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(The episode begins with Ice King flying with Princess Bubblegum, cackling deviously.)
Finn: Hey, fart-face!!
Ice King: Huh?
Fionna: Yeah, over here!
Finn: Unhand Princess Bubblegum!!
Ice King: Foolish interlopers! Zah! (Fires ice magic at Finn)
Finn: (Evading it) Whoa! (Throws a snowball at him) Ah!
Ice King: Ee hee hee hee—OOH! (Gets hit by snowball) MY EYESIGHT!
Fionna: Go, Jake, go! He's disoriented!
(Jake forms his posterior into Princess Bubblegum's shape while Finn puts two rocks on it, representing her eyes. He replaces Princess Bubblegum with his posterior without Ice King noticing.)
Princess Bubblegum: Huh? Hee hee hee!
Fionna: Finn, you are so baaaaad!
Finn: Hey, Ice King! I bet you'll never kiss the princess!
Ice King: I will kiss her! I will! (To "princess") Hold still. (Kisses Jake's posterior) Mwah!
Finn: (Laughs) You just kissed Jake's butt!
Fionna: Ha, that slaps me on the knee!
Ice King: What?! (Jake reforms his posterior.) EEEEGH!! (The other four laugh.) (Flying away) The hour is yours, but the day shall be mine! Just like you, Princess—MINE!
Princess Bubblegum: What a patoot. Thanks for saving the day yet again, guys.
Finn: You're welcome, Princess. (She hugs him.) Uh... (He blushes, and Fionna and Jake raise their eyebrows, amused.)
Princess Bubblegum: I'm gonna throw you three a party. Meet at the Candy Kingdom—TONIGHT!
Fionna: That paper crane for Princess Bubblegum?
Finn: I just thought I'd bring 'er a gift... in return for throwing us this party.
Fionna: Even in these post-war times, an excellent piece of Japanese culture survives.
Jake: Heh. I bet you wish you were my butt.
Fionna: Are you going where I think you're going?
Jake: I bet you wish you were my butt, because then the princess would... No, wait... I bet you wish you were the Ice King and the princess was my butt!
Jake: Hmm... (Snapping) OH! I bet you wish Bubblegum would kiss you, too! Like the Ice King and my butt! Hahahaha!
Finn: That's ridiculous! (Finn imagines Princess Bubblegum kissing him, and he sighs contentedly.) Huh? Uggghhh!!(Jake runs ahead laughing.) What's so funny?
Fionna: You don't wanna know, Finn. You don't wanna know?
(Hard cut to the Candy Castle)
Peppermint Butler: Hey, everybody. Finn, Fionna, and Jake are here.
Jake: Who's ready to party?!
(The crowd seems focused on and gathered around something else. Finn and Fionna confusedly look at each other.)
Finn: What's everyone laughing at?
Wildberry Princess: Shh!
Ricardio: Stand back, everyone. This style of massage is called, "Best Friend Massage."
Lumpy Space Princess: Oh, my Glob...
Ricardio: Because it can only be done for friends. It is completely consensual.
Lumpy Space Princess: Oh, holy cow...
Ricardio: Relax yourself now, Lumpy Space Princess... YAH! (Backflips and pounds her)
Lumpy Space Princess: Oh! I feel so great!
Finn: Who is that guy?
(Fionna shrugs. A fanfare is heard and Princess Bubblegum enters.)
Banana Guard: Attention! Her Royal Highness, Princess Bonnibel H. Bubblegum, comes forth!
Princess Bubblegum: Greetings, party-goers! Glad you could all make it!
Finn: Princess Bubblegum! (Ricardio stares at her and he himself starts "beating" hard.) Princess. I just wanted to thank you for—
Lumpy Space Princess: (Cutting in) Oh, my Glob! PB, ya gotta check out this super cute guy. You're gonna love 'im. (They leave Finn and Jake.)
Lumpy Space Princess: This is... Oh. Oh, my Glob. I don't even know your name.
Ricardio: Ricardio. Ricardio at your service. I've been waiting all evening to meet you, Princess. (Kissing her hand)Mwah! (Finn pockets his gift, irritated.) I've heard you appreciate pre-war technology. Have you ever used the balbaflonic laser to align the hybernotalist rift in the bubaflon plasmodial formation?
Princess Bubblegum: Whoa! No, I haven't! (Music starts up; crowd moves to the dance floor.) Wanna continue this conversation on the dance floor?
Ricardio: (Exiting with her) It would be my pleasure, Princess.
Finn: Why didn't the princess invite me to dance?
Jake: If you wanna dance, just go dance!
Finn: But now she's dancing with him! Ah... I feel... weird!
Fionna: Finn, if I were in your position, but with Prince Gumball, I would feel weird, too. Speaking of which, where is PG?
(Loud clanging comes from off-screen)
Prince Gumball: GAH! Stupid pots! Why don't they keep these cubberts organized?!
Jake: Huh, it sounds like you're dealing with some new emotions you don't understand... like jealousy.
Fionna: Really, Jake?
Jake: Look, man, just go out there and get down! (Pushes him onto the dance floor)
Ricardio: (To Princess Bubblegum) —transmordial layers completely independent of the babylons. Eh?
Princess Bubblegum: Wow! That would mean that the babylons would fluctuate with the piranha-nanosphere!
Finn: Agh! (Goes back to Jake) They're talkin' about science, man! I can't compete with that!
Fionna: In a cosmic sort of way, I can. They seem to be talking about the creation of dark matter.
Jake: Do the Science Dance! Remember it? It was sorta like this. (Does it) Wah unh we ah eeh...
Fionna: Gah, not that stupid dance!
Finn: You think that'll work?
Jake: Yeah! Probably. (Pushes him back onto the dance floor) Do it, man! You're a pro!
Finn: (Dancing) Science Dance! Science Dance!
Ricardio: (Still talking with Bubblegum) —lower proximities to—
Finn: Science Dance! Hey, eh, Princess! Wanna hang?
Ricardio: Excuse me, Princess. You must excuse me. I have...business to attend to. (Exits)
Princess Bubblegum: Oh, uh... Alright! (To Finn) Finn, what the cabbage? I was learning about Zanoits!
Finn: (Prevaricating) Oh... I'm... into Zanoits! Th-They're the best!
Princess Bubblegum: Zanoits kill hundreds of thousands of Plantoids a year.
Finn: Oh, no, not the Plantoids!
Princess Bubblegum: Plantoids produce mellotoxin! (Finn stares.) Mellotoxin kills Zanoits!!
Finn: ...So are Zanoits... good things?
Princess Bubblegum: (Changing the subject) You're totally jealous of Ricardio.
Finn: No, I'm not. I just don't like the way he talks to you. It makes me feel weird.
Princess Bubblegum: That's jealousy, hun.
Finn: I'm not jealous! I'M WEIRD!!!
(The party notices Finn's scene.)
Flame Princess (Fire Form): (From back of the room, to herself): Boy, if I weren't under watch by Fire Soldiers, I'd intervene. All in due time, though. The day will come.
Jake: (To himself) Woof! Man... This is goin' bad. Hey, Finn. You gotta come help me slay these peanut monsters at the bar. It can't wait. (He and Finn are alone.) Wow, man, what happened out there?
Finn: Agh... I don't know! I was tryin' to warn 'er, but she twisted my words around and—
Jake: Yeah. Ladies are twisty, man. Bubblegum's super smart, too.
(Fionna joins in)
Fionna: Jake, once again, your advice is HORRIBLE!
Finn: Where were you, sis?
Fionna: Helping Gumball clean up the kitchen.
(Loud bang comes from off-screen)
Prince Gumball: GAH! FIONNA WAS RIGHT! NEVER USE WESTINGHOUSE PRODUCTS!
Fionna: I warned him. ALWAYS use General Electric products.
Finn: And I can't shake this weird feeling about Ricardio. I think he's... a villain.
Jake: Why? Is it because his face is so foldy and dramatic?
Finn: No! I can just feel it in my gut! He's up to something sinister!
Jake: Maybe what you feel is romantic rivalry.
Fionna: Jake, I feel very suspicious of this guy, too.
Finn: Me and Fi'll prove he's a villain!
(Scene shifts to outside in the Candy Kingdom. Finn, Fionna, and Jake are on a roof, and Finn is looking through binoculars.)
Finn: Heart-Man is arriving at destination! (Viewing Ricardio and Princess Bubblegum) They're talking!
Jake: Lemme see. (Gets binoculars) I can read their lips. (Mimicking Princess Bubblegum) "Hey, shorty, you should pick your boogers and then fart!" (Mimicking Ricardio) "You look kind of like a big pink baguette!"
Finn: (Taking back binoculars) Get serious, Jake!! This is life and death!
Jake: Is it? Don't get me wrong. I'm all about stakeouts and spying on this guy, but what if he's not a villain? What if he just looks wicked? Some people look wicked but are super nice.
Finn: We gotta trust our guts!
Fionna: Yeah, guts! I love you, guts.
Jake: (Grabbing gut) Hmm.
Finn: Heart-Man is mobile! Let's move out! (The three swing onto a Guardian of the Royal Promise.) I see 'im. He's holding rope and going into the trash. He's smashing bottles—and pretending to stab someone!
Jake: So... he's recycling... or what?
Fionna: Creating a sharp weapon, more likely.
Finn: (Takes off binoculars) I think your gut's a little naive, Jake. (Puts on binoculars) Holy moly! He's... he's with the Ice King! They're shouting something! (Ice King and Ricardio quarrel.) Ricardio is tossing him in the dumpster and running away!
Jake: So I was right! He is a good guy who's just cursed to look suspicious! (To gut) You and me, gut! Together forever! Solvin' crimes and makin' up rhymes!
Finn: No way. This proves he's a super-villain! As in, he beats up on lesser villains like the Ice King!
(Jake sings the Gut Song.)
Finn: Then it's settled! We're gonna confront Ricardio face-to-face and prove he's evil!
Jake: Or good!
Fionna: Or neutral. Nah, evil.
(Scene cuts to downtown in the Candy Kingdom. Ricardio walks deviously and accidentally runs into Finn.)
Finn: So what're you doin', Ricardio? Are you evil?
Jake: Or nice with an evil face?
Ricardio: That's none of your business.
Finn: The safety of Princess Bubblegum is my business!
Fionna: So give us the information or we'll call in our boys!
Ricardio: What boys?
Fionna: None. I just always wanted to say that.
Jake: Yeah, we just wanna know if you're evil or not.
Ricardio: Oh, yeah?
Finn and Fionna (In unison): Yeah.
Ricardio: Oh, yeah?
Jake: Yeah. (Slightly annoyed) Yes!
Finn: You stay away from Princess Bubblegum with all that stuff!
Ricardio: Now that my plan is nearly complete, there is no way you could stop me.
Finn: I could stop you if I wanted!
Ricardio: Oh, yeah?
Ricardio: Oh, yeah??
(Finn punches Ricardio, knocking him down. Princess Bubblegum enters.)
Princess Bubblegum: (Gasps) What's going on here?
Princess Bubblegum: Ricardio?!
Ricardio: (Weakly) Yes... I'm alright, Princess.
Princess Bubblegum: Finn... why'd you do it?
Finn: He was gonna hurt you with those ropes and bottles!
Princess Bubblegum: These were for our balbaflonic laser.
Ricardio: It's not all his fault, Princess. I might've looked a little threatening.
Princess Bubblegum: Finn... you shouldn't punch brainiacs. You know how fragile they are! You gotta stop this jealous business! Now get out of the Candy Kingdom and keep out until further notice before I put you and Fionna in the dungeon for assault and battery! And if you come back, I'll turn you over to the Anti-Human League
Fionna: Princess, that sounds dark, even for you.
Princess Bubblegum: Yeah, you're right. I get carried away sometimes.
Princess Bubblegum: C'mon, Ricardio. I'll patch you up and give you candy. (They exit.)
Finn: (Sigh) She hates me now. I was totally wrong about Ricardio.
Fionna: Time to begin planning to get back at her.
Fionna: Spread rumors, stir up unrest, it will all lead to civil war.
Finn: But what about Ricardio? He seems evil, but he's not.
Ice King: No, Finn! (Emerges from dark alleyway) You were not wrong. He is evil! (Collapses)
Finn: Ice King! What do you know about this? Tell me or we'll do something!
Jake: Hold up, Finn! The Ice King looks sorta damaged!
Finn: I don't care! I only care about Ricardio!
Ice King: But my enervated condition has everything to do with him. (Flashback begins; Ice King does voice-over) I was trying to cast a spell that would give me total control of Princess Bubblegum's heart! ...But I messed it all up... and lost control of mine. (Ricardio come's out of Ice King's chest in flashback. He runs towards the window laughing.) He planned to rip out Princess Bubblegum's heart... to make it his bride. And launch a campaign of world domination from there. And hunt down the last of the humans, including you two. (Ricardio sticks his tongue out and exits laughing.) Without my heart, I grew weak. (Ice King groans in flashback.) But I made my way to the Candy Kingdom to look for him. In an alleyway, I begged him to (In flashback, Ice King mouths these words as current Ice King says them) return to me and leave the princess alone. (Flashback ends.) But he threw me in the dumpster and left me for dead. (Reaching his hand out at Finn) Stop Ricardio!
Finn: (Slapping hand away) Agh! Come on, Fionna! Jake, stay here and watch over Ice King! (They run to the Candy Castle.) Gotta save the princess!
Fionna: Princess Bubblegum!!
Finn: Princess!! (Gasps)
Princess Bubblegum: Finn!! Fionna!!
(She is tied up in the rope from earlier and Ricardio is next to her with the broken bottle in his hand.)
Ricardio: You were right all along, Finn and Fionna! Now I'm going to cut out Princess Bubblegum's heart and make out with it! Then kill the two of you! Finally, the Domino Theory will be proven true! The last vestiges of corrupt Capitolism will be swept away!
Fionna: I knew it: A hard-lined ex-Soviet in a heart's body! He's probably even got nuclear weapons in his possession!
Finn: Not if I can help it!
(They chase Ricardio, and Ricardio ends up next to Bubblegum again.)
Ricardio: One step closer and I'll remove her heart, and launch every nuke I have in my control!!
Princess Bubblegum: Finn! I feel like a big idiot for doubting you! He was just so engaging! ...But his knowledge on plantoids is actually pretty weak.
Ricardio: Shut your mouth up, Princess! (Fionna knocks Ricardio down by throwing a boomerang at him.) I'm gonna smooch that heart!! It will be my bride!! And the world will be mine!!
Finn: Why don't you marry someone your own size?! Like my foot?! And go take over the Moon?!!
(Finn kicks him.)
Finn: And my fist?!
(Finn punches him twice.)
Ice King: (Crawling in) Stop! Stop it! That's my heart, you piece of—
Finn: Ice King. (Ice King crawls towards Ricardio.) Should we... let 'im take his heart back? He is... villainous...
Fionna: I don't wanna watch an old man die on Princess Bubblegum's carpet, bro. It's carpeting, too, and blood stains would just ruin it.
Ice King: Oh, yeah...
Ricardio: Wait! Wait! No! LENIN, SAVE ME!
Ice King: Come to daddy...
Ice King: Yeah, there you go... (Puts him in his chest) Like that? Huh?
Ricardio: (Sinking into chest) Seeee you guys laterrrr...
Ice King: (Reinvigorated) I feel wonderful! Hahaha! And now that I've saved the Princess, she'll marry me and live in my dungeon every day!
Finn: No, she won't!
Princess Bubblegum: Yeah, no, I won't!
Ice King: Yes you WILL! (He charges up his ice magic, but Finn kicks him. He begins flying away.) Well... maybe not today... or tomorrow... but another day! Another—(Accidentally knocks head on door frame. He grunts in pain as he exits.)
(Scene cuts to a dining room in the castle. Finn, Fionna, Jake, and Bubblegum are eating spaghetti.)
Princess Bubblegum: Thanks again for saving me... again.
Finn: (Mouth full) Don't mention it.
Princess Bubblegum: Now that Ricardio's gone, you don't have to be jealous of anyone anymore. (Winks)
Finn: I never get jealous.
Princess Bubblegum: (Romantically) Kiss me, Finn. (Finn blushes, astonished.) Ahem. (She is doing a hand-stand and wearing a Jake mask on her posterior. She uses a deeper voice.) I mean... kiss me, Finn. (Normal voice, whispering) Am I doing it right, Jake?
Fionna: JAKE, YOU IMBECILE! Why would you do that?!
(Loud explosion from off-screen; Prince Gumbal flies on-screen, blackened)
Prince Gumball: OK, Kenmore! Kenmore products are best! GE may have made good radioes, clocks, and diesel locomotives, but not stoves!
Princess Bubblegum: Why do you keep trying, Bubba?
Prince Gumball: I don't know. I really don't know. Guess I just wanna one-up the Catering Kingdom.