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(The episode starts in the woods with Finn and Fionna by a campfire. Finn is roasting hot dog meat.)
Finn: Just about done.
Fionna: Mm, oh boy. I could REALLY go for a grilled meatling!
Finn: How much Softy Cheesy for ya deezy? A little? A lot?
Fionna: Blech! None!
Finn: But you used to love Softy Cheese!
Fionna: I don't wanna talk about it.
(Camera becomes someone's point of view. The person is viewing Finn and Fionna; the person rushes towards Finn. Finn feels a gust of wind and hears a noise. He spits out his food.)
Finn: What was that?
Fionna: Prolly an owl (Takes a bite of her hot dog) Mm... Mm, mm... (Spits out her food) A ghost!!
(Ghost Princess is seen floating towards them.)
Finn: Sis. It's just Ghost Princess. Hey, GP. (She howls.) (Whispering to Fionna) She's weird, huh? (Ghost Princess gets closer to Finn and howls again.) How's it goin'?
(She flies around and howls some more.)
Fionna: Are you haunting us?
Ghost Princess: Yeeeeessss...
Fionna: Oh, okay.
(She resumes howling.)
Finn: (Tactfully) Well, could ya knock it off??
Ghost Princess: Soooorrryyyy... It's just... I'm doomed to haunt this mortal plaaane...
Finn: And what's with the sudden shift in dialect? You used to speak normally.
Ghost Princess: I was told I have to use it in order to haunt this plaaaaane...
Fionna: Oh. Well, let's hear more about that, honey.
Ghost Princess: Until I discover the cause of my death, my soul can't ascend to the 50th Dead World... But as a ghost I have no memory of my mortal life... and no idea how I diiiied...
Finn: (Gasps) It's a crime case!
Fionna: Whoa, step back, nephew. We don't know she was moidered!
Finn: That's right. We don't even know how she was moida'd, but I'm the hard-boiled sleuth who's gonna crack your case wiiiide open!
Ghost Princess: OH! That sounds wonderful!
(Scene transitions to Ghost Princess's home cemetery.)
Ghost Princess: This way, all!
(The three enter.)
Fionna: Whoa. Your neighborhood is... uh... very peaceful.
Ghost Princess: It's the cradle of my despaaaiiir...
Fionna: (Awkwardly) Right, right.
Ghost Princess: Well... here's me.
(Finn goes to a grave.)
Finn: Our first clue! (Reading grave) "Female." It's a good start, but we need more. Fi, it's time to interrogate the neighbors. We'll do it good cop bad cop style. I CALL BAD COP!
(Finn walks over to a grave.)
Finn: Yo, ghost! Yo, yo! Yo, wake up, fool! Yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo.
(Ghost comes out of grave)
Finn: Yo, ghost, whaddaya know about the lady buried next to you?
Boilbee: What, you mean her? (Pointing at Ghost Princess) She's been here longer than almost anybody!
Ghost Princess: He's riiight...! (Starts crying)
Boilbee: And don't think I don't see what you do, Ghost Princess.
Ghost Princess: What...?
Boilbee: Sneakin' off at night, scarin' peeps, hauntin' at all hours... 'cause you can't deal with your issues! AND STOP CALLING YOURSELF A PRINCESS! THERE'S NO GHOST KINGDOM! YOU JUST CALL YOURSELF ROYALTY BECAUSE OF YOUR INFERIORITY COMPLEX!
(Ghost Princess gasps and cries again. Boilbee chuckles. A Cheeto is thrown at him.)
Clarence: Leave her be, Boilbee.
Clarence: A princess deserves empathy, not your sass. (Throws another Cheeto at him)
(Ghost Princess gapes in awe.)
Boilbee: Nyeee... nyeee... Butt out, Clarence!
Clarence: Some of us still want to feel, you know? The vital... (Eats another Cheeto) ...magnetism of life. (Ghost Princess stares in amazement.) The vibrating energies that connect all living and... nonliving beings.
Boilbee: Nyaaargh! I don't like your words! Arrrgh... (Sinks back in the ground)
Ghost Princess: (To Clarence) I'm Ghost Princess. Have we met before? I feel like we have.
Clarence: I don't think so, m'lady, but I am honorèd.
Finn: Whadda you know about Ghosty-pees gettin' murdle-lurdled?
Clarence: Sorry, I don't know anything. I can't imagine anyone who would harm someone as beautiful as this. (Kisses her hand)
Fionna: Whoa. Smooth.
Clarence: Did you try looking yonder? (Points away) That's where the ne'er-do-well ghosts hang out.
Finn: Right... Ne'er-do-wellers. Let's do this, Fionna.
Fionna: (To Ghost Princess and Clarence, running off with Finn) You stay, and eat Cheetos! It's what Chester Cheetah would want.
(The two ghosts throw Cheetos into each other's mouths and laugh. Scene cuts to the ne'er-do-well ghosts' graveyard.)
Finn: Geez. Look at this place. It's all bunked up.
Fionna: Yeah, no wonder this is where the ne'er-do-wells go when they deezy. I got a feelin' these ghosts are gonna be harder to shake than Boilbee.
Finn: Yeah, well get ready, 'cause this biz is gonna get ridonk.
Fionna: Cool, bro. Hey, can I be bad cop now?
Finn: No. Okay, let's check this guy out.
(They walk over to a grave)
Fionna: What's it say?
Finn: (Reading grave) "Some donkus." WAKE UP, DONKUS! WE GOT QUESTIONS! DINGUS! TIME TO SING, YA CANARY! (Digs into the grave while grunting; opens coffin) BAM!! YAH! (Grabs body) Whatchu know about Ghost Princess, huh?! Give it up, Dungus!
Fionna: Hey, man, take it easy.
Finn: (Slaps Fionna's hand off) You do your job, I do mine! (To body, in a low growling voice) TELL ME WHAT YOU KNOW, PUNK. Uh-oh. (Picks up broken dagger) What's this? A busted knife. Is this your knife, bro? TELL ME!!! (To Fionna, whispering) Fi, good cop...
Fionna: Alright. Cool off, bad cop! (Pulls Finn back) This ghost ain't home, bro!
Finn: (Pants heavily) Well, you're lucky my twin's here... pal.
Fionna: He's not worth it, bro.
Finn: (Grunts) These ghosts think I'm playin'. They think it's all a big game. But you know what? You know what I'm gonna do?
Finn: I'm gonna turn this game... UP-SIDE-DOWN!!! (His voice echoes.)
(Scene cuts to the location of the Spirit Waves show. Ghost Princess and Clarence are there.)
Ghost Princess: So, you really don't know how you died either?
Clarence: Of course not. (To ticket vendor) Two, please. (To Ghost Princess) And we might never find out, but that's okay because right now, in this moment, I'm feeling pretty sweetles, you know.
Ghost Princess: I feel... sweetles also in this moment also.
Clarence: That's great, Ghost Princess. I'm glad we can feel this way together, in the face of uncertainty.
Announcer: Llllladies and gents! The center for Ghost Community Outreach and Google 2.0 present... SPIRIT WAVES!
(Audience applauds; Spirit Waves starts performing.)
Clarence: More beautiful than I could imagine.
Ghost Princess: Are you talking about Spirit Waaaves...?
Clarence: I'm talking... about you, Princess.
(Scene cuts back to the ne'er-do-well ghosts' graveyard.)
Finn: YYYYAAAAAH!! (Rapidly batters a fryer basket with a stick then breaks a pole by kicking it) GHOSTS! YOU GHOSTS! COME OUT! (Throws the stick at what looks like a tree then starts running around panting)
(Fionna discreetly steals a Desert Eagle from a dead hand.)
Fionna: I think this place is abandoned, bro.
Finn: They're just hidin' 'cause they know they're guilty!
(Muscular Ghosts enter.)
Muscular Ghost 1: Yo! Yo! That's my grave! Why're you fops trashin' our spot?!'
Finn: (Nervously) We thought you were... hiding.
Muscular Ghost 2: Dude. We were at the Spirit Waves show.
Muscular Ghost 3: Kill these fools!
(They charge and start punching Finn and Fionna, but their blows phase right through them. Fionna wears a face that says "Really?" 'Clarence and Ghost Princess drop in.)
Clarence: Hold up! These guys are with me.
Muscular Ghost 3: ...A'ight, Clarence, but only because of that one time when I did that thing by accident and you were cool about it.
Muscular Ghost 1: It's your lucky day, punks.
(Muscular Ghosts sink into the ground.)
Fionna: Phew! Thanks, Clarence!
Finn: Yo, I'm sorry we haven't solved the case yet.
Ghost Princess: It's alright, Finn... I'm calling off the investigation.
Finn: What? Why?
Ghost Princess: I don't feel tormented anymore now that I'm with Clarence.
Finn: Oh. That's... that's cool.
Ghost Princess: It's hard to explain, but it's like we already know each other.
Clarence: I feel it, too. Our spirits must be intwined in the cosmic wheel of time.
Clarence: Let's go to my private mausoleum where we can be... private. (Exits with Ghost Princess)
Ghost Princess: (To Finn, exiting) Thanks for your heeelp...!
Finn: A'ight. (Sighs) (Scene cut; Finn and Fionna are walking out of the cemetery) Man... I wanted to crack the case, y'know?
Fionna: Look on the bright side, bro! We looted all this sweet grave booty! Ka-ching! (Drops a variety of assorted weapons)
Finn: Fi! You looted weapons?! Iranian weapons for that matter?! That's bad, sis! You're supposed to be good cop.
Fionna: Oops... I didn't know it was wrong. Besides, there's no Iranians around here!
Finn: Well...this M-4 is pretty sweet! And this RPG could come in handy in future! (Wipes dust off broken dagger) Huh. This dagger says, "Rence."
Fionna: What's that?
Finn: I guess some donkus's real name was... (In realization) ReeeeEEEENCE?!!
Ghost Princess (In flashback): Have we met before?
(Transition to next memory)
Ghost Princess (In flashback): It's hard to explain, but it's like we already know each other.
(Transition to next memory)
Finn (In flashback): Is this your knife, bro?
(Transition to next memory)
Fionna (In flashback): This ghost ain't home, bro.
Fionna: What is it, bro??
Finn: (Low, growling voice) ...We gotta dig up the princess.
(Cut back to the cemetery; Finn is digging in Ghost Princess's grave, grunting.)
Finn: Look! (Pointing at a piece of a sword stuck in Ghost Princess's physical body; he pulls it out) Sorry. (To Fionna) Lookit! (Puts dagger pieces together; the name "CLARENCE" is formed) "Cla-rence." Clarence was some donkus!
Fionna: Some donkus skee-bopped Ghost Princess!!
(Cut to the mausoleum; Clarence and Ghost Princess are about to kiss, but Finn and Fionna interrupt by busting in.)
Fionna: STOP! IN THE NAME OF AMERICA! Or what's left of it...
Finn: Clarence is your murdler!
(Finn puts the dagger in the light so they can see; the light rests on Ghost Princess. Suddenly, Ghost Princess gasps and then grunts ("Nyaaargh!!") and her eyes light up. A flashback begins. A war is occuring. Warrior Princess puts on her helmet and charges with her army. Clarence charges with his.)
Clarence: Warrior Princess! Give up your kingdom! In the name of the Korean Remnant!
Warrior Princess: Never! Not even to you, my love!! (They run into each other and Clarence impales her.) Aaagh... (Takes off her helmet) Clarence... I... (Exhales as she dies)
Clarence: My love... (Sobbing) NOOOOOO!!! (Continues weeping as her ghost leaves her body)
(Flashback ends and Ghost Princess's eyes dim.)
Clarence: I... did it?
Ghost Princess: I forgive you, Clarence! Take my hands! Ascend with me to the 50th Dead Wooorld...!
(Clarence attempts to grip her hands but his phase through hers.)
Clarence: I can't! My soul is stuck! I have to know how I died! Oh, Glob... My life is like a fart.
Fionna: Whoa, wait a minute. Say that again!
Clarence: MY LIFE IS LIKE A FART!
Fionna: I know you, man! From the Squeez-E-Mart!
Clarence: Huh? Uh... Squeez-E-Mart? I'm starting to remember! (Eyes light up and flashback begins at the Squeez-E-Mart.) (Voice over) I was a broken man.
(Clarence in the flashback is lying on the floor. He pulls himself up to the cashier.)
Clarence (In flashback): More.
Cashier: Think you've had enough, man.
Clarence (In flashback): I don't care. My life is like a fart.
Fionna (In flashback): Huh?
Clarence (In flashback): (Walks over to the Softy Cheese dispenser) My life is like a fart! (Drinks Softy Cheese from the dispenser)
Cashier: HEY! HEY, STOP THAT!
Fionna (In flashback): CITIZEN'S ARREST! (Clarence ignores him and bloats up.) Hey, be careful, man!!
(Clarence explodes in a "cheesy" explosion and his soul leaves his body. Flashback ends and Clarence's eyes dim.)
Finn: So that's why you don't like Softy Cheese!
Ghost Princess: Claaareeence!!!
Clarence: Ghost Princess!!!
(They kiss and ascend together.)
Fionna: Congratulations, you kids!
Finn: Haha, yeah!
Ghost Princess: (To Finn and Fionna) Goodbyyye...! Thanks for everything!
Clarence: (To Finn and Fionna) Thanks for everything! Goodbye!
(They kiss and explode into fireworks. Camera pans down to the ground and shows Finn and Fionna at their campfire from the beginning of the episode.)
Finn: You sure you're ready for this, sis?
Fionna: Yeah. Gimme one a' those cheesy dogs, bro.
(Finn does so. Fionna takes a bite and swallows with visible difficulty.)
Finn: All gone? (Fionna nods.) Lemme see. Move your tongue left...
Fionna: (Moving her tongue left) Wah-vah.
Finn: ...And right.
Fionna: (Moving her tongue right) Vah.
Finn: I'm proud of you, sis. Real proud.
(Fionna lets out a sonic burp and the episode ends.)