(The scene begins at the tree fort.)

Fionna: And after the carnage that it had wrought, the vampire smashed their skulls just for the fun of it!

Finn: No way!

Fionna: Yes way, it did. And then the vampire hunched over its victims, and breathed their vaporized blood mist.

(warbling with tongue)

Finn: Ah, geez! Fionna, is this stuff you're saying true? Or are you just trying to mess me up? You have to be honest.

Fionna: Oh, it's true, bro. I heard it through a reliable source.

Finn: Reliable? Rats!

Fionna: Yeah. Some say it haunted this very tree!

Finn: This tree?!

Fionna: (ominously) Good niiiight...

Finn: Fionna?

(Fionna warbling downstairs)

Finn: How do you do that warbling?

(Fionna warbling ominously)

Finn: That doesn't answer my question! Errr... (he hears croaking and sees a worm on his bed) NO WORMS ON THE BED! (Hits worm with pillow.)

(sees a tree limb tapping on his window, then a mysterious figure taps on the window)

Finn: Huh? (lightning crashes, and the figure's scary face is seen)

Finn: AAAAAH!!! (runs downstairs)

Finn: Fionna! Fionna! I saw someone outside the window! I think it's the vampire, an I think we're unprepared, and I--

Fionna: Relax, bro. I made that story up. I was just trying to entertain you.

Finn: But you said you heard it from a reliable source!

Fionna: Ha ha! I made that up, too. I was trying to scare you, and it worked! (laughs)

(the window blows open by itself, the lights go out, and Fionna screams)

Finn: No one's outside.

Fionna: Whew!

Finn: It was just the wind, scaredy-cat.

Fionna: I wasn't scared, I was singing. I was singing my scream song. Ahh! Ahh! AAaah-uh-aah!

Finn: You're a total wuss, sis.

(a bag drops, there is a vampire on the ceiling that hisses and scares Finn and Fionna, who cling to each other)

Marceline: Hey, guys. What's up? I'm Marceline the Vampire Queen.

Finn: (afraid) Are you gonna smash my skull and breathe my blood mist?!

Fionna: Don't suck our blood!

Marceline: (laughing) Calm down, weenies. I'm not gonna do that. (lights candles)

Finn: Sooo, you don't suck blood?

Marceline: Sometimes, I do. But it's not the blood that I like. It's the color. I eat shades of red.

(sucks the red out of a strawberry, and gives it to Finn)

Marceline: Ugh, I am exhausted. I've been traveling all over the land of Ooo. And I've seen some things that would really make you say "like what?"

Finn: Like what?

Marceline: I encountered a school of goldfish beasts. (a flashback of Marceline riding giant goldfish)

Marceline: And I fooled around in the Fire Kingdom. (a flashback of Marceline and Flame Princess (Fire Form) hula-hooping in the Fire Kingdom, while the Flame King shouts at them to stop)

Finn: OOO!

Marceline: Oh, and check these out. (she has nuts in her hands)

Finn: Nuts?

Marceline: Oh, these aren't ordinary nuts. (squeezes the nuts and they become little creatures)

Finn: (laughs) You're wonderful.

Fionna: Um, yeah. Thank you for not sucking our blood.

Marceline: You guys seem cool, too, but as you can imagine, I'm really tired, so you two should probably get going.

Finn: What?

Marceline: (sighs) Look. (she telepathically moves a picture frame and reveals an "M" carved into the tree) "M" for "Marceline".

Fionna: What?! You marked your territory with a carving instead of your own pee?! That's messed up!

Marceline: I carved in this tree years ago. Way before you two rascals started squatting here. (kicks F and F out)

Marceline: But seriously guys, thanks for keeping the place warm for me, I mean really great!

(shuts the door)

Marceline: Good night!

Fionna: Come on, Finn. Let's go bunk at Jake's.

Jake: You rang?

Finn: She can't kick us out of our house!

Fionna: Yeah

Finn: Get down here, lady, and fight me!

Jake: She's a vampire, dude!

(Marceline sucks the red out of a crumpet, and throws it onto Finn)

Finn: I'm gonna kill her.

Fionna: Find me a wooden stake!

Jake: Guys, if half the stories I've heard are true, vampires will kill you. There's no question!

(Marceline hisses at them and then walks away, laughing)

Finn: But, what about our home?

Fionna: Should we storm it like Iranian Soldiers did during the war?

Jake: A VAMPIRE TOOK IT! Aw, you should go house-hunting. Bag a new house.

Finn: But I like our home.

Fionna: We've lived here since we were 7.

Jake: Finn, Fionna, house-hunting is wild! You've got to try it.

Finn and Fionna: Really?

Jake: Yeah, guys! It is so nuts!

Finn: Ha! You wouldn't know nuts when you say it.

Jake: Bla-bla-bla-ble-ble-bla-bloo-bloop!

Finn: Haha, you always know what to say.

Finn and Fionna: Let's roll!

Jake: Sweet, things are gonna start going your way. (sun rises) Hey, look, see? What'd I tell ya?

House Hunting Song

So Finn and Fionna
set out to find a new home.
It's gonna be tough
for a boy and a girl on their own.

Here's a little house,
Aw, Finn's stickin' his foot in.
Well, that's a bad idea dude
Cause now that bird thinks you're a jerk, Finn!

And now they're chillin' on the side of a hill!
And thinkin' livin' in a cloud'd be totally thrillin'
Unless they find something inside
Like a mean cloud man and his beautiful cloud bride.

A beehive, oh nooo-ooo-ooo!
Don't put your foot in there, guy!
Y'all tried that before,
And you know it didn't turn out right!

Big shell, go inside.
Look around, it seems alright.
Frog jumps out,
And barfs a tiger!
Throwin' down potions for food and fiiiiiire!

You know you should have stayed
And fought that sexy vampire lady.
Jake was feeling terrified,
He was super scared of her vampire bite.

Which is understandable
'Cause vampires are really powerful.
They're unreasonable
And burnt out on dealing with mortals.

Oh, Marceline,
Why are you so mean?

Marceline: I'm not mean,
I'm a thousand years old,
And I just lost track of my moral code.

Oh Marceline,
Can't you see these twins are in pain?

Marceline: No I can't,
I'm invested in this very cute video game.

So there go our kids,
walkin' on the icy ground.
Headin' towards their destiny,
I'm sure they'll figure something out.


Ice King: Oops, sorry guys! Thought you were those salesmen who keep trying to sell me fire insurance. Say there's some fire girl on the loose or something.

(From behind a rock, Flame Princess (Fire Form) looks on)

Flame Princess: So, Marceline took the house, huh? Don't you worry, Finn and Fionna. I'll deal with her...

Finn: This is weak! I don't even like any of these places. I wanna go home.

Fionna: Me too.

Jake: Guys, let me tell you a little something about what home really means. (plays viola) La, la, la... (singing) Home isn't a place, let me give you a clue... Home is anywhere, where people care about you...

Finn: I don't wanna hear a lecture, dude! I just wanna go home...

Fionna: Hold me, Finn.

Jake: (singing) But, home is where your heart is, Finn! And where is your heart, Fionna? Well, it's right here inside you when you're sitting here beside each other! (talking) With your lucky stars to guide you from above. (They look up, a star floats around, then poofs and disappears)

Finn: Yeah, I guess I'd rather be out here, wrapped in Fionna's arms, than be in some awesome house all by my... souse.

Jake: I'd rather be dancing with some babes!

Fionna: I'd rather be in my nice, warm bed.

Finn: I know, Fionna, I know.

(Finn kisses Fionna on the forehead)

Jake: Ew... Gross. This place looks gross!

Finn: And abandoned. (echos)

Fionna: ECHO! (echos)

(both scream)

Finn: (gasps) Whoa, sis... Wanna just live in here?

Fionna: Yes.


"So they cleaned the cave and built a house inside the cave"

Fionna: So whaddaya think, bro? We did pretty good for ourselves.

Finn: Yeah, we did... So, ah, what should we do first with our new digs?

Fionna: Let's trash it and throw a party!

Finn: Ah this is it, feelin' good, I'm feelin', I'm feelin' like we did it. I'm feelin', completely satisfied. Nothin' else could go wrong, ya know, Fionna?

Fionna: Yeah, bro.

Finn: Aww, yeah, I know, too.

Fionna: Wait, why's Tree Trunks here?! SHE'S SUPPOSED TO BE DEAD!

Finn: That's creepy. Must be her GHOST!

Marceline: Hey, Finn.

Jake: She's back!

Marceline: Pretty awesome party ya got here.

Finn: What do you want, Marceline?!

Fionna: State your business or I'll stake ya!

Marceline: Oh, I just wanna show you somethin'. This cave belongs to me!

Finn: What!?

Fionna: NO!

Marceline: Thanks for fixing the place up for me.

Finn: Wha! You can't take our home twice!

Marceline: (with guitar) Yes, I caaaannnnnn!

Finn and Fionna: AAAAAAAHHHH! It's vampire-fighting time!

Jake: Guys! Nooo! Vampires will kill you... remember!?

Finn: But she's taking our home again!

Fionna: There's no proof that she'll kill us! We've killed worse! She's just a humanoid!

Jake: You're home as long as you're together, bla-bla-bleep-bla-bloop, remember!?

Finn: Oh, yeah. Okay, Marceline, I'm gonna let you keep this cave, but only because Fionna is my home, and she's way better than all your homes combined!

Marceline: Ya know, you're right. I guess I'll take her too!

Fionna: (yells)

Finn: What!?

Marceline: I'll bite her a little, maybe turn her into a zombie.

Fionna: Try it and see what happens!

Finn: Let go of Fionna!

Marceline: Make me.

(Finn slaps Fionna out of Marceline's grip)

Finn: You okay, sis?

Marceline: (transforming) No one... makes me... let go... of Fionna!

Finn: I'm not scared of you!

Fionna: Finn!

Marceline: (laughs) You're pathetic, little boy.

Finn: (grunts) You're pathetic! (spits) Get ready for an uppercut, you dog!

Marceline: Make me. (laughs) Bleh-bleh!

Fionna: I've... gotta help my twin.

Marceline: Your blood is mine!

Fionna: (warbles)

Finn: (screaming) Fionna!

Fionna: Oh crap.

(Marceline sucks Fionna's blood and throws Fionna's remains on the ground; she laughs.)

Finn: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!! WHY?! WHYYY?!!! I'LL KILL YOU FOR KILLING MY SISTER!!! (screams; runs up to her and punches her)

Marceline: Ow! That actually hurt, Finn. (laughs) (kisses Finn)

Finn: Why didn't you just kill me?

Marceline: 'Cuz that was fun! I haven't fought like that in years! Thanks, Finn.

Fionna: Finn!

Finn: FIONNA!!!

(Finn hugs Fionna tightly)

Finn: Aren't you dead?

Fionna: Naaah, I played dead and drained my skin of all color.

Finn: Wha?

Fionna: Something I taught myself to do in a scenario like this.

Marceline: (clears throat) You two are pretty hardcore. I can appreciate that.

Finn: Soooo so does that mean we can have our old house back?

Marceline: Yeah! Keep it, as a gift from me. Blaeargh!

Finn: A gift?

Marceline: Actually, no. The princess of the Fire Kingdom made me give it up.

(Finn and Fionna head home as Flame Princess, again, looks on from behind a rock)

Flame Princess: Told you I would your house back.

(scene cuts back to the tree fort)

Finn and Fionna: Yeah!

Finn: Huh? Did you guys get on the bed? I told you, you're not allowed!

Worm King: Oh, hey, guys. Come here, friends... Hug me... wawawawawawawa... Aw, yeah, hug me... wawawawawawawawa....

(Finn and Fionna break free of the mind control and throw all the worms out)

Finn: Don't let us catch any of you here again!

Worm King: Aw, man. Let's go bother Marceline!

Worms: YEAH!

(Episode ends)