(The episode begins with what appears to be the Stag walking in a forest, crossing a train track.)
Magic Man: (Whistles towards the Stag) Hey, friend. Don't be afraid. I'm a gypsy child like you, running wild and crazy! (Laughter) (He suddenly looks in the sky, surprised) Hold on, wow... a falling star. Hm, it's too far though. (He pulls off his cloak, revealing who he really is and turns the Stag into a telescope)MAGIC! You're welcome. (He tries to get a good focus on the "star") Hm... oh... there... wait! (He realizes it is Grob Gob Glob Grod) Oh, Glob.
Gob: He's here somewhere, my brothers. Glob, can you see Magic Man on the sensor?
Glob: Yes, Gob. Our little brother is very close.
Grob: Hey, flip me!
Glob: Okay. (Glob flips Grob's head on the front)
Grob: I'm gonna activate the thingy that drains his magic juice. (Activates the device)
(Magic Man is seen glowing and in pain, along with dropping the telescope)
Magic Man: '(Groans) My juice! (Wiggling fingers) Not... flowing... right...! Dream on, honey! You can't catch this! (He starts running then jumps into the air doing a continuous somersault) Magic, away! (Disappears momentarily ("Pshewww!") then reappears falling to the ground) Whoops!
Grob: I think I see him.
Grod: Yes, I see him as well.
Glob: Hey, guys?
Other heads: What, Glob?
Glob: ...Nothing, never mind.
(Magic Man pants as he runs away. The scene cuts to Finn, Fionna, and Edana walking through the forest.)
Fionna: Wait, wait! (Stops) Shh, shh, shh! Shush!
Finn: I wasn't...
Fionna: You hear that? (Long beat) It was totally silent for, like, a whole second!
Finn: Huh. Oh, yeah! Cool.
Edana: *Sighs* Bliss.
Jake: Sometimes, we get so wrapped up battling stuff, we forget the-
(Magic Man runs straight into the trio, knocking himself and them down. Grob Gob Glob Grod is still in pursuit.)
Magic Man: (Groans) (Noticing Grob Gob Glob Grod) Aah! (Noticing Fionna) Ooh! Waaa-zoo! (Turns Fionna into a copy of himself as Finn awakens, then turns into Fionna himself)
Edana: Who the heck are you?!
Magic Man (as Fionna): Sh. (Throws rocks to knock out Finn and Edana, then he pretends to be asleep next to them)
Grob Gob Glob Grod: Arise. (Raises Fionna, who is a copy of Magic Man) Magic Man. You caused nothing but turmoil and chaos to us on Mars. We hoped banishing you to this world would help you see alike to our Utopian supersociety. Now, tell us, what have you learned in these past two hundred years?
Fionna (as Magic Man): Are you guys talking to me?
Glob: You know you made life on Mars a nightmare!
(Finn wakes up)
Gob: Now we must return you to Mars, where vengeance awaits thee.
Finn: That's not-
(Grob Gob Glob Grod blasts off with Fionna)
Finn: Magic Man! Get UP! NOW! Don't make me bring in Gork and friends!
Magic Man (as Fionna): Did it work? Is he gone?
Finn: (backflips) Hee-yup-hoop! They took my sister to Mars! Fly me there and help me save him!
Edana: Do it, or I'll burn your sorry little butt!
Magic Man: (rather sarcastically) Oh I'm sorry but I can't. See? (wiggles fingers) The transfer drained me. I can probably barely float. (floats) So, I just gotta wait till they kill your sister! See ya! (runs away laughing stupidly)
(Finn jumps on his back)
Finn: What do you mean, KILL?
Edana: As in, figuratively?
Magic Man: They're gonna put her on trial for my crimes! Ain't nobody gonna pardon these crimes on my head. Not even the King of Mars! And once she's dead my magic juice will return to my body. Flowin through me like moonlight through the ghost dance.
(Finn squeezes Magic Man around the middle, still holding on)
Magic Man: I wish I could help. Except I don't!
Finn: You succubutt!
Edana: I have the right mind to kill you, Magic Butt!
Magic Man: C'mon, let's go to my house. C'MON, LET'S GO TO MY HOUSE!! (flies Finn and Edana through the air, straining)
(They arrive at the house, which is a wreck)
Finn: How long have you had this house?
Magic Man: Yes, that is true!
Edana: That doesn't answer our question!
(they go inside)
Finn: Well, I bet there's something in here that could help us save Jake.
Edana: Maybe a rocket ship?
Magic Man: There is, but you'll never make it work.
Finn: What?! Where is it? (begins kicking aside garbage frantically)
Magic Man: I don't know! Have you seen my trash palace? (peels wallpaper)
Edana: Hey, that's perfectly good quarter-inch molding!
Finn: Yeah, what's the deal? This place is wrecked. Eeeew, ew! What am I stepping in??
Magic Man: That's where I blow my nose all day!
Magic Man: Yes, welcome to my tower of light! Everyone is welcome to share this magic kingdom. Squirrels, black mold, worms, poison ivy... Tiny manticore!
Tiny manticore in bottle: Help me, you coward!
Finn: Magic Man, what is your deal for real?
Edana: Are you working for a Communist?
Magic Man: You tell me.
Finn: Well, for one, I think this house is a reflection of your sick brain. (takes a photo of Magic Man with an unknown woman off the wall) Look at this. Yuk. Who's this you're standing with in this picture?
Magic Man: (singing) Memories drift in and out of my mind... And the little people get left behind... So whatever!!
Finn: ...all right. (tosses picture) Well, I'm gonna keep digging through this stuff til I find what you're talking about. Edana, you stand watch and make sure he doesn't try anything funny!
Edana: Yes sir!
Magic Man: It's downstairs.
Edana: What is? The bodies of those you killed, you psychopath?!
Magic Man: My special thing. (jumps over to wall and puts his hand in a crack and moves it around, hurting his hand) Whoa! Aaaaagh!
Finn: Holy crepes.
Edana: Crepes are good.
Magic Man: Aah! (wall opens) Tada! C'mon. (They exit through the open wall) That's the thing. My special thing.(points to odd machine) A Martian transporter.
Finn: This can take us to Mars?!
Magic Man: Yeah. My brothers gave it to me when they banished me to earth. They thought I'd learn love and use it to go back home.
Finn: How does it work?
Magic Man: You put your hands on those thingies and think stuff about people. (Finn and Edana do so) But it's broken! Hasn't worked in 200 years.
Finn: But... It has to work. It has to. (closes eyes) For Fionna. (transporter lights up and starts working)
Magic Man: Huzzah??
Finn: YAAAH!(is rocketed through the roof into outer space) WHOOOOOOAAA!!! (arrives on Mars, sees a huge dome with Grob Gob Glob Grod, Fionna, and Abraham Lincoln in it.)
Edana: Finn, I do believe you are the first person on Mars!
Finn: Air seems breathable. Those pre-war encyclopedias truly are outdated like PB said.
Edana: Finn, look!
Gob: Citizens of Mars, King of Mars... (Abe Lincoln raises his hand) Today the most notorious fiend in Martion history stands before us-- Magic Man.
Finn: (reaches the dome and looks in) Stop! (climbs up the side; Edana closely follows)
Gob: Turn on the dark. (it grows darker and they project a blank screen on the wall) Okay, so we don't have footage of these crimes. But Grod's pretty good at drawing, so...(Grob draws and Gob narrates) Plague of shadows. Magic Man brought our shadows to life. They attacked us, and ravaged Mars. Very impressive, Grod.
Grod: Thanks bro.
Gob: To the plague of the oneness. As we gathered to hold hands and sing our community song, Magic Man cast an evil spell that made our arms grow together. Much suffering ensued. And what about that one time when he turned all the water into hair, and we all got so thirsty we drank it? And when we drank it we went bald! Many of us did not recover and to this day, hide our losses behind groovy headgear. (touches his headgear) And without water, the humans never discovered evidence of life before the Third World War. Dark off please. (it grows light again)
Abraham Lincoln: Magic Man, it bums me out to see this. I remember when you were really cool, before that night you spent on Olympus Mons with Margles.
Finn: (reaches the top of the building) Aw, man. (taps the dome) Force field.
Edana: I thought force fields only deflected lasers, not physical objects.
Finn: Edana, you've been playing too much Star Wars: Empire at War, haven't you?
Edana: Call it a guilty pleasure.
Abraham Lincoln: What happened, Magic? Why did you go crazy? If you had just learned to care about living things again, you could have come back whenever you wanted!
Fionna: (as Magic Man) Well, you guys are missing some important details. I'm Fionna the Human! Listen! MY VOICE GIVES ME SUPER-STRENGTH!
Abraham Lincoln: You sad Magic Man. Instead, you bummed around Ooo, acting like a jerk for 200 years.
Fionna: Yeah, that's true, except I'm not Magic Man!
Abraham Lincoln: Now! Ready the Wand of Despersement!
Grob Gob Glob Grod: Ready.
Abraham Lincoln: Space Dome, open!
(the dome splits open with Finn and Edana on it)
Finn & Edana: Oh snap. (falls off)
Abraham Lincoln: Magic Man, I give you two choices. One is total annihilation. The wand will touch you, and your soul will meet with Death. The second is to use the power of the wand to convert your body to living stardust, where your congenence will be chosen into the infinite cosmos, in an infinite journey of wonder, and DISCOVERYYYYYY!!!!!
Fionna: Whoa. That second one sounds pretty cool. I mean, yeah. I'm way into that. Except...oh...I would really miss my brother. His name is Finn, and I think it would mess him up if I wasn't around.
Abe Lincoln: Wait. Did you say you would miss someone?
Abe Lincoln: And that someone would miss you?
Finn: Yeah that's ME you dishrags! (he comes running and throws a chair at Grob Gob Glob Grod, hitting him and making him drop the wand, which accidently touches Jake, who screams in pain as he dies and turns back into himself. The scene cuts to Magic Man who is also back to normal, powers and all.)
Magic Man: I win again, just like always!
Finn: (runs to Fionna's body and picks it up) Fionna! No! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!
Abe Lincoln: Finn? Is that you?
Finn: YEAH IT'S ME, MR. I-CAUSED-THE-CIVIL-WAR!
Abe Lincoln: That, I partially did.
Gob: (gasps) Look!
Grob: It's the girl!
Grod: The one you were prophecied to meet!
Finn: I don't care none for that mess. This wouldn't have globbed if you'd just...listened to my bro! You bunked up, Lincoln! The wisest, most honest super being of all time just put an innocent human to deads!
Abraham Lincoln: You're right, Finn the Human. My judgement was less than the standard by which I judge my peers. Of which I have none. And I still remember that day I transported your mind to Mars to help you defeat Ice King, and misnamed you Pen for some reason. I will retrieve your friend from the 50th Dead World. (puts his hands to his head and yells, transporting his mind into the 50th dead World. He is now walking across a desolate landscape with Fionna's body in his arms. He comes across Death.) Death.
Death: King of Mars. What's your buisiness?
Abraham Lincoln: I need this one back. (hold out Fionna's body)
Death: Fionna? But how? What will you give me for her?
(Off-screen, Ghost Princess and Clarence can be heard)
Ghost Princess: Just let her live!
Clarence: She made me and Ghost Princess soooo happy!
(Abe holds out a penny)
Death: (laughs) Not this time, your majesty. Though I still owe Peppermint Butler a favor...
Abe Lincoln: In that case, I offer my immortality.
Death: Deal. (Death shakes his head and a gunshot is heard)
John Wilkes Booth (Fantasy): I win again, you slave-hater! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!
Fionna: (in real world) (moans) Huh? Hey, I'm alive!
(Finn hugs Fionna so tight, you'd think he was a machine)
Grob Gob Glob Grod: Yes, but at what cost?
(Finn, Fionna, and Edana look up at Abraham Lincoln, who is now just a stone statue on his throne)
Edana: Just like the Lincoln Memorial in what was once Washington DC.
Finn: Oh, man. Should we go get Magic Man?
Grob Gob Glob Grod: No. I lost a friend. I cannot lose my brother, as well. Hey! What? Where did he go??
Finn: (outside the building on the transporter) EAT MY SKIDS! (teleports back to Earth with Fionna and Edana) YAAAAH!
Fionna: Glob, look at what the war did to Earth.
Finn: So many innocent human lives...for nothing.
Magic Man: (sitting on the floor looking at the picture of him and the woman) Oh, Margles.
Finn: MAGIC MAN! (shoots through the roof and punches Magic Man through the skull, killing him.)
Tiny manticore: You fat coward! (Finn breaks the bottle)
Finn: Go! Get out of here, tiny manticore!
Tiny manticore: Whatevs. I didn't need your pity help!
Finn: Jeez. What
Tiny manticore: I am the true coward. Hiding from sincere expressions like a vampire in the nude who hides from the light. Thank you, brave hero. I was freed from bottle jail, but my new prison...is shame. MY NEW PRISON IS IS SHAAAAME!!!
Finn: What's he saying?
Fionna: He said, "My new prison is shame."
Edana: Well, at least Magic Man is dead.
Finn: Good riddance.
Gork, Zap, Trudy, Kim, Wee-Wee and Gorflax: Here-here!
Finn: WHERE DID YOU ALL COME FROM?!
Trudy: We came to invite you on the Mars Expedition!
Finn: After what we went through, we've seen enough of Mars.
(Cuts to Pendleton Ward in the studio)
Pen: Much better! See guys? You can do it!
(The episode ends)