[The episode begins in the Tree Fort]
Finn: Get it! Get it!
[ladybug hisses at him]
Finn: [Jumps with a sword.] Yah!
Fionna: [Jumps with a shield.] Woo!
[They land on the ground and Finn raises his sword with light blasting out of it. He runs up to the lady bug and chops the ground in front of it. The lady bug climbs onto his sword.]
Fionna: Get him ouut! I can just see the residual radiation!
[Finn goes outside.]
Finn: Don't you ever let me catch you here again!
[Finn puts the lady bug in the grass and goes inside.]
Finn: Whoohoo! Ya ha ha ha ha! [Closes the door] Ahh, ow! [Zooms in to a little splinter] Oow! Ahh ahh mee duh!
Fionna: Did he get you with his poison stinger?
Finn: No, I got a splinter from the door.
Fionna: Let me see. Wow, that's a tiny splinter. Shouldn't be too serious, though.
Finn: But it hurts! I'm gonna need some... [Flashes to a different scene with a thimble on Finn's finger] ...finger protection. Thanks, Choose Goose.
Choose Goose: I am Choose Goose. Come back for some juice! Ha ha ha ha ha!
Finn: Man, I am so protected right now!
[Finn and Fionna hear knights talking.]
Knight 1: Yo, hit me! [Another knight hits him with a sword and it breaks in half. They clap. Knight 2 makes an okay sign with his fingers and the other knights cheer.]
Finn: Hey guys, check this out! Dude, hit me! [Fionna punches Finn on the arm] Oww! [Holding his arm] On my armor!
Fionna: Oh, glob! Man, I vowed never to hit you Finn. I'm so sorry. Hope this makes it better... [Flicks thimble]
Finn: [Makes an okay sign with his fingers] Click-click!
[Knights begin to laugh.]
Knight 1: That is but a thimble! This [Hits his armor twice] is real armor! [They all laugh again but Sir Slicer shows up on his horse with birds flying everywhere.]
Finn & Fionna: Wha?
Knights: Sir Slicer! [All bow]
Sir Slicer: Who is the one that bears the thimble? 
Fionna: Uh...him. [Points at Finn]
Sir Slicer: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! Oh, you foolish human boy, without full body armor you're weak. You do not look [Makes okay sign with his fingers] Click-click! Ha ha ha ha ya! [Rides on his horse away and Finn and Fionna run to Choose Goose.]
Finn: Choose Goose, I need more armor!
Choose Goose: I've got something for you, [Holds up metal shoe] a metal shoe! Don't ya know, you might tub your toe!
[Knights laughing at it.]
Fionna: Alright, enough, Choose Goose!
Finn: Uhh, no Choose Goose, I need-
Choose Goose: Look here hon, choose this one to protect your bun [Holds up armor shorts with big butt cheeks in back].
[Knights laughing]
One knight: Protect his butt! Protect his butt!
Finn: [Cheeks turn more red] No, Choose Goose, I want-
Choose Goose: Don't be meek, what if you fall down and scrape your cheek?
[Knights continue to laugh]
One knight: Look at his butt! [Falls over] Look at his butt!
[Choose Goose laughs.]
One knight: Girl, that's dark.
Fionna [Menacingly] No one makes fun of my brother...
Finn: [Smacks Choose Goose in the face] Choose Goose, I want the most [Makes okay sign with fingers] Click-click armor you have.
Choose Goose: Ooh! Have a look! [Points at the armors with his foot]
Finn: [Sees one with a skull on the front golden all around that a silver hat with a golden horseshoe on the top red sleeves black over the sleeves and golden things on the side of the hat.] I'll take that one! [Eyes glow]
Choose Goose: [Gets the armor Finn wants] Wonderful! I'll need a trade of equal value. I'll take the head of your twin!
Fionna: YOU--
Finn: No way! Choose Goose this stuff is over priced! I thought you weren't subject to inflation and Candy Kingdom taxes!
Choose Goose: No money for me? How 'bout a poem for free?
[Knights laugh some more on the ground and one falls over]
One knight: Wait...that's not funny...
Another knight: It is when it's at a HUMAN'S EXPENSE!
Finn: [Looks at the knights, cheeks turn red looks back at Choose Goose] A poem?
Choose Goose: If you can decipher the poem and complete the trials, you will receive the magical Armor of Zeldron. It is foretold to be totally [makes okay sign with his fingers] Click-click! 
Finn & Fionna: Skadow!
Choose Goose: [Hands Finn the poem] Your quest begins in the marsh over the hill.
Finn: Aww yes, I'm gonna get that armor!
Fionna: Yeah bro, you're gonna do it! [Starts to go and Sir Slicer shows up]
Sir Slicer: Good luck exposing your soft of vanilla strawberry skin to the elements, human! Haaaaaaa! Later, losers! [Goes away on his horse]
Finn: Ja! [Cuts to another scene] He's just jealous that I'm gonna have cooler armor than him!
Fionna: Yeah, what a bumbleberry!
Finn: Whoa! [Comes to a place with lot of curtains]
Fionna: What's the poem say?
Finn: The sun nibbles on the clouds and gum drop tears rain down. I don't get it...
Fionna: [Feels the poem] Hmm... It means that we have to cross that swamp.
Finn: How'd you understand that?
Fionna: You don't just read the poetry to understand it, you got to [feels itfeel it. Trust me bro. Now get in there!
Finn: You're not coming?
Fionna: No way, bro. This armor thing is your deal! [Fionna starts walking the long way around] I'll wait for you on the other side!
Finn: [starts walking in the swamp] This place will be a piece of... [moves a curtain and sees an old lady taking a shower]
Old Lady: Ahh!
Finn: Ahh!!![face turns red] Oh my gosh! I'm so sorry! [covers his face closes that curtain and opens another curtain, sees another old lady taking a shower] Ahh!!!
Old Lady: Oh no! [An old guy walks in]
Old Guy: [drops his soap when he saw Finn] My most private parts peeped by a human boy!
Finn: Huuu!!! [Closes that one and opens another curtain and sees a mom giving a baby a shower]
The Mom: Ahh!! Pervert!
Finn: I'm not a pervert! [face turns more red]
The Mom: You should be ashamed of yourself, human scum!
Finn: I'm sorry! I'm sorry! [his whole face turns red and goes through lots of other curtains; he comes across a man dressed as a little kid, on a tricycle, holding a lollipop]
Childlike manUhh... I can explain.
[He finally gets to Fionna. Finn breathes hard]
Fionna: You okay bro?
Finn: No! And they kept calling me "human scum"! [Sir Slicer shows up]
Sir Slicer: Ha ha ha ha ha!
Finn & Fionna: Wha?
Sir Slicer: What's the matter, crimson checks? Feeling a little embarrassed? In the swamp of embarrassment? [Camera turns to Finn] You're so red, you look like a tomato! Ha ha ha ha!
Finn: Raagh! We'll see who's embarrassed when I get that armor! What does the poem say?
Fionna: [feels the poem] Hmm... Ooh, the meadow weeps as morning sings of milk and honey and things to come
Finn: What does that even mean?!
Fionna: It means we have to silence the echoing in the woods. [they hear echoing and look over a bush to see what it was]
Finn & Fionna: Hu! [They see a Red-faced Monster crying]
Finn: Aw man! I don't know how to silence that!
Fionna: All right, I'll handle this one bro.
Finn: No, this is my burden!
Fionna: Then just make it think it's her idea. That's how you make us ladies do what you want. that right? I gotta stop getting advice from Lady Rainicorn. Jake's influencing her too much.
Finn: [Walks up to the animal] Hey Monster Lady, stop crying!
The Animal: Huh?
Finn: Stop crying because that's what you want to do!
The Animal: Hu ha huh? [picks Finn up and smiles]
Finn: Ahh!!! Ahh!!! Ahh ahh ahh!!! Ahh ahh!!! [The monster pictures Finn as her baby]
The Animal: Oho... [cradling Finn back and forth]
Fionna: She thinks you're her red-faced baby or something. I think she wants ya to nurse, dude! Don't go for it! I heard breast milk is the worst kind! You don't want it!
Finn: Noo!!!
The Animal: Aaa! Ooh! Mmm! [then Sir Slicer shows up]
Fionna: Again?
Sir SlicerMinstrel? [A lyre player comes out and sings "Finn the Blushing Baby"]
Minstrel: He's Finn the blushing baby, his cheeks are bright and red! Be sure to make fun of him before you go to bed! 
Sir Slicer: Grandfathers will sing that to their grandchildren for generations to come. Especially when the topic is a human! A lowly human who will never repopulate his species!
Finn: Grandfathers will not sing that to their children. [The monster tries to chop Sir Slicer but he puts up his arm which had armor and hurt the monster's hand]
The Animal: Oh!
Sir Slicer: Armor, [Makes okay sign with his fingers] Click-click. [He leaves on his horse]
Finn: Just wait till I have the Armor of Zeldron! You'll be sorry!
Fionna: Yeah! Just you wait, weirdo! [Just then, a shadow cast over Fionna] Uh? Finn? Oh crap... [the monster laid on Fionna to take a nap]
Finn: FIONNA! You okay? Huh? [just then Fionna's arm came out of the fur on the animal right in front of Finn and came out the fur on the animals back]
Finn & Fionna: Yeah!
Finn: Awesome!
Fionna: Yeah!
Finn & Fionna: Woo! [They came to a door that says "Home of Zeldron's armor"]
Finn: Finally! [kicks the door open] Ya! [ghost appears]
Ghost: Hello!
Finn: Begone, ghost. I'm here for the armor.
Ghost: First you have to beat my high score in a game of Drop Ball [throwing the ball in the air]
Finn & Fionna: Drop Ball?
Ghost: Drop Ball is an extremely addictive high-intensity game designed for people everywhere. Here, let me show ya. [He throws the ball under him, bends down, and picks it up with his butt] Hut one point. [Finn's face turns red]
Fionna: [Disgusted] Whoever invented this game should be destroyed. With fire.
Finn: This game is awful!
Ghost: Oh, no. I absolutely disagree!
Finn: Sis, lets just kill him and get the armor!
Fionna: How? He's already dead!
Ghost: Here. It's your turn. Now, I don't want you to be intimidated, but my high score is six!
Finn: Uh! Just toss it on the ground! [He throws the ball under Finn, he put his arms on the ground and tries but couldn't go that low]
Ghost: No no no, you're doing it all wrong! Let me show you how the pros do it! [He bends his knees and picks it up] See? It's all in the technique. Now I'm gonna put a little finesse into it, just to show you. [Finn and Fionna go to the next room while his back is turned]
Finn & Fionna: Whoa... [they see a big shiny light]
Fionna: Finn, its so beautiful! 
Finn: Yeah... I guess all the embarrassment was worth it... [Then orbs of the light come out]
Orb: Greetings young traveler, we know what you seek and you shall receive today [The light struck Finn putting him in the air] Behold the Armor of Zeldron! It will protect you from evil--even ghosts. [Then the light put it on Finn]
Finn: Huh? Ah!!! [Which he found out it was a girl's armor] No dude, this is lady armor!
Fionna: Hmm...guess this was my quest after all...
Orb: [Makes okay sign with fingers] Click-click!
Finn: No! Not Click-click! No more embarrassment! [He takes it off] I don't need armor! 
Ghost: [Kicks door open] You did not watch my Drop Ball technique!
Finn & Fionna: Huh?
Ghost: I give you first hand tips and no one else knows and this is how you thank me?! I absolutely disagree with that! [turns in to a monster like creature] Raarg!
Finn: Now what?
Fionna: Put on the armor! It'll protect you from evil even ghosts!
Finn: Never! Yah! [Finn runs up to the ghost, tries to punch him but goes through him]
Ghost: [Picks Finn up and starts to take his soul]
Fionna: Hey! 
Ghost: Huh?
[Camera moves to Fionna, wearing the Armor of Zeldron]
Ghost: Mama?
Fionna: Uhh, yeah. [Tickles her throat and does a dead-on imitation of Florence Henderson] Listen when your mother is speaking to you!
Ghost: Yes, Mama!
Fionna: [Florence Henderson voice] You should be ashamed of yourself! A boy at your age, sitting in this cave alone for thousands of years. you need to go outside and get some sunlight!
Ghost: But i-
Fionna: [Florence Henderson voice and is pointing] No backtalk! Outside! Now!
Ghost: [Puts Finn down and the ghost goes outside, burns from sunlight then turns normal person]
Finn: Woo!
Person: Oh thank you, Finn and Fionna! You freed me from the addiction of Drop Ball! Praise to humans!
Fionna: [normal voice] No problem, dude. I couldn't have down it with out [pointing up] the power of embarrassment!
Finn: And I learned, I don't need armor to be-- [Sir Slicer shows up]
Sir Slicer: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! Look at you losers. Finn, you don't have any armor and your friend is dressed like a Valkyrie! Ha ha ha! So not Click-click! 
Finn: Well, at least I don't spend my day following a kid around! Get a life, dude! 
Person and Fionna: Ha ha ha ha.
Fionna: Good one Finn.
Person: Yeah ha ha.
Sir Slicer: Well, I've just been in the same areas today. 
Finn: No. No, you have some ulterior motive here. Tell us the truth.
Sir Slicer: Well, uh-
Finn: The truth, Slicer! THE TRUTH!!!!
Sir Slicer: I--Fine! I'll tell you! I've been trailing you all day because--I'm a high-ranking member of the Anti-Human League!
Finn: Oh, you've gotta be kidding me.
Sir Slicer: You humans are a blight on this once pristine planet Earth! But then one human named Kim Jong-un started World War III and caused US MUTANTS to exist! Do you think we WANTED to exist? NO! I was perfectly content being a non-sentient glob of toothpaste, but then, when a human was brushing his teeth, he came into contact with radiation, and I fused with him to become this...this monster! Well no more! 12 years ago, this area was populated by humans. Then I led the charge and killed them all! Many mutants came from far and wide for the hunt. Not to mention several notable names turned out. Names like Angermaw. Crazehunger The Enraged. Hatebrood. Hunteranger the Hateful. Seekanger. Even the king of the Fire Kingdom showed up and took a baby girl as his daughter!
Fionna: So, you're here to scare us into leaving Ooo?
Sir Slicer: No, I'm here to kill you both! You call us the monsters! But in reality, YOU are the monsters! You destroy what you don't understand, including each other! When I'm done, there will be no humans left in Ooo!
Finn: Never! NEVER!
[What can only be described as a heated sword duel begins. Eventually, Sir Slicer is driven to the ground.]
Finn: Not very fast, are you?
Sir Slicer: I can't help it! This armor is too heavy for fast-paced dueling! I'm a heavy-hitting frontline general, not an assassin!
Fionna: Sounds like the Anti-Human League doesn't have good strategists.
Sir Slicer: You win this day, human scum, but I'll return, and you'll both die along with the rest of your savage species! [Rides off into the sunset]
Finn: We need pro-human allies.
[Episode ends]