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Joshua and Margaret Investigations/Transcript

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This article is a transcript of the Adventure Time episode "Joshua and Margaret Investigations" from season 6, which aired on August 14, 2014.

This transcript is complete.


Transcript

[The episode opens at the Tree Fort]
Finn & BMO: Birthday, birthday, birthday, birthday, birthday, birthday, birthday [chant a bit faster], birthday, birthday, birthday, birthday, birthday, birthday, [Jake goes over to the cake and eats it whole] birthday, birthday, birthday, birthday, birthday, birthday, birthday! Yeah! Yay!
Finn: Nice job, Mr. Birthday Boy.
Jake: [with his mouth full] Thanks.
Finn: Man, you are like another year older, but you look good. Like, super good.
Jake: Yup. Mom and dad passed down some pretty good genes.
Finn: Oh yeah, mom and dad. Hey, did mom and dad tell you any stories about when you were born?
BMO: Yay! Birthday story time, please.
Jake: [chuckles] Well, [camera goes down to his stomach, Jake rubs his stomach as if he were pregnant] it was a day like any other day...[flashbacks to Margaret, who is rubbing her stomach, the puppies in it move]
Margaret: There, there, baby. You're going to be a fighter. [holds up a crossbow] Just like your mother. [shoots a bow at the door, sees that she got the right target] Yes! [gets on the floor] Barrel roll. [shoots and arrow at the ceiling] Ugh! [gets up, shoots an arrow to the right]
Joshua: [comes out of the kitchen with two plates with steak on them] Steak break.
Margaret: Let's get started. [sets her crossbow down, Joshua sets the plates on the table]
Joshua: These steaks are tough and stringy. Like you.
Margaret: Oh, good one, dear. [Joshua starts cutting her steak] Hey, after dinner, what do you say we check the ticker-type for new cases?
Joshua: Margaret, you're in a family way now. You should take a backseat from investigations.
Margaret: Oh, come on, Joshua. Even with this ankle-biter, I'm as quick as ever. Sure, my waist is bigger, but that just means more bullets in my ammo belt.
Joshua: You're missing the point, sugar. What if something bad happens? Let's say we're out on the beat, fighting some lowlife. He takes a punch, you zig when you should've zagged, and oops! Junior takes a knock to the noodle, comes out with the shiner the size of a grapefruit. I can't take that kind of guilt and neither can you.
Margaret: I can take care of myself just fine. And besides, these babies [taps her fork on her stomach] don't come cheap. We need to work together as a team to bring in the bread. [puts her fork in Joshua's mouth]
Joshua: [chews the steak from Margaret's fork] Yeah, you got me there.
Margaret: Now let's get over to that ticker-type and look for some perps.
Joshua: You relax, dear, I got it. [does a flip over the table, walks to the ticker-type and looks at it] Hmm. Let's get a look here. "Vampire girl spotted in the Grass Lands harassing sheep and cattle." Nope, nope, nope. "Small fire goblin burns down Candy Kingdom forest."
Margaret: Hey, that sounds fun. Let's do that.
Joshua: Wait, wait, here's one. " Woman's pies go missing in Bucolic Countryside where nothing ever happens." The perfect case for my pregnant wife!
Margaret: What?
Joshua: Now let's get an egg in our shoe and beat it. [shows them driving to Tree Trunks' house, they park their car and go to the door, Margaret knocks on it]
Tree Trunks: [opens the door] Yes? Hello?
Joshua: [fixes his tie] Afternoon, Mrs. Tree Trunks. We're Joshua and Margaret of Joshua and Margaret Investigations. And this is [pats Margaret's stomach] our boy. We're responding to a wire about missing pies.
Tree Trunks: Oh, yes. A-a-a monster's been stealing my pies off of the windowsill.
Joshua: A monster, eh?
Tree Trunks: Oh, yes, you can see the monster [Joshua and Margaret turn to the tracks] tracks leading off into the forest.
Joshua: Well, those tracks are as phony as a three dollar bill.
Tree Trunks: The monster tracks are very real. [shows Wyatt climbing into the window with snow shoes on his feet and holding a pie pan] My husband told me so. [Wyatt grunts, and falls in the window onto the floor] Wyatt!
Wyatt: Aw, aw geez. You got me.
Joshua: [him and Margaret step inside] What's the big idea, Wyatt? Why'd you burgle your wife's pie?
Wyatt: Because it's amazing! Oh, I can't get enough of it.
Tree Trunks: You could just ask for seconds.
Wyatt: But I want thirds and fourths! I want to stop when I want to stop!
Tree Trunks: Oh, Wyatt.
Wyatt: [crying] Oh, it's the only good part of my day.
Joshua: Well, there you have it. The only monster here was this man's appetite for his wife's pie.
Tree Trunks: Oh, no. But the monster is real. He snuck up and rubbed my elbow while I was gardening. And Leftenant Candy Corn said it came in through the window and touched him on the chest. Oh! Oh, now I got myself all scared. W-won't you check around to make sure no one is out there?
Joshua: Of course. Probably nothing more than a peeper. [they step out of the house] Ha! These country yokels are all just superstitious. I bet you that old elephant sees a monster a day.
Margaret: Joshua, look! [puts her paw in the track] Something way larger than Wyatt made them. These tracks look real.
Joshua: Hot cram! A peeping monster! Oh, this town would surely put up a collection to nab this guy. Oh, too bad you're preggo. We got to pass. [turns around and starts walking away]
Margaret: Come on, Joshua! [follows the tracks]
Joshua: What? [follows Margaret]
Margaret: Ha ha!
Joshua: Margaret! Margaret! Wait for Pappy! [a blue owl turns its head around, showing it has four eyes, the owl hoots]
Margaret: Hmm. The tracks end here.
Joshua: [a bush rustles, a blue cat comes out of it, Joshua growls and shakes his fists at it, the cat circles Margaret and looks at her stomach and pokes it] Hey, hey! Beat it, uggos! [stomps, the cat yowls and hisses, another bush rustles, the creature peeks out then disappears] The peeper! [follows it, goes through a hole in the middle of two trees]
Margaret: I'll show that peepsie the pepper! [tries going through the hole, but can't, tries getting out of it] Joshua, dear, I'm stuck! [the creature growls and comes out from behind a bush behind Margaret] Joshua! The beast outflanked us! [the monster screeches]
Joshua: Gads! [the monster screeches, Joshua goes and punches it] Boom! [the monster picks him up] Do your worst, you masher.
Margaret: Joshua! [grunts, gets herself out of the hole, the monster sniffs Joshua, opens its mouth and puts Joshua's head in its mouth, Margaret gasps and takes a needle out of her hat, goes and stabs it in the monster's butt] Drop that daddy! [the monster screeches, gets on all four legs and runs behind a bush, leaving green slime behind it] Baby cakes! Oh, this is all my fault!
Joshua: Uh, yeah, pretty much.
[scene changes back to their home, Joshua has a bandage wrapped around his head and eating a sandwich, Margaret is pacing back and forth, looking worried]
Joshua: Ah, good last meal. Okay, well, I got bit by a monster, a creature of the night. We both know what comes next for me. [picks up a sword and sets it on the table] Just make it snappy, darling.
Margaret: [tearing up] Don't. [sniffles] Don't be melodramatic, Joshua. [holding the Book of Poisons] I've been doing some research. Listen here. I think if we can get a sample of that creature's venom, we can use it to synthesize an antidote. [a thud noise is heard] Joshua?! [drops the book, goes to Joshua] Oh! Puddin' Pie!
Joshua: [groans] I'm fine. Just got to pop out and fetch that venom.
Margaret: You're about as fine as a canary in a cat mine! [goes and takes Joshua to a pull-out bed, lays him on it, goes to a candle on the wall and pulls it down, opening a hidden door to the weapon room, she goes in and grabs a crossbow and arrows, puts her belt on that reads "Top Dawg," goes and puts her hat on a mannequin head and grabs her other hat, the puppies in her womb move] Oof! Hey, where's the fire, kiddo? You stay put. [goes back to Joshua, who is asleep and mumbling, Margaret holds up a walkie-talkie] So's I can keep tabs on you. [sets the walkie-talkie next to Joshua's ear] Feel better. Over. [kisses Joshua's cheek and leaves]
[scene changes to Margaret parking next to the forest, she parks the car, gets out and turns a flashlight on and looks around]
Margaret: [walking through the forest]
Joshua: [through the walkie-talkie] Come in, Margaret. Do you read me? Over.
Margaret: [turns around, goes by a trail of green slime] I got the peep peep's trail. In pursuit. [shines her flashlight at trees]
Joshua: You have to say "over" or I think you're still talking. Over.
Margaret: [shining her flashlight at an old building that reads "Pantheon of Savings" ] Joshua, I've stumbled upon the beast's lair. [shows Joshua's walkie-talkie on the floor] Just hang on, Honey Bunny. Over. [Joshua steps on the walkie-talkie, breaking it, growling from the pain he feels in his head, lays on the table and breaks it, a blue bump starts to grow on his head, the bump throbs, Joshua howls like a wolf, scene goes back to Margaret looking around in the building, a shadowy figure passes her, she turns and shines the flashlight at the creature, Margaret gaps, the monster makes a noise] Stay right there. [shoots an arrow at the creature, the creature shapeshifts so he steps back before the arrow can hit him] What?! [shoots two arrows at the creature, the creature jumps next to Margaret, the two arrows hit a rock, the creature shapeshifts into a cat and meows, then into an owl and hoots, then into a monster with more eyes and it punches Margaret backwards, making her fall on her back, the puppies in her stomach move] Ooh! Not yet! [tries reaching for her crossbow, but can't, the creature shapeshifts into a bigger creature and stretches its head towards Margaret, Margaret keeps trying to reach for her crossbow] Come on, come on! [grabs the crossbow's handle and shoots an arrow above the monster's head, hitting a box of baby items, sending them rumbling and crashing onto the monster. Defeated, the monster groans and shapeshifts into a baby with three eyes and coos] What? What's your angle, slick? You poison my hubby, then play the innocent? [shines her flashlight at the baby items around the room] And what's with all this baby paraphernalia? Wait a tick. Are you a baby?
Monster: [shifts its eyes left and right] Uh-huh.
Margaret: Oh, no! I must've scared the dickens out of you! [the monster sits on the floor and coos] There, there, baby. I'm so sorry...[they both tear up] For this! [punches the monster's face and puts a test tube under its mouth, making its venom go into the tube. Margaret gets up and starts stepping out of the building] I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. [the monster's eye stretches and looks out the door, the monster shapeshifts into its normal shape and chuckles in an evil "You haven't seen the last of me" tone, then shapeshifts into another shape and shoots lasers from its face diodes at the air, opening a portal. The monster shapeshifts into a circle and stretches into the portal, and the portal closes, the scene changes back to their home, Margaret goes inside (which is more of a mess than before)] Joshua, I got the venom! [the puppies move] Ohhh! Uh oh, this baby business is getting SERIOUS! [breathes carefully and walks into the kitchen, looks out the window, showing Joshua standing by the wall] Joshua! [the puppies move more] Ohhh! Ohhh! [breathes carefully, goes out the window and steps off the dumpster, goes by Joshua]
Joshua: Margaret, stay away. [turns around and points at the bump on his head] Something's about to happen!
Margaret: [the puppies move a lot] Something's about to happen with me too! [they both yelp]
Joshua: Margaret! [his throbbing bump stretches and makes a splat noise. Margaret drops the test tube (not that she'll be needing the venom now).] Shine the light, dear. [Margaret turns the flashlight on and aims it at his head with a recently burst mutant bump.] Yowzers! [Margaret shines the light at the ground, showing a puppy Jake, spawned out of Joshua's venom bump and freshly drenched in a pond of biofluid.]
Puppy Jake: [gets up and sings] Hello, daddy. [turns to Margaret] Hello, mommy. [does a little dance] It's so nice to be here with you now. [falls and goes to sleep and snores, shows Margaret and Joshua looking shocked (if that isn't messed up, what is?), Margaret drops the flashlight and the second puppy moves a lot - and that is how Jake's little brother Jermaine came to the world...]
[screen goes black, scene changes to Joshua and Margaret walking in a forest, Joshua is pushing a stroller with Jake and Jermaine in it]
Joshua: Boy, Jake left a scar on my head the size of a nickel. I'll have to wear a hat now, Margaret.
Margaret: [takes a fedora out and puts it on Joshua] Well, I think you'll look good in one. [shows the puppies in the stroller, sleeping] Are you sure having him next to Jermaine is safe? We don't even know what he is. [Puppy Jake smacks his lips]
Joshua: Of course we do, dear. He's our boy.
Margaret: That he is.
Joshua: Yes, we've got one boy that I gave birth to and one boy that you gave birth to. Let's never tell him how it happened.
Margaret: Agreed.
[scene changes back to Finn, Jake, and BMO in the present]
Jake: And so they never told me.
Finn: Never told you what?
Jake: I don't know. They never told me. Ha!

Episode ends

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