This article is a transcript of the Adventure Time episode "Root Beer Guy" from season 5, which aired on December 2, 2013.

This transcript is complete, only minor edits are needed.


[Finn and Jake are tickling an ogre's cheeks.]
Finn: Tickle, tickle, tickle.
Jake: Wakey, wakey, wake.
[Candy People murmur worryingly.]
[Finn tickles the ogre's nose, and he starts laughing, causing candy people to come out of his mouth. Then the Candy People start cheering.]
Root Beer Guy: Wow, that was really something.
[Root Beer Guy uses his card to get in his workplace then he looks back to see Finn & Jake chasing the ogre with swords.]
Root Beer Guy: Really something.
[Root Beer Guy enters his workplace.]
Root Beer Guy: Sure, I'll hold. Hello? I'd like to take a few minutes of your time to tell you about an amazing vitamin supplement. But first, just let me ask you: do you ever feel that no matter what you eat, you're still tired and sluggish and... filled with nagging anxiety and doubt... and...?
[Root Beer Guy's boss snaps his finger at Root Beer Guy]
Root Beer Guy's boss: Root Beer guy, get your head back in the game!
Root Beer Guy: Hello, ma'am, I'd like to take a few minutes of your time... hello?
Chocolate Bar: What we need is to cut out the middle man.
Gumdrop Guy: Hey, Root Beer Guy
Root Beer Guy: Hey.
Gumdrop Guy: Dude, we should start our own place.
[Root Beer Guy is walking in the train station. He opens a comic book in the train.]
Princess Bubblegum: Next stop, Lollipop Park Estates.
[Root Beer guy walks down the street and appears in the house eating.]
Root Beer Guy: This is good. What is this?
Cherry Cream Soda: Candy...
[In the bedroom]
Cherry Cream Soda: [yawns] I've got a closing argument tomorrow, Root Beer Guy.
[Root Beer Guy closes his book and places it to the side and switches off the night light. He gets off the bed and takes out a typewriter. He then brings the typewriter to the kitchen]
Root Beer Guy: I knew there was trouble. I could smell it on the hot evening breeze. Fortunately for me, trouble is my favorite thing because I'm Joe Milkshake. I kicked down the door with one swift, decisive motion... No... With one swift and decisive motion, I kicked down the door... No... The door was kicked down by me swiftly with not many motions, but a whole lot of decisiveness was used by me that was apparent to everybody... oh.
[His cat points at the door to Root Beer Guy. Root Beer Guy opens the door and hears a scream.]
Princess Bubblegum: What are you doing? Let me go! No!
[Finn throws Princess Bubblegum into a chest and Jake closes it and they both high-five each other.]
Finn & Jake: Yeah.
[Jake changes shape to a truck and Finn places the chest at the boot. Finn gets into the truck and they drive away. Root Beer Guy rubs his eyes and goes back to bed.]
Root Beer Guy: Hey, hey, are you awake?
Cherry Cream Soda: Not really.
Root Beer Guy: Well, this is going to sound crazy, but I think I saw Princess Bubblegum get kidnapped and the perpetrators were that Finn and Jake!
Cherry Cream Soda: Okay, sweetie, that sounds like an interesting dream.
[Cherry Cream Soda goes back to sleep.]
Root Beer Guy: But it did happen.
Cherry Cream Soda: You need to eat something before you go to work. And you can't keep falling asleep at your typewriter; it's bad for your back. Besides, I miss you at night.
Root Beer Guy: I'm sorry, sweetie. I couldn't stop thinking about that weird stuff I saw last night when I was peeking through the bushes.
Cherry Cream Soda: Peeking through the bushes?! You've been warping your mind with all this mystery stuff. I swear, sometimes I think you love that novel of yours more than you love me. You've been working on it every night for ten years and for WHAT? Look at me, Root Beer Guy. I'm a Cherry Cream Soda and I have the same needs as any other Cherry Cream Soda! Or even diet cream soda.
Root Beer Guy: I didn't know what to say, but Joe Milkshake never was a talky guy. On my way to work that morning, I decided to take a second look at the crime scene.
[Root Beer Guy looks up at the 'BG CCTV' sign and then looks up at the CCTV. He walks towards a pit with a 'Lake Butterscotch' matchbook and picks it up. He then hears voices of his boss and then the scene moves back to his workplace.]
Boss: Root Beer Guy. Root Beer Guy. Root Beer Guy, how many bottles of products you've sold this month?
Root Beer Guy: Zero?
Boss: Great, you can count to zero.
Root Beer Guy: You know, maybe if you give me the new lead...
Boss: Hmph, you haven't earned the new leads.
[As the boss walks away, Root Beer Guy turns his head to see Finn and Jake at the window. He runs out of the workplace.]
Chocolate Bar: It's easier to do it when you have all the leads.
Gumdrop Guy: Exactly.
Chocolate Bar: Hey, Root Beer Guy.
Gumdrop Guy: It's all about the leads.
Finn: See? I told you, it's candy stucco. Stucco feels great.
Jake: Mmm, when you're right you're right.
Root Beer Guy: Alright, you two, what were you doing last night with Princess Bubblegum?
Jake: Um, we were at home last night.
Finn: Yeah, we were doing that... thing.
Jake: That was a great thing we were doing at home with no other witnesses.
Finn: But we're each other's witnesses.
Finn & Jake: Yeah! [high five]
Root Beer Guy: But I saw you.
Finn: [hushed] Look, man, you didn't see nothing.
[Finn and Jake walk away and Root Beer Guy follows them but stops at Captain Banana Guard]
Root Beer Guy: Mr. Banana Guard, you gotta arrest those guys. Come on!
[Root Beer Guy pulls Captain Banana Guard from the stand he was standing on and other Banana Guards follow them.]
Root Beer Guy: These are the guys, they're kidnappers. You have to arrest them and find out how they're hiding Princess Bubblegum.
Jake: Princess Bubblegum? She's right around the corner. Oh princess Bubblegum! [tries to imitate her] Yes? [normal voice] I think some banana guards want to speak with you.
[Jake comes out with his body creating a "Princess Bubblegum"]
"Princess Bubblegum": Where are those Banana Guards?
Banana Guards: Your highness. Greetings, your majesty.
Banana Guard: Your skin is looking lovely today.
"Princess Bubblegum" really orange!
"Princess Bubblegum": I'm using this marmalade spray-on tan...
[Root Beer Guy looks at the BGCCTV surveillance depot.]
Root Beer Guy: Bingo bango. This was my lucky break.
[Root Beer Guy tries to open the door but is unable to.]
Root Beer Guy: With one decisive motion, I kicked down the door.
Root Beer Guy: [Root Beer Guy kicks down the door, and a Banana Guard turns around to follow him.]
"Princess Bubblegum": So... being tan is my thing now...
Root Beer Guy: Quickly, I scanned the room for the... oh man. Caramel Court, Cotton Candy Prison, Lollipop Park Estates! Bingo ban...
[Banana Guard opens the door]
Banana Guard: Aha! Huh?

{{L|[Banana Guard looks around to find no one there.]} }

Banana Guard: Umph.
[Banana Guard walks away.]
Root Beer Guy: Bingo bango.
[Root Beer Guy was seen shaped like the other tapes. He goes back to the house with the tape.]
Cherry Cream Soda: Bonsoir, monsieur (Good evening, sir). Would you like me to turn down ze bed?
Root Beer Guy: Um, look what I got! This security tape will show that Finn and Jake kidnapped Princess Bubblegum.
Cherry Cream Soda: Finn and Jake would never do that!
Root Beer Guy: Oh, yeah? Prepare to have your mind blown! After I put this tape in the VCR just to make sure I got the right one. I'm pretty sure I did!
[Root Beer Guy puts the tape in the VCR and Cherry Cream Soda is seen calling someone right after.]
Root Beer Guy: Hey, yes, this is it! Bingo bango! I've gotta get to the... Are you in the tub, sweetie? I'm going out! I've gotta get this tape to the Banana Guards or the newspaper or maybe the DA or something!
[Root Beer Guy puts on his suit and carries his suitcase and opens the door to find Finn and Jake.]
Jake: Hey, Root Beer Guy.
Root Beer Guy: [Jake takes the tape away.]
Jake: You were not supposed to view this tape.
Root Beer Guy: But... but... how did you guys know?
Cherry Cream Soda: I told them. That's right, I did it for us. Oh, this thing is eating you alive, Root Beer Guy!
Root Beer Guy: But it's all I've got!
[Cherry Cream Soda sobs and runs to the other room, Root Beer Guy tries to follow her but Jake stops him.]
Jake: Hey, this looks kinda personal.
[Finn and Jake leaves and Root Beer Guy follows them again and walks into the Pudding's Hardware]
Root Beer Guy: Mr. Pudding.
Buck Pudding: Oh, you can just call me Buck.
Root Beer Guy: Oh, Buck, those.
Buck Pudding: No need to be formal here, son.
Root Beer Guy: T-those guys were just in here, can you tell me what they bought?
Buck Pudding: Well, let's see. A shovel, a saw, some plastic bags, some duct tape, a bludgeon, a mop, rubber glove.
Root Beer Guy: Say, Mister Buck, do you know anything about this Lake Butterscotch?
Buck Pudding: A right nice spot, Lake Butterscotch. Miles from where anyone can hear a person scream... if a person was screaming for some reason. Creepy now that I think about it. Nothing up there these days but some abandoned caverns. Nice place to hide a body if you're into that sort of thing.
[Root Beer Guy runs to his truck]
Buck Pudding: Son, now what are you doin' in my pickup truck?
[Root Beer Guy drives to the Lake Butterscotch. He stops his truck at spots Finn and Jake on a boat with Princess Bubblegum. He looks at the telephone. The Banana Guards at the BGCCTV Surveillance Depot pick up the call.]
Banana Guard: Yeah?
Root Beer Guy: Don't hang up! Uh, I'm Root Beer Guy. I'm the guy who kidnapped Princess Bubblegum! Yeah, yeah, wrapped her in a carpet, yeah, and I'm gonna dump her in Lake Butterscotch! I'm completely insane, ahahahaha, but you still have time to stop me. Get up to Lake Butterscotch right now, Banana Guard...
[The Banana Guard does not respond.]
Root Beer Guy: Uh... and I took a boat out after 8 o' clock.
[Banana Guard drops phone.]
Banana Guard: Emergency! Quickly, Lake Butterscotch!
[Banana Guards run out making siren-like noises and head to Lake Butterscotch]
Banana Guard: Use the licorice lace lasso!
[A Banana Guard throws a rope around Root Beer Guy, pulling Root Beer Guy as Finn dumps Princess Bubblegum into the water.]
Root Beer Guy: Oh, my word. Get those guys. They're my accomplices.
Banana Guard: Oh, okay.
Another Banana Guard: I got it!
[Banana Guard throws rope at the boat where Finn and Jake are on while the other Banana Guard handcuffs Root Beer Guy.]
Banana Guard: Busted, you boat crimer.
[The other banana guard pulls the boat closer from the fog, revealing Finn and Jake]
Banana Guard: Finn and Jake?
Finn: Well, guys. It looks like you caught us.
[Finn pulls out a telephone from his backpack.]
Finn: Okay, Princess, you can come out now.
[Princess Bubblegum gets out of the lake.]
Root Beer Guy: Princess!
[Princess Bubblegum takes out her breathing tube.]
Banana Guard: Uh, yeah, it is the princess!
[Princess Bubblegum takes out the gas tank and mat, clears throat and throws confetti.]
Princess Bubblegum: Congratulations. Whee! Whee! You were so good at solving the case.
Banana Guard: Um... what case?
Princess Bubblegum: The fake kidnapping! To test the Candy Kingdom security system.
Banana Guard: We didn't solve that case.
Princess Bubblegum: But if you weren't following the clues I left, who was?
Banana Guard: Um, Root Beer Guy!
Princess Bubblegum: Then why the jumping jay is he in handcuffs?!
[All the Banana Guards begin to murmur and Princess Bubblegum frowns. The scene moves to Root Beer Guy's house. Root Beer Guy is putting on his tie while singing a little tune and Cherry Cream Soda kisses him.]
Cherry Cream Soda: That was a great night , baby.
Root Beer Guy: We haven't danced like that in years!
[Root Beer Guy puts on his police hat.]
Cherry Cream Soda: I'm so proud of you, Mr. Captain of the Banana Guards.
[Root Beer Guy opens the door, letting his cat and Cherry Cream Soda and they both hold hands as they walk away. The camera moves to Root Beer Guy's typewriter in the trashcan.]
[The episode ends.]