Jake: ...AAAAAAAAAaaa (singing) aaaloutte, gentille Alouette, Alouette, je te plumerai. Je te plumerai la tête! Je te plumerai la tête! Alouette, (Flopping lips with fingers) je te plumerai!
(Finn and BMO applaud him.)
Finn: Huh. I guess you do know all the words. Anyway, start the next video, BMO. We gotta crack the code on the Ice King's evil secret tapes!
(Outside, the Ice King finishes covering the Tree Fort with snow. He grunts angrily.)
Finn: Brrrr... You guys cold?
Jake: Yeah, it's kinda chilly in here.
(Finn rewinds the tape. Ice King clears the snow to look through a window. Finn, Jake, and BMO are now wearing sweaters and have the fireplace lit.)
Ice King: (To himself) Agh... What's on those tapes...? I can kinda... make it out... Dang it, BMO, just turn to your right a little.... Ugh!! By the power of ice... I want your cup of cocoa to fall over. (BMO's hot chocolate freezes, rises from the cup, and knocks the cup over.) Yes! Now turn and pick it up... (BMO turns of his own accord.) Yes... Yes... (Gasps as he views himself on BMO's screen) That's... me? (Beat) THEY'RE WATCHING MY SECRET TAPES?! (Goes away from window angrily) And they're cozy. I'll show them. (Makes snowman) This snowman looks pretty good. (Smiles) Pretty darn good! (He puts a face on it and laughs playfully.)
(Inside, Finn and Jake are watching a tape of Ice King crying. A penguin comes up.)
Penguin (On tape): Wenk.
Ice King (On tape): Could I have five more minutes, please?
(The penguin walks away; Ice King continues crying. Finn and Jake stare awkwardly at the screen. A screen bug pops up that says, "You're watching AN ADVENTURE TIME CHRISTMAS SPECIAL—ON CN." The video deactivates.)
BMO: I think I can break the code, Finn.
BMO: Yes. I have detected a noticeable pattern in the tears of sadness that fall from the Ice King's eyeballs. (BMO demonstrates on the screen.) His tears drop at an equal rate until the thirteenth tear, when the right eye drops two tears instead of one.
Jake: This is so fascinating...
BMO: The thirteenth letter of the alphabet is "M." If I print the letter "M" every time the Ice King says an "M" word, it looks like this! (Prints paper)
Finn: Oh, my Glob, Jake... Is this it? Could this be the Ice King's evil secret? (The paper shows ASCII art of a penguin.) (Furiously ripping up paper) WHAT DOES IT MEAN?!
(Outside, Ice King is pacing back and forth in front of a snowman army.)
Ice King: Some of you won't survive this. You'll melt or split in half or your head will fall off... but that's fine... because you're made of snow. Only one thing matters today! Getting into that tree house, getting my tapes back, and beating up Finn and Jake! (Beat) Maybe BMO. Yeah, BMO too! Who's with me?! (No response) Hey, why're you guys so quiet? Are you mad? (Snaps) Oh, that's right. You're not alive yet. My bad.
(He uses his ice magic to put life into the snowmen. The snowmen yell and grunt. Finn, Jake, and BMO notice the noise and run towards the window. When Finn opens the curtains, Ice King right in front of the window.)
Ice King: Gimme my tapes back.
Finn: No, man! I know you've got evil secrets on these, and we're gonna find 'em!
Ice King: Snowmen! Attack!
(The snowmen come towards Ice King and attack him.)
Finn: (Closing curtain) Crip, Jake! We gotta unravel these evil secrets at warp-crazy!
(The trio goes to the bedroom and hides under the bed to watch another tape.)
Ice King (On tape): Good morning. You're watching the evening news. There's been an unfortunate event. Let's go talk to some witnesses. (He turns the camera to an imprisoned Wildberry Princess.) Princess, what is your name?
Wildberry Princess (On tape): Please! Let me go home!
Ice King: (Jokingly) So, Princess "Please-let-me-go-home.".. what was it like to experience this tragedy?
Wildberry Princess: What? (Stammering) I... I don't... uh... um...
Ice King: Yeah, we're on air, honey, so spit it out.
Wildberry Princess: I... I don't know what you're talking about.
Ice King: Obviously traumatized and in a state of shock. Let's go ask somebody else something. (Turns camera upside-down) Upside-down Princess, do you think things will change politically because of today's events?
Wildberry Princess: You're really frightening me.
Ice King: Well, there ya have it, folks. People are very upset that Gunther tried to eat Ice King's socks! Very upset! That's why Gunther has to stay in the corner! (Turns camera to a penguin)
Finn: Weird... (A loud sound is heard) He's sneakin' in through the chimney!
(Ice King busts horizontally though the chimney into the tree house.)
Ice King: Ah... The element of surprise... Ah, jeez, I'm filthy. (Takes off robe) Well, now I'm cleaner, but I'm also nakeder. (Goes to another room and notices a table full of delicious-looking food.) Ohh! Mmm... (Licks lips) Just what I need... (He pulls the table cloth from under the dishes, shattering and spilling everything on the table.) Hehehehe... (Dons red cloth; goes to door and opens it to reveal four waiting snowmen) Come on, come on!
(The snowmen enter the house. Ice King pulls out a locket with pictures of Finn and Jake in it to show the snowmen what they look like. The snowmen scour the house.)
(Back in the bedroom, Finn and Jake are watching a tape of Ice King singing a cover of Marceline's Fry Song.)
(Back in the other room, a snowman opens the refrigerator and motions the other three snowmen to join him. The four snowmen look through the refrigerator. Ice King angrily shoos them away.)
Ice King: (Whispering to a snowman looking in a fruit bowl) They wouldn't be in the fruit bowl! (The snowman has an apple stuck on his face.) Ohhh! Well, look at you with your nose shining so bright! You're so unique! Hehe! I'll name you Red-nose, and make you leader of the pack! (He accidentally knocks the apple off the snowman's face.) Eh... Well, now you look boring. (The snowman makes a devastated face. Ice King picks up the apple.) You want somethin' done right, ya gotta do it yourself. (Sticks apple on nose and smiles)
(In the bedroom, Finn and Jake are watching another tape of Ice King crying. A snowman notices them and knocks the bed over, uncovering the trio.)
Ice King: Now gimme my evil tapes back!! They're supposed to be buried!! In the ground!! (Fires ice blast at Finn and Jake, who dodge it.) Snow goons!!
(While Finn and Jake fight, BMO goes into hiding.)
BMO: Oh, no!
Jake: Don't worry, BMO!
(Jake grabs a snowman. Ice King freezes the snowman, trapping Jake. Finn fights another snowman.)
BMO: Finn! There is one more tape!
Finn: Play it! His evil secret must be on that tape!!
Ice King: (Urging) No, BMO, please don't play it.
(BMO does anyway. The final video activates. A human man is viewed on the screen.)
Simon (On tape): Hello. My name is Simon Petrikov. I am recording this tape so that people will know my story.
Ice King: Oh, no! Turn it off, BMO, turn it off!!
Simon (On tape): I was studying to be an antiquarian of ancient artifacts. Now, I never believed in the supernatural stuff myself—just had a fascination with superstitions... but everything changed when I came into contact with this item....
(Simon Petrikov slowly opens a safe and takes out a gem-encrusted crown. Finn and Jake look surprised.)
Finn and Jake: The Ice King!! (Interested, they sit down to listen closer. Ice King comes closer as well.)
Simon: After purchasing this crown from an old dock worker in northern Scandinavia, I brought it home and excitedly showed my fiancée Betty, (Putting crown on) and jokingly put it on my head just for a laugh or something... and that's when it started... The visions... (Whispering) I fought with them... (Raising his voice, frightened) Shouted at them until I realized it wasn't real—it was the crown!! (Taking crown off) I quickly took it off... and saw my fiancée in front of me... (Whispering) looking at me with such contempt. What had I said? What had I done when I wore this crown? All I know is I never saw Betty again.
(Another recording activates. Simon now has paler hair, blue skin, and stubble on his chin.)
Simon: Since then, I see the visions always whether or not I wear the crown. They tell me the secrets... the secrets of the ice and snow... that the power of the crown will save me with its frost. I don't yet know what this means. As you can see, my skin is beginning to turn blue. My body temperature has been lowering at a supernatural rate, to what is now about 30°C. I don't know when it will end... I'm really scared...
(Another recording activates. Simon now has a white mustache and beard.)
Simon: I know my mind is changing... but I'm already too far gone to know what to do. I want people to know that... if I do things... if I do things that hurt anyone, please... please forgive me.
(Another recording activates. Simon now very closely resembles Ice King.)
Simon: Just watch over me until I can find a way out of this labyrinth in my brain and regain my sanity!! And then maybe Betty, my princess... maybe you will love me again. (Sobbing) Please love me again, Betty!!
(Ice King cries.)
Jake: Drrr-AMA bomb!!
Ice King: Now you know my secret! You know... that I used to wear glasses! (Sobs more) Maybe kidnapping Wildberry Princess will cheer me up.
Finn: Wait, Ice King. (Dead serious) BMO, eject tape, please. (BMO ejects the tape, sending it flying into the case with the other tapes. Finn grabs the case and walks over to Ice King.) Here, Ice King.
Ice King: What's this? You're giving me... a gift.
Finn: No... It's... well... These belong to you.
Ice King: But it's not even my birthday! This is so exciting! (Opens case) Video tapes! Heh, you know, I had a bunch of these once, but I threw them away! This is great, Finn! Thank you!
Jake: It's from me, too.
Ice King: Oh! I have presents for you guys, too! (Goes to get them; Finn and Jake look at each other.) Here. It's a small pine tree. I chopped it down in one foul swoop! And this [a skunk that is either stuffed or dead] is for you!
Jake: (Taking skunk) Uh... thanks.
Ice King: Oh, isn't this fun?! We're giving each other presents, we're wearing silly clothes, there's snow everywhere... Let's do this every day!
Finn: How about once a year?
Ice King: (Laughing) Okay, that sounds good.
Shelby: And so it was decided... that once every year when the weather got chilly, that Finn, Jake, the Ice King, BMO, Princess Bubblegum, Marceline the Vampire Queen, Cinnamon Bun, Peppermint Butler, Phil, a candy cane man, one of the gumdrop girls, Lady Rainicorn, Lumpy Space Princess, that guy, the other guy, the pig, Tree Trunks, a two-headed duck, the old crazy Tart Toter, the punchbowl, a booger, and Gunter... would get together while wearing really big sweaters and watch videos on the floor next to a fire... to celebrate the day when Finn and Jake had a fleeting moment of empathy for the biggest weirdo in Ooo. It was a miracle. Good night. (The story ends.)