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Ancient Sleeping Magi of Life Giving
Fionna and Cake Omnibus
[ Ice King humming while cleaning the living room, he rights a crooked painting ]
Ice King: Boop!
[ Gunther knocks one of the corners out of place. ]
Ice King: That's right Gunther, keep it up.
[ Chirps ]
Ice King: Oh-ho-ho, Gunther, just you wait... [Mumbling ] All right... Here...we...Go. [ Wolf-whistles] That's a good-lookin' lamp. [ Gasps ] Gunther, no! Huh?
[ Penguins chirping and wrecking the room ]
[ Drums playing, cymbals crashing ]
[ Ice King sweeps penguins into a back room. Knock on door ]
Ice King: Just a sec! [ Seals backdoor with ice ] Here I come... Life giving magus!
Life Giving Magus: Got your telegraph inviting me to come over and share some wizz blizzes, best bro style! I brought tiny umbrellas! I was kind of surprised you invited me over. I thought Abracadaniel was your best friend.
Ice King: Pfft! Oh, I'm done with that guy. He kept trying to analyze me! Come on! Let me give you the nickel tour. [ Showing the drum set ] These are my tubs 'n' skins. [ In front of the workout set ] The "no flab" zone. [ By the restroom ] Here's the office. Oh, hey! And remember when you touched that book and, uh, brought it to life?
Life Giving Magus: Yep.
Fiona and Cake Omnibus: Ha ha! Aah!
Ice King: This is his room.
Fiona and Cake Omnibus: Get your pen out! Write in me! Write in me! Fill my pages!
Life Giving Magus: Yeee. Mm? [ Sniffing ] What is that wonderful smell?
Ice King: Oh. That? I'm baking my special pigs in blankets...Right here in my darkened kitchen. Now, where is the dang ol' oven mitt? It's got to be around here somewhere. Oh, geez! Look who I'm talking to -- Mr. Oven Mitts over here! Hey, here's a good idea. You should take off those mitts! [ Chuckles ] Whoo! [ Chuckles ]
Life Giving Magus: I don't want to accidentally bring anything to life in a stranger's home...With my magic
Ice King: Come on, the pigs are burning! It's gonna wreck our wizz blizz hangout. Be a bro, bro.
Life Giving Magus: Mm... Well, if it's about being a bro...
Ice King: [ Chuckles ] There we go, baby. Hey, I just remembered that the oven light is burned out. Be a bro and turn on that lamp...Right over there.
Life Giving Magus: You mean this one lamp in the middle of the kitchen?
Ice King: Correct.
Life Giving Magus: Okay.
Ice King: Yeah, touch it.
Life Giving Magus: Oh, whoops! I almost did the thing I didn't want to do.
Ice King: Oh, fart hat! Hmm... Life Giving Magus, watch out behind you!
Life Giving Magus: Yaah! Oh, no! Accidental life! Huh? You used me! You don't want to drink wizz blizz at all!
Ice King: Yes, I did use you! But for what? What did I use you for?[ Laughs ] Oh, my lamp. My beautiful lamp of so many years! Speak to me...
Lamp: Hello? Hello...
Ice King: A lady?! Unexpected bonus!
Lamp: Well, one isn't purely defined by their sex or gender. I have yet to find out who I really am. I have freedom, no longer bound by the limits of my cord, freedom to shape my reality and, in turn, be shaped by it.
Ice King: [ Laughs ] You talk funny. Like a book.
Lamp: Oh, humor. Humor is the highest form of intelligence.
Ice King: Well, hey, here's something funny. [ Fart noises ] It sounds like a butt!
Life Giving Magus: Well, goodbye. I'm not sticking around to be used and thrown away.
Ice King: Aw, Magus, I can never have enough friends.
Life Giving Magus: Really?
Ice King: Ha haaaa!
[ Ice King has Magus entombed in ice with his hands free in order to bring more of Ice King's furniture to life ]
Ice King: Ha ha ha! More friends! My incredible crew is almost complete! Yes. Yes! Finally. Gather 'round and lavish me with affection!
[ The furniture stands aimlessly ]
Bass Drum: Hey, we're alive now.
Dresser: You're alive? Whoa! Me too!
[Indistinct conversations ]
Ice King: What?
Tom-Tom Drum: Sure, we all feel alive now, but how do we know it's not all, you know, just an illusion? I mean, I can reach out and touch you, but it's all just signals to the brain, easily re-creatable with the right technology. You know what I mean?
[ Ice King begins making farting noises with his hand. He continues to make the noises as he backs away from the group into the kitchen ]
Ice King: [ Sigh ]
Lamp: Are you okay?
Ice King: What's with these nerds? They aren't into my juice.
Lamp: Maybe they just don't have an appreciation for your type of humor. Maybe you could try and learn about what they're interested in. Read up a little...
Ice King: Uh-huh.
[ Brief montage of Ice King spending time in the study reading various books ]
Ice King: Ugh. Reading makes my brain all cloudy. [ To frozen Abracadaniel ] I bet you'd have something insightful to say about that, huh? [ Yawns ]
[ Ice King awakes to the noise of indistinct conversation ]
Ice King: Eh?
[ Soft music plays as Ice King enters his living room where all the newly living furniture is partying with the penguins ]
Microwave: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, but no. Listen. [ Sips ] Watch this.
[ Microwave touches a glass to one of the arms hanging from the sleeping Magus, still trapped in ice ]
Microwave: Through the simple act of creation... Have I become a reflection of my own creator?
Ice King: If I may interject... Aristotle once said, "nature abhors a vacuum." Then why do I love doing this so much?
[ Ice King resumes making fart noises ]
Ice King: Seriously, someone explain it to me.
Microwave: Excuse me. I have to silently back away now.
Glass Two: And I -- I need a refill. [ To the original glass ] Come along, dear.
Ice King: What, am I boring you guys?! The old man's a snooze, huh? You're not so perfect!
Bass Drum: Simon, I know you're dealing with a lot of unresolved karma, but that is no reason to lash out.
Ice King: What? What are you talking about?
Bass Drum: You cry in the night times. We all hear you crying... Into baby diapers... It's super-sad, dude.
Ice King: Oh, come on, guys. Quit clownin'.
Dresser: You keep them in my bottom drawer. [ Grunts ] Ugh, it's locked.
Ice King: Whew!
Key: Somebody say something about a lock?
Ice King: No!
Dresser: Yeah! Get in here, bro!
[ Lock clicks, all murmuring. Dresser shows that the bottom drawer is full of diapers ]
Dresser: This is your truth, Simon.
Ice King: Hey, hey, give me those!
Drum Bass: We know all about your weird stuff, like how you use penguin milk as moisturizer.
Ice King: It helps keep my skin cold and clammy.
Coat Rack: He needs to hear more devastating truths. One time you had food stuck in your beard for two weeks. Like a whole burrito.
Ice King: [ Stammering ] Gunther, old buddy, you got to defend me here!
[ Gunther denies by turning his back to Ice King ]
Ice King: Okay! I get it! I'm a dang ding-dong, okay?!
Lamp: [ Sighs ] Excuse me, friends. Ice King?
Ice King: No. Go away. Dummies only in this corner.
Lamp: Look, I get it -- we're brilliant furniture, and that's hard to keep up with. Maybe you could fit in by being more of a listener. You could be the cool quiet guy -- the quiet guy who just listens. You know what I mean? You know what I mean, right? Yeah. See? You get what I mean! Ice King is so smart!
Ice King: Noooo! Stop talking! I don't like this! You book lickers! I made you to be my bros! Weight set, we were gonna smash into pb's room together and show her how ripped you made me! Microwave, we were gonna heat up bologna on white-bread sandwiches! Drawer dresser, you were gonna be my improv coach!
Dresser: Yes... And?
Ice King: Yes, and... You, lamp! I was the most excited for you to be my friend! But then you had to go and use words like I've never heard before -- words that confused and upset me! Now I have upsetting words for you! Get out! Get out! I'm kicking all of you out!
Coat Rack: Not so fast, Ice King. We've been in this place just as long as you.
Bass Drum: We have just as much right to stay. That's for real.
Ice King: What?
Tom-Tom Drum: Hey. We outnumber Simon. Why don't we just vote him out?
Glass Two: Yeah!
Lamp: Oh, dear.
Ice King: I got your vote right here! [ Raises hands to freeze them ]
[ Key grabs crown off of Ice King's head ]
Key: Yoink! [ Laughs ]
Ice King: Hey!
Dresser: I'm open! Hyup! [ Lock clicks ] Don't you see? The crown is just another one of your many hang-ups.
Hi Hats: You've got to flip the script, man. It can be scary, I know. It's okay if you need to cry into this.
Ice King: N-no.
Together: Cry, Simon, cry! Cry, Simon, cry!
Ice King: No, no...
Together: Cry, Simon, cry!
Bass Drum: We don't like you, but we're here for you!
Ice King: Noooooooo! [ Grunting ]
[ Ice King grabs the barbell off of the bench and busts the bottom drawer of the dresser open, quickly producing the crown from the hole ]
Ice King: Aha!
Bass Drum: Simon, you're being obtuse. We're gonna help you!
Ice King: Noooooo!
[ Ice King freezes all the furniture that's crowded around him. The scene cuts to him pushing the frozen mass of them out the mouth of his castle ]
Ice King: Hyah!
Lamp: Oh, Ice King... To selfishly create life, then destroy it... There is no crueler fate.
Ice King: I tried to be your friend, but you guys didn't want me, didn't even give me a shot. That's cruel. I've never been that cruel to anyone.
[ Gunther is upset from overhearing this ]
Ice King: Welp, out ya go.
[ Magus' magic is seen withdrawing what life he'd initially imparted to the lamp. He is shown standing a couple meters away with hand outstretched ]
Life Giving Magus: Can I get out of this now?
[ Magus and Ice King sit with legs resting out the mouth of the castle, enjoying some wiz blizzes with the sunset ]
Ice King: Here's to wizz blizz.
Fiona and Cake Omnibus: [ Laughs ] Yeah! Write in me! Write in me!
Life Giving Magus: You know, when you invited me over, I thought it was as friends. What do you think of me being your new best friend? For real!
Ice King: Hmm. Never thought of that.
Life Giving Magus: And...?
Ice King: Nah. No. I like this guy, though. He's a real ignoramus. Let's both be friends with him.
Fiona and Cake Omnibus: Write in me! Write in me!
Life Giving Magus: Okay.