The Hooligans Who Love Candles
The Hooligans Who Love Candles
This transcript is complete.
- [The episode begins with Finn and Jake fighting a group of Slider Guys. Finn ineffectually swats at a couple with what is left of his Demon Blood Sword while Jake punches and kicks them away.]
- Finn: Thanks, bro!
- Jake: There for you, bro... but Finn, I'm gonna tell you something gently.
- Finn: [concerned] Okay. What is it, bro?
- Jake: Get a new sword.
- Finn: What you do mean?
- Jake: Bro, these guys could've hurt you.
- Finn: It still works. [swings it] Hyut!
- Jake: Bro...
- Finn: I love this sword. [hugs it]
- Jake: It'll be okay. Let's go shopping!
- [The scene switches to a marketplace, where several townspeople are selling their goods.]
- Jake: Hey! There's Choose Goose! [looks at Finn and runs toward Choose Goose excitedly] Goose! Come on! [realizes that Finn has not moved and runs back to him] Finn? What's wrong?
- Finn: Mm, maybe we should try someone else.
- Jake: What? But we have history with him—that's important in business.
- Finn: Yeah, but we're lookin' for a sword. Remember that armor he sold us? [motions his hands in the shape of an hourglass]
- Jake: [winces] Ooh. Yeah, okay.
- [The two walk on.]
- Jake: I asked around. This is the place to get sa-words. [motions to a grass tipi in front of them]
- Finn: Oh. Doesn't look like it's open.
- [The tipi opens, revealing an "OPEN" sign.]
- Finn & Jake: Open! [They walk inside.]
- Voice: Close the curtains behind you, please.
- [Finn does so.]
- Voice: Walk towards the candle.
- [They approach the man at the counter, who is wearing sunglasses and a cloak.]
- Man: How can I help you?
- Finn: Need a sword.
- Man: Hold on. [brings out a sword] Here you go: a grass sword. It's a bargain.
- Finn: I don't know. I've never used a grass sword before. Maybe we should keep lookin'.
- Man: Swords like this don't come around every day.
- Finn: Don't come around every day, uh? [wields the sword] I love it.
- Jake: Well, that was easy.
- Man: [as Finn and Jake walk out] Remember, no take backs.
- [Finn practices with the sword as a townsperson pushes up a cart loaded with pillows.]
- Jake: Hey, the pillow vendor!
- [The scene changes to Finn and Jake walking through the woods. Jake is carrying a pillow while Finn is practicing with his sword. Suddenly, a pizza flies out of the bushes.]
- Finn: Huh? Hyut! [slices it in half]
- Jake: Huh? Pizza?!
- Finn: Yeah! Came outta nowhere! It was gonna bonk you on the head.
- Jake: You're getting good with that sword. You were never able to do that with your other swords.
- Finn: No more pizza bonks. Hyut! [swishes the sword] Hey, we're near Tree Trunks' house. Let's stop by and get some pie.
- Jake: Pie!
- [They approach Tree Trunks' house.]
- Finn: [swishing sword] Hyut! Hyut!
- [They walk inside]
- Finn: Hyaaaah!♪
- Tree Trunks: Howdy, boys! Nice pillow and nice sword. My hands are full, Finn. Uh, you mind slicin' an apple for me? [rolls an apple toward him]
- Finn: Hyut! [slices apple perfectly]
- Tree Trunks: Something is terribly wrong with that awful sword.
- Jake: He's gettin' really good. He saved me from pizza.
- Tree Trunks: That apple slicing is too perfect... demonically perfect. That sword is cursed!
- Finn & Jake: [laugh]
- Jake: I like it when Tree Trunks gets all serious.
- [The scene changes to inside Finn and Jake's bedroom. Finn is practicing with his sword while wearing pajamas and Jake is making his bed.]
- Jake: Uh, how's that curse doin'? Makin' you want to moidle me? [laughs]
- Finn: No, man. This sword doesn't seem to have any curse on it, as far as I can tell. [stabs at the air] Hyah!
- Jake: Well, okay. [tries taking the tag off his pillow with his teeth] Dang tag.
- Finn: I got it!
- Jake: Hmm?
- [Finn quickly slices at the tag with his sword. The tag falls apart as it is revealed that the sword cut it in the shape of Finn's face.]
- Jake: [gasps]
- Finn: Whoa!
- Jake: Hey, quit showin' off, bro!
- Finn: Sorry, man. I don't know what happened. I-I... I'll go put this away.
- Jake: Good idea. [puts the pillow in his bed, gets on top of it, and starts sleeping]
- [Finn puts the sword in a chest. The scene switches to him in bed, moaning softly in his sleep. In his dream, the sword emerges from the grassy field, dissipates, and reforms in his hand. The sword wiggles, and grass starts spreading over Finn's body. Finn screams but is muffled by the grass. His whole body becomes like topiary, then blows away in the wind. Finn wakes up.]
- Finn: [screams] [pants] Huh? [unzips sleeping bag, finding the sword in his hand]
- [The sword extends grass from the hilt onto Finn's wrist, wrapping itself around his arm.]
- Finn: What the—? [pants frantically]
- [He runs outside and shrieks, swinging the sword around in an attempt to get it off. He runs into the forest and bites some of it off, but it grows back. He covers his left hand with his pajamas and manages to pull it off his right hand.]
- Finn: [sighs] Jeez.
- [The sword extends its grassy hands toward him, trying to reattach itself. Finn drops it and kicks it toward a cliff.]
- Finn: Stupid... [kicks it] thing! [It falls into the river below.] Worst three bucks I've ever spent.
- [The scene changes back to Finn in his bed. He suddenly wakes up.]
- Finn: [gasps] [looks at his arm, seeing no sword] Whew.
- [In the bathroom, he brushes his teeth and opens the cabinet for some floss. As he closes it, he sees the sword behind him in the mirror, still dripping wet.]
- Finn: [shrieks]
- Jake: What's goin' on?
- Finn: The sword is after my flesh!
- Jake: Huh?
- [The sword wiggles its appendages.]
- Jake: Oh, snap!
- Finn: Don't let it get me, Jake!
- Jake: Don't worry. I'll handle this. [wraps his apron around the sword's hilt and sheathes it in a baguette] There.
- Finn: [sighs] Let's go return that junk.
- [At the marketplace, the place where the grass tipi was is now a patch of dirt with a "FOR RENT" sign in the middle.]
- Jake: Huh. Hey, he's not here.
- Finn: Hmm. Maybe someone around here knows where he is.
- [They hear screams for help from offscreen.]
- Finn: Somebody in trouble!
- [They run toward the source of the cries.]
- Suzy & Sue: Help! They're taking our candles!
- Jake: It's the Hooligans Who Love Candles!
- Finn: Let's get 'em! [drops his pack and sword] Hey!
- Hooligans carrying candle: Huh?
- [Finn kicks the candle out of their grip.]
- Hooligan: Yo! You got a prob, Bob?
- Finn: Stealing candles from old ladies is immoral! [punches them] [kicks another in the face]
- Another hooligan: Anarchy! [throws candle at Finn]
- Finn: [catches it and throws it back] School! [kicks him] Hyah!
- [Jake runs by chasing two more hooligans.]
- Hooligans: Aah! Stop chasing us!
- [Finn continues fighting, then rests, panting. A hooligan holding a candle comes up from behind.]
- Hooligan: Happy birthday. [bashes Finn's head with candle]
- [Finn falls to the ground and holds his head. He looks up to see five of the hooligans upon him.]
- Hooligan: [brandishing candle] You're dead, teddy boy.
- [Finn looks down to see the sword wrapped around his wrist again.]
- Finn: No.
- [The hooligan lifts the candle above his head in slow motion, coming in for another hit, but Finn quickly gets up and slices at the candle multiple times. The candle falls apart in the shape of Finn's face. While the hooligans are taken aback, Finn leaps over them while slicing at their hair. After he lands, their hair falls off and they run away screaming.]
- Suzy & Sue: You've saved our shop!
- Sue: Thank you so much, you brave young man.
- Suzy: And don't even worry about the damages.
- Sue: We'll just use the broken pieces to build a life-sized candle in your likeness.
- Suzy: Oh, and we'll put it right by the entrance, and it'll be our mascot—the candle man!
- [The sword grips Finn's wrist tightly.]
- Jake: Dude... [winces]
- Finn: Yeah... not comin' off.
- Jake: Don't give up, man. Hey, maybe Choose Goose knows where the old man went.
- [The scene changes to them walking up to Choose Goose's stall.]
- Jake: Hey, Choogles! We need your help. We gotta find the dude who sold us this cursed sword. You know who he is?
- Choose Goose: I know you did business with some rando guy. Help you backstabbers—Why should I?
- Jake: What? Come on, Choogie, it was only one time.
- Choose Goose: Hmm.
- [Finn slices at a fly, but knocks down some of Choose Goose's wares.]
- Finn: I made a mistake, CG. This merch is totally defective. [earnestly] Please.
- Choose Goose: Okay-dokay... I know that quack with the grassy shack. He's a wizard from the grassy plain. He lives atop the grassy moun... tayn.
- Jake: Awesome. Wizard of Grassy Moun-tayn... Mountain. Yeah, thanks, Choogs.
- Finn: Yeah, thanks!
- [Finn and Jake start walking off.]
- Choose Goose: [shouting after them] He's the only one who can lift the curse, but beware...
- [Finn and Jake stop in their tracks and turn around.]
- Choose Goose: He's a huge ding-wad—just the worst.
- [The scene switches to Finn and Jake running toward the grassy mountain. Suddenly, some grass monsters emerge from the side of the hill. Finn slices the head off each one as he runs by.]
- Finn: Chop, chop, chop, chop, chop!
- [In front of them, a giant Grass Bear grows out of the ground. It growls and spits at them and steps toward Jake.]
- Jake: [screams]
- [Finn gets Jake out of the way of the monster's foot and slices its leg in the shape of his face without even looking. The monster howls while balancing on one foot. Finn flicks the blade of his sword, causing it to rapidly spin like a propeller. The monster spits at them some more, then collapses on top of them. Finn uses the sword to blast his way out from under the mound of grass. The blade stops spinning and they continue up the mountain.]
- Finn: Hmm. For a cursed dingus, you cut so good.
- [They reach the shack at the top of the mountain.]
- Finn: Come forth, wizard, and uncurse my mitt! Grassy Mountain Wizard!
- [The door opens and out steps the guy who sold Finn his sword. He casts aside his cloak and sunglasses.]
- Grassy Wizard: Comin' up here tryin' to enter my house! Are you for real?! [uses his powers to bring out his household objects made of grass] Mow 'em down, my cursed grassy objects! [sends them flying through the air toward Finn and Jake]
- Finn: Hyah! [slices all the objects while running toward the wizard]
- Grassy Wizard: Uh... go forth! Go... uh, forth. [looks inside his house] That was all my grassy objects.
- [Finn lands in front of him, knocking the wizard backwards.]
- Finn: [points his sword at the wizard] Lift the curse.
- Grassy Wizard: [laughs] Never! You have no power over me, young fool! The grass sword will be part of you for all eternity! [laughs]
- Finn: [contemplates for a moment] Hmm. You know what? [backs off from wizard] I think I'm cool with that.
- [The sword retracts and wraps around Finn's arm.]
- Grassy Wizard: What?
- Finn: Whoa. [laughs] [extends and retracts his sword a few times]
- Jake: Now that you've accepted it, you can control it!
- Finn: [extends it] Yeah. [retracts it] This is really cool! [extends it] I just had to get used to it. [retracts it]
- Grassy Wizard: That's not how people are supposed to react to an eternal curse!
- Finn & Jake: Whatevs.
- [They run down the mountain while Finn retracts and extends his sword.]
- Jake: [laughs] Do it again! [laughs]