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Princess Bubblegum: (to Finn, Fionna, and Jake) Alright, guys. Hammer all these safety signs around this dungeon hole. I've got to jet off on my swan to take care of some royal junk.
Finn: You got it, Princess.
Jake: Whatever you want, mama.
Princess Bubblegum: Bubblegum, away!!
(Finn and Fionna nail signs with sledgehammers, and Jake uses his fists as hammers)
Jake: Ow. Ow. Ow.
Finn: There. That's the last sign, guys. Now no one will go down this hole, ever. Probably a lot of dangerous, awesome stuff down this hole. Better go take a look.
Fionna: Yeah, totally.
(Finn jumps down the hole, and Jake fishes him out using his arm as a fishing pole and line)
Jake: Don't, guys. For you see, that is the secret entrance to the dungeon of the crystal eye!
Jake: Yeah! Legend has it that the eye rests in the deepest chamber of this accursed dungeon. Guys, we shouldn't even be talkin' about it, 'cause it's lunch time. (holds out picnic equipment)
("LUNCH TIME" logo pops up)
Finn: The crystal eye. I want to meet this dungeon.
Fionna: I want to know this dungeon!
Jake: Maybe after lunch.
Finn: Eh, we'll skip lunch. Just catch up with us after.
Jake: Yeah, right.
Jake: Without the aid of my magnificent powers... (shapes hand into bottle opener and opens a bottle of water) ...Huh? Huh? You'd both get killed down there.
Finn: Hey! We can do things on our own, because me and Fionna are a singular unit! You wanna bet we can't?
Jake: Nope. Come get your sandwiches. (using Finn's sandwich as a puppet) Listen to Jake, Finn and Fionna. He only wants what's best for--(Jake bites Finn's sandwich) (using sandwich puppet, muffled) Ahh! Help me! Ahh! Come put her out of her misery, dude!
Finn: We are betting! I bet that we'll get that crystal eye and be back within 11 minutes. (quickly) Ready set go! (both jump down hole)
Jake: (sighs) I better go after them.
Jake (as sandwich puppet): No, Jake! Stay here, with me...
Jake: Oh, my... (makes out with the sandwich)
(scene switches to inside the dungeon.)
Finn and Fionna: Dungeons! Chambers! (gasps, see monsters everywhere) Evil creatures! (laugh as monsters chase them) Treasure chests! (treasure chest becomes a monster, they laughs, jump away as the creature tries to punch them, then the creature vomits gold, coins, doubloons, and rings and rubies)
Finn and Fionna: Doors! (floorboards try to close on them) Traps! (Long jump out of trap) We're in our elemeeeeeeeeent!! (Land in chamber, see a kitten's head sticking out of a black cave entrance)
(cat head turns upside down and ominously meows)
Finn: (freaked out) Oh?
Fionna: What the heck is that?
(A demonic cat with a kitten for a tongue comes out, and sucks his tongue back in his mouth)
Finn: Whoa! Somebody come pick up your freaky cat.
Fionna: I don't like the looks of this guy.
Demon Cat: Greetings, Frank the Human Boy and Francine the Human Girl.
Finn: How did you almost know our names?!
Demon Cat: I have an approximate knowledge of many things. For instance, I know that I am possibly going to slay you both and munch on your eyeballs. (circles Finn and Fionna)
Finn: Huh, yeah right. That sounds like idiot talk!
Fionna: Go back to school!
Demon Cat: You're trespassing on my dungeon, manlings. And I am the thing... (brandishes claws) ...you should both be afraid of.
Finn: You can't hurt us! We're radical twins on a mission for the crystal eye!
Demon Cat: I'm going to unzip your skins and wear them like little clothes.
Finn: Unzip this! (they do an armpit-fart, jump back)
(the Demon Cat leaps at them)
Finn: Bleep! (Demon Cat holds them down, and fiendishly bites at them) OOF!
(Fionna punches him, the Demon Cat's eyes fill up with blood)
Demon Cat: Now, you DIE!! (leaps at Finn and Fionna, and tears up their clothes, then stops)
Demon Cat: Wait a minute. (sniffs twice) Is that dog smell?! You... you have a dog with you? I'm outta here! (runs away)
Finn: Yeah, right! Good excuse! Slaps, that cat was kicking our buns! And it might have finished our buns if it weren't for Jake's stank.
Fionna: Dang it, Jake! We'll get that crystal eye on our own! With our own odors. (walks by 3 different doors) Hmm, no to skeletal remains door. (sees a door that is a monsters mouth, Finn kicks in a skeleton and a trap closes on it)
Finn: No to giant monster mouth door.
('sees key door)
Fionna: Oh! Giant key door it is! (tries to open, but it's locked)
Finn: If Jake was here, he could stretch his hand into a key and open it. (shapes his hand like a key) Yeah! Key hand! (tries to open the door, but bruises his hand) Ouch!
Fionna: Oh no! Finn, are you OK?
Finn: I don't know anymore!
(notice a green glow coming from a hatch)
Finn: Hey! What the jug is that? (crawls in) Oh, sweet, the key!
Fionna: (singing) Oh, key, we're meant to be,
Finn: I want to have your baby.
Finn and Fionna: Oh key, you're so good to me... (reach for key, which is inside a gelatinous green jelly cube) Ew, jelly cube?! (try to get the key but almost gets sucked in)
Fionna: Come on! Give it to me! Don't flaunt it if you're not gonna give it up! (screaming, fall out of the cube)
Finn: We'll never get that crystal eye!
Fionna: No. No, I just gotta stay pumped. (start dancing, and singing) Pump it up, pump it up! Whoo! Whoo! Shake it! Shake it! Ahh! (fall through the floor, land in a waterfall chamber) Steady, Finn. This place is probably more creeped out of us, than we are of it. (jump onto the floor)
Bucket Knight: Halt! Come no further adventurers, for you see none can defeat... the Bucket Knight! (he appears to be very small)
Finn: Okay, then I won't fight you.
Bucket Knight: No! You must challenge me to-- (Fionna interrupts him)
Fionna: Hey cutie, do you know how to get to the crystal eye from here?
Bucket Knight: Yes, it's through that door over there, but-- (Finn and Fionna run past him)
Bucket Knight: Hey! You can't pass through that door with out battling me!
Finn: Yes, w can. Because we're huge compared to you.
Bucket Knight: (to himself) Just add water and... (pours water on himself) ...exponential growth!
Finn: Aw, buckets.
Fionna: You almost said a swear.
Bucket Knight: Now, activate thine own powers, and we shall engage in thrilling combat!
Finn: (nervously) Heh, thing is... we don't really... have any powers.
Bucket Knight: (smiles) I see...
Finn: (gets chased by Bucket Knight) AAAAH!! Dang it, Jake wouldn't be running! He'd grow all big, and sock you right in the nose hole!
(Bucket Knight kicks the ground, which it's vibration sends Finn flying)
Finn: Aw, nutzoids! (tries to run away, but Bucket Knight slides on the ground, causing Finn to once again, go flying)
Finn: I'm fine, Fi, I'm fine.
Finn and Fionna: Come on! All aboard the knuckle train to fist planet! (jump up, but Bucket Knight punches them far, bruising them really badly)
Finn: Oww... we rode the knuckle train?
Fionna: But... we... we're in our element. (run away and finally get to the door, but the Bucket Knight is right behind them. Before he could hit them, they jump through the door)
Finn and Fionna: AHHHHH!!!! Ow! OW! Ow! OW! Ow! Uhh!
Fionna: That... sucked. (takes a deep breath) Alright, Finn, we're in a heavy pickle here. We don't have Jake, and we're on your own. But we can still handle this. We can still get that crystal eye! (the Demon Cat is awake and crawls on a ledge and sees Finn and Fionna)
Demon Cat: Hey, my dinner is back. And your dog isn't with you! That's what you said, right? Jack the Dog is not "accompanying" you?
Finn: You mean Jake?
Demon Cat: Jake, Jack, whatever. He's not here, which means I'm going to rip your hearts out. (chases Finn and Fionna)
Finn: Crap, crap, crap, crap, crap!
Demon Cat: You can't hide from me, Jim and Jane. I know almost everything, remember? I know exactly where you might be, Jim and Jane. I'm about to pounce on you. (Finn and Fionna sit behind a rock pillar, nervous, scared, and clinging to each other) One... two... three! (jumps behind a rock) Aw, man! I thought you'd be behind this rock. Hmm... (sniffs twice) Alright. I know where you are now! And I'm about to pounce again! (Finn and Fionna get more scared and tighten their grip on each other) One... two... three! (jumps behind another rock) Aw, man! Well, there's only a few more places to look.
Finn: Oh, Jake... we're such fools. Stupid, stupid fools. (a hand touches his mouth)
Fionna: Who the heck--?!
Guardian Angel: Heeey, it's okay. Shhh, I'm your guardian angel, Finn and Fionna. I'm here to save you. Here, let the angel pick you two up.
Finn: Okay. (flies away with the angel, laughs) This is radical.
Fionna: That was close.
Guardian Angel: Are you two hungry? Would you like some snacks?
Finn: I'm fine, thank you.
Fionna: Actually, I could go for some jelly babies.
Guardian Angel: Here, let me clean you up, and mend your clothes. (she uses magic to clean up Finn and Fionna and mend their clothes)
Finn: Ha ha!
Guardian Angel: I'm taking you to the chamber of the crystal eye....
Finn :Aww, yeah!
Guardian Angel: Where I'm going to cook you and eat your flesh.
Finn: Wow... Wait! What??!
Fionna: You lied to us!
Guardian Angel: Trust in your (face misshapens into a hideous form, and a raspy voice) guardian angel!
Finn: Put us down, liar!
Guardian Angel: As you wish. (she drops Finn and Fionna in a cage full of soup and ingredients)
Finn: Man, everybody wants to eat us up. It's probably 'cause we're so sweet.
Fionna: I swear I taste horrible!
Guardian Angel: Now for little kid soup. (lights a fire) The secret is a low flame over a long period.
Finn: That's our secret, too. I sure hope Jake saves me.
Guardian Angel: (flies away with beautiful face) I will save thee, Finn and Fionna.
Finn: Lady, you are sick! Oh, Jake...
Finn and Fionna: Jake!
Jake: Finn! Fionna!
Finn: Where were you?!
Jake: I was looking for you, knuckleheads! I was so worried, that right after lunch, I plunged into the dungeon after you guys.
Jake: Strangest thing, though, I kept runnin' into obstacles.
Reaper: Choose your dueling weapon!
Jake: Uh... I choose... sandwich! (he fights the reaper)
Jake: (voiceover) The challenges were impossible for me.
(a monster makes Jake chase a laser pointer)
Jake: (voiceover) But you would have blown right through. I kept thinking to myself, "What would Finn and Fionna do?" Just...eh, frustrating. Know what I mean?
Finn: Yeah... I think we do. (the three chuckle, there's a moment of silence)
("NEWFOUND RESPECT" logo pops up as they awkwardly handshake)
Finn: Now let's find a way out of this cage.
Jake: I'll get us out with key hand!
Fionna: I really don't see any key holes on this cage.
Jake: Not a problem, girl. Lock hand!
Finn: (laughs) I'll get us out of here, with carrot hand!
(takes a carrot and lights it on fire, and gives it to Jake. Jake sets the cage's rope on fire, and it drops on the Guardian Angel, killing her)
Jake: Alright, guys. Let's go! We've still got a couple minutes left to steal that crystal eye and win your bet.
Finn: Wait! You'd help us win a bet that we made that we said we could accomplish something without you?
Jake: Just hop on my powdered doughnut, boys and girls!
Fionna: Cling! (Finn and Fionna laugh, and Jake carries them to the chamber of the crystal eye)
Jake: Alright, guys. Let's give this crystal eye the old friendship lift.
All three: Friendship, go!
(eye creatures fly out and Finn and Fionna try to kill them, while Jake ducks for cover, but they melt their weapons)
Finn: If I die, I'll have died with my sister!
Fionna: Me, too!
Finn: I love you.
Fionna: I love you too, Finn.
(Princess Bubblegum flies in on her swan, angry)
Princess Bubblegum: Get on my swan!
(Finn, Fionna, and Jake hop on her swan, which kills all the eye creatures with laser eyes)
Princess Bubblegum: I hope you learned a lesson from all this!
All three: Uh, we learned that working together is better. Heh, whatever.
(Princess Bubblegum growls)
Fionna: (whispers to Finn) Looks like that's not the answer she wanted.
Finn: Uhh... I learned that you're a very... intelligent princess?
Princess Bubblegum: You're darn right I am. Princess Bubblegum, away!!
(The four break out of the dungeon riding the swan. The episode ends.)