This article is a transcript of the Adventure Time episode "James (episode)" from season 5, which aired on November 25, 2013.

This transcript is complete.


[Finn, clad in mourner's tuxedo, is walking through the candy castle.]
Finn: Jake...? Jake? [opens storage closet] Hey, man.
Jake: Hey, dude.
Finn: You still thinking about...
Jake: Yeah.
Finn: Yeah? Me, too. Princess Bubblegum's ready for us, so we should go.
Jake: Okay. Just give me a few more months in here and I'll be ready.
Finn: It's okay, man. Just—just play it off. Just make a—a normal face. [passes hand over face] See? Normal face.
Jake: [passes hand over face] [he starts crying]
Finn: [starts crying]
[They walk out onto the balcony with Princess Bubblegum and two Banana Guards flanking... something covered in a sheet.]
Princess Bubblegum: Ladies and gentlemen, thank you for coming. We may begin the ceremony!
[Time card: ONE WEEK BEFORE]
[A three-legged robotic transport vehicle makes its way through the Desert of Wonder. Finn and Jake look out the window while Princess Bubblegum works the control panel.]
Finn: Thanks for bringing us along on the trip, Preebs.
Jake: Yeah. It's unfortunate we can't enjoy some of these cool things we're passing by, but I guess we could do that the next time we're in the Desert of Wonders, whenever that is!
Princess Bubblegum: We're on a mission to collect samples only. I want to start colonizing this area by the end of the year.
Jake: You are killing me, PB!
Princess Bubblegum: James, give a readout on fuel.
James: Right away, Princess. [makes whirring noises] Boop! Boop! Boop! Boop! Beet! We have a surplus of fuel, so after we collect samples, we may explore.
Finn & Jake: Yeah!
Jake: I'm glad James is on this trip. Hey, James, thumbs up, buddy!
James: [returns the thumbs up while making robotic noises]
Finn: Heh. Dude, James is kind of, uh, goofy.
Jake: I wasn't gonna say anything, but yeah. Maybe when we get to know him better, it'll be charming.
Princess Bubblegum: James, slow down. We're here.
James: I'm registering mondo mega rads down there. I'll ready the radiation suits upon landing.
Princess Bubblegum: Excellent. Take us down.
James: Hold on to your sack lunch!
[Finn and Jake strap in as the robot vehicle jumps into a large pit. It turns on its thrusters and lands softly. Finn, Jake, Princess Bubblegum, and James, clad in radiation suits, exit the vehicle.]
James: [walking robotically] Vrrt! Vrrt! Vrrt!
Princess Bubblegum: Okay. You guys collect as many surface samples as you can—rocks, plants, dirt, anything.
Jake: Mostly looks like it's just dirt here.
James: This'll be fun. [picks up a rock] Jake, open up the basket. I'm gonna make a shot!
Jake: Do it!
James: Chk-chk! Whoop! [throws rock]
Jake: Ha ha! [rock hits his helmet] [growls quietly]
James: Wah-wah!
Princess Bubblegum: [lifts up a rock, revealing some green substance] Hmm. [pokes it with a stick]
[The stick burns and the green substance bubbles. It turns out to be the mouth of a goo monster, which growls as it pokes its head out of the ground.]
Princess Bubblegum: Aah! Ach! Brownstadt!
[Several other monsters emerge from the soil.]
Princess Bubblegum: Guys, run!
[The others scream, and they all run into the vehicle. James is running slowly.]
Princess Bubblegum: James, speed up that sack lunch!
James: [accelerates] Vrrt! Vrrt! Vrrt! Vrrt! Vrrt! Vrrt! Vrrt! Vrrt! Vrrt! Vrrt!
[The monsters approach the vehicle while groaning.]
Princess Bubblegum: Ugh! [starts up the engine]
[The vehicle tries to take off, but the monsters knock it off balance, tipping it over. Finn, Jake, Princess Bubblegum, and James are thrown to one side of the vehicle. The monsters break the legs off the vehicle.]
Finn: Ugh! Everyone okay?
Jake: [pointing behind Finn] [stammering fearfully]
Finn: Huh? [turns around, seeing lots of monsters climbing on the vehicle's windshield.] Oh, my garf! What are they?!
Princess Bubblegum: Uh, they're toxic creatures from another time. [checking monitor] Okay, let's see—suspension's all donked, navigation's lost, and the ship's legs are kaput. We're dead in the water.
Finn & Jake: [gasp]
James: [makes whirring sound] Chk! Ah-oogah!
[A monster vomits on the window. The glass sizzles as the acidic substance eats through.]
Princess Bubblegum: Oh, yuck! Come on! Manners! [presses a button, engaging the blast doors] Gotta brain out the situation.
[A digital clock displays 6:45 and counting.]
Princess Bubblegum: Those goo monsters will barf their way through the hull in mere minutes. Finn, what should we do?
Finn: [taken aback] Uh... let's radio for help.
Princess Bubblegum: Good idea, but looks like the radio's kerplowed.
James: [whirs] I can fix that radio. Mrow-row-row! Pling! [pulls out a coin] With this! It's a lucky coin! Bam! [places coin on radio] When I bust out my coin, great stuff happens, like when I was chosen to go on this mission with you guys! [giggles]
Jake: Mnh. Mnh. James, that's not helping!
Finn: Don't panic, baby.
Princess Bubblegum: Yes. James is very resourceful. He'll work it out.
James: [picks up coin] Vrrt! Veet! Vrrt! Vreet! Vrrt! Gzzzh! Jzzt! Bwr! [turns screw with coin] Look, Princess! I invented a coin-operated coin screwdrive-e-er!
Princess Bubblegum: See what I mean? Good job, James. [gives thumbs up] Come on, guys. Let's take inventory of the emergency gear.
James: [opens radio] Lucky coin strikes again!
[Outside, monsters continue taking apart the ship.]
Finn: Hey, Preebos, I know things seem bad, but I'll figure out a plan.
Princess Bubblegum: I know, Finn.
Jake: Dude, I found us some flares! I saved us!
Princess Bubblegum: Right on!
James: Hey, dudes, the radio is fixed!
Jake: Good Grod! I love you, James!
Princess Bubblegum: I knew you could do it, James!
Jake: You know, James, I wasn't sure about you at first, but you're okay.
James: Thanks, Jake. I wasn't sure about you either. [clicks tongue]
Princess Bubblegum: James, the radio's still not working! I'm not getting any signal.
Finn: [opens radio] What the skunk?!
[Electricity crackles from the cut wires.]
Finn: James, it's all sanched up!
James: James is like, "Wha?!" It was working just a second ago, I swears! I went, like, "Choo-choo-choo!" and the radio was like, "Pch-choo-whichoo-whichoo-whichoo-whichoo," and then I was like...
Jake: [to Finn] I take it back. [shape-shifts to look like a bird] This guy's totally cuckoo! This is my cuckoo face.
Princess Bubblegum: He did his best, you guys.
Finn: Right, right. Okay, time for plan B. James, pass me them flares.
James: Chk-oo! Boop! A flare for m'liege.
Finn: [opens flare box and sees that it is empty] James, where are the flares?!
James: What?! May—maybe they're, uh, invisible flares.
Jake: [growls in frustration] Finn, PB, can I speak to you in the other room, please?!
Finn: You want to do this trust-huddle style, buddy?
Jake: [nods] Hm.
[The three form a huddle.]
Princess Bubblegum: So what's all the hubbub?
Jake: What's up with that James dude?
Finn: Yeah. Do you think James could be breaking things on purpose?
Princess Bubblegum: No. James wouldn't do that.
Jake: Wake up. Dude's a saboteur.
Princess Bubblegum: It's not James.
James: What's not James? [beat] I got lonely up front. I wanted to see what y'all are up to.
Finn: Hey, that gives me an idea.
James: Me, too! Vrrt! [laughs] Just kidding! I don't have any ideas.
[Princess Bubblegum and James run to control panel]
James: Diversion. [pushes buttons] D-d-d-d-d-d-diversion! Time to set up a diversion.
[The button mashing extends a solar panel, flashes a light, and extends a robotic arm from the front of the ship. The monsters all move to that end. Finn and Jake look through the back window.]
Jake: You see anything, brudda?
Finn: [looking through binoculars] Ah, I got bunkus. Wait. If we jam up to that cliff face, I think we can climb—whoop. [sees monsters] More goo bros.
[A flare explodes behind the monsters.]
Finn: What the—?!
[The monsters run from the flare toward the vehicle and start breaking the glass. Finn and Jake run back to the control room. Jake grabs a large object from the wall and throws it toward the monsters.]
Princess Bubblegum: That won't hold them for long.
Jake: It can't end like this. I got a lady and five kids! I thought I'd outlive at least one of them!
James: Here, man. Take this. [offers coin]
Jake: Your lucky coin?
James: Yeah, man. It always keeps me calm.
Finn: [accusingly] Who shot that flare, James?
Princess Bubblegum: We don't have time to point fingers.
Finn: [growls] You're right. There's only one way out of this jam. One of us has to eat the big one so the others can survive.
[Princess Bubblegum nods.]
Finn: And I'm gonna be that one. I'll run up there and get the creatures to chase me, and while they're busy noshing on my teen-boy body, you three can climb to safety. Don't try to talk me out of it. I got crystal certainty. This is what it means to be a he—
[Princess Bubblegum hits his head with a wrench, knocking him out.]
Jake: Wha—?
Princess Bubblegum: [knocks out Jake too] James. We need to talk.
[From Finn's POV: Finn opens his eyes, just barely, and hears Princess Bubblegum talking to James.]
Princess Bubblegum: So, what do you say?
James: Sure thing, Princess! [breaks off a corner of his head, hands it to Princess Bubblegum, salutes, and jumps down the hatch] Byong!
[Finn closes his eyes, falling into unconsciousness. He reopens them outside. Princess Bubblegum is carrying him and Jake.]
Finn: Ugh! Huh? Why did—Jake?
Princess Bubblegum: [grunts]
Finn: Wh—where's James? [looks back at the ship]
[James is running from the group of monsters, but they overtake him and jump on him.]
Finn: James! [falls unconscious again]
[Princess Bubblegum climbs out of the pit and looks back at the ship. The screen fades out. She is now in a grassy place, bandaging Finn's head.]
Finn: [wakes up] Aah! James, look out! Ohh. PB! What's going on?
Princess Bubblegum: Finn, I need to explain something really heavy. I was the one who sabotaged all your escape plans. I calculated the chance of success for every possible escape plan, and none of them were going to work. You said it yourself: there was only one way out. Someone was going to have to eat the big one to save the others. James did something really noble to save us.
Finn: But I wanted to do it. Why didn't you let me?
Princess Bubblegum: There's a reason. With this sample of James, I can clone a new one. He's candy, but you're not. I can't clone another you.
Finn: Whoa.
Princess Bubblegum: I made the best choice available.
[Flashback ends.]
Princess Bubblegum: James served the Candy Kingdom on a dangerous mission, and even though he is gone and it's super sad, I would like to honor James... with this new James I whipped up in the lab!
[Banana guards unveil the new James.]
James' Clone: Jeet!
Princess Bubblegum: Here you go, James—[pins on him a Medal of Valor] an award for bravery. Let's hear it for James! [claps]
Candy People: [cheering]
Finn: Is this right or wrong? I can't tell.
James' Clone: Hey, cool. Did I do something cool? Do I do something cool?
Jake: I don't know, man. [walks up to James' clone] Here's your coin, James.
James' Clone: Wow! This day keeps getting better and better!
Jake: Ehh.
[The scene cuts to the edge of the pit. A zombified James climbs out, followed by a large group of monsters.]

Episode ends