(At the top of the Tree Fort, Finn and Fionna watching, Jake eating a watermelon and Princess Bubblegum showing her latest invention.)
Princess Bubblegum: And so, through my experiments with cloud-seeding, I've invented... liquid pyrotechnics.
Jake: That's really cool, PB!
Princess Bubblegum: Aw, thanks, puppy.
Jake: Isn't it cool, guys?
(Princess Bubblegum looks at Finn)
Finn: (Stammering) Owwww-guh...
Princess Bubblegum: (Giggles)
(Finn makes an attempt to put his head on her lap, but she pushes him away)
Princess Bubblegum: Uh, Finn.
Finn: Oh dear, I wasn't thinking. I'm sorry.
Princess Bubblegum: No, it's fine, Finn. I'll...see you guys later.
(Princess Bubblegum leaves, with a tear clearly visible in her eye)
(Finn becomes heart-broken, suddenly the rain clouds came and it rained with thunder. Finn and Fionna go quickly inside the Tree Fort, while Jake leaves.)
Finn: Huh? Oh. (Finn and Fionna run inside away from the rain)
(Later, inside the house.)
Fionna: It's letting up. Hey, Finn, come on, let's go do something.
(Finn begins to sing a song: "All Gummed Up Inside")
Finn: (Sighs) I guess...I'll truly...never love again...
Fionna: Oh, Finn.... The Lemongrab thing has finally made you depressed.
(Fionna walks over to Finn and hugs him, but he doesn't do anything.)
Fionna: Oh...oh no. He's become catatonic. He's gone over the Despair Event Horizon.
(Fionna starts to cry, but then gets a sudden idea.)
Fionna: Finn, I'm going out for a quick.... walk in the woods.
Finn: (Makes a pained noise)
Fionna: BMO, you look after him with your camera-eyes.
BMO: If anyone tries to hurt Finn, I will kill them.
Fionna: Ok, good.
(Later, at the library.)
Fionna: OK, gotta do some research. OK, a princess Finn's age. And mine, for that matter. What is it again? Oh yeah, 14.
(Fionna starts a search using one of the computers. She tries Googling princesses in Ooo, but finds that they're all either too old, too young, or not humanoid enough for Finn.)
Fionna: Gah! It's no use! (Scene cuts to the computer monitor, which shows Phil Face Princess) And why would Glob be cruel enough to create THAT THING?! I mean COME ON! Why wasn't she snuffed at birth?! Also, SOCK PRINCESS? REALLY?!
Turtle Princess: Ssshhh.
Fionna: Sorry, Turtle Princess.
(Fionna sighs heavily)
Turtle Princess: Something troubling you, Fionna?
Fionna: Well, Finn's slipped into a depression over Princess Bubblegum.
Turtle Princess: DID SHE DIE?!
Library Patrons: SSSHHH!!
Turtle Princess: Oh, shush yourselves! It's my library, and my rules!
Fionna: Wow. Anyway, you probably heard about the power struggle in the Candy Kingdom a few months back.
Turtle Princess: Oh, that.
Fionna: I love Finn so much, and I want to help him. So I've set out on a quest to find a Princess that's about me and Finn's age of 14.
Turtle Princess: I think I know just the princess.
(Later, on a cliff overlooking the Fire Kingdom.)
Fionna: The Fire Kingdom. Not the first place I'd look.
Marceline: Hey Fionna! What are you doing here?
Fionna: Oh, hi Marceline. I'm on a quest to find a princess Finn and me's age.
Marceline: You've come to the right place, then. Flame Princess is 14.
Fionna: You know her?
Marceline: I'm one of the Flame King's associates. I think I can get you in.
(Author's Note: The Fire Kingdom, like Flame Princess, is totally revamped. You don't need a Flame Shield, and the throne room of the castle looks like any old throne room. Also, envision Flame King with Rob Paulsen's voice (in this case, his deep, evil voice) instead of Keith David's.)
(In the Flame King's court. Flame Princess (Fire Form) is off to the side of the throne.)
Fire Guard: My liege, you have visitors.
(Marceline enters with Fionna.)
Flame King: Ah, Marceline! Come in, come in!
Flame King: What brings you to the Fire Kingdom this fine day?
Marceline: It is a matter concerning your daughter.
(Flame Princess perks up)
Marceline: This is Fionna the Human, twin sister of Finn the Human. Fionna, present yourself.
(Flame King eyes Fionna with apprehension.)
Flame King: You...
Fionna: Um, yes, right. Your majesty, my brother Finn is currently suffering from depression after being rejected by Princess Bubblegum.
Flame King: Finn...the Butcher of the Fire Kingdom...
Flame Princess: Oh, my.
Flame King: Silence daughter!
(Fionna is taken aback by the Flame King's sudden outburst, and continues)
Fionna: Soooo I have taken it upon myself to find a princess his age, which is also my age.
Flame King: I forbid him to come! Don't think I don't remember you! You and that...that...SAVAGE destroyed the previous Fire Kingdom using Massive Ordinance Air Burst bombs! I swear, if he sets one foot in this kingdom, JUST ONE, HE WILL BE KILLED ON SIGHT!
Flame Princess: That's unfair!
Flame King: SILENCE! One more outburst and I'll send you to the dungeon!
Fionna: Wow, you are a horrible father! That's no way to treat your daughter!
Flame King: I'm not mistreating her! I'm simply making her a bitter person, like me, so that one day, she can lead the Grand Army of the Fire Kingdom towards world domination!
Fionna: You two went to Wizard Battle, right?
Flame King: Yes, and that Ice King cheated against Flame Lord! Though to be fair, I really liked how you and Finn broke the mold and won with telekinesis. I'm a three-time winner myself. Still doesn't change the fact I'm going to kill you both!
Flame Princess: That tears it! I've just about had it with you!
Flame King: Who? Me?
FP: Yes, you!
Flame King: What did I ever do to you?!
FP: You're trying to turn me into a female version of you! I don't want to be evil! I'm not like that! I want to be a hero and defend the weak!
Fionna: That's what me and Finn do!
FP: That settles it! I'm leaving and never coming back! And if I do come back, it'll be to liberate this kingdom and install a democratic form of government, starting with killing YOU.
Flame King: OH NO YOU DON'T! Guards, take my daughter to the dungeon for treason! And also take the human to the dungeon for association with the Goblin Kingdom. You will both be executed tomorrow morning.
FP: Execute ME?!
Flame King: Yes, YOU. It's clear that you're...defective. Take them away!
FP: You'll never take me, you clinking clanking clattering collection of collagenous junk!
Flame King: Is that a reference to my armor?
Flame King: Oh. Well, uh, first of all, that insult could've used some work, and second of all, the pain and humiliation I feel daily are immense. For someone like you to, cut, someone like me deeper- well, you must have problems yourself, daughter. So I feel bad for yoU AND HOW DARE YOU SAY THAT TO ME!!! I'LL MAKE YOU REGRET THOSE WORDS!!!!
FP: Sure, you can make me pay for that Wizard of Oz reference. BUT YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO CATCH ME FIRST!
(FP blasts the guards who are coming to take her away, as well as Fionna's arrestors.)
Marceline: I'm, uh, just gonna leave...
Flame King: Oh, no you don't! You have betrayed me by causing this rebellion in my court! You, too, shall die with them! It's like my father always said, never trust a vampire!
(Marceline pulls out her Axe-Bass.)
Marceline: So be it.
(Marceline brutally attacks multiple Flame Guards.)
FP: Quick, run Fionna! I'll hold them off!
FK: Follow the human! Track her every movement!
FP: Belay that order!
Flame Guard: We no longer take orders from you, traitor!
FP: YOU ARE THE TRAITORS! NOW YOU SHALL DIE LIKE TRAITORS! AAAAAAAHHHHH!!!!!!
(Fionna runs home as fast as her feet will carry her; at last she arrives at the Tree Fort)
Fionna: FINN! FINN!
Fionna: Finn! You gotta get up! An attack on our home is imminent!
Finn: An attack?!
(Finn suddenly bolts up and gets his Demon Blood Sword. He tosses Fionna her's.)
Finn: Who's attacking us? I'll bet it's Lemongrab!
Fionna: No, worse! The Grand Army of the Fire Kingdom might be coming!
(Meanwhile, back in the Fire Kingdom, Marceline holds of Fire Soldiers to let FP (still Fire Form) escape.)
Marceline: Flame Princess, go!
FK: Close the gates!
(The gates close, but FP slips through them easily since she's pure fire.)
FK: Huh. Not one of my best ideas. And as for you--and she's left, as well. Darn. Was really looking forward to a guitar battle with her. I wasn't actually gonna kill her. Naw, I'd cop it from her boyfriend. General! Assemble the troops! Tonight, the last known humans in Ooo shall fall!
(FP starts running as fast as she can. All of a sudden, it starts to rain. FP collapses and is forced to change to her Humanoid Form. She then drags herself to the Tree Fort, and weakly knocks.)
Finn: Who's at the door? IS IT THE FIRE ARMY?!
Fionna: Finn, if it was, they wouldn't be knocking...weakly...on the doooooOOORRR!!! OH NO! FINN OPEN THE DOOR!
(Finn opens the door to find FP (Humanoid Form) lying helplessly on the doorstep.)
Finn: It's a girl...
Fionna: That must be her! She probably changed to a different form because of the rain. Get her in, quick!
(Finn wastes no time pulling FP in. He sets her on the couch, with worry all over his face.)
Finn: Fionna, when did this start?
Fionna: Well, first I went to the library to do research about a princess your age, then Turtle Princess directed me to the Fire Kingdom after I found some...unsavory princesses on Google, then Marceline took me to the Flame King's court, then Flame Princess started feeling sorry for you and then it escalated quickly.
Finn: This is the weirdest night of my entire life. And I can tell it'll only get weirder.
(Flame Princess come around)
FP: Whuh...where am I?
Fionna: You're at our place, Princess.
FP: You...you are Finn. I've been waiting for this moment.
Finn: You have?
FP: Yes. I've watched you and Fionna from afar for two years now. I saw how you fought at Wizard Battle.
Finn: With the whole "first wizards to use telekinesis to win" thing?
Finn: Fionna told me you were...feeling sorry for me. Is it true?
FP: Yes. In watching you, I saw your love for Princess Bubblegum. When she became 18 again, you were devastated, and I thought about intervening. But my father always sends Fire Guards to ensure I don't fall in love with anyone non-Fire Person. And the Fire Kingdom, OH the Fire Kingdom! You don't know what it's like in the Fire Kingdom. My father, the Flame King, wants me to be an evil mastermind, and expects me to lead the Grand Army of the Fire Kingdom in the conquest of the world. Well, what's left of it, anyways. I mean, there's that big crater that a large amount of magma could fill in. But I don't want to be evil! I want to be a hero who defends those who can't defend themselves!
Finn: That's what me and Fionna do.
FP: I don't even want to be royalty! I just want to live a normal life, like any other person! But nooooo! My father wants me to be a dictator and "Finish where Russia started!" IT'S UNFAIR! WHY MUST MY FATHER BE SUCH AN ABUSIVE DICTATOR?! WHY MUST HE ABUSE ME AND TREAT ME LIKE I'M FROM THE NIGHTOSPHERE?! WHY?!
(FP starts bawling into one of the couch's pillows; A tear comes to Finn's eye)
Fionna: Go for it, Finn. Embrace her.
Finn: Should I?
Fionna: This is your chance.
Finn: For what?
Fionna: ...to love again.
Finn: You...you're right. This is my chance to move on from the Lemongrab Incident. From Princess Bubblegum.
(Finn sits on the couch and hugs FP)
Finn: Shhhh, it's OK. You're here away from all that.
FP: *Sniff* They'll surely come finding me.
Finn: I'm sure we can handle him. From this day forward, I swear no harm will come to you.
(FP hugs Finn back)
FP: Th-thank you, Finn.
(Fionna looks out the window and is horrified at what she sees)
Fionna: Guys, they're coming!
Finn: Stay here, FP. Me and Fionna will handle this.
FP: I'm coming with you.
Finn: It's too dangerous.
FP: They can't hurt me. I'm impervious to fire.
Finn: Alright. Just be careful.
FP: Don't worry about me. Now all that combat training my dad forced upon me comes in handy!
(The Fire Kingdom Army comes to a halt just yards from the Tree Fort)
FK: Attention inhabitants of the tree! We know my daughter is with you! You will hand her over NOW! Either way, you die!
Finn: She won't go with you, you empty-headed animal food trough wiper! I fart in your general direction! Your mother was a hamster, and your father smelled of elderberries!
(Fionna, FP, and the Fire Soldiers all laugh)
FK: SILENCE! My father did smell like elderberries, but that's beside the point! I've waited long for this moment. The lives you ended with the launch of those MOABs back at the Goblin Kingdom will be avenged! Tonight, my powers will once again taste human blood!
FK: Daughter! Good! You are behind enemy lines! There's hope for you yet! Do it! KILL THE BUTCHER OF THE FIRE KINGDOM!
FK: What? YOU BETTER DO IT OR YOU WILL DIE WHERE YOU STAND WITH THEM!
FP: No! I'm tired of you trying to mold me in your own image! As of...5 seconds ago, I officially reject the Fire Kingdom crown! NOW AND FOREVER!
(FP takes her crown off her head and throws it to the ground, smashing it underfoot)
FP: And my name isn't Flame Princess, it's Edana, my true name! One day, I shall come back. Yes, I shall come back. Until then, make the most of your life, fireplace, because the day I return to the Fire Kingdom is the day it becomes a democracy!
FK: You...my own daughter...supporting the corrupt American system of government...YOU WILL DIE FOR YOUR INSOLENCE!
(Insert epic fight scene with slapstick and fart jokes here)
FK: GAH! I've lost so many men! You win this round, but we'll be back, AND WITH A BIGGER AND BETTER ARMY!
Fionna: Yeah, right! Who's gonna want to fight for you now that you've led over three million Fire People to their deaths?
FK: How did you...
Fionna: Uh, lucky guess?
FK: Ohohoh, you're good. You're very good. But, you won't be good when next we meet! I swear it! And next time, you won't like the surprises I have waiting in the wings!
(Back inside the Tree Fort)
Finn: Where are you going to go now?
FP (Humanoid Form): I was hoping I could...live with you two?
Finn: Of course you can, Flame Princess.
FP: Please, call me by real name, Edana.
Finn: Sounds fine by me-WAIT A MINUTE! Edana? That's the name of the person who left this note here when me and Fionna found this place two years ago.
Edana: That was me, Finn. I was the reason you and Fionna got this place back from Marceline. And like I said, I've watched over you two for the past two years, subtly influencing events in your favor. Call me a guardian angel. A flawed, slightly messed-up, guardian angel. I mean, I'm a wreck. Not Evangelion levels, but still a wreck, prone to fits of anger, but never at those I'm close to. And, Finn?
(Finn and Edana hug, and the episode/season ends)