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Furniture & Meat/Transcript

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This article is a transcript of the Adventure Time episode "Furniture & Meat" from season 6, which aired on June 19, 2014.

This transcript is complete.


[Finn and Jake are sleeping in the Tree Fort's boat.]
Jake: [snoring]
[A fly flies into his mouth.]
Jake: Ah. [smacks lips]
[The fly escapes and buzzes down to BMO and Neptr, who are playing by the well.]
BMO: Stand and deliver, boy, because I'm Robbing Hood. Give me all your funny money, Sheriff of Naughty-hams.
Neptr: But BMO, I don't want to be the bad guy. I want to be Robbing Hood's pal, Friar Tux.
BMO: No, Neptr. [uncaps marker and draws a mustache on Neptr's face] Ha ha! Friar Tux would never have a mustache like that. [laughs]
Neptr: No fair. En guard!
BMO: On Blitzen!
[They hit their sticks together repeatedly. Neptr swings his stick at BMO, but BMO jumps and dodges it.]
BMO: You're terrible!
[Neptr swings again, but BMO ducks.]
BMO: Whoa!
[The stick hits the wall of the tree fort, which starts rumbling. The wall suddenly cracks, and out bursts a deluge of coins.]
BMO: Eeeee!
Neptr: Aaaaa!
Jake: [wakes up] What? Hey! What are you kids doing breaking the treehouse?
BMO: Uh...
[Finn and Jake climb down from the boat.]
Finn: Yo, BMO, what happened?
BMO: You got too much money, honey. All of this dosh is threatening the structural integrity of the treehouse.
Finn: Who would have thought we could have too much treasure?
[Something groans behind them, under the treasure. The Ancient Psychic Tandem War Elephant emerges.]
Ancient Psychic Tandem War Elephant: I'm sorry, master.
Finn & Jake: Ancient Psychic Tandem War Elephant!
Ancient Psychic Tandem War Elephant: You told me to stay inside the money room, but now I am outside. What is your punishment, master?
Finn: No punishment, dude. Just chill where you are.
Ancient Psychic Tandem War Elephant: All right. I will chill where I am until you command me.
Finn: So what should we do with all this swash?
BMO: You should give it to Robbing Hood.
Jake: No way, BMO. This is our treasure.
BMO: Aw.
Finn: Hey, maybe we could, like, spend it?
Jake: Really? How much of it?
Finn: Dude, like all of it. Then we can find completely new treasure.
Neptr: Neptr knows just the place to blow your grease. Behold, this recent advertisement. [hands flyer to Finn]
Jake: Whoa! We get mail?
Finn: Check it out, Jake.
[The flyer reads: Come to Wildberry Kingdom, a really expensive vacation destination.]
Jake: Dang! Wildberry Kingdom got all fancy.
[Jake lifts up the Ancient Psychic Tandem War Elephant, gathers together all the treasure, transforms into a legged dump truck, and sets the elephant back down. Finn climbs in, and the two start leaving.]
Ancient Psychic Tandem War Elephant: I continue to chill.
BMO: [following Finn and Jake] Come on, Naughty-Hams.
[Finn and Jake arrive at the Wildberry Kingdom, passing a gondola, a roadside meat stand, and restaurants. A waiter serves two Wildberry People a plate of meat.]
Patron: Thank you.
[The waiter takes the patrons' stacks of money.]
Finn: Nice place. So how are we gonna spend all this gish?
Jake: I don't know. I've never really spent money before. I've only stolen it or hoarded it.
Finn: Ha!
Jake: [laughs] [sighs] So... here we are in the middle of town.
[Jake dumps the load of treasure in a fountain.]
Jake: Let's parse out some dough to spend.
[Finn and Jake climb in to the fountain.]
Strawberry Guard: Hey! What are you doing? No people or money allowed in the fountain, ya dums! Where's your sense at?!
Jake: Sorry, man. We were just looking to spend some cash in town. [offers three coins] Want some?
Strawberry Guard: Fellas, goofing in a public fountain is punishable by a lashing, and you're trying to bribe me.
[Jake offers a crown.]
Strawberry Guard: Ooh! Now that's what I'm talking about, fellas. [takes crown and coins and starts to leave] [laughs] Have a good time in the fountain.
Finn & Jake: [laugh]
Jake: Whoa. Spending money is kind of fun.
Finn: Yeah, this'll be easy. [stands up] Ho, ho, young berry lads!
Wildberry kid: Yeah?
Finn: Go buy the most expensive meats and furniture to adorn our new fountain home. Keep the change for your families in need. Hyup! [throws a bag of money to them]
Wildberry kid: Thanks, but we're, uh, middle-class.
Finn: Really?
Wildberry kid: Uh, yeah, upper middle.
Jake: Just get the darn furniture.
Strawberry Guard: Hey, no furniture or meat in the fountain! You'll wreck up the water!
[Jake offers some more treasure.]
Strawberry Guard: You can't buy me off twice, fellas.
[Jake offers still more treasure.]
Strawberry Guard: [laughs] Ah, maybe you can, fellas, maybe you can. [runs off]
Jake: [laughs maniacally]
Finn: Dude, we bought all this furniture and meat, and we still have a ton of gamboni left.
Jake: Hmm. [gasps] Look at those gams! Hey, yo, Legs! Legs! You want a bag of money?
Legs: Sure!
Jake: Well, what are you gonna do for it?
Legs: Well, um, I'm a dancer by trade.
Jake: Show me. [tosses him a moneybag]
[Legs does a sequence of ballet moves.]
Legs: Hup!
Jake: [laughs] Finn, look. I made this guy dance.
Finn: Yeah, man. Whoo!
Strawberry Guard: Hold it! No dancing in the streets without a permit!
Jake: Go away, dude.
Strawberry Guard: Hey, you can't talk to me like that.
[Jake tosses him four moneybags.]
Strawberry Guard: All right, I'm going!
Jake: [laughs raucously] This is crazy. People do anything for money. And I've got a ton of money. Dance harder, Legs! Harder!
[Jake throws coins at Legs as he dances.]
Jake: [laughs] [sighs] This bores me. You're boring! It's time to push this thing further. Middle-class berries, watch after this treasure while I'm gone. [throws them coins]
Wildberry kids: Okay.
[The scene changes to a house in the Wildberry Kingdom, where two Wildberry People are sleeping.]
Jake: Ahem.
Goji Berry Man: Mabel, do you hear something?
[Mabel turns on the light, revealing Finn and Jake, who is covered in moneybags like a Wildberry Person.]
Jake: Good evening.
Wildberry People: Oh no! We're being robbed!
Finn: Oh, no, we're not robbers. We're actually here to give you money.
Goji Berry Man: What?
Jake: Listen. I want to see you two do things [places a bag on the bed] for this bag of money.
Goji Berry Man: Okay, man.
Jake: [laughs] Yeah, nice. Goji Berry Man, you sleep on the left side of the bed normally. Now you sleep on the right!
Goji Berry Man: Okay.
[He switches places with Mabel.]
Mabel: I don't like sleeping on your side. It's too close to the wall!
Jake: Mr. Goji Berry, you sleep on your back now—and on top of the covers.
Goji Berry Man: I can't sleep on my back, man. I got sleep apnea. I won't get any sleep. My wife won't get any sleep. My dance instructing will suffer.
Jake: Turning down all this smoosh, huh? Dance instruction pays more than I thought. [starts walking off]
Goji Berry Man: Wait, man! There's got to be something else we can do to get those gold coins.
Jake: Well, sure, man. As a matter of fact, you can have all the gold coins... all the gold coins you can eat!
Wildberry People: [gasp]
Jake: Dinner is served! [dumps a moneybag on each of their plates] Yummy, yummy, yummy. Hey, you kids need some desert? I'll just see what I can rustle up—in the toolshed! [laughs loudly] [walks off]
Finn: Guys, I'm super sorry about my friend. Here. [gives them two moneybags]
[The Wildberry People start munching the bags.]
Finn: Don't eat it, ya dums!
[The scene cuts to outside the house, where Jake is coming back from the toolshed with a wheelbarrow of various indigestible items.]
Jake: How much do you think I'd have to pay them to lick the dust off all this dusty stuff?
Finn: Dude, I do not approve of the way you're spending money right now.
Jake: Dude, they're not doing anything they don't want to. They want my sweet cheddar, and I want to see some stuff in exchange. It's mutual—free market.
Finn: What?
Jake: Free market! [wheels the barrow to the house]
Finn: [to himself] Don't worry, brother. I'll help you see the error of your ways.
[Back in the Wildberry Kingdom, the Wildberry kids are standing on the pile of loot. Finn runs up to them.]
Finn: Berry lads! Berry lads! I need to spend all this blingo fast.
Wildberry kid: Okay.
Finn: Take me to the seediest alley in the kingdom.
Wildberry kid: That's Crudberry Back Alley... in Crud Town.
[In Crudberry Back Alley, some homeless Wildberry People are sleeping on the ground. Finn and the Wildberry kids arrive with a wheelbarrow of treasure.]
Finn: Friendly Crudberries, I have money for you! Come get it!
Hobos: Money? Money!
Finn: Easy, fellas! Let's pass these out one at a time.
[A hobo tries to take one of Finn's bags.]
Finn: Hey, take it easy, breh.
Hobo: Give us that money! [punches Finn]
Finn: I-I-I don't want any trouble. [punches a hobo] I'm trying to help you.
[They continue fighting each other in the alley. Finn then runs out with his face covered in juice.]
Finn: [sits] Whew! [pants]
[One of the hobos peaks around the corner, but Finn punches him with his eyes closed.]
Jake: How much coin would it take for you to be my berry foot warmer?
Finn: Dude!
Jake: Oh, hey, man.
Finn: Jake, this money is bad. We got to get rid of all of it right now.
Jake: Okay, I got a plan. And this time, it's gonna involve all the money.
[The song "Money" plays as Finn and Jake bribe their way past several guards and the elevator operator to Wildberry Princess, who is sleeping in a tub of meat in a "decompressing" room.]
[Jake throws moneybags at the door.]
Wildberry Princess: [yawns]
[Jake continues throwing the bags and breaks down the door.]
Wildberry Princess: Finn and Jake?
Jake: Princess, are you ready to earn all this cay-ash?
Wildberry Princess: What...?
Jake: All of this sweet, sweet crunkle is yours if you let me... [holds up a tiny stool] sit on your head.
Wildberry Princess: [yelling] Get out of here!
Jake: [scoffs] No one can say no to this much dinero. ♪M-m-money♪
Wildberry Princess: Jake, I am warning you.
[Jake shrinks down and sits on Wildberry Princess' head.]
Jake: ♪M-m-money♪
Wildberry Princess: [growls]
Jake: ♪M-m-money♪
Wildberry Princess: Aah! Guards! Guards! Seize Finn and Jake and prepare them for execution!
Jake: Or don't do that and get paid mad bucks.
Wildberry Princess: And take all their money!
Jake: Take all my money?!
[The scene cuts to Finn and Jake hanging by their wrists on a stage.]
Jake: Well, we were trying to get rid of all that skrilla anyway, right?
Wildberry Princess: Finn and Jake, yes, you have insulted me, but worse than that, you have abused the power of money!
Crowd: [gasps]
Wildberry Princess: We will deal with you swiftly and ironically by encasing you in your own molten gold!
[Above Finn and Jake, a Wildberry Person stirs a gigantic pot of liquid gold.]
Wildberry Princess: Release the golden flood!
[A Wildberry Person turns a crank, which releases the flow of gold.]
Finn: [gasps]
[Just before the gold pours on to Finn and Jake, an arrow hits the chute and pushes it over the Strawberry Guard.]
Strawberry Guard: Oh, no! Aah!
[Gold encases the Strawberry Guard. The crowd disperses, screaming.]
Wildberry Princess: Who dares?
BMO: Ho, ho, ho! Robbing Hood is the defender of the poor!
[A Jelly Horse gallops up, with Neptr tied to its side.]
Neptr: Me too!
Jake: Good shot, BMO!
BMO: I was aiming for the rope. [shoots an arrow] Yeah!
[The arrow hits Jake in the armpit. Jake pulls it out and cuts Finn and Jake's ropes with it.]
Jake: Let's bounce, po' boy.
[They all get on the Jelly Horse and ride away.]
Wildberry Princess: Finn and Jake, if you ever return to Wildberry Kingdom again, I'll have you double-dipped in gold! Unless I get a written apology.
[Outside the Tree Fort, Finn spots a coin.]
Finn: Huh? Gold piece. You want to flip to see who writes that apology letter?
Jake: How about you write it, I sign it.
Finn: [laughs] No way, man.
[Finn and Jake enter the now-empty treasure room. Finn flips the coin, which rolls across the floor and down a hole.]

Episode ends

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