This article is a transcript of the Adventure Time episode "Hitman" from season 3, which aired on August 1, 2011.

This transcript is complete.


[Episode starts in the Breakfast Kingdom. Breakfast Princess is eating breakfast alongside Toast Princess in a bed. Ice King peers at them through a window. He starts laughing.]
Ice King: Good morning, Breakfast Princesses. [He sneakily climbs in through the window. He comes up beside their bed with a jar of honey and a honey dipper. He drips honey on Breakfast Princess's waffles.]
Breakfast Princess: Huh? [Ice King looks up at them, mumbling incoherently and then suddenly frowns.] Sis, give me the phone. [Toast Princess hands her a phone from beside their bed. Breakfast Princess dials a number.] [talking on phone:] Oh, hey, Finn. I got another Ice King situation here. Oh, yeah? That would be great! Thanks.
[Finn and Jake barge through a door in the room.]
Finn: Ice King?! How many times have we warned you about using love potion?
Ice King: That's why I'm using honey.
Jake: Man, who cares if it's honey? You stink anyways.
Finn: [laughs] Yeah, you stink so much I'm gonna ground you for a week!
Ice King: What? You can't do that!
Finn: You're grounded for two weeks!
Ice King: You're grounded for two weeks!
Finn: [slowly] Three weeks.
Jake: Oh, snaps!
Ice King: Why? I didn't do anything.
Finn: Four weeks?
Ice King: [Ice King slaps his face and drags his hands down to his beard while facing the ceiling. He suddenly looks at Finn.] Fine. But I'm only gonna do it for a week.
Finn: That just grounded you for four weeks.
Jake: Oh, dang!
Ice King: [sighs] Okay. [Ice King starts to walk out. He turns back to look at Finn and Jake. Jake gives him the peace sign on both hands while Finn just smiles at him.] What's up with the peace sign?
Jake: Oh, nah, I'm just trying to show you how many weeks ya got.
Finn: Get outta here, bubble-butt!
[Ice King runs out while screaming. His butt outline is shown through his clothes. Finn and Jake laugh when he's gone.]
Jake: Awesome. [Finn and Jake knuckle-punch.]
[Scene changes to the Ice Kingdom at night. Ice King is heard screaming. The scene changes to inside Ice King's home.]
Ice King: This is so unfair! They're the ones who should be grounded. Not me! [Ice King shakes his head quickly.] I'm so mad! I could just hit them! If only I could hit them without leaving the castle. [Ice King taps his crown while closing his eyes in concentration. He gets an idea and goes over to his computer. He starts typing.] [reading what he's typing:] H...I...T...M...A...N. [in his own thoughts:] Ooh! [A profile pops up. It is the Scorcher's profile. It reads:
Hitman - Hits people for you.
Ice King: Perfect. [reading what he's typing]
Dear Mr. Scorcher,
I would like you to hit two people. Neat name by the way. Love, the Ice King. [Ice King types out <3 to signify a heart when he says love.]
[The Scorcher appears behind Ice King right after he sent the email. Ice King screams in surprise.]
Ice King: Whoa, you are fast. [The Scorcher looks at him and says nothing.] And quiet. [The Scorcher continues to look at him quietly.] And very good at dramatic silence. I like it. [Ice King gets up from his chair by the computer.] Alright, so, how do we do this? We shake hands or... [The Scorcher's hand lights on fire and Ice King screams in fright. The Scorcher produces a contract from the fires. He hands it to Ice King.] Oh-ho, paperwork! [The contract reads: Who shall I hit?] [reading off what he's writing:] Finn and Jake. [The contract is lit on fire and disappears. The Scorcher emits a black vapor and vanishes, taking the vapor with him. Ice King starts laughing. He flies over to his telescope.] Whoosh! [He looks at Finn and Jake's house. He sees Finn and Jake inside. He also sees the Scorcher outside, looking at them.] A-ha, there he is. Huh? What's he doing? [The Scorcher lights their Tree Fort on fire. The Scorcher then disappears while a fire rages.] What the—?! I hired a hitman, not a fireman! [Ice King flies out of his castle.]
[Scene changes to inside of the Tree Fort. We can see fires raging outside while Finn and Jake are making sandwiches.]
Jake: Dude, you see my masterpiece coming together, right? [Jake's sandwich is almost as big as Jake's face.]
Finn: Mine's whack. [Finn's sandwich has two pieces of lettuce, a tomato, and a slice of cheese.]
Jake: Well, put some meat in there!
Finn: Huh. What kind of meat is that?
Jake: That's Meat Man's meat.
Finn: Do you think it hurts Meat Man when he gives us his meat?
Jake: I don't know. I can't read his mind.
[Jake is about to take a bite of his sandwich, when Ice King breaks through their wall, blowing ice everywhere, freezing Finn and Jake's tree house. Jake's sandwich gets frozen in a block of ice.]
Jake: [yells:] No!
Ice King: You guys, I—
Finn: What do you think "grounded" means?!
Jake: It's wasted, man.
Finn: Oh, great. Now see what you did to my buddy? So help me, Ice King.
Ice King: Okay, okay. Goll. [Ice King leaves]
Finn: It's alright, buddy. We can make another. [Finn puts him arm around Jake to comfort him.]
[Scene switches to Ice King flying to his castle.]
Ice King: Sheesh, this Scorcher guy's got some weird ideas about hitting.
[Ice King arrives at his house. The Scorcher hands him a piece of paper.]
Ice King: Hey, there you are! What's that? I already signed that. [Ice King slaps the paper away.] I thought I told you to hit them, not burn them alive! You big dummy! Goll! It's almost like you want to kill them! Lucky for them, I stopped the fire! [The Scorcher's eyes glow brighter. He runs out while Ice King rambles on.] You know what happens when you're burned alive?! Your eyeballs explode! Bleh! [Ice King turns around and doesn't see the Scorcher.] Hey wha—?
[Scene changes back to the Tree Fort. Finn and Jake are asleep.
Finn: [while dreaming:] Punch, punch, punch!
Jake: [while dreaming:] Rainicorn, don't eat 'im. [Jake snores loudly.]
[Suddenly, the Scorcher appears in the middle of the room. He turns into a black vapor and covers everything in the room. He goes inside Finn's and Jake's bodies through their open mouths.
[Scene shows Ice King looking through the window. He gasps and breaks the window open. He blows winds through the room.]
Ice King: Ice wind! Blow! Blow! Blow!
Jake: [while dreaming:] Meat Man. Meat Man, I'm sorry, Meat Man, I didn't mean it, man. [Jake snores.]
Ice King: Finn and Jake, I am just a dream. I was never here...[Ice King flies away.]
[Scene changes back to the Ice King's castle. The Scorcher is waiting for the Ice King there.]
Ice King: Okay, mister, you are really trying my patience. How clear can I be?! All I want you to do is hit them. On the shoulder or something. [Ice King shows the Scorcher by punching him on the shoulder.] Are you even listening? Oh, I get it. [Ice King pulls out a wad of dollar bills.] Here's double the grease to not kill Finn and Jake. [The Scorcher burns the money while Ice King laughs nervously.] You trying to hustle me, Scorcher? Okay, I'll play this game. How about this prized piece for your pad? [Ice King pulls out a deer head mounted to a plaque. He presses a button, and the deer starts singing 'I wanna live live live, I wanna live live live.' The Scorcher burns it.] [yells:] No! Okay, how about these bad boys? Night-vision x-ray goggles. For when you have a lady house-guest. [The Scorcher burns the goggles off his face.] Oh, come on! [Camera shows two Gunters looking at the Ice King, then the other Gunter, then back at the Ice King.] At least renegotiate the target! You can destroy my least favorite princesses. [Ice King holds up a picture of Lumpy Space Princess.] What about Lumpy Space Princess? [The Scorcher burns the picture.] Ghost Princess? [Ice King holds up a picture of Ghost Princess.] I can't even hold her with my love mitts. [The Scorcher burns the picture.] Aw, geez! Uh... [The Scorcher makes a fire in front of Ice King's face.] Oh! A—A leg cramp! In my leg! Ow, ow, ow. [Ice King hops over to a door.] Oh, this is so embarrassing. I'll be right back! [Ice King exits.] [Scene changes to room near the entry room of Ice King's castle.] Ow, ow, ow! [Ice King hides beside the door.] Huh. Think, baby, come on. Ah! [Ice King pulls out a laptop computer out of his beard.] Alright, let's hit the hitman, right? There's gotta be a— [Ice King searches 'Hitman Hitman'.] Ah! [A profile for 'Blastronaut' comes up. It reads:
Ice King: Blastronaut. #1 solution for all Hitman problems. Sheesh, 99.95? That's nuts. [Ice King clicks the place order button. A new page pops up that says 'ENTER TARGET NAME:'.] [reading what he's typing:] Scorcher. [A new page comes up that says 'TARGET ACQURIED'.]
[Scene changes back to main entry room, where Scorcher is reading a book off of Ice King's coffee table. A wall suddenly explodes, and Blastronaut bursts in, shooting lasers everywhere.
[Scene switches back to Ice King, who is looking at the Blastronaut.]
Ice King: Sweet!
[The Scorcher is standing still as the Blastronaut's lasers shoot past him, completely missing him. The Scorcher walks up to the Blastronaut and slices his suit in half with fire. A goblin jumps out of the suit. He runs away, shocking Ice King. Ice King runs out from his hiding spot.]
Ice King: No! Come back, you wussy! [ Ice King realizes the Scorcher is watching him.] Ooh, that was weird. [The Scorcher turns his hand into a fist and lights it on fire.] Was that your friend, or something? [Ice King laughs nervously. The Scorcher only gets angrier. Ice King points above the Scorcher.] Look, a super model! Look, a hover-board! Look, the apocalypse! Someone got hit in the boing-loins! Hit in the boing-loins! [The Scorcher squints.] Boing-loins! Boing-loins. Somebody got hit in them. [The Scorcher turns around.] Peace out! [Ice King freezes The Scorcher and flies away. The Scorcher is shown melting his icy chamber.]
[Scene changes to Ice King flying away.]
Ice King: Freakin' butt! Butt, butt, butt!
[Scene changes to Tree Fort. Jake is looking out of a window.]
Jake: Hey, Finn, you awake yet?
Finn: [while lying down:] I'm trying.
Jake: I had a dream about Meat Man.
Finn: Oh, yeah?
Jake: I think I'm gonna stop eating Meat Man. [Jake turns around just as Ice King tackles him inside. Finn points to him.]
Finn: You're grounded!
Ice King: I know, but shush!
[Finn stares in silence as Jake slurps his coffee.]
Ice King: Okay, I hired a guy to kill you by accident.
Finn and Jake: What?!
Ice King: I thought he was going to just hit you in the gut and make you spit up your lunch. [Finn and Jake stare at him, wordlessly.] Well, I froze him in ice, but I think he's free now 'cause he's made out of fire. Or he commands fire, maybe?
Jake: Good job. Good job, the Ice King.
[The Scorcher breaks into the Tree Fort in a cloud of black vapor.]
Finn: Oh, my life!
[The Scorcher throws a fire ball at Jake, who ducks it. The fire burns a hole in the wall. Jake throws his coffee in the Scorcher's face.]
Jake: C'mon, man, let's get outta here!
[Scene switches to outside of the Tree Fort. Jake grows big to run quickly away with Finn on his back, and Ice King flies away. The Scorcher gets up, turns into a black vapor, and follows them.]
Finn: Jake, do something. He's getting close!
[Jake stretches out a foot to hit the Scorcher. He misses. The Scorcher squints as he summons a giant fire ball. Jake, in his haste, trips over a tree stump. Finn and Jake fall to the ground and look up to see the fire ball hurtling towards them. They hug each other and don't look. Before the fire ball can reach them, Ice King builds a barrier out of ice to protect himself and them.]
Ice King: You alive?
Jake: Uh, I think so.
Ice King: Whew! That was close.
[Suddenly, the ice barrier starts shaking. The Scorcher is shown throwing fire balls at the barrier. Water drips on Jake's head.]
Jake: Uh, hey, guys? I don't think this ice dome is gonna last long.
Finn: What do we do?
Ice King: [Ice King closes his eyes in concentration. He gets an idea.] Ooh, got it! I'm gonna kill you guys!
Jake: Hey, I'll kill you!
Ice King: No, wait a minute, you two. I won't actually kill you. I'm just gonna lower your body temperatures so you seem dead. And after we fool that fool outside, I'll warm you up, good as new.
Jake: No way, man! [Jake turns his back to the Ice King.] You already messed up enough stuff. You're probably gonna kill us, too.
Finn: Yeah, we don't trust you!
[Ice King zaps them anyway, encapsulating them in ice chunks.]
Ice King: You'll thank me later.
[Scene switches to outside. Ice King breaks open the dome.]
Ice King: [to the Scorcher:] Stop! Time out! You don't need to do this anymore! Look! They're dead! I killed them myself! [Ice King starts hitting Finn's ice chunk.] Dead, dead, dead, dead, dead, dead! They're dead. No pulses.
[The Scorcher squints. He melts Finn's ice chunk to feel his pulse on his arm. The Scorcher nods.]
Ice King: So, uh, looks like, you can go home now.
[The Scorcher produces a contract from a fire. Ice King yells until he realizes what it is.]
Ice King: Oh, yes, of course. [He signs the contract.] There. [The Scorcher burns the contract and disappears in a black vapor. He leaves a paper that reads:
Echos of past events
nudge the tiller on
my present course
I await its reflection
in the future.
Ice King looks at it and throws it away.]
Ice King: Oh, glad all that's over. [Ice King gets up on Finn and Jake's ice chambers.] Hey, guys, guess what? You're grounded. Underneath my butt! [Ice King laughs.]
Episode ends.