This article is a transcript of the Adventure Time episode "Morituri Te Salutamus" from season 3, which aired on July 18, 2011.

This transcript is complete.


[The scene opens to a craggy wasteland. Finn and Jake are bouncing away from a Burger Monster. Jake hits the side of a rugged rock, and Finn goes flying off. He lands. Both Finn and Jake are carrying something in their shirt or folds.]
Finn: Jake, why didn't you stick to the plan?
Jake: Psshh. Hey, you wanna bump baby lumps?
Finn: Sick. No. Just try to follow the plans, okay?
Jake: Yeah.
[Finn and Jake drop what they are carrying, which turns out to be small balls of spikes.]
Finn: Come on out, cuties. It's safe now.
[The creatures look up. They are young hedgehogs.]
Jake: Now get out of here. [The creatures scamper.]
[Suddenly, a noise that sounds like a battle catches Finn's ear.]
Finn: Hey, you hear something? Up there. [He and Jake scale the rocks to the top. From there, they can see an arena of unknown sorts.] It's a fat, fat warrior beat. It's all... [makes sound of swords clashing] [robotic voice] It calls me forth. [makes sound of swords clashing]
Jake: Eh, it's probably just puberty calling.
[Finn and Jake walk to the entrance. They pause as a glowing green aura flashes in front of the doorway. Finn and Jake look up to see a mummy-like creature on a high throne.]
Fight King: Fighters! Fighters! [He rings a stone bell with his large golden sword.] Seek you glory from the Fight King?
Finn: Mmmm... Maybe.
Fight King: Then step forth beyond the Moonlight seal to bathe in blood and glory forever.
Finn: Nah. This is a trap.
Jake: Ka-psshh. [Finn and Jake turn and leave.] We snuffed out that trap like champs! Trying to get us up in that cursed arena.
Finn: Then I'd bet the exits would all magically seal behind us.
Jake: We'd probably have to fight Gladiator Ghosts.
Finn: Yeah. That sounds... so dumb...[chuckles] and FLIPPING AWESOME!
[Finn and Jake run back to the arena. They pass through the green aura.]
Jake: We're back!
Fight King:  Fools! All exits are sealed! [The doorway seals up behind them. There is now only a solid wall.] Now you must fight my Gladiator Ghosts!
Finn: Yeah. Okay.
[Our heroes watch as a pair of ghostly gladiators emerge from the ground. They let out an unearthly moan and land in front of Finn and Jake. Hyperion swings his mace down at Finn, who dodges it.]
Finn:  [chuckles] I'mma beat you with your own thing. Give it up! [Finn slaps Hyperion's hand] Hah-hah! [Hyperion punches Finn in the face.] Ooomph!
Primo: Hyperion, I'm sorry!
[Jake dodges Primo's swing, but Primo grabs him as he stretches.]
Primo: Hyperion, my love!
[Jake wraps his legs around Primo's neck, and squeezes until the ghost vanishes. Finn, meanwhile, is avoiding Hyperion's mace.]
Hyperion: I'll kill you for breaking your promise!
[Finn grabs a sword lying on the ground, and decapitates Hyperion, who then vanishes.]
Finn: Yeah. Ah-ha-ha-ha.
Fight King:  Good... Take these branches of palm.
[The Fight King's throne moves forward. Then he tosses two palm branches to Finn and Jake.]
Finn: Yeah.
Jake: That prize kinda stinks. Let's go, Finn. My thighs hurt.  [Jake looks down at his currently detailed legs and begins rubbing his thighs.]
Finn: Aw, man. Okay, it was fun. I'm keeping the branch. [Finn and Jake make to leave.]
Fight King: Where do you think you're going? [The Fight King swirls his huge sword around in circular twists. Two pairs of hands emerge from the ground and drag Finn and Jake down into the ground.] You must earn thy freedom by defeating each of my ghosts! When you are ready, speak the Fight King's name, and I shall raise you for... battle.
[Finn and Jake land in a cavern beneath the arena. It is filled with bones, weapons, shields, and armor. They get up. Jake walks over to Finn.]
Finn: Hmm. Okay, I have a plan. We'll do what the Fight King says, and defeat his ghosts to earn our freedom. [pauses] You're gonna follow my plan, right?
Jake: Mmm-hmm. But, hey, if you replace me with a dummy, I could stay down here and dig for lava. Then I'd forge a molten hula-hoop.
Finn: That's an entirely different plan... than my plan. What's the hula-hoop for?
Jake: Morale, dude, This tomb will be as fun... [singing] ♪ As a tropical island, as a tropical island, as a tropical island, as a tropical island. ♪
[Finn tackles Jake, laughing.]
Jake: Check it out, dude. [Jake fashions a dummy of his head out of the dirt.] Ba-duh-buh-da. It's a dirt dummy Jake. Just like in the plan.
[Jake winks at Finn and gives him the "thumbs up" sign. Then he shrinks down and hides in a skull's eye socket.]
Finn:  [Finn sighs and picks up the dummy.] We're ready... I guess, Fight King.
[A pillar emerges from the ground and brings Finn to the surface.]
Fight King: Gladitoria continues for you, human, and, er... dog?
Finn: Yup. This is dog.
Fight King: Arise, Priscus, Verus!
[The Fight King's sword glows. He swings it around in a circle. Two more ghostly gladiators emerge from the ground. The gladiators charge toward Finn, who grabs a trident and runs straight at them. He attacks Priscus head on. Verus futilely swings his blade around at the dummy of Jake, knocking it over.]
Verus: [sobbing] Forgive me, Priscus! [He picks up the dummy and then vanishes.]
Fight King: Pity. The dog falls.
[Finn successfully disarms Priscus and kicks him back. He comes down. landing crotch first on top of his own tower shield.]
Priscus: Et tu, Verus?
[Finn slashes Priscus down the middle with the trident. causing the specter to vanish.]
Finn: Heh.
Fight King: The combat endeth. Now come closer, champion.
[Cut to Jake in the underground cavern, digging in the dirt. He hears a gong sound twice.]
Jake: Dig-dig-dig-dig-dig-dig-dig. Two gongs? Something crazy's going on up there. [He stretches up to the surface and pulls the dirt dummy under.] It's me, Jake. Been here the whole time. Huh?
Fight King: Come closer, my champion. You have proven worthy of my favor.
Finn: Hah. Word.
[The Fight King touches Finn with his glowing sword. Finn's eyes glow green, and an aura surrounds him. Jake looks on.]
Jake: Oh, this is bad.
Fight King: Accept your prize. [He hands Finn another palm branch. Finn eats it. Afterwards, Finn starts behaving strangely, striking the ground with both fists. Jake walks up to him.]
Jake: Finn?
Fight King: Ah... The dog lives.
Jake: Yeah. I lives. Finn, come with me, man. [Finn suddenly turns around and throws a punch at Jake. Jake stretches back.] Whoa! Dude?
Finn: Sorry, man. But you crossed my kill zone.
Fight King: Fighters, rest now. [The Fight King raises his sword, and once again, Finn and Jake are dragged down into the ground. Finn starts acting like he's fighting again.]
Jake: So, how's your side of the plan going?
Finn: Plan? What plan?
Jake: To escape. I dig and stuff, and you fight to win, 'member?
Finn: Yeah. I fight. To hear bones breaking and meat tearing.
Jake: Ghosts don't got meat.
Finn: I fight... to FIGHT! [Starts making a dummy from dirt]
Jake: [inner thoughts] Hmm... Finn's acting weird. Probably due to a decrease in morale. Gotta get him that lava hula-hoop.
Finn: We're ready for our next fight, Fight King.
[Once again, Finn is raised to the surface by a pillar of dirt. He sets down the dirt dummy and grabs a pair of dual swords. The scene then reverts back to Jake.]
Jake: Gotta liven up this unhallowed ground.... for Finn. [Jake starts singing again. As he does so, he shapes his arms into a round moon shape, and then morphs his hands into a pair of hula dancers.] ♪ On a tropical island, underneath a molten lava moon. Hanging with the hula dancers, asking questions 'cause they got all the answers... ♪
[Back up on top, six more ghostly gladiators appear from the ground. They charge toward Finn. Finn runs wild with rage, slaying one ghost after the other.]
Finn: Habet! Habet! Habet! Heh-heh-heh. [He knocks over Achillea, slays Tetraides and then Amazonia, and blocks Triumphus' attack. Achillea, the gladiator whom Finn has knocked to the ground, burst into tears.]
Achillea: Amazonia, I'm sorry! [She knocks down the dummy with her fist.]
Finn: This next take-down is for you, my king! Rahhh... [gets punched by Triumphus] Heh-heh-heh.
[Triumphus, the gladiator who is carrying the head of his partner Tetraides, begins sobbing.]
Triumphus: I need your forgiveness... [Finn knocks his head off. Triumphus vanishes. The scene cuts back to Jake.]
Jake: ♪ Puttin' on lotion, sittin' by the ocean, rubbin' it on my body, rubbing it on my body... ♪
[As Jake is singing, it's revealed he is making a fish tail around himself, consisting of a mound of dirt and two skeletal hands. The scene reverts back to Finn.]
Rutuba: Non pugnent, Flamma! [He puts all four of is blades against Finn's dual swords, but Finn shatters them.]
Finn: Eludere!
[Green light comes out of the Fight King's eyes and mouth. Finn leaps at Rutuba.]
Rutuba: Cum missione, my friend! [Finn slays Rutuba, who vanishes.]
Finn: Hoc habet! Whaaa! [He flings one of the swords.]
Amazonia: Achillea...
[The sword takes off the heads of Amazonia, Romulus and Remus, who vanish.]
Finn: I have defeated every gladiator.
Fight King: No, for there is one more opponent.
Finn: Who?
Fight King: Your dear companion! [Fight King raises his sword and brings the dummy Jake before Finn.]
Finn: [demented laugh] [Sticks his sword into the dummy]
[The scene reverts back to Jake, who is finishing up his song. He raises to the surface.]
Jake: ♪ Get me out of this caa-a-ve, 'cause it's nothing but a gladiator graa-a-ve. And if I stick to the plaa-a-n, I think I'll turn into a lava maa-a-n. I think I'll turn into a lava man! ♪ [He suddenly notices Finn stomping and chomping on the dummy. He gasps. Finn turns at the sound.]
Fight King: Why do you stop?
Finn: Fight King, this Jake was a farce. Let me face the real Jake!
[Jake gasps again.]
Fight King: Then this is round two, my vassal! Take his head for me!
Finn: Yes, my king. [Finn grabs the blade and starts toward Jake.]
Jake: What about the plan?
Finn: This is the plan, Jake! Raah! [swings the blade]
Jake: You're gonna kill me?
Finn: [Jake starts stretching to avoid Finn's attacks.] That's right! Everything has been building to this! The final battle! Brother against brother! TO THE DEATH!
Jake: No!
Fight King: Yes...
[Jake keeps stretching throughout the arena, trying to avoid Finn's blade. He even wraps Finn up in his coils.]
Fight King: Yes...
Finn: [swings his sword ineffectively at Jake's head.] Fight King!!! I can't do it. [drops blade] I can't kill him, Fight King. I can't kill my best friend.
Jake: Finn?
Finn: Not without a BIGGER SWORD!
Fight King: Yes... FINISH HIM!!!
[The Fight King throws his golden sword toward Finn. Finn catches it.]
Jake: No!
[Just when it looks like he really is about to kill Jake, Finn throws it down. The sword shatters when it hits the ground.]
Fight King: Aaarghh... [The Fight king suddenly shrivels up into a fragile shell of dust as the curse dies. The sky clears up, and the entrance to the arena reappears as well.]
Finn: Wink. [fist pounds Jake]
Jake: What? [lets go of Finn and returns to his original shape.] Dude, did you...? Was that all fake? Did you act all that out? Was that part of your plan?
Finn: Mmm-hmm. [burps]
[Just then, the Gladiator Ghosts appear behind Finn and Jake. Everyone leaves the arena.]
Jake: So you planned to get all cozy with the Fight King and almost kill me from the get-go?
Finn: Pretty much.
Jake: Why didn't you say so?
Finn: Because you always bungle my plans. But, if you had bungled this one... [deep voice] I might have, for real, chopped your head off.
[Finn and Jake both exchange laughs.]
Jake: That's some funky junk, brother.
Finn: Hey, Jake, you notice how all these ghosts are walking in pairs?
[The Gladiator Ghosts all start ascending to the heavens.]
Jake: Oh, yeah. I bet they're like us. Best bros who got trapped in that arena.
Finn: But now they're free!
[Finn and Jake fist bump as the arena comes apart behind them and ascends toward the skies along with the Fight King's ghosts.]
The episode ends.