This article is a transcript of the Adventure Time episode "Rattleballs (episode)" from season 5, which aired on January 27, 2014.

Princess Bubblegum's castle
This transcript is complete, and is checked for errors.


[The episode begins with Finn sitting at a table in a dark room, humming to himself, and patting the table. Princess Bubblegum enters.]
Princess Bubblegum: [yawns] [turns on the light]
Finn: Good morning, Princess!
Princess Bubblegum: [screams] Finn! You scared me!
Finn: I am sorry, Princess!
Princess Bubblegum: What are you doing here, Finn?
Finn: Since I got out of my last relationship, I've been slackin' on the job. So I'm rededicating my life to protecting, serving, and meeting your every need. Jake said I was acting bananas about the whole thing and wanted no part of this.
Princess Bubblegum: It's 5:30 in the morning.
Finn: That's right, Princess. I'm gettin' back on the job hardcore, giving 100% of my being all for you.
Princess Bubblegum: Thank you, that's very nice. [opens fridge]
Finn: No need to thank me, PB. It's my job.
[Princess Bubblegum takes a carton of eggs from the fridge to the stove and sets them down. She reaches for the knob to turn on the stove, but Finn steps in and turns it for her.]
Finn: Heh.
Princess Bubblegum: Thank you. [reaches for an egg]
Finn: [hands her one] How am I doin' my job, Princess? Am I crushin' it?
Princess Bubblegum: Yes, but can you move just a bit...
[Finn moves his arms up and down slightly.]
Princess Bubblegum: No, no, like, out of the way.
Finn: Oh! [moves aside]
Princess Bubblegum: Okay, what else do I need? Aw, dangit, I forgot we're out of milk. Now I have to go get it from—
Finn: [covers her mouth] Buh-buh-buh! I got it! [runs and jumps out the window] Hyah!
[Princess Bubblegum watches Finn run out of the kingdom. Three weeks later, Princess Bubblegum cuts the leaves off her roses. Finn climbs the balcony up to the princess with a bottle of milk, panting.]
Finn: Milk... You wanted milk...
Princess Bubblegum: Finn, I thought you went home.
Finn: Yes, I do regret the slow return, but I assure you, this is the highest quality milk available. It's mink's milk. I milked a mink. 100% dedication, no limits for what I do for you. I'd throw Peppermint Butler off this balcony if you ask. [Peppermint Butler becomes surprised] Sorry, Peppermint Butler, just joking, but kinda sorta not.
Princess Bubblegum: [takes the milk from Finn] You're really going over the top here. Take it easy. Princess's orders.
Finn: Okay, I'll just rest here.
Princess Bubblegum: No, no, resting on the job is not resting. Go somewhere where you can relax!
Finn: Yes, Princess. [falls off the balcony]
[The next scene shows Finn entering the Ooo junkyard, using his sword and slicing objects in the junkyard]
Finn: [singing while climbing up a mountain of garbage] Princess, I give my life to you girl, you are the best dang princess in the whole wide world. [Finn climbs down the garbage mountain. He finds a fallen mannequin with blue shorts on and stands it up. He makes a head from a basketball, a pink sweater, yellow undies, a broken plastic cup, and a spoon, resembling Princess Bubblegum's head.] Wow, PB, sure is a nice day to be outside! [Looks at the mannequin] Hey, watch what you say about PB, bro. Talk garbage about PB one more time, bro. See what happens! [to the basketball] Hold on one sec, PB. I gotta deal with a real tough guy over here. [He puts down the basketball and summons his grass sword] You got one last chance to apologize before I dishonor you like you did my lady! Alright, bro, have it your way! Yah! [Finn uses his sword to slice the mannequin's shorts off] Where's your pants bro? Where's your honor now? Everyone's laughing at your undies! It's real uncomfortable! Wants some! [He kicks the mannequin against the car, shaking the mountain of garbage. Finn giggles as a car from the top of the garbage begins to fall over Finn, until something mysterious cuts the car in half and saves Finn. The two halves of the car squish the mannequin and the basketball. Finn screams] Wowzers! [A white hooded figure with a sword jumps down nearby. Finn looks at the squished basketball and gasps] No! [talks to the hooded figure] Did you drop this car on my lady, bro?!
Rattleballs: Leave this dump now! [coughs]
Finn: You dropped a car on my lady, bro. Now I gotta restore her honor. I hope you're wearing underwear. [He summons his grass sword. Rattleballs takes out his sword and charges at Finn. He cuts Finn's sword. Finn gasps] Whoa, dude's got awesome powers. [shouts at Rattleballs] Hey, dude, you got awesome powers! [Finn's grass sword regenerates, and Finn charges at Rattleballs. Rattleballs takes out his foot, and Finn falls over. Rattleballs points his sword at Finn.] You gonna kill me, bro?
Rattleballs: No. Instead, I will pluck out your eyes with the point of my sword, and whenever you try to see stuff, you will think only of me, Rattleballs! [he takes off his hood and Finn screams]
Finn: Do it! I ain't a baby! [Rattleballs is about to strike with his sword, Finn pulls on his face to make his eyes bigger] Do it, bro! [Rattleballs strikes his sword on the ground just behind Finn's head as Finn pants. Rattleballs laughs and helps Finn up]
Rattleballs: You have a warrior's spirit! [coughs] Something I haven't seen in a long time. But your swordsmanship is [blows raspberry]. You should learn to master your weapon before you draw it. [Rattleballs starts walking away]
Finn: What?! You're just gonna tell me I'm terrible and walk away? Teach me sword stuff, man! [Rattleballs farts and coughs]
[Rattleballs is seen atop a car. Finn sneaks up on Rattleballs]
Rattleballs: I know you're back there.
Finn: I brought you a muffin.
Rattleballs: I don't eat muffins; I'm a robot. [coughs]
Finn: Look, I know you don't know me and we got off on the wrong foot, but please, dude, teach me how to use the sword. Please! [Rattleballs coughs] You okay?
Rattleballs: No. When I was a young robot, I went horseback riding. No one taught me how to post. The horse took a crazy jump, and I came down on the saddle hard. One of my gumballs bounced up inside me. It's been lodged in a weird spot for years.
Finn: Oh, here. [Finn summons his grass sword which becomes bent. Finn inserts his sword in the hole of Rattleballs. He jiggles his sword and attempts to loosen the gumball]
Rattleballs: More to the left! Getting closer. Closer! [the gumball dislodges] You got it! [Rattleballs laughs and hugs Finn] Thank you!
Finn: Yeah, perhaps you feel a sense of indebted obligation to me?
Rattleballs: Yes! I will teach you the sword stuff.
[Next scene shows Finn holding his sword while Rattleballs holds a basket of eggs]
Rattleballs: Lesson one: block my eggs! [Rattleballs takes a egg from his basket and throws them at Finn. The egg breaks on his face.]
Finn: Yut! [Finn attempts to slice the eggs as Rattleballs throws eggs at him. Finn slices the third egg] Ha, got one!
Rattleballs: Hahahahaha! Egg-celent! [He throws more eggs]
[Next scene shows Finn standing beyond a Deadly obstacle course, blindfolded. Rattleballs spins Finn and pushes him into the course. Rattleballs throws more eggs]
[Next scene show Rattleballs sitting in a hot bowl of burning charcoal. He stands up and Finn sits on the burning charcoal]
Finn: Yeah! That's right! I can take it! [Finn screams for sheer willpower as Rattleballs throws another egg at his head]
[Next scene shows Rattleballs and Finn, who is all bandaged.]
Rattleballs: You have done well today! You have felt the sting of the yolk, endured the sizzle of the mini-BBQ. Perhaps you are ready to learn my secret technique.
Finn: Secret technique!
Rattleballs: Watch! [The shed behind Finn and his bandages explode apart]
Finn: What the—?! [He looks upon a piece of wood left of the shed, in the shape of Finn]
Rattleballs: The shadowless thrust. Your blade must be swift enough to slice the air between you and the target, removing all wind resistance. [He charges at a pile of garbage which explodes apart] Now you try. [Finn summons his sword and starts swaying his sword] Again. [Finn continues until nightfall]
Finn: So, am I a master swordsman now? [Finn puts away his sword and sits on a metal block]
Rattleballs: You will be if you train this hard every day... for ten years... and get a robot body.
Finn: Oh. So, uh, why you livin' in this dump? You should be out in the world, saving fancy ladies and junk.
Rattleballs: That, my friend, is a long tale... which I will tell you now. [flashback begins of the Candy Kingdom under construction] It was a much wilder time in the Candy Kingdom. I was a member of an elite robot police force created by Princess Bubblegum. Her previous attempts at law enforcement had been a bunch of goofs. [the flashback shows a rock shop. A rock person breaks out of the window, holding rocks, and keeps running]
Shop Owner: Stop Him!
Banana Guards: Go! Go! Go! Go! [ A robot slices the rock person into pieces with his sword and was put into a big pile of broken rock people]
Rattleballs: Our righteous swords cut a swath through the chaos, but we were too successful. [The flashback shows a hooded figure entering through a door on the side of a building, guarded by robots] Unfortunately, we were still programmed for violence. [the flashback shows robots surrounding a wrestling ring. In the ring, a robot and Rattleballs charged at each other. Rattleballs sliced the other robot to pieces with its sword. A hooded figure came in and unhooded itself to be Princess Bubblegum. The next scene shows the robots standing in a square formation]
Princess Bubblegum: One, two, one, two, one, two, one, two. Okay, robots, all the number ones, go stand on that platform over there. And all the number twos, just turn around and face the wall. [All the robots assigned as number twos turned around and faced the wall] And no peeking!
Rattleballs: We were programmed to follow her commands 100%, but through sheer force of will, I was able to overcome it. [Rattleballs tries to look behind him to see all the robots assigned number one, squished into one metal cube on the platform] We had been judged too dangerous to stay operational and sentenced to death! [the banana guards take the metal cube away]
Princess Bubblegum: Number twos! Chop, chop! [the robots assigned as number twos walk onto the platform. Rattleballs tries to pull out his sword. The robots are then squished. The banana guards take the metal box away. Rattleballs escapes]
Rattleballs: I alone escaped, while my compatriots became minimalist furniture. [motions to metal cube]
Finn: Oh, sorry! [stands up off the metal cube]
Rattleballs: I've lived as a fugitive in this junkyard ever since. That is why you must never tell Princess Bubblegum about me. If she ever found out, she would have me destroyed.
[Next scene immediately shows Princess Bubblegum]
Princess Bubblegum: Rattleballs is still what?!
Finn: He asked me not to tell you, but I cannot break my oath to serve you, my lady, 100%.
Princess Bubblegum: Captain Root Beer Guy, [Root Beer Guy in police uniform walks in] assemble my guard! [Root Beer Guy salutes]
[Next scene, Rattleballs is seen watering some plants in the junkyard and then waters the metal cube. Rattleballs sighs to see Finn, Princess Bubblegum, Root Beer Guy and 20 Banana Guards surrounding him]
Rattleballs: Hello, Princess.
Finn: Sorry Ree-B-Z. My oath to the princess comes first, but once you two talk it out, I know she'll see you mean no harm.
Princess Bubblegum: Banana Guards, destroy!
Rattleballs: So be it! [Rattleballs grabs for his sword]
Finn: Wait! [The Banana Guards charge at Rattleballs]
Banana Guards: CHARGE! [Rattleballs takes out his sword, and circled the sword on the ground to dust the air.] WEEWOOWEEWOO! [Rattleballs charges at a Banana Guard. The dust clears and four banana guards surround Rattleballs] CHARGE! [The banana guards charge at Rattleballs. Rattleballs smites them simultaneously. He creates a dust cloud and jumps high in the sky]
Rattleballs: Rattleballs! [Rattleballs lands in front of Princess Bubblegum and points his sword at her. The dust cloud clears]
Finn: RB, don't!
Rattleballs: You think I'm dangerous, Princess?
Princess Bubblegum: Dang right I do! You killed all my banana guards!
Finn: No, Princess, look! They're only bruised!
Banana Guards: Hey, you hit me!
Rattleballs: I no longer crave mindless violence. I have found peace in meditation, gardening, egg throwing. I also hope time has made you less bloodthirsty, princess, but do with me as you will. In my heart I still serve you, 100%.
[Next scene shows five bandaged banana guards sitting on a couch, watching TV]
TV: Bigger pimples mean bigger dimples, so mash- [Princess Bubblegum comes in the room with a wheelbarrow holding a metal cube]
Princess Bubblegum: Ahem! Okay, everyone, [Takes out the metal cube from the wheelbarrow] I took care of Rattleballs. [A banana guard places his drink on the metal cube. The Banana Guards are impressed]
Banana Guard: Oh! Wow! Cool! [another banana guard] Show's back on!
[Next scene shows Princess Bubblegum carrying a lantern and a sword on the sidewalk. She presses a loose brick on the wall and opens a secret passage. Finn and hooded Rattleballs are sitting by a table, drumming their hands on the table]
Princess Bubblegum: Everything's settled. I don't have to go back on my order, and you can protect the kingdom from the shadows.
Rattleballs: Thank you, Princess. That's marginally better than hiding in a dump. [He is about to jump out of the window]
Princess Bubblegum: Wait! [she comes closer to Rattleballs and blesses him with the sword] I dub thee Sir Rattleballs! [Rattleballs smiles as Princess Bubblegum hands Rattleballs his sword. He flies out of the window.]

Episode ends