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This article is a transcript of the Adventure Time episode "His Hero" from season 1, which aired on September 20, 2010.

Locations
Billy's legendary crack
Grass Lands
A town
This transcript is complete; however, it should be checked for minor errors.

Transcript

[The episode begins with Finn, Jake, and the Swamp Giant falling from a great height. They are both gripping onto the giant.]
Swamp Giant: AAAAH!
Finn: Last chance, Swamp Giant! Tell us where you hid the Mini Queen!
Swamp Giant: NEVER!!
[The three scream as they fall. Squeaking is heard.]
Finn: Huh? [He finds the Mini Queen.] Hi, Mini Queen! Jake! I've got 'er!
Jake: Then hold my hand, dude! [Finn does so.] Whoooop!
[Jake inflates, making himself and Finn reach terminal velocity sooner and float gently to the ground.]
Swamp Giant: Aaaah! Oof!
[The swamp giant hits the ground. Finn and Jake land on the flattened giant. Jake lets his air out and deflates.]
Finn: My inflatable angel.
Jake: Heh heh heh. [They jump off the giant.] How's the Mini Queen?
Finn: I dunno. Can't understand a word she says. [The Mini Queen promptly writes a message on Finn's hand that says, "THANK YOU 4 SAVING ME, XOXO CALL ME." The Mini Queen shapes her antennae to look like a heart.] Aww! My pleasure, ma'am! I just like beating up evil! [Finn performs a "handshake" with one of her antennae. She squeaks.] Okay... Didn't... catch any of that either.
[The Mini Queen jumps on Jake's nose and then leaps away.]
Jake: [Sniffs] Mini Queen must've stepped in somethin' funky. [Sniffs] No... It's not tiny feet I'm smelling! This way! [He sniffs the ground and follows a scent. The scent leads him to a sword.] Whoa!
Finn: What?
Jake: [In awe] Do you know whose sword this is?! This is the sword of Billy!
Finn: Billy?!
Finn and Jake: [Singing] BIIILLYYYYYY!!!
[Flashback]
Young Billy: Nothung!
[The sword comes to Billy and sparks lightning dramatically. The musical sequence begins.]
[Back in the present]
Finn: Oh, yeah! That was the most mathematical thing ever!
Jake: Oh, yeah! Hahaha! He fought a bear!
Finn: This is so cool!
[He attempts to pull out the sword. The ground cracks and makes a hole in the side of the mountain appear.]
Finn and Jake: Whoa!
Finn: It's Billy's legendary crack!
[They go inside. They gasp as they are treated with Billy's presence.]
Billy: [Sighs] Hello.
Finn: [Whispering to Jake] It's him! It's him!!
Jake: [Whispering] I know, I know! Be cool!!
Billy: Yep. It's me.
Finn: Man! I'm such a huge nerd for you! Please take us on as hero apprentices!
Billy: What for?
Finn: So that we could learn to kick evil's butt... just like you!
Jake: I wanna be the dog version of you!
Billy: Ahh, that'd be a waste of time.
Jake: Heh. Yeah. I-I'm a little paunchy... but I could do some sit-ups!
Billy: No, I was talking about beating up monsters. It's as pointless as a dog chasing his own tail.
Jake: Heh. See, that's where you're wrong... 'cuz watch! [He tries to catch his tail, of course to no avail.] Ah... ah...
Finn: What do you mean, "pointless?" We just saved the Mini Queen from a monster!
Billy: You know where she is right now? She's probably being eaten by a different monster. She's probably dead. [Finn gasps.] In my youth, I was much like you. Motivated. Headstrong. Wore a silly, little outfit. Even had a magic dog.
[Billy points to his skeleton of a dog.]
Jake: [Scared, yet smiling] Heh... I'm gonna pass out... [Falls backward]
Billy: All my life, I've beaten on evil creatures. [Deep sigh] But new evil keeps popping up. Kicking their butts was a hopeless effort!
Jake: What other way is there?
Billy: Nonviolently. Help people by being active in your community.
Finn: Nonviolently?? [Sighs] I gotta try being nonviolent... the Billy way...
Jake: Me, too!
Finn: Billy, I won't let you down!
Jake: I love you, Billy! I got a secret crush on you, Billy!
[They run away screaming. Billy sighs wearily. The scene shifts to the Grass Lands. Finn is riding on Jake.]
Finn: This is gonna be tough, Jake. I'll have to suppress my every warrior instinct.
Jake: Relax. It'll be easy not to beat up on monsters and still help people.
Cobbler: Help! Help! [Finn and Jake notice his cries.] A monster! [The cobbler runs into Jake's leg. Jake retracts.] Oh! Thank goodness! Heroes! I'm being chased by a horrible Dragon! Please, please help!
Finn: Oh, uh...
Jake: Oh...
Cobbler: Act quickly! He's almost upon us!
Jake: [Straightforward] Sorry. We don't beat stuff up anymore.
Cobbler: No, but please! [Stammers frantically]
Finn: [To Jake] Dude. We gotta do something to help him.
Jake: I could teach 'im how to not be such a spaz.
Finn: [To cobbler] Hey, Mister. Besides being chased by a monster, what else is wrong?
Cobbler: Well... I've been running all day. I guess I'm pretty hungry.
Jake: Say no more. [Walking away, pulling Finn with him] Come on, Finn.
Cobbler: Where're you going?!
Jake: To make you somethin' to eat!
[They leave. The dragon arrives.]
Cobbler: AAAH!! NO!! HELP!!
[The dragon attacks him by breathing fire. The scene transitions to a town where Finn and Jake are running a food stand.]
Finn: I still feel weird about not fighting off that dragon.
Jake: Trust me. This is a way better way to help 'im. [Yelling out] Gruel! Get your free gruel!
Lady: [Walking up to stand] What's this all about?
Finn: Free gruel, ma'am. I can't beat monster butts, but I can beat your hungry guts. That's for sure!
Lady: Hahaha! [Eats gruel] I didn't throw up! This gruel is very adequate.
Finn: [Victoriously] YEAH!!!
[Cut to the other townspeople eating Finn and Jake's gruel.]
Finn: This is great, Jake!
Jake: Yeah, we're really helpin' people!
Finn: Whoa! Look who it is!
[The cobbler walks up to Finn and Jake. There are scorch marks on him.]
Jake: Dude! You're alive!
Cobbler: [Angrily] No thanks to you two!! That dragon chased me for two days!! ...And then I was lost for... uh, three days... and then I... I fell under a spell of a beautiful enchantress for... [Unsure] a week? So that's two, plus three, plus a week—
[Jake shushes him.]
Jake: [Deliberate] Dude. Gruel.
Cobbler: Oh, thank you! [Eats it] Hahahaha! Hahaha. [His hand suddenly becomes encased in stone.] AAAH! WHAT'S HAPPENING?!
Finn: Huh? [Holds up glass with potion in it] Oh, that's probably the stone skin potion I added to the recipe. It gives your body the power to grow armor.
Cobbler: Wha? Ah... uh?!
[More of his body becomes encased in stone. The cobbler strikes himself with a fork, and it has no effect. The cobbler panics.]
Jake: Dude... how much of that potion did you use?
[Finn holds up five more empty potion bottles. The townspeople have grown armor as well. One of the townspeople's belly button starts shooting flames.]
Townsperson: AAAAH!! MY TUMMY IS BREATHING FIRE!!!
Finn: [To Jake] Geez... I thought people would like that.
Cobbler: Why?! Why would anyone want that?!
Finn: So you can defend against evil monsters!
Cobbler: You're supposed to beat up monsters so we don't have to defend ourselves!
Finn: No, see? I'm helping you nonviolently!
Cobbler: Helping?! I can't even move my hands! I'm a cobbler! How'm I supposed to cobble with these useless chunk mitts?!
Finn: Sooo... the village needs the help of a new cobbler, eh?
Finn and Jake: [Thinking] Hmmmmmm...
Cobbler: WHAT?! NO—
[Cut to the shoe-repair shop.]
Finn: Alright! We're cobblers!
Cobbler: No, you're not!! You're just watching my shop while I go to the dermatologist! [Leaving] And don't try to cobble anything!
Jake: [To Finn] What does "cobble" mean, anyway?
Finn: I think it has something to do with shoes...
Fine Lady: [Entering shop] Excuse me! Can you help me? I need a broken heel fixed. I'm going to a fancy funeral.
Finn: [Taking shoe and heel] Of course I'll help!
[Scene transition. Finn is hammering in the heel.]
Finn: There! [Rolling over to lady] Whah! [He puts the shoe on her foot.] Pa-kow!!
Fine Lady: Ah!
[She seems content with the repair. Suddenly, a blade comes out of the shoe. The lady makes a small gasp.]
Finn: Now you can fight off evil if it shows up at the funeral!
Jake: [To Finn] Did you fix that shoe with a magic nail?
Finn: Maybe... [The shoe arms axes, an extra blade, and a lasso.] Whoa!
Jake: Cool!
Fine Lady: I cannot go to the funeral in these!
Cobbler: [Entering shop] Hey, everyone! I'm back from the doctor! [The lady's shoe lace lasso's the cobbler.] WHY?! [The lace forces the cobbler to the ground.]
Fine Lady: [To Finn and Jake] ...And I'm not supposed to bring a guest.
Cobbler: [To Finn and Jake] GET OUT!!
[Cut to outside the shop.]
Finn: Apparently, I suck at being nonviolent.
Jake: Dude, suckin' at somethin' is the first step towards bein' sorta good at somethin'. You and I are like little baby Billys right now, and we're "sucking" on our first bottle of nonviolent milk!
Finn: [Frustrated sigh] Totes. I'll stop "pooping" my diaper.
Jake: Whoa, what?!
Townsperson with fire-spitting belly button: HELP! I NEED MEDICAL HELP!!
Finn: Medical help? Hmmmmm...
[The scene shifts to the hospital where Finn and Jake are doctors.]
Finn: How can we help?
Lumpy Space Princess: I want surgery to make my body hot.
Finn: Yikes...
Lumpy Space Princess: Yeah. I know I'm already pretty smokin'... but I bought this swimsuit, so I need a swimsuit body.
Jake: [Whistles] [To Finn] You up for some serious plastic surgery?
[The Adventure Time logo swirls onto the screen.]
[Lumpy Space Princess comes out of the hospital with a new body, complete with legs.]
Lumpy Space Princess: Aw, yeah! This body's hot! And powerful! [Suddenly, machine parts form on her body like a cyborg.] Huh?! Aw, what?! [Her legs turns into a wheel. She makes pained noises.]
Jake: Dude, did you use a magic nail again?
Finn: I've got three left!
Lumpy Space Princess: Ohhhh... [She gains a robotic eye.] What did you do to me??
Finn: We transformed you into a cyborg fighter! That's hot, right?
Lumpy Space Princess: No one thinks this look is hot!!
[The cobbler suddenly walks up.]
Cobbler: [To Lumpy Space Princess] Oh, my laces! You're the most beautiful— [He suddenly gets shot with a laser from her robotic eye.]
Lumpy Space Princess: Huh?!
[Her wheel activates, and she speeds into the cobbler. The townsperson with the flame-shooting belly button runs by again screaming.]
Finn: ...Jake...?
Jake: ....Yeah...?
Finn: I think us being nonviolent... is hurting people. Man... Billy is gonna be so bummed out...
Jake: Not if we run away, Finn! We'll have to live in halfway homes and be cannibals! We'll survive!
Finn: I just wanna sit here and moan.
Jake: Then I'll moan with ya, buddy.
Finn: [Moaning] Thaaaanks, buuuddy...
Jake: [Moaning] Yoooouuu'rrre weeeelcooome...
[Finn and Jake notice more cries for help.]
Old Lady: AAAH! AAAH! HELP ME!!
Swamp Giant: Hahaha! Relax! I'm just gonna grind you up!!
Old Lady: AAAH! AAAH!
Jake: [To Finn] Aw, man, this grass-bag again?? [Heroically] HEY, EVIL-DOER! [Weakly] Um... could you keep your evil-doing quiet? Finn is dealing with some heavy stuff over here.
Swamp Giant: It's not evil!! When they get this old, they wanna be ground up!! Hahaha! Right, you old bat?!
Old Lady: Help!!
[Finn sweats.]
Swamp Giant: Right?!?
[Finn strains, visibly in conflict.]
Old Lady: Oooh!! Aaah!!
[Finn raises his fist.]
Finn: Huh?? A fist raised in righteous anger?! Oh, no! It's my fist!! I've gotta think of a way to save this old lady without punchin' this guy in the face!! Hmmm...
Swamp Giant: [To Old Lady] Yeah, you wanna get ground up, right?!?
Finn: [Furiously] WRONG!!!! [He punches and uppercuts the Swamp Giant, saving the Old Lady.] [Quietly, to Jake] I couldn't think of anything...
Old Lady: Whooo! [Falls in Finn's and Jake's arms]
Finn: POOP!! I saved her with violence...
Old Lady: What's your huff, son?
Finn: The greatest hero in the world told me to help people without being violent... and I promised I would do that and not let him down... but I did let 'im down.
Old Lady: Stuff and nonsense! You sure helped this old gal out! And you did it with violence! Like a true hero, you were born to punch evil creatures! [Punches Finn] Just like I was born to be an old lady! Don't deny your rowdy nature, paladins! [Starts dancing] And don't take advice from old people! [Continues dancing]
Finn: Yeah... Yeah...! YEAH!! That old lady has a point!
Jake: Wait, didn't she say not to take advice from old peo—
Finn: It's all so clear to me! Back to the cave of Billy!!
Jake: Cha!!
[Scene transition to Billy's cave.]
Finn: It's us again.
Jake: And we've got exciting news!
Billy: Aw, I don't—I don't wanna buy anything.
Finn: Billy, an old lady told me that I shouldn't listen to you because you're old. Also, that I should do what I was born to do... which is kickin' buns.
Billy: Don't you see how pointless it is? You know what's probably happening to that old lady right now? She's probably dead!
Jake: She's right here. [Turns around, revealing her]
Old Lady: Hello!
[Billy gasps.]
Finn: We saved 'er, Billy.
Jake: You saved 'er.
Finn: I saved 'er, Billy. I saved 'er using violence. And that's not a bad thing, Billy! This old lady is alive because of these! [Holds up fists and leg] And look how happy she is, man! She's elated!
Billy: Hmm. Perhaps you're right. [Pained groan] It's... it's as if your words are filling a void in my very being... You wanna watch? [He reveals a literal void in his stomach. Finn and Jake gasp. The hole starts filling up with body mass.] Nothung! [The sword comes back once again.] Finn and Jake... truly, you are my heroes. [They laugh excitedly.] Now you're freakin' me out... [Finn, Jake, and the old lady climb on Billy enthusiastically. Finn and Jake are taken off.]
Jake: We're his heroes!!
[Billy looks at the old lady.]
Billy: Huh... Hello.
Jake: Ha! Haha! I love you, Billy!!
Billy: Get outta here!!
[Finn and Jake run out quickly, laughing heartily. As Finn and Jake happily wander off, Billy nods contentedly. The episode comes to a close.]

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