This article is a transcript of the Adventure Time episode "Princess Monster Wife" from season 4, which aired on May 28, 2012.

This transcript is complete. Only minor edits are needed.


[Scene shows Wildberry Princess standing before a mirror in her castle missing her right arm and gasping in shock.]
Wildberry Princess: My arm!
[Next scene shows Turtle Princess in bed missing half of her face and she too gasps in shock.]
Turtle Princess: My face!
[Muscle Princess is seen, waking up to find her left arm is missing, but takes notice to her right bicep and kisses it. Next, Skeleton Princess is shown also waking up to find that her left leg is gone, but seems unsurprised.]
Skeleton Princess: This happens sometimes...
[Finally, Hot Dog Princess is shown missing the lower half of her body, and is murmuring unhappily. The tree fort is shown in the next scene, as a group of princesses gather outside Finn and Jake's door.]
Finn: Wait... what?!
Lumpy Space Princess: Oh, my gosh! How many times do I have to tell you? Somebody broke into my house and stole my lumps!
[Other princesses start to talk at once.]
Finn: Peebo?
[Princess Bubblegum turns around to reveal half of her face missing]
Princess Bubblegum: [With tongue hanging out of mouth while trying to talk] Hey, someone stole half of my face.
Jake: Eeeeeugh...
Finn: Eh...okay, calm down...
Lumpy Space Princess: How am I supposed to calm down?! A lumping thief is out there getting fresh with my lumps!
Jake: Haha, gross.
[Princesses again erupt into argument.]
Finn: Whoa! Gals... we'll find this crazy freak and return all of your body parts!
Hot Dog Princess: Thank you so much, Finn! [She tries to walk over to Finn on her two front legs] I should give you a kiss!
Finn: It's... it's okay, Hot Dog Princess! We'll be right back.
[At the Ice Kingdom]
Ice King: I said, "I don't know!" I have nothing to do with this!
Jake: Stop lying! We found your fingerprints at the crime scene!
Ice King: [Believing him] What? Really?
Jake: Uuh... no.
[Finn giggles]
Ice King: Oh, well...then...why would you say that?
Finn: Ice King, we know you did it!
Ice King: Finn, I'm as concerned as you are. There's some sicko out there... What if he comes after my princess?
Finn & Jake: Your princess?
Ice King: Yeah... let me introduce you to my new wife. [Ice King removes a cloak from a shadowed figure revealing a grotesque Frankenstein's monster-like mash-up of all the princesses, making Finn and Jake gasp.] Oh, mean I'm the guy stealing all the p— Yeah, okay, I get it now.
[Princess Monster Wife steps out of the shadows making Finn and Jake scream and then faint.]
Princess Monster Wife: What happened to them, husband?
Ice King: Hmmm... mmm aah! They're sleepy. They are our limp sleepy children! Come on wife, let's have a nice family meal.
Princess Monster Wife: Okay.
[Ice King drags Finn and Jake to his dining table and sits them down.]
Ice King: Wife, you sit here. Isn't this nice?
[Princess Monster Wife accidentally drops some food on her arm, feeling embarrassed.]
Ice King: Uh oh... I mean, that's good! [He copies her.] Oops! How fun! You're so fun!
Princess Monster Wife: Hahahahaha!
Ice King: Aww... marriage is fun!
[Next scene shows Ice King and Princess Monster Wife doing the dishes.]
Ice King: See, when you wash and I dry, we get done faster! Then tomorrow night we switch!
[Princess Monster Wife has trouble scrubbing a pan.]
Ice King: Here, let me show you a trick, my darling. See, you let it soak and we'll wash it in the morning.
[Princess Monster Wife giggles.]
Ice King: Enough chores... come along, dear. I want to show you something special...
[The song "Let Me Show You Something Special" begins. Ice King takes his wife to a blanketed sculpture.]
Ice King: Here it is. I hope you like it...
[Ice King removes the blanket, revealing a sculpture of himself and his wife. Princess Monster Wife tries to shove a banana in the sculpture's mouth, but it falls to the ground.]
Princess Monster Wife: Is there something wrong with me? The way I's not normal... is it?
Ice King: Oh... pretty baby wife. You're the most normal thing in my whole life. We're like two normal jelly beans sitting at the bottom of the jar, floating in a sea of olives, waiting for somebody to guess how many jelly beans are in the jar... which I mentioned.
Princess Monster Wife: I don't think I understand...
Ice King: Just look into my eyes and know that everything is okay.
[In the Ice King's living room]
Ice King: Are you feeling normal yet? [Princess Monster Wife shrugs, and then giggles.] Okay. [Ice King's television shows a normal looking humanoid family sitting together.] See that? We're normal, just like the normal people are.
Princess Monster Wife: Oh...
[Princess Monster Wife pets Gunther that was resting on Ice King's lap and he abruptly gets up and hisses violently.]
[Finn and Jake suddenly wake up to Gunther's hissing, then Gunther leaves.]
Jake: Lady don't take my pizza....
Finn: What's h— Oww... [Looks at Princess Monster Wife]
Finn: A mo-mo-mons-mo.....
Jake: Finn? What's— Are you saying Mama? Where'd you— [Looks at Princess Monster Wife]
Princess Monster Wife: Hi there!
Jake: [Stutters] Monster!
[They both pass out again making Princess Monster Wife start to cry.]
Ice King: Oh... don't mind the kids! It's just a phase!
Princess Monster Wife: I need a glass of water.
Ice King: Ooh, I'll go get—
Princess Monster Wife: No, it's okay. I'll get it.
[In the kitchen, Princess Monster Wife stares at her reflection in the water-filled sink.]
Princess Monster Wife: You are not normal! You are a [Strikes water] monster!
Ice King: [Entering kitchen] Hey, hey, hey....
Princess Monster Wife: Monster! A monster!
Ice King: What's going on in here? Nobody's a monster! All I see in this room is a young, kind-hearted, intelligent, hot-looking ice king, and his beautiful princess bride! That's you, sweetie...
Princess Monster Wife: I don't feel beautiful. I feel like a freak!
Ice King: I will prove to you that you are beautiful!
[Scene cuts to Ice King sewing together an outfit for Princess Monster Wife.]
Ice King: To me, my penguins! Gunter, Gunther, Gunder, Goonder, come on! Gunter, Goonthy, Gonter, Ginthy, follow!
[Ice Kings assembles all his penguins into chairs set around a runway.]
Ice King: Don't rearrange the chairs please. You're all gonna clap and cheer or I'm gonna smack your buns. [Princess Monster Wide walks out onto the runway wearing the outfit Ice King created for her as penguins clap.] Whoo! Yeah! ...
[To penguins] Clap louder, you gotta be all like "whoo!"
[Penguins clap louder, and Finn and Jake arrive carrying mirrors.]
Finn: If we look at her with these mirrors, her ugliness will have no effect on us.
Jake: Where is she? Oh! I think she's right over...
[Both Finn and Jake once again pass out upon seeing her. As she blows a kiss to one of the penguins, he vomits causing her to cry and run out.]
Ice King: Hey!
[Ice King is now standing at Princess Monster Wife's door.]
Ice King: Baby, do you want to talk about it?
Princess Monster Wife: You should just find another princess to marry. I'm unlovable!
Ice King: Girl, I love you as much as all of the other princesses in the world combined!
Princess Monster Wife: You don't really mean that...
Ice King: I'll prove it! See, you have Elbow Princess's hips, and Dr. Princess's heart and intestines, Slime Princess's bottom... You have all my favorite parts of my favorite princesses!
[Princess Monster Wife opens the door.]
Princess Monster Wife: [Crying] I'm just a bunch of stolen parts?!
Ice King: Oh, the parts don't matter. It's you that matters.
Princess Monster Wife: But... who am I?
Ice King: You're my wife! And I will always love my wife no matter what!
Princess Monster Wife: You'd love me, even without these other princess's parts?
Ice King: Sure, baby, even without all your fine lady parts. Now give us a hug.
[They hug. Finn and Jake arrive wearing blindfolds.]
Finn: Hey, Ice King!
Jake: Your wife's face can't make us faint anymore!
Ice King: Don't listen to them babe; they're being negative! Run, my happiness! I'll distract them with ice magic!
[Ice King nibbles on Jake's arm.]
Jake: Ouch.
[Finn and Jake tackle Ice King into submission.]
Finn: Do you give up?!
Ice King: Yes! I give up...
Jake: Finally... let's get those princess parts back to the ladies.
Finn: Yeah, mans. Wait... where'd your wife go?
[Princess Monster Wife returns all the stolen parts including Princess Bubblegum's face, Hot Dog Princess's body and Wildberry Princess's arm, but misplaces Turtle Princess's face with Lumpy Space Princess's, as her spirit then returns to the Ice Kingdom.]
Finn: Huh?
Ice King: Let me go! Let me go!
Princess Monster Wife's spirit: Though my parts be scattered, I will always be your wife.
Ice King: She... she... gave away all my stuff!

Episode ends