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This article is a transcript of the Adventure Time episode "Evicted!" from season 1, which aired on Sneak peek: March 18, 2010
Official: May 17, 2010.

This transcript is complete; only minor edits are needed.


[The scene begins at the Tree Fort.]
Jake: And as it waded through the carnage that it had wrought, the vampire smashed their skulls just for the fun of it!
Finn: No way!
Jake: Yes way, it did. And also the vampire hunched over its victims and breathed their vaporized blood mist.
[warbling with tongue]
Finn: Ah, jeez! Jake, is this stuff you're saying true? Or are you just trying to mess me up? You have to be honest.
Jake: Oh, it's true, man. I heard it through a reliable source.
Finn: Reliable? Rats!
Jake: Yeah. Some say it haunted this very tree!
Finn: This tree?!
Jake: [ominously] Good niiiight...
Finn: Jake?
[Jake warbling downstairs]
Finn: You're full of it, Jake!
[Jake warbling ominously]
Finn: Errr... [he hears croaking and sees a worm on his bed] NO WORMS ON THE BED! [Hits worm with the Enchiridion.]
[Sees a tree limb tapping on his window, then a mysterious figure taps on the window]
Finn: Huh? [Lightning crashes, and the figure's scary face is seen]
Finn: AAAAAH!!! [Runs downstairs]
Finn: Jake! Jake! I saw someone outside the window! It must be the vampire, and I think we're unprepared, so I--
Jake: Relax, buddy. I made that story up. I was just trying to scare you.
Finn: But you said you heard it from a reliable source!
Jake: Ha ha! I made that up, too. I was trying to scare you, and it worked! [laughs]
[the window blows open by itself, the lights go out, and Jake screams]
Finn: No one's outside.
Jake: Whew!
Finn: It was just the wind, scaredy-cat.
Jake: I wasn't scared, I was singing. I was singing my scream song. Ahh! Ahh! AAaah-uh-aah!
Finn: You're a total wuss, man.
[a bag drops, there is a vampire on the ceiling that hisses and scares Finn and Jake]
Marceline: Hey, guys. What's up? I'm Marceline the Vampire Queen.
Finn: [afraid] Are you gonna smash my skull and breathe my blood mist?!
Jake: Don't suck our blood!
Marceline: [laughing] Calm down, weenies. I'm not gonna do that. [Lights candles]
Finn: Soooo, you don't suck blood?
Marceline: Sometimes, I do. But it's not the blood that I like. It's the color. I eat shades of red.
[Sucks the red out of a strawberry, and gives it to Finn]
Marceline: Ugh, I am exhausted. I've been traveling all over the Land of Ooo. And I've seen some stuff that would really make you say "like what?"
Finn: Like what?
Marceline: I encountered a school of goldfish beasts. [A flashback of Marceline riding giant goldfish]
Marceline: And I fooled around in the Fire Kingdom. [A flashback of Marceline hula-hooping in the Fire Kingdom]
Finn: OOO!
Marceline: Oh, and check these out. [She has nuts in her hands]
Finn: Nuts?
Marceline: Oh, these aren't ordinary nuts. [Squeezes the nuts and they become little creatures. One squirts Finn with ink.]
Finn: [laughs] You're wonderful.
Jake: Um, yeah. Thank you for not sucking our blood.
Marceline: You guys seem cool, too, but as you can imagine, I'm really tired, so you two should probably get going.
Finn: What?
Marceline: [sighs] Look. [She uses psychokinesis and moves a picture frame and reveals an "M" carved into the tree] "M" for "Marceline."
Jake: Aw, man.
Marceline: I carved in this tree years ago. Way before you two rascals started squatting here. [Flings them out]
Marceline: But seriously guys, thanks for keeping the place warm for me, I mean really great!
[Shuts the door]
Marceline: Good night!
Jake: Come on, Finn. Let's get out of here.
Finn: She can't kick us out of our house!
Jake: Finn!
Finn: Get down here, lady, and fight me!
Jake: She's a vampire, dude!
[Marceline sucks the red out of a crumpet, and throws it onto Finn]
Finn: I'm gonna kill her.
Jake: Dude, if half the stories I've heard, and/or made up are true, vampires will kill you. There's no question!
[Marceline hisses at them and then walks away, laughing]
Finn: But, what about our home?
Jake: A VAMPIRE TOOK IT! Aw, we should go house-hunting. Bag us a new house.
Finn: But I like our home.
Jake: Finn, house-hunting is wild! You've got to try it.
Finn: Really?
Jake: Yeah, man! It is so nuts!
Finn: You always know what to say.
Jake: Bla-bla-bla-ble-ble-bla-bloo-bloop!
Finn: Okay. I'm convinced. Let's roll!
Jake: Sweet, things are gonna start going our way. [Clouds seperate to reveal the sun] Hey, look, see? What'd I tell ya?
[House Hunting Song begins]
Finn: This is weak! I don't even like any of these places. I wanna go home.
Jake: Finn, let me tell you a little something about what home really means. [plays viola] La, la, la... [singing] Home isn't a place, let me give you a clue... Home is anywhere, where people care about you...
Finn: I don't wanna hear a lecture, dude! I just wanna go home...
Jake: [singing] But, home is where your heart is, Finn! And where is your heart, Finn? Well, it's right here inside you when I'm sitting here beside you! [talking] With your lucky stars to guide you from above. [They look up, a star floats around, then poofs and disappears]
Finn: Yeah, I guess I'd rather be out here, wrapped in your ear, than be in some awesome house all by my... souse.
Jake: I'd rather be dancing with some babes!
Finn: [laughs] Shut up, dude!
Jake: Ew... Gross. This place looks gross!
Finn: And abandoned. [Echoes]
[both scream]
Finn: [gasps] Whoa, bro... Wanna just live in here?
Jake: Yes.
♪ "So they cleaned the cave and built a house inside the cave. ♪
Jake: So whaddaya think, man? We did pretty good for ourselves.
Finn: Yeah, we did... So, ah, what should we do first with our new digs?
Jake: Let's trash it and throw a party!
Finn: Ah this is it, feelin' good, I'm feelin', I'm feelin' like we did it. I'm feelin', like, completely satisfied. Nothin' else could go wrong, ya know, Jake?
Jake: Yeah, man.
Finn: Aww, yeah, I know, too.
Marceline: Hey, Finn.
Jake: She's back!
Marceline: Wow, pretty awesome party ya got here.
Finn: What do you want, Marceline?!
Marceline: Oh, I just wanna show you somethin'. This cave belongs to me!
Finn: What!?
Marceline: Thanks for fixing the place up for me.
Finn: Y-You can't take our home twice!
Marceline: [With guitar] Yes, I caaaannnnnn!
Finn: AAAAAAAHHHH! It's vampire-fighting time!
Jake: Finn! Nooo! Vampires will kill you... remember!?
Finn: But she's taking our home again!
Jake: We're home as long as we're together, bla-bla-bleep-bla-bloop, remember!?
Finn: Oh, yeah. Okay, Marceline, I'm gonna let you keep this cave, but only because Jake is my home, and he's way better than all your homes combined!
Marceline: Ya know, you're right. I guess I'll take him too!
Jake: [yells]
Finn: What!?
Marceline: I'll bite him a little, maybe turn him into a zombie.
Jake: Nooo!
Finn: Let go of Jake!
Marceline: Make me.
[Finn slaps Jake out of Marceline's grip]
Finn: You okay, pal?
Marceline: [transforming] No one... makes me... let go... of Jake!
Finn: I'm not scared of you!
Jake: Finn!
Marceline: [laughs] You're pathetic, little boy!
Finn: [grunts] You're pathetic! [Spits] Get ready for an uppercut, you dog!
Marceline: Make me. [laughs] Bleh-bleh!
Jake: I've... gotta help my buddy.
Marceline: Your blood is mine!
Jake: [warbles]
Finn: [screaming] Jake!
Jake: Uh oh.
[Marceline sucks Jake's blood and throws Jake's remains on the ground; she laughs.]
Finn: [Screams; runs up to her and punches her in the face]
Marceline: Ow! That actually hurt, Finn. [laughs and kisses him on the cheek.]
Finn: Why didn't you just kill me?
Marceline: 'Cuz that was fun! I haven't fought like that in years! Thanks, Finn.
Jake: Finn!
Finn: Aren't you dead?
Jake: Naaah, before she bit me I used my powers to shrink all my guts and blood over my thumb, see? [Does so]
Marceline: [Clears throat] You two are pretty hardcore. I can appreciate that.
Finn: Soooo so does that mean we can have our old house back?
Marceline: Yeah! Keep it, as a gift from me. Blaeargh!
[Finn and Jake both run away screaming]
[Scene cuts back to the tree fort]
Finn and Jake: Yeah!
Finn: Huh? Did you guys get on the bed? I told you, you're not allowed!
King Worm: Oh, hey, guys. Come here, friends... Hug me... wawawawawawawa... Aw, yeah, hug me... wawawawawawawawa...

Episode ends

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