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(The episode starts with Finn, Fionna, Edana, and BMO playing a game of bocce. BMO throws a ball.)
BMO: Fionna, if I beat you, you have to call me "sensei" for a month.
(Turtle Princess goes by on a slow-moving rocket.)
Turtle Princess: Hi, guys!
Finn, Fionna, Edana, and BMO: 'Sup, Turtle Princess?
(She leaves them. Scene cuts to Lumpy Space Princess swatting bugs off of herself.)
Lumpy Space Princess: Agh! Agh! Agh! Agh! Agh! Agh! Get your hands off me, Steven!! YAH! (Throws him down) And you, too, Chad! (Flicks ant away)
(Turtle Princess enters.)
Turtle Princess: Heeeey, giiiirl!
Lumpy Space Princess: Heeeey, giiiirl!
Turtle Princess: Brought you some little fruit pies.
Lumpy Space Princess: Awesome. (Starts eating)
Turtle Princess: How ya doin' out here?
Lumpy Space Princess: Turtle Princess, the men out here will not leave me alone!
Turtle Princess: Huh... it must be nice.
Lumpy Space Princess: Nah. It's horrible. They just want me for my lumps! (Vulture screeches at them.) These lumps aren't for SALE, BILLY! (Throws fruit pie at vulture making it fly away.) (To Turtle Princess) Aren't you sick of men going after your turtle lumps?
Turtle Princess: Actually, I've never been able to work my T-lumps. I just know what I read in books. (Gasps) Hey! You should write a book telling me how to do it!
Lumpy Space Princess: Oh, my Glob! Turtle Princess! I've always wanted to write trashy books for ladies! (Snake hisses at her) YAH! (Hits it) BACK UP OFF ME, RICKY!! (To Turtle Princess) Yeah, everyone needs to know when I work these lumps, no man is immune to their influence!
(Two balls land in front of them. Finn enters.)
Finn: The ball landed over here, guys
Turtle Princess: (Gasps) LSP! Finn would be perfect as the test subject for your lump studies!
(Fionna, Edana, and BMO enter.)
BMO: Yay! I win! (To Fionna) Bow to your sensei!
Edana: Hehehe. That's priceless.
Finn: Heh heh heh heh heh heh!
Turtle Princess: (To Lumpy Space Princess) You gotta go undercover and conduct your lump science on him. Prove to the world that even a white knight like Finn is no match for the power of your lumps!
Lumpy Space Princess: I'll do it! For the world! And for you, girl!
Turtle Princess: Oh, girl!
(They both smile. Lumpy Space Princess grabs a plastic grocery bag off the ground and dons it like a spaghetti-strap dress. Scene shifts to the Grasslands; Lumpy Space Princess is going to the Tree Fort.)
Lumpy Space Princess: (Recording herself) Day one: on my way to Finn's. Side-note: I look fresh to death with my new dress and purse. Mm! Mm! Mm! (Takes out a fruit pie and "puts on" its custard before eating the fruit pie; knocks on the Tree Fort's front door; Edana.)
Lumpy Space Princess: (Seductively) Heeey, Edanaaa... Is Finn hooome...?
Edana: (Wincing in disgust) Ooh!
Finn: 'Sup, LSP?
Lumpy Space Princess: Oh, hey. I'm answering that ad you put out for the adventure secretary.
Edana: I don't recall us ever putting out an ad.
Fionna: Well, there was that one ad we made for "Ice King Awareness Month".
Lumpy Space Princess: Ugh... Hold on. I'll get it. (Starts digging through bag) Hold on. It's down in there. Okay, wait, I got it. Uh, here you go.
Finn: (Reading fake ad) "WANTED—ADVENTURE SECRETARY." (Sniffs it) Smells like fruit pie.
Edana: This is so fake.
Fionna: It's nice of you to wanna be our secretary... but we don't need one.
Finn: (Whispering to Fionna) Sis, look at 'er.
Lumpy Space Princess: (Messily slathering custard on her face) Mmm... Oh, Glob...
Edana: Ugh, no. She might make advances on you, Finn!
Finn: Yeah, it's sad. Come on. We've gotta help 'er.
(Fionna hesitates speaking for a moment)
Fionna: Alright, LSP. Come inside.
Lumpy Space Princess: Awesome. (Recording herself) Totally nailed the interview. (Licks custard off face)
(The four walk inside.)
Lumpy Space Princess: I'm gonna need a secretary desk! (She immediately forces dishes off a table "Rrr-AAAGH!" and puts her working equipment. Finn and Edana just look at each other.) I'm starving! What's for dinner?!
Finn: Oh. Uh... (Checks fridge) We got some blueberries.
Edana: Here's some Doritos. And some Tostitos.
Lumpy Space Princess: Yuck. (Recording herself) Looks like I'll have to bust out these cobras to get a better dinner. (Seductively) Hey, Finn... (Rubbing her lumps) You got anything better to eat??
Finn: (Focused on the fridge) Oh, cool. Orville Redenbocher. I'm gonna go pop this. (Exits)
Lumpy Space Princess: (Recording herself) Chapter 1: "Gotcha!"
(Scene changes to that night.)
Finn: (To Lumpy Space Princess) Have a good night. See ya in the mornin'.
Lumpy Space Princess: G'night, you guys! (They go upstairs.) (Recording herself) Finn is even more overpowered by my lumps than I thought. I guess at the end of the day, it's all about the lumps. (Her phone rings (Lumpy Space Princess's ringtone is Turtle Princess saying, "Heeey, girl!" repeatedly) and she answers it.)
Turtle Princess: (On other end) Hey, girl.
Lumpy Space Princess: Oh, Turtle Princess! This book is coming out awesome!
Turtle Princess: Oh, good, girl! I can't wait to read it!
Lumpy Space Princess: Thanks, girl.
Turtle Princess: Goodnight, girl.
Lumpy Space Princess: Goodnight, girl. (Hangs up)
(Finn, Fionna, and Edana are upstairs, eavesdropping.)
Finn: What the...
Fionna: She's incognito for someone.
Edana: I told you she's trying to steal you away from me, Finn.
Finn: Look guys, let's just play along for the time being. We can interrogate her later!
(Scene shifts to the next morning. Lumpy Space Princess wakes up grunting and drooling.)
Lumpy Space Princess: What's that?
(Lumpy Space Princess goes outside to find Finn, Fionna, and Edana putting rocks in a Radio Flyer.)
Fionna: 'Sup, LSP?
Lumpy Space Princess: What're you guys doing?
Finn: We're carrying these rocks on an adventure, up to the Mystery Mountains.
Lumpy Space Princess: Oh, nuh-uh, I am not gonna carry rocks!
Finn: That's okay. We found this little red wagon during a salvage run.
Lumpy Space Princess: Ugh... Fine... (Picks up two rocks) You're welcome, Finn.
(Finn gives a thumbs up. The quartet starts going to the mountains.)
Lumpy Space Princess: Ugh... My arms weren't meant to carry so many rocks, you guys!
Edana: You shoulda just put them in the Radio Flyer then!
Finn: C'mon, LSP. You can make it.
Lumpy Space Princess: Uuoohhh... (Drops the rocks in exhaustion; her phone rings ("Heeey, girl! Heeey, girl!") and she answers.) Turtle Princess, you can't call me! You're gonna blow my cover!
Finn (Whispering to Fionna and Edana): Oh, her cover has been blown for some time now.
Turtle Princess: Good morning, girl.
Lumpy Space Princess: Good morning, girl.
Turtle Princess: Would you be mad at me if I ask out Billy, that vulture who was hitting on you? I think he's cute—
Finn: Hey, LSP, shake a leg.
Edana: Do you want the chuds to get you?
Lumpy Space Princess: (Whisper) Can't talk right now, girl! (Hangs up)
(The quartet arrives at the top of one of the mountains.)
Finn: The Loch of Phantoms. Mannish Man the Manly Minotaur said the rocks would show us the safe path. (Starts throwing rocks into the lake)
Lumpy Space Princess: (To herself) This is way too boring for my book. (Acting) Oh... my shoulder strap... Oh, my orange juice is comin' out... Ha! Gotch—Huh? (Finn throws another rock in, paying no attention to her.)
Finn: Haha! Fionna! "Ker-ploop."
Fionna: Heh heh heh! "Ker-ploop."
Edana: Heeheeheehee! "CANNONBALL!"
Lumpy Space Princess: Not... gotcha?
(Finn throws another rock in the lake, and the rock stays on the lake's surface.)
(Finn throws a bunch more rocks in to determine which path to walk in. The quartet enters the cave opposite them. Sludge falls on Lumpy Space Princess.)
Lumpy Space Princess: Ugh! This place is plops, Finn!
Slime Princess: Sorry! Spring cleaning is messy, ya know!
Edana: I didn't know this was the Slime Kingdom!
Fionna: Apparently it is.
Finn: We can meetcha back at the tree house later if you want. (Continuing on) That weird light...
(The quartet eventually stops in front of a strange vortex.)
Lumpy Space Princess: Hey, Finn! Finn, my dress is slipping!!
Edana: Oh, shut up, already!
Finn: (Not paying attention) Huh? Listen, LSP, we've gotta be carefu—
Lumpy Space Princess: (Swinging around her "dress") Oooh, my dress...
Edana: Oh, come on! You know you're not naked!
(She drifts into the portal.)
Finn: No, LSP! It's not safe!
Edana: Ah, leave her be! At least we got rid of her!
(Lumpy Space Princess gets trapped in a room full of mirrors.)
Lumpy Space Princess: Heeeeeeey... (Noticing Finn in a mirror) Oh. Hey, Fiiiiinn...
(Finn and Fionna bang on the wall, while Edana sits back and watch.)
Finn: She's stuck in there!
Fionna: We gotta bust through this wall!
Edana: Why bother? She might have a secret evil agenda for all we care.
Finn: She's right. But it's not righteous!
(They attack the wall.)
Lumpy Space Princess: I knew you couldn't resist me, Finn. (The reflection of Finn takes off his hat revealing long, luscious hair.) Oh, lump. I took it too far! (The Mirror Finns reach out for Lumpy Space Princess) My powerful lumps have turned Finn into a grody monster! AAH, NO, AAAAAH!!! (Finn, Fionna, and Edana bust in just in time to defeat the shadow Finns.) OH, I CAN'T LOOK! (Opens one eye) Aah!
(The heroes finish defeating the shadow Finns and pant heavily.)
Finn: Those guys were...me.
Lumpy Space Princess: That was so crazy! What just happened?!
Finn: Oh. Uh, Bubblegum sent us on a quest to destroy these cursed mirrors. Evil stuff happens when you look into them.
Lumpy Space Princess: Oh, Glob... I had to look because I looked so good!
Finn: LSP... you don't need a mirror to know you look good. (Sheaths his sword and grabs Lumpy Space Princess's "dress".) You're beautiful on the inside. Like... your brain and stuff!
Lumpy Space Princess: Thanks for sayin' that stuff... and for saving me from those mirror-yous. That was pretty nice.
(Finn smiles. Scene shifts back to the Tree Fort.)
Lumpy Space Princess: Okay. Time to write. Gonna make this... trashy. Turtle Princess'll be all, (Immitating her) "Oh, my gosh! Number one best-seller!" Hah... Yeah. (She looks around with uncertainty and notices Finn sitting on a log outside.) (To Fionna) What's he doing out there?
Fionna: Sometimes, after an adventure, he likes to sit out there and think. (Goes upstairs)
(Lumpy Space Princess looks at Finn. Her cellphone rings ("Heeey, girl! He—") and she answers.)
Lumpy Space Princess: (Fearful) Hello?
Turtle Princess: Hey, girl. Are you almost done with your book?
Lumpy Space Princess: Oh... I'm working on it! I've been doing so much research!
Turtle Princess: Did Finn fall victim to your lumps?
Lumpy Space Princess: (Prevaricating) Um... yeah...
Turtle Princess: Great! Bring in your manuscript right away! Click! (Hangs up)
Lumpy Space Princess: (To herself) Yeah... A book about how I'm hot, and Finn only wants... He's so... hot. (Gasps in realization and has flashbacks of Finn from earlier moments in the episode.) ...Finn has the hottest lumps, but his lumps are on the inside! YAAAAGH!! (Pushes equipment off desk in frustration) HE'S GREAT!
(Lumpy Space Princess begins typing a new manuscript. As she's typing, it begins to rain, and Finn runs inside. In response, Lumpy Space Princess hurriedly gathers up her manuscript and leaves as Finn enters.)
Finn: Uh... Bye, LSP.
(Scene cuts to the Library. Turtle Princess reads the manuscript confused.)
Turtle Princess: This isn't what you said it'd be about...
Lumpy Space Princess: I know, I—
Turtle Princess: I LOVE IT!
Lumpy Space Princess: OH, MY GLOB!
(Turtle Princess makes the cover and titles the book "Internal Beauty." Billy screeches. Back at the Tree Fort, the rain clears, and Lumpy Space Princess returns.)
Lumpy Space Princess: Finn! You've probably been wondering where I've been for the last few hours!
Finn: Oh. Yeah! Yeah, I have.
Lumpy Space Princess: Finn... I was never really your secretary, Finn. I was writing a book about how you were a slave to my lumps because I'm so hot, Finn!!
Finn: Oh, we knew this whole time.
Edana: We thought you were working for an evil witch.
Lumpy Space Princess: But you're the one who's hot, Finn!!
Finn: Wow. Uh, thanks!
Lumpy Space Princess: No... thank you. (Goes over to a window and opens it to exit)
Fionna: LSP, YOU'RE WEARING GARBAGE FOR CLOTHES!!!!
Edana: AND FINN'S MY BOYFRIEND, NOT YOURS!!!!
Lumpy Space Princess: (Whisper) Gotcha... (Slowly exits and floats away from the tree house. Her floating falters for a moment as the episode ends.)