This article is a transcript of the Adventure Time episode "The Lich" from season 4, which aired on October 22, 2012.

Candy Kingdom
Billy's Crack
This transcript is complete.


[The episode begins in Billy's secret crack]
[Finn is laughing at something on TV, which continues for the duration of the dream]
[Screen zooms out to a wider view of Billy's crack. Billy and Billy's lady are kissing. The bear from "In Your Footsteps" is sitting among several sleeping dogs next to the Enchiridion, which is being approached by the Lich-possessed snail]
[Screen zooms in to Billy and Billy's lady kissing]
[The snail approaches the Enchiridion]
Bear: Dark times are coming.
[The Lich begins chanting a spell with the Enchiridion open while the old lady is riding the bear rodeo style]
[Finn is laughing at the Cosmic Owl, who is appearing on the computer screen screeching]
[Billy begins laughing, as he briefly transforms into the Lich and back]
Old Lady: You talk like justice, Billy, [in a taunting tone] but you can't kick a plaaaaaannnne.
[Billy frowns at her taunt, but then notices pages of the Enchiridion flying past his face as the Lich continues chanting his spell]
[Billy realizes what's going on. The view moves behind the Lich, as his snail shadow transforms into the shadow of the Lich's true form. The Lich then attacks Billy, stabbing him in his heart as Billy tries to run. The Lich's face rushes towards the viewer, screeching]
[Finn wakes up]
Finn: [startled] AHHHH!!!!! [falls off of his bed] Whoa!!!!!!!!
Jake: You alright, buddy? Another nightmare?
Finn: Yeah. That dang snail again, man... Muckin' it up again. But... there were other guys this time, too. The bear was there, and some dogs, and Billy's lady, and Billy... and Billy was real scared of somethin' fierce, man. Somethin' real fierce! ...And the Cosmic Owl was there, too—kinda—screechin' it up.
Jake: Whoa, the Cosmic Owl? What if that was a premonition dream, Finn?
Finn: You think?
Jake: Could be... We better go tell Billy about it just in case. He'll know what to do.
Finn: Dang... Whoa...
Jake: I dreamed I was in kindergarten again, but I had really big feet and was also the teacher.
[Finn looks as if words fail him]
Jake: Come on! We better hurry!
[Finn rides Jake, who is in the form of a car, to Billy's crack]
Finn: Hello? [Finn dismounts Jake, who takes his normal dog form] Billy?? [They both run further into Billy's crack where Billy is sleeping on top of his TV]
Jake: BILLY!!! WAKE UP!!!!
Billy: [Wakes up, clearly agitated] Huh!? WHAT THE HECK ARE YOU GUYS DOIN IN MY CRACK?! It's THREE O' CLOCK IN THE MORNING!
Finn: Oh, you know, just drop by to say hello... See what you been uhhhhhh [searching for words] up to? What Uhhhh...How are these days?
Jake: We came to see if you were dead!
Billy: What? Why would I be dead?!
Finn: Hehehehe... Yeah..... Stupid.... Um....? I had a dream about a bear, and an old lady, and a snail, and you were there, and the snail killed you... or something...
[Billy comes to a grave realization]
Billy: Was the Cosmic Owl there?
Finn: Uhhh... Yeah! On TV! Does that count?
Billy: Your dream is an ill omen of GRAVE significance.
[Billy lowers his hand, Finn and Jake step on; Billy raises Finn towards him]
Billy: Finn?
Finn: Yeah?
Billy: Are you ready to come with me on a mission to save all life from the Lich?
Finn: Yes.
[Billy, Finn, and Jake are on the outskirts of the Ice Kingdom ]
[Finn turns to Billy]
Finn: Wait... So... We have to snatch gems out of all the crowns of power?
Billy: That's right.
Jake: [Squinty-eyed] Cool!
Finn: Why do we have to snatch them? Can't we just ask them for 'em?
Billy: No time. The fate of the world hangs in the balance.
Finn: Oh yeah... I forgot.
[Montage follows, depicting exploits of snatching the gems of power. They steal the Ice King's gems first and graffiti his face. Finn offers Billy the gems, but Billy refuses and places them in Jake who creates a pouch to store the gems in. They then steal Engagement Ring Princess's gem, Emerald Princess's gem, Hot Dog Princess's gem, Embryo Princess's gem, and finally, they try to snatch Lumpy Space Princess's star.]
[Over LSP snoring]
Jake: You sure that's a gem?
Finn: I think so...
[Finn tries to take the gem out of LSP's forehead, but struggles]
Finn: [Visibly grossed out] So deep...
[Finn finally wrestles the gem out LSP's forehead]
Jake: Gross....
[They depart from LSP and stick the last gem in Jake's bag. Finn high fives Billy and they ride on. As they ride on, Finn looks at Billy as his [Billy] hair flows majestically in the wind. Finn takes off his hat so as to emulate Billy.]
[Finn, Jake, and Billy are now in a cave. They are all eating sandwiches while taking a break from their adventure]
[Jake moves the bag of gems from his head to his arm and transfers his face to the bag, shaking it]
Jake: Man, we got so many gems, it's crazy! Hey Billy, how many gems we still need to get? Two? One?
[Billy nods his head yes]
[Jake is visibly confused and frustrated]
Jake: Wait... Two? Or One?
[Billy holds up his finger, indicating they have one more gem remaining to procure]
Jake: Hmm...
Finn: [after munching on his sandwich] I want candy! [Climbs into Billy's sack] You got anything in the saddlebag?
[Billy is surprised and then angered, swatting Finn away]
[Finn lands on his back, with the Enchiridion in his hands]
Finn: The Enchiridion? How'd ya get this?!
Billy: I found it in the mouth of a bear.
Finn: A bear?
Billy: This book is REALLY important[Finn blushes in embarrassment, having given the book away previously to a wild animal] It has magical powers. Turn the little sword sideways.
[Finn turns the sword, and a secret door opens revealing slots to place the collected gems in]
Finn: [Pleasantly surprised] WHOA!
Jake: [The gems shake inside his bag] Ooooooohhhhhhh!
[The gems magically insert into the book, with Lumpy Space Princess's just falling aside, not having a slot to slip into. Once settled inside the slots, the gems produce lights that converge on each other at a single point above the book]
Billy: Exhibio Carnotum! [Show the Chart!]
[the orb of light at the center of the converging lights turns into a map of the multiverse]
Finn: Whoa!
Jake: Cool!
Finn: What is this this stuff?
Billy: Hold on!
[Billy concentrates and then produces a beam of light from the gem on the center of his face, which touches a symbol on the book, opening another secret door]
[A hologram of Booko appears]
Booko: [speaking very rapidly] Hello, my name is Booko! What you see here is a map of the multiverse! It shows all the known dimensions and the links between each of them. This is the dimension that contains the universe in which we currently reside.
Jake: Enhance!
[The hologram's view closes up on the location on the planet where the guys are from the outer reaches of the dimension, but the view begins to rapidly repeat closing in on their location multiple times, freaking Jake out]
Jake: Whoa... Mmmmmmmmmmmmmm...MAKE IT STOP!
[The projector ceases the close up]
Booko: [Clears throat; again, spoken very rapidly] Anyways, At the center of the multiverse is a dimension called the Time Room, believed to be the quasi-corporeal dwelling place of the almighty Prismo. The Time Room is the single dimension that exists outside of time. The Time Room produces time waves that are experienced by other dimensions. Some dimensions have permanent links that allow travel to and from. Others become linked temporarily by naturally forming Worm Holes. And others can become linked artificially by magical portals, torn open by items of great power. Once the last gem is inserted into the Enchiridion it will have the power to create a portal to any dimension in the multiverse. An activated portal creates a time dilation in which either end of the portal experiences a temporal synchronization allowing for the safe passage of particles [Deep breath] through a non-local region of space-time.
[Billy taps Finn on the shoulders]
Billy: I'm going to push the Lich in there [pointing to the projection of the portal.]
Finn: Whoa... Cool!
Jake: Let's go get that gem!
Finn: Yeah!
[Billy stares ominously at Finn and Jake]
[Scene shifts to Princess Bubblegum's castle, in PB's room where she is doing experiments on little candy people, snipping off their appendages and placing them back on in different ways]
Little Candy Person: Hi!
[Finn and Jake can be seen through the window climbing the castle to the roof]
[Finn and Jake crash through the roof, surprising Princess Bubblegum]
Princess Bubblegum: AHHHHH!!!! WHO'S THERE?!
Finn: [Coughs, approaches PB on his knees and clings to PB, acting desperate] Princess! Princess! I need the gem from your crown!
Princess Bubblegum: WHAT THE JUNK?!? NO!
[Finn tries to take it anyways]
Princess Bubblegum: What the? UGH!!! GET OFF!!!! [Finn uses even more force to try and take the gem] GET OFF OF ME! [Accidentally cuts Finn with the scissors in her hands; Finn is repulsed, but PB's crown is thrown off her head]
Finn: [In pain] OOOOWWWW! [Falls on his behind; he feels the cut on his cheek and hisses at PB]
Princess Bubblegum: [Stares at the scissors, realizing what she did] That was an accident.
[Finn steals the gem, and Jake lifts him out of the castle through the hole in the ceiling]
Princess Bubblegum: [Pleading] FINN!!! STOP!!!! [frustrated, she lets out a groan and chases after Finn]
[Finn and Jake are fleeing the premises of the Candy Kingdom. Finn reaches for the stolen gem and places it in the center slot of The Enchiridion. The trap door closes, and lights begin to emit from the book. The skull on the book chants some gibberish and explodes. The birds on the book fly away, as the sword cuts the book into two. The book is then encased in a rock-like substance]
[Finn gasps at what he just witnessed]
[Billy is waiting by the Candy Forest]
Billy: [gesturing for Finn and Jake to reach him] HURRY!!!
[The gates to the Candy Kingdom open, and Princess Bubblegum runs outside]
Princess Bubblegum: FINN! STOP!!! That's not Billy! IT'S THE LICH!!!
[Finn turns his head]
Finn: HUH?
[A Gumball Guardian emerges from behind the castle]
Gumball Guardian: LICH ALERT! LICH ALERT!
[The Gumball Guardian blasts a laser beam at Billy, striking Billy in the face]
Finn: [In distress] BILLY!!!!!! [Rushes towards Billy]
[The Smoke clears, and half of Billy's face has been ripped off by the blast, exposing The Lich behind the mask]
[The Lich is on his knees, and stares at Finn, attempting to gain control of Finn's mind again]
[The background blacks out, and it's just Finn and The Lich together]
Finn: Ba.... Billy?
[The Lich crawls towards Finn]
The Lich: The book, Finn! Give me the book! [reaches his arm out to receive The Enchiridion]
[Finn gasps in shock, coming to the horrible realization of what has just happened]
The Lich: Quickly, child! We're running out of time!
Finn: [slowly walking backwards as the Lich crawls towards him] Lich! You... You messed Billy up! You just wanna mess me all up! Mess everyone up! You tricked me!
The Lich: No child! It's all true! The book has great power! I can make you live... Forever! Anything you want! Just give me that BOOK! [Dives towards Finn, who leaps over him] Grrrrrr....
Finn: Oh no no no no no no no NO MORE TRICKS! YOU'LL NEVER GET THIS BOOK! [Smashes the Enchiridion over his knees]
The Lich: NOOOOO!!! [slight echo]
[Finn continues to smash The Enchiridion over his knee until it finally shatters; The Lich smirks, as if he got Finn to do exactly what he wanted. The book shatters, and a portal appears. The Lich begins cackling]
Finn: Uhhhhh....
[The Lich continues laughing]
Princess Bubblegum: Oh NO!!! Finn! WHAT DID YOU DO?!
Finn: [Coming to again] Huh.... What?
[The Lich gets on his feet and approaches the portal]
The Lich: Thanks Finn! I couldn't have done it without you!
[Jake stretches towards the Lich and grabs a hold of him]
The Lich: NGH! GET OFF! [Kicks Jake aside] Eh... [walks through the portal]
Princess Bubblegum: [Walks towards Jake] HANG ON, JAKE!!!
[Jake is slowly dragged through the portal, struggling to resist] UH OH! WHAT NOW, PRINCESS? EEEEEE!!! AAAAHHHH!
[Finn dashes behind Jake]
Finn: HOLD ON JAKE!!! [Grabs Jake from behind] YAH!!!
[Finn and Jake are dragged through the portal; The portal closes, and the gems fall to the ground]
[Everything blacks out, then the scene cuts to a farmhouse. Finn, who looks eerily like the Finn that appeared in the mirror in "King Worm" is sitting on a tree stump. He is playing the flute, as Jake, who is now a normal dog, is sleeping at Finn's feet; Jake wakes up and howls]
Finn's mom: Finn! [Finn looks towards the window, where his mother is calling him] Finn! Will you come here please? Hurry! It's VERY Important!
Finn: Coming Mom! [Talking to Jake] Man, she seems steamed! Guess I done something up yet again... Come on Jake.[They walk back to the house from the stump they were sitting at, dash to get in the house, and then the episode ends]