This article is a transcript of the Adventure Time episode "Love Games" from season 5, which aired on September 23, 2013.

This transcript is complete.


[The episode begins in the Tree Fort, where Finn, Jake, and BMO are recording something next to a shower curtain.]
Jake: If I hear another peep, there's gonna be trouble! Final warning. Okay, go ahead, BMO.
[BMO hits a button, causing some music to play.]
Jake: Okay, welcome back to the program. We're talkin' with our special guest, Finn the Human.
Finn: Hello.
[BMO hits a button, making an applause sound effect.]
Jake: Now, Finn, before the break, you were sayin' somethin' interesting—that you're gettin' outta the romance biz. So, what happened?
Finn: Well, I don't want to bore your listeners...
[BMO plays applause sound effect.]
Finn: But let's just say the time has come to stop dating princesses... and return to savin' 'em.
Jake: And you're not just sayin' that to, uh—[someone knocks on the door several times] [Jake talks over it] make yourself seem more attractive?
Finn: Yeah, of course. No games goin' on here.
[Knocking continues.]
Jake: Hold on, hold on. [takes off headphones] What's that noise?
BMO: I think someone's knocking at the door.
Jake: Can you see who it is?
BMO: Yes, Jake.
Jake: So, it's goin' pretty good, huh?
Finn: Yeah, but maybe we should stop talking about this "love" junk and get back to adventuring.
Slime Princess: Finn! Jake! I need your help; it's an emergency! [cries]
Finn: Now we're talkin'! Don't cry, Slime Princess. We're at your service.
Slime Princess: I need Finn to marry me.
[Finn's mouth opens as BMO plays a bleating sound effect.]
Finn: I'm sorry, SP, but I've given up the dating scene.
Slime Princess: You don't understand. If I don't get a husband, I'll lose my kingdom.
Ice King: [pulls back shower curtain] I'll do it!
Jake: What did I tell you?!
[Ice King puts the shower curtain back, and BMO plays a laugh track.]
Slime Princess: Please let me explain.
[Flashback begins.]
Slime Princess: Recently, my much hotter younger sister, Blargetha, married a Slime rogue named Guillermo. As a result, Elder Plops decreed that if I was not married by tomorrow, rule of the Slime Kingdom would pass to my sister...
[Flashback ends.]
Slime Princess: ...which I'd be, like, totally fine with...
[Flashback resumes.]
Slime Princess: Except, I recently discovered they are both evil. Evil to the core! They plan to militarize the kingdom and begin a campaign of aggressive conquest, [Tanks roll over the Hot Dog Kingdom.] sacking our neighboring kingdoms, [Slime People fill a sack with treasure.] stealing their resources, [Blargetha stands atop a Gumball Guardian] and eventually taking over the entire world! [The Gumball Guardians spray slime all over the Candy Kingdom.]
[Flashback ends.]
Jake: Ew.
Slime Princess: Finn, this will happen unless someone marries me.
Finn: No.
Ice King: [pulling back curtain slightly] Psst! [points to himself]
Jake: Hmm!
[Ice King replaces the curtain.]
Slime Princess: Please, Finn. I know I've crushed on you in the past, but I have no intention of locking this down. Our marriage will be in name only.
Finn: Hmmm...
[They leave the Tree Fort.]
Jake: [running after them] Wait, I'm coming, too! I'm gonna eat popcorn and make hilarious jokes. [empties the last kernel from his bag into his hand] Aw, who ate all my popcorn?
[Scene cuts back to the Tree Fort.]
Ice King: [eating popcorn] You call this a room? There's not even a window. Oh, wait. Are we rolling?
[Scene cuts back to Finn and Jake, who are walking through the Bad Lands. Jake has shrunken himself and is sitting on Finn's shoulder.]
Jake: [munching popcorn] How much farther? This popcorn's not gonna last all day. [shrinks] Alright, now it might.
Slime Princess: We're here. [They have arrived at a bubbling cesspool of slime.] Welcome to my little oasis in the wasteland.
Jake: Oasis? More like, "No way, sis!" [laughs]
[Slime Princess and Finn walk into the slime, and they begin to sink.]
Finn: Huh?
Jake: [gasps] [climbs into Finn's mouth]
[They drop down into the Slime Kingdom, covered in a coat of slime.]
Finn: Whoa! This is amazing! You okay, buddy?
Jake: You could say I got out of there [Finn lifts him out of his mouth with his tongue] in the "lick" of time. Zing!
Slime Princess: Quickly. We're already late. [leads them to a colorful building with dance music playing inside] This is the most important place in the kingdom.
Finn: The royal palace?
Slime Princess: No, it's where me and all my main splurts hang out. Hi, girls!
Slime People: Hi!
[Tree Trunks and Mr. Pig are dancing nearby.]
Finn: Tree Trunks and Mr. Pig, what are you doing here?
Tree Trunks: Oh, we always come here when we want to shake it, Finn. It's the only triple cray-rated disco in all of Ooo.
[Finn, Jake, and Slime Princess enter another building. Finn dries his hair after removing the slime.]
Slime Princess: Get your face pretty, Finn. My people are already assembled in the courtyard. [walks onto balcony above a crowd of Slime People] [clears throat] Greetings, loyal slimejects!
Slime People: [cheer]
Slime Princess: I would like to introduce my new husband, [Finn enters] Finn the Human!
Slime People: [cheer]
Slime Princess: [to Finn] What did I tell you? Piece of cake.
Blargetha: Attention, my loyal slimejects!
[On a balcony on the opposite side of the room, Blargetha appears.]
Slime Princess: [gasps] It's Blargetha. [A mustached Slime Person in a hat pops up beside her.] And that's the mysterious Guillermo. He hails from a faraway, much more somber Slime Kingdom where people have strange customs and no love in their eyes. Their discos aren't even rated one cray.
Blargetha: My husband would like to say something. And, uh, he would, too, if not for his extremely sore throat. So I will say it for him. We challenge you to the Trials of Glarb.
Slime People: [gasp]
Slime Princess: I object! Ancient traditions such as the Trials of Glarb are no longer relevant in our modern self-indulgent society.
Elder Plops: [entering on a third balcony] Order, order! I demand order. I, Elder Plops, being the coolest guy in the room, will settle this dispute. The matter will be settled on the battleground...
Finn: Alright!
Elder Plops: ...the battleground of love.
Finn: Aw.
Elder Plops: The couple that I deem most truly in love shall rule the Slime Kingdom for life. [taps scepter] Plops out. [exits balcony]
Finn: [sighs]
Jake: This is, like, the opposite of what you wanted.
[Scene cuts to the four contestants and Elder Plops standing on a dock with two swan boats in a lagoon.]
Elder Plops: Welcome to the Trials of Glarb, hosted by me, Elder Plops. The first trial will be Crooning. You guys are gonna get into these sweet boats I made and croon for each other on the lake. The most loving and heartfelt song, judged by me, Elder Plops, will win.
[Finn and Slime Princess climb into a boat.]
Elder Plops: I really want to hear some emotional song work here. The people want to hear emotional stuff. So let's see some stuff, alright? [claps thrice]
[The contestants row their boats out into the lake.]
Slime Princess: Okay, Finn, you can do it.
Finn: I don't know. I'm still jacked up over my lady biz.
Slime Princess: Well, just lose yourself in your own mind and go numb. Then let it all out.
Finn: Eh. [exhales deeply] Okay. Just let it all out. [sings "I Just Can't Get Over You"] Why can't I get over you?
Elder Plops: Finn, way to go. I could tell the people were really impressed. Guillermo, you're up.
Blargetha: Hmm? Okay, Guillermo. I'll ask, I'll ask. Uh, Guillermo still has a sore throat! Uh, may I sing on, uh, his behalf?
Elder Plops: Elder Plops thinks that's okay.
Blargetha: [clears throat] [sings tunelessly] ♪I want to touch your hand with my hand. I want to rub your cheek with my cheek. Maybe later we can get "Do not disturb."♪ I'm done!
Elder Plops: As Elder Plops, I have heard many songs in my life, and I can only say this... Finn, you win this one.
Slime People: Hooray!
Blargetha: [growls]
Finn: Whoo!
Slime Princess: Yes!
[Scene cuts to a room with some objects hidden under sheets.]
Elder Plops: Welcome, everyone, to our second trial... [The sheets are removed, revealing mattresses.] Spooning. When I say go, the big spoon will put his arm around the little spoon and cuddle. I will be watching you spoon, measuring and assessing your love by posture and overall vibe. The best cuddle, or spoon, wins.
Finn: Wait, what?!
Jake: [laughs]
Elder Plops: Spooners, get in your futons.
[The contestants climb onto the mattresses.]
Finn: Uh, I don't feel good about this.
Elder Plops: Ready, set...
[Blargetha grabs Guillermo's hand.]
Elder Plops: Spoon!
[Blargetha squishes herself against Guillermo.]
Finn: [gasps] No, wait. I don't wanna do this.
Slime Princess: Wrap those gorgeous pythons around me!
[Slime Princess chases Finn around on the mattress.]
Finn: No! This feels weird!
Slime Princess: Come on, Finn, they're crushing us!
Blargetha: [moving around on the mattress with Guillermo] Huh! Huh! Huh!
Elder Plops: Blargetha and Guillermo, very nice.
[He looks over to Finn and Slime Princess, who is chasing him around on the mattress.]
Finn: Nooooooooooooooooo!
Elder Plops: Yeesh. Alright, everyone, stop. I've seen enough. Blargetha and Guillermo's love was way-off-the-charts good. They win.
Blargetha: Yes! I love you, baby. You spoon so good!
Finn: [pants]
Slime Princess: No!
Elder Plops: The score is tied. There's one more trial after Spooning and Crooning: Smooching. I'm sorry it doesn't rhyme with Crooning and Spooning. We will begin our next trial on the morrow!
[Scene cuts to Finn, Jake, and Slime Princess in her room.]
Slime Princess: [sighs] This is not going well.
Finn: I'm sorry, Slime Princess. I'm just gonna mess this next trial up.
Slime Princess: Is it because you haven't done much kissing? You don't have to be embarrassed by your innocence.
Finn: Pretending to be in love is making me sad. It makes me think about Flame Princess.
Slime Princess: What If I pretend to be your ex?
Finn: That's worse, I think.
Slime Princess: Well, it looks like I'm losing my kingdom to the forces of evil.
Finn: [sighs] No, Slime Princess. Let's practice this smooch. [picks up Slime Princess]
Slime Princess: [puckering] Mmmm.
Finn: [groans and gags] [vomits] I'm sorry. I—I can't! [sets Slime Princess down] [groans] Bunk this.
Slime Princess: Wait! Where are you going?
Finn: I'm going to punch Guillermo in his stupid face until he agrees to leave the kingdom.
Slime Princess: I want to come!
[Finn slides to Blargetha's room and knocks on the door.]
Finn: Hey, Guillermo! Can you come out here for a... quick meeting?
Jake: More like a quick beating! Hey-oh!
Blargetha: He says "Eat a fat dollop and buzz off!"
[Finn kicks open the door. They see Blargetha walking into another room with Guillermo. Finn runs after them.]
Slime Princess: Blargetha!
Finn: [jumps into room] Hyup! [looks around] Hmm. [gasps]
[The room is filled with dozens of slime tanks.]
Blargetha: Finn, you shouldn't break in to a woman's room.
[A tank fires a blob of slime at Finn but misses.]
Finn: Hyah! Everyone okay?
Jake: Yes. "Tank" you.
[Another tank fires a blob. Finn dodges it, climbs on top of the tank, and kicks off the hatch.]
Finn: Huah! [climbs in, finding Blargetha and Guillermo]
Blargetha: Huh?
Finn: Guillermo! [punches him, apparently killing him] Hyuh! [gasps] Are you dead, man? Aw, jeez, bro. [picks up one of his "eyes"] Huh? These are olives.
Blargetha: Uh-oh.
Slime Princess: Blargetha, why would you make a fake husband? You're so hot.
Blargetha: You don't know how hard it is to be this hot. Women don't want to talk to you, because they're intimidated, and guys don't want to talk to you, because they're too scared. You're alone in the hottest, most sexiest prison. So I stuck some olives in a glob of gelatin and called it my lover.
Finn: Well, I'm sorry, Blargetha, but you're going to have to spend more time in your metaphorical prison in a real prison 'cause what you're doing is illegal.
Slime Princess: Uh, no, it just disqualifies her from challenging me.
Finn: Whoops.
[Scene cuts to the balcony above a crowd of Slime People.]
Slime People: [cheer]
Elder Plops: By the authority of Elder Plops, [lifts Slime Princess' crown] I officially declare... [puts crown back] you are still the Slime princess.
Slime People: [chanting] Kiss! Kiss! Kiss! Kiss!
Slime Princess: Finn, what do you think?
Finn: I don't want to disappoint all these people.
[They prepare to kiss, but Slime Princess gags and vomits.]
Slime Princess: I'm sorry! I can't do it! [continues vomiting]
[Elder Plops taps his scepter.]

Episode ends