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[The episode begins with two candy helicopters hovering above Finn, Fionna, Edana, Jake, and Princess Bubblegum, who are hiding behind a Banana Guard barricade in front of a candy store in the Candy Kingdom. Inside the building is a cookie, holding several candy people hostage and walking around with a cudgel. He squints through the glass doors.]
Cookie: [muttering] Donkin' Princess...
Princess Bubblegum: [through a megaphone] Okay, okay. How about I give you a big cowboy hat? Then will you let the hostages go?
Cookie: [exits store] No... no! [brandishing cudgel] Don't play games with me, Princess. I want that crown. No crown, no hostages.
Princess Bubblegum: Well, obviously that's going to be a problem, because I'm the princess and I need my crown. So...
Cookie: No, Princess! You are problem—the problem princess! [beat] Just gimme that crown! [goes back inside]
Jake: Why does he want your crown anyway, Princess?
Finn: Yeah, what's his beef?
Princess Bubblegum: I don't know, guys—he's crazy. He's left me no choice. I'm sending in the banana guards. It's about to turn crazy nasty. [raises a walkie-talkie to her ear] Hello. Captain Banana Guard?
Edana: No, wait! If word gets out that you used military force to rescue hostages, the Candy Kingdom would be subject to major sanctions from the Council of Ooo Royalty! You would have a depression and a massive uprising on your hands!
Princess Bubblegum: Edana, that's not going to happen--
Edana: Yes it will! I read about it in third grade!
Princess Bubblegum: I'm doing it anyway, sanctions or no sanctions.
Jake: [taking the phone] Wait a second, Princess. Why don't me and Finn just sneak in there incognito and neutralize the threat, old-fashioned spy guy-style?
Princess Bubblegum: Hmm. Okay, but if you guys aren't out of there by [points to her watch] 4:00, I'm sending in the guards. With guns.
Jake: [to Finn] Okay, I was thinkin' I could [shape-shifts to look like a mailman] dress up like a mailman.
Finn: Yeah. Yeah, and I could wear all black and I could be like, you know, like, your shadow.
Princess Bubblegum: Hmm. I can't really see that working.
Jake: Yeah, the shadow thing might be pushin' it.
Princess Bubblegum: Oh, no-no-no, that part's fine. I was talking about you dressing up like a mailman.
Jake: What? But I always wanted to be a mailman.
Princess Bubblegum: Nah, you'd be messing with the natural order. In pre-war times, dogs always chased mailmen. You'd make a good a milkman, though. Let's get you a proper milkman outfit.
Fionna: Am I the only one who notices Goliad and Stormo are still having their psychic duel?
Edana: Just ignore them.
[Finn and Jake put on their respective disguises. Finn lies on the ground behind Jake, pretending to be his shadow.]
Jake: You ready?
Finn: Yeah. Let's bust it.
Edana: Be careful, Finn!
Fionna: If we hear fighting, me and Edana will come in, swords akimbo!
Finn: Oh, don't worry. I've watched enough TV to know how to deal with a hostage situation.
[They enter the candy store.]
Cookie: "Hello"?! Who the heck are you? [waving cudgel] I'm gonna smash your face.
Jake: Uhh, milkman, sir. I brought the milk—for the hostages, sir.
Cookie: Huh? Oh. I thought maybe you were a spy guy or somethin'. Go ahead, give everyone some milk, then get the math outta here.
Jake: Yes, sir. [starts passing out bottles of milk to the hostages] Milk, sir?
Finn: Psst! Get ready, Jake. When we get to the cookie, you throw some milk in his face and yell, "Alvin's hot juicebox. Alvin's hot juicebox." He'll be really confused, and that's when we grab him and take him into custody. And if he resists...eat him.
Jake: Dude, that's REALLY dark.
Finn: Look around you, Jake. Civil society is breaking down. Hostage-takers don't get due process anymore. And I'll be Nightosphered if I'll let this deed go without the proper punishment. THAT is how deposed I have become!
[Static is heard coming from Cookie's radio.]
Chipper: [over radio] Come in, Cookie. This is Chipper. Over.
Cookie: Go ahead, Chipper. Over.
Chipper: I'm too short to lock the back door. Over.
Cookie: Hold tight, Chipper. Chipler's on his way. [turns around and strains, popping a chocolate chip out of his back] You got that, Chipler?
Chipler: Affirmative. [jumps away]
Jake: Did you hear that?
Finn: Yeah. Change of plans—I'll go take care of those chips. You keep the cookie distracted.
Jake: Yeah. I can do that.
Finn: Okay, awesome.
[Finn scoots along the floor toward the back of the store as Jake continues handing out milk.]
[Meanwhile, back outside.]
Princess Bubblegum: Let's see...maybe we can minimize the PR fallout by using stun guns--
Fionna: Oh, glob! I just realized something!
Princess Bubblegum: What would that be?
Fionna: So, you know the gem in your crown, right?
Princess Bubblegum: Yeeeaaaaaahhhh....
Fionna: The cookie wants your crown...
Princess Bubblegum: Where is this going?
Fionna: Tell me: what can your crown protect you from?
Princess Bubblegum: Protect me? Wait a minute--THE LICH!
Edana: That cookie must be working for The Lich so he can mind-control you!
Princess Bubblegum: That does it! I'm resorting to force! Uh, Edana, would there be any PR fallout now?
Edana: When it comes to Lich business, there would be zero-fallout.
[Back in the candy store.]
Jake: Milk? Milk? [approaches Cookie] Milk? [sits next to him] Some milk?
Cookie: What? Oh. Look, you should probably split, buddy. Things are about to get pretty flipped out in here.
Jake: Oh, sure. Sorry, man. I was just trying to get away from that rotten Princess Bubblegum for a while, y'know? Isn't she just the worst?
Cookie: Wait, you hate Princess Bubblegum, too? Get outta here!
Jake: Oh, yeah, man, she's the worst. Sittin' out there all safe and cozy while I'm riskin' my life tootin' around in here in this stupid milkman costume.
Cookie: [beat] Wait—costume?!
Jake: Oh, um... I just mean it feels like a costume... 'cause I wanted to be a mailman so bad, ya see? But the princess—she made me be a milkman anyway.
Cookie: Boy, I hear ya, brother.
Chipolina: [over radio] Cookie, you there? Over.
Cookie: Yeah. Go ahead, Chipolina. Over.
Chipolina: I just saw a light go on in the stock room—probably nothing. I'll check it out. Over.
Cookie: Okay. Over.
[Chipolina is shown entering the stock room. A lit nightlight is in the standing middle of the room. She looks around.]
Chipolina: Hmm. [walks up to it] [to radio] Looks like a false alarm, Cookie. It's just some kid's Baby Snuggleghost nightlight. Hee-yah! [kicks it away]
[Finn is seen on the ceiling above Chipolina. He drops down.]
Finn: [as he falls] Alvin's hot juicebox! Alvin's hot juice— [lands on Chipolina and eats her] I'm such a chip off the old block! [beat] Oh Glob, that was terrible.
[Scene changes back to Jake and Cookie.]
Jake: So what's your story, man? How'd she doodie on you?
Cookie: [sighs] I was just a kid, man, just a little kid, when I got doodied on.
[Flashback begins, showing several candy children lying around in a room with cracks in the walls.]
Cookie [voiceover]: I was the new guy at the Candy Orphanage. They called me Baby Snaps. I tried to make friends with the other kids...
Baby Snaps: [dancing] C'mon, guys, let's dance it up!
Cookie: They were always too depressed to play.
Candy Child: No, no. We're too depressed.
[Baby Snaps stops dancing and sits on the couch, depressed.]
Cookie: Things went on like that for a while, then... one day... [Peppermint Butler opens the door to the orphanage for 13-year old Princess Bubblegum] she showed up. [The candy orphans laugh and dance around the chair in which Princess Bubblegum is sitting and reading "Baby Whoozlefut & the Wuttlebugs" aloud.] Everything was different.
Young Princess Bubblegum: ...a thunderous cheer [turns page] as Baby Whoozlefut...
Cookie: Everything was-was better with her around. And something inside me changed that day, too. And then later she told me I could be anything I wanted.
Young Princess Bubblegum: Anything your sweet heart desires!
Cookie: And I told her I wanted to be a princess like her, so I could make all the children happy.
Baby Snaps: [on Young Princess Bubblegum's lap] I wanna be a princess like you!
Young Princess Bubblegum: [stifles a giggle]
[Baby Snaps' smile changes to a shocked frown.]
Cookie: And she laughed in my face, man! It really messed me up.
[Flashback ends and Cookie is now crying silently.]
Jake: Yeah, but, maybe she didn't realize how much it meant to you.
Cookie: [stands up] No, she just wants to hog all the princessin' for herself! [to radio] All chips, report in. It's time to get real! Over. [no response] Chips. Chips. Over. [no response] Chips! Where are my chips?! Chipolina! Chipler! Chipton! Chipper! Is anyone there?! Chipface? Something happened to my chips! [smashes radio on the ground] AAAAH! [pants heavily] I'm about to flip out, man... and take that crown! I'LL BASH THAT GLOB-FORESAKENED *BLEEP*'S FACE IN! I'LL-I'LL-I'LL USURP HER POWER AND GO TO WAR WITH THE ICE KINGDOM!!!!
Ice King: [off-screen] Yo, leave me out of it!
Jake: Whoa, whoa, wait! It doesn't have to be like this! You don't need that crown. You don't need ultimate power or to bring down Ice King. You could start over, man. You can start a new kingdom—your own kingdom... where everyone can be whatever they wanna be. I can be the mailman... and you? You can be the princess. And—
Cookie: My own kingdom?
Jake: Yeah, man.
Cookie: I... I'd like that.
Jake: Okay, then. Just sit tight, Princess. I'll get us outta here. [walks to the front of the store and waves through the glass doors.] Hey! Hey! I'm comin' out!
Princess Bubblegum: What?
[Jake walks out through the doors toward her.]
Princess Bubblegum: Jake? Jake, what's going on? Where's Finn? Where are the hostages?
Jake: Don't worry, Princess. It's okay now. Princess Cookie's gonna go away. You just gotta give him a horse to escape with and he'll go.
Princess Bubblegum: Right... and then you and Finn hunt him down and put him in the dungeon.
Jake: No, wait. He said he'd go away forever. Can't we just let him go?
Princess Bubblegum: No. That cookie is a minion of The Lich. He just wants my crown so The Lich can mind-control me and bring about the end of the world. Once the hostages are safe, Cookie goes in my stomach.
[Scene changes to Jake and Cookie exiting the candy store. Cookie is carrying the marshmallow hostage and holding his cudgel to its head.]
Cookie: Oh, boy! Would ya look at that?
[A strange candy horse is shown. Around its waist is a banana guard-esque band and protruding from its belly is Ice King's hand. Princess Bubblegum and a banana guard are standing next to it. Nearby, Fionna and Edana hold their swords in ready position.]
Princess Bubblegum: Okay, well... she's all yours!
Cookie: Hot diggity! [starts walking toward it]
Jake: [holds him back] Ah-ah-ah! Man, that horse ain't no good; that's a trap horse.
[The horse's pupils dilate and its tongue sticks out.]
Ice King: Why am I here again?
Fionna: [whispering] Community service.
Jake: Huh? Fionna and Edana! You traitors!
[Jake punches Fionna in the face and disarms both girls; Fionna goes ballistic.]
Fionna: YOU ARE THE TRAITOR! I'LL KILL YOU, JAKE! I'LL KILL YOU!!!!!
[Edana restrains Fionna in a Full Nelson.]
Edana: Woah, woah, woah! Fionna! Chill! CHILL!
[Banana Guards begin swarming the scene.]
Ice King: This looks like a bad scene. I'd better get out of here. [flies away]
Cookie: What are we gonna do?
Jake: It's okay, man, I'm Jake. J-J-J-Jingo Jango! [stretches into a horse underneath Cookie, lifting him onto his back]
Cookie: Whoa! Ha HA! You're magic!
[Jake jumps toward some banana guards, toppling them as Cookie laughs. Jake then jumps over the wall of the Candy Kingdom.]
Princess Bubblegum: After them! Bring the traitor Jake to me!
[Finn appears in Jake's shadow and hops onto Jake's back behind Cookie, unbeknownst to the latter. Jake moves his face between Finn and Cookie to talk to Finn.]
Finn: Jake! What are you doing?! What happened to the plan?
Jake: New plan—I'm gonna help Princess Cookie escape.
Finn: What? You...you traitor! Fionna and Edana told me he's one of The Lich's minions!
Jake: No, man, Princess Cookie's a good guy. He just got dealt a bad hand. He's only trying to be what following how his dreams make you want to be, man!
Finn: Likely story!
Jake: You're either with us or against us.
Finn: Against! [pulls out Demon Blood Sword] When you both see Hunson Abadeer, tell him Marceline's friend Finn said "hello".
[Jake punches Finn off]
Finn: I'LL KILL YOU, YOU FILTHY ANIMAL! YOU AND THAT MINION OF THE LICH! RUSSIA WILL NEVER RISE AGAIN!!!!
[Several banana guards are seen chasing after them with M-4 Assault Rifles.]
Banana Guard: We can head them off at the gorge! Stay on them!
[Meanwhile, with Finn.]
Fionna: Finn! There you are! What happened?
Finn: Jake is aiding and abating the cookie!
Edana: I knew it! We've gotta do something!
Fionna: All we can do is hunt them down and kill them both.
Finn: I knew Jake was always a bit off-kilter, but this...this takes the cake. I hate him!
Fionna: Me too!
Edana: I ain't no hater!
Finn: That's...pretty good progress, Edana.
Edana: It is? It is!
[Cookie and Jake cross a shallow river.]
Cookie: [still laughing]
Jake: Hold on tight, Cookie! I'm gonna jump the gorge!
[A ravine is shown ahead of them. Cookie's smile disappears.]
Cookie: No, Jake. Stop the horse.
Jake: [still running at full tilt] I can make it!
[Cookie pulls on Jake's skin like reins, causing Jake to fall and throwing Cookie towards the edge of the ravine. Jake shape-shifts back to normal (with the exception of his hind legs) and runs over to Cookie.]
Jake: Princess Cookie! Are you all right?
Cookie: I'm done for, Jake.
[The banana guards get closer.]
Jake: No, everything's gonna be fine. I won't let them put you in the dungeon. Just let me talk to them. [runs off]
Cookie: No, Jake.
[Jake stops and turns back.]
Cookie: Thank you for your help, but it's too late for me. [stands up] And even if you do talk to them, you've already been branded a traitor. Heck, I've been branded a minion of The Lich. I hate that guy!
[The banana guards are shown crossing the river.]
Cookie: I'll never be a princess. At least for a moment, you helped me feel like a princess. It was wonderful. [sheds a tear] Thank you, Jake.
[Cookie takes a step back and a piece of dirt crumbles under his foot and falls into the ravine.]
Jake: Careful, Princess!
Cookie: You know what? It's funny, but you sort of remind me of a mailman I used to know.
Jake: [softly] I do?
Cookie: Yep. [lets himself fall backwards into the ravine]
Jake: [looks over the ledge] Princess!
Finn: YOU! You are in so much trouble, you traitor!
Jake: No, wait! You gotta believe me! He just wanted to be a princess!
Edana: LIAR! You're with him! You were gonna join The Lich's side!
Jake: I hate The Lich! And so does Princess Cookie.
Finn: So, he was gender-confused?
Edana: Makes sense.
Fionna: Let's not hate Jake anymore, shall we?
Finn: He still helped a criminal escape and WOW, THAT COOKIE IS FALLING REALLY SLOWLY.
[On the other side of the ravine, Magic Man is casting magic on Princess Cookie.]
Magic Man: MAGIIIIIIC!
Finn: Dude, why?
Magic Man: Meh. I'm bored. This looked like a good scene.