[The episode begins with all of the Candy People, along with Finn and Fionna, dancing in the Candy Kingdom]
Finn: Candy Party! Sis! This party is so flipping crazy!
Fionna: I know, Finn! I know! [Laughing]
Gumdrop Lass 1: So, Finn... Do you have a girlfriend?
[Flame Princess (Fire Form) is hiding nearby and blushes]
Gumdrop Lass 2: Oh, my gosh! I can't believe you just said that.
Punch Bowl: [Laughing] What a wonderful, marvelous party!
Cinnamon Bun: Ok. I'm gonna do it. Ok-ok-ok. Everyone watch! I'm gonna do a flip![Cinnamon Bun stumbles backward and hits his head on a tower wall, cracking it]
Cinnamon Bun: Oh no!
[The crack streaks upward toward the balcony where Princess Bubblegum is dancing]
[The tower crumbles and Princess Bubblegum falls]
Finn: Princess Bubblegum's in trouble!
[Finn runs towards the tower and bumps into a Candy Person]
Candy Person: Watch where you're going!
[Princess Bubblegum continues to fall towards the ground]
Princess Bubblegum: Ahhhhhhhhhh!
[Finn dives towards Bubblegum and catches her just before she hits the ground]
[The Candy People gasp and murmur]
Princess Bubblegum: Please! Calm yourselves, my people. I am safe! Oh, thank you, Finn. You truly are my hero this day.
Finn: Cool.
Princess Bubblegum: [Pondering] Hero... Hmmm... Heeeeerroooo... Hey, I just thought of something!
Finn: Uhh... What'd you think of?
Princess Bubblegum: I'll show you. Come on! We'll go through my secret entrance.
[Cinnamon Bun groans 'as Prince Gumball tends to him]
Fionna: Is he alright, PG?
Prince Gumball: He has major brain damage. He'll live, but he's a total moron now.
Cinnamon Bun: Ugh...balsamic vinegar!
Balsamic Vinegar: ('voiced by Michelle Ruff) You rang?
Fionna: How many more anime and Addams Family references are we going to make?
Princess Bubblegum: [To the Candy People] Alright, everyone. Turn around.
[The Candy People and Fionna stare blankly at Princess Bubblegum]
Princess Bubblegum: [Whispering] Well, turn around. This entrance is secret.
Candy People: Oh.
Fionna: Come on, PB! You can trust me!
Prince Gumball: I wouldn't push it, Fionna. She's very militant about this secret entrance. Last person who tried to look got the rack.
[The Candy People and Fionna turn around]
Princess Bubblegum: [Pulling a brick out of a wall, exposing a hole] Math. Hurry, Finn!
Finn: [Laughing] No way!
[Princess Bubblegum and Finn both dive into the hole in the wall]
[Finn reaches back out and pulls the brick in, covering the hole again]
Princess Bubblegum: [Pulling a yellow globe out of a chest] Here it is. Check it out.
Finn: A magical globe?
Princess Bubblegum: No, Finn. It's what you can see through the globe.
[An image of a book appears in the globe]
Finn: Golly!
Princess Bubblegum: [Giggle] Look. See this book?
Finn: Yeah, I see it!
Princess Bubblegum: It's called the Enchiridion. It's a book meant only for heroes who's hearts are righteous.
Finn: Shmow-zow!
Princess Bubblegum: The book lies at the top of Mount Cragdor, guarded by a manly minotaur. It's waiting for a truly righteous hero to claim it!
Finn: Do you think I've got the goods, Bubblegum? 'Cause I am in to this stuff!
Princess Bubblegum: Yeah, I know. And yes, I do. Both you and Fionna.
Finn: Then off we go!
[Finn jumps out of a high tower window]
Finn: Fionaaaaaaaaaaaa!
[Fionna catches Finn bridal-style]
Finn: Thanks, sis.
Princess Bubblegum: [Waiving] Farewell, Fi- Oh, wait a minute... [reaching into her belt, she pulls out a handkerchief and waves it] Farewell, Finn and Fionna!
Finn: Bye, Princess! [To Fionna] You know what time it is, sis?
Fionna: Aaaaadventure time?
Finn: Yeah, girl!
[The scene changes; Finn and Fionna are now at a gate in a wall surrounding Mount Cragdor]
Key-per: Greetings, young heroes to be. This mountain is called Cragdor. Its purpose is two-fold: To protect the Enchiridion and to test the hearts of those who seek to possess it. Many noble challengers have entered the temple to pass the grueling trials that lie behind these walls, but no one has ever left here alive or dead! Only the truest most worthy hero can receive the heroes' Enchiridion and walk out these doors again! If it is you, friend, [giggles] and I cannot say that I am certain, but you are verily welcome to try; However, first you must pass my riddle. My name is Key-per, and duly so, for I carry the key to this door, but all is not how it appears, you see. Or perhaps you do not see at all. [Giggles] Perhaps the key is in you, children, but you cannot use your brawn here. The door is magically sealed.
[Finn picks up Key-per, shoves his head into the key-hole and turns him]
Key-per: Oh ho! You've unlocked the riddle of the door. [Laughing] Brilliantly done, child! Please, reveal to me how you unraveled my clue.
Finn: I just thought you'd look cute stuffed in that lock.
Key-per: Oh, yes. That's how most people get in.
Finn: Bye!
Key-per: You've passed the first trial, young heroes, but prepare yourselves! [To the camera] For there are many trials ahead of you, and each trial is more treacherous than the last.
Fionna: [Sniffs] Enchiridion is... [sniffs more, points] That way.
Finn: What?! Sis! You can't smell like a dog!
Fionna: That's where your wrong, Finn! I'm actually telepathy to find it. I sniff like a dog because it's fun.
Finn: Some things never change, I guess.
[Finn hears the voices yelling for help]
Finn: [Running towards the voices] This way!
Fionna: What about the book?
Finn: It can wait. Someone needs our help.
[Finn jumps over brambles and lands on his face]
Fionna: Yo, bro. Are you alright? Did you get brain damage like Cinnamon Bun?
Finn: I'm fine! Keep going! We have to hurry!
[Finn and Fionna come up on three gnomes trapped in a lava pit. Finn reaches in and pulls them out]
Finn: I gotcha.
Red Gnome: Thank you for saving us. [Voice becomes menacing] Now we can destroy this old lady!
[The gnomes fly towards an old lady who is tied to a stake]
Old Lady: La la la-la!
Finn: What?!
[The gnomes zap the old lady with magic and she disappears]
Red Gnome: Every time you say "what" we'll destroy and old lady.
Finn: [Shocked] What?!
[The gnomes zap another old lady and she disappears]
Red Gnome: Every time you say "no" we'll destroy an old lady.
Finn: [Panicked] No! Wai...
[The gnomes zap three more old ladies]
Finn: Please...
[The Red Gnome zaps an old lady]
Finn: Don't destroy...
[The Orange Gnome zaps an old lady]
Finn: Anymore...
[The Blue Gnome zaps an old lady]
Finn: Old women.
Red Gnome: Every time you look sad we'll destroy a big old woman!
Big Old Woman: Well... Ever since I got the... [Zapping sounds] Ahhhh!
Red Gnome: [To other gnomes] Hey, guys. Every time he's a big wuss, let's destroy and old lady.
Other Gnomes: [Laughing] Yeah!
[Finn runs off, distressed]
Fionna: Hey! Back off, you gnomes! My twin just saved you guys! You should thank him, not destroy old ladies! Do you even know what I'm talking about? Say thank you! Say... Thank... You.
Red Gnome: Kill these human pests! Their species is like a curse!
[The gnomes try zapping Fionna with magic, but Fionna does a series of acrobatics and grabs the gnomes]
Fionna: [Shoving the gnomes back into the lava pit] Get back in there, you Anti-Human League agents!
Red Gnome: How did you know?!
Fionna: [Deadpan] Dude, I can see your badge. And your "Human Killing Device, Patent Pending". And that book says "Don't Trust Humans: They Made Us Monsters". And that doll of Asuka from Evangelion that looks like it's been hanged like forty times.
[Camera focuses on each object as Fionna calls them out.]
[Fionna w'alks towards Finn as the gnomes scream for help]
Fionna: Hey, Finn. You ok?
Finn: No way, sisi. Those old ladies are destroyed because of me. And they looked human. I'm not righteous. I'm wrongteous. Stupidteous.
Fionna: Awww. Don't let those gnomes and their illusions get you down. They're just gnomes and illusions. And Anti-Human League agents.
Fionna: Yeah, man. Think. What would regular, old, sweet ladies be doing wandering the hills of Mount Cragdor?
Finn: Maybe they're lost? Or we ran into a mass execution?
Fionna: No way. This place is designed to mess you up. To mess with your head. None of this is real. It's all just trials to test our heroic attributes.
Finn: Hmmm... Hmmm!
Fionna: Now let's go get that book.
Finn: Yeah! You're the best sister I know, sis.
[Finn and Fionna hug' and then Fionna gets eaten by a giant ogre]
Finn: Fionna? Nooooooooo!
Ogre: You cannot pass, human!
Finn: Gimme back my twin!
Ogre: Never! She's good eats, and you're next!
Fionna: [Popping out of the ogre's nostril] It's ok, Finn! I can get out! I wonder why those people in Attack on Titan who didn't get bitten didn't think of this.
[The ogre shoves his finger into his nostril, pushing Fionna, who screams, back inside]
Ogre: [muttering] Stupid humans! Why can't they accept their fate?
Finn: Let Fionna go, or I'll... [kicking the ogre's foot] I'll kick your foot!
Ogre: [Laughing] It is impossible for you to hurt me, human!
Fionna: [Popping out of the ogre's ear and laughing] Don't worry, bro! I found another way-oof!
[The ogre shoves his finger into his ear, pushing Jake back inside]
Ogre: [muttering] This one's persistent, I'll give her that.
Finn: Huh? [Starts climbing the ogre's leg] I'm coming, sis!
Ogre: [Long burp] I think she finally fell into my stomach. Hey... Where'd you go?
Finn: [Pulling a giant dollar out of the ogre's wallet] I got your wallet, man! Human tax!
[Finn grabs opposite edges of the dollar and glides away on it like a hang-glider]
Ogre: No! My big money! Give it back!
Finn: Give me back my sister or I'm cashing this in for change!
Ogre: But she already died in my stomach acid!
Finn: [Crying] Fine. [Angry] I'll give you your dollar. [Yelling] Here's your dollaaaaaarrrrr!
[Finn glides back towards the ogre and does a flying kick into the his stomach]
Ogre: Oof!
[The ogre's stomach rumbles and he begins to puke]
[The liquid jets out of his mouth and Fionna comes out with it]
Fionna: WHOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!! Woah! Did I just cheat death?
Finn: [Gliding on the dollar towards Jake] Jake! [Attaching the dollar to his backpack with paperclips and g'rabbing Fionna in his arms] Oh, thank Glob!
Fionna: [silently] I saw...oblivion. Slay this beast
[Finn uses the dollar to glide behind the ogre. He then pulls out the Golden Sword and slices the ogre's neck. The ogre crumples to the ground dead]
Finn: I have felled the mighty beast!
Fionna: Mikasa would be proud of you, bro.
Finn: Thanks, Fi. Now scan for that book!
Fionna: Yes, general!
[Finn and Fionna fly to a fortress and land]
[They walk into a long hallway with arms holding knives sticking out from the pillars]
Finn: Whoa!
Dark Magician: Congratulations, Finn and Fionna the Wonder Twins. You must be truly righteous to have made it this far.
Finn: Thank you.
Fionna: You're too kind.
Dark Magician: Now! Enter my brain-world, and I will show you some aspect of yourself that you're not entirely aware of.
[Black clouds part and Finn and Fionna are in a gray, misty area]
Finn: Where... are we?
Fionna: I dunno. Someplace
Dark Magician: [Disembodied voice] For your final trial, slay the beast!
[The Heart Beast, a giant heart with a glowing skeleton-arm, lands on the ground]
Finn: Why? Is it an evil beast?
Dark Magician: Yeeeeessss. It's completely evil beyond redemption. It is an Anti-Human League battlebeast! And I REALLY hate the Anti-Human League. I mean, can't we all get along? But I digress. Will you slay it?
Finn: Shoot, yeah. We'll slay anything that's evil. That's our deal.
[The beast attacks Finn and Fionna, but Finn dodges and jumps on top of the beast]
[Finn punches the beast until it bursts, gushes blood, and its body falls the ground]
Fionna: That's more blood than I'm used to...
Dark Magician: Yeeeeessss! You've done well, heroes.
Finn: Thank you.
Dark Magician: Now! As one last, last trial... Slay this ant!
Finn: Is it evil?
Dark Magician: No! But it's not good either. It's, uh, neutral. But he is a notorious womanizer on Ant Island! Will you slay it?
[Finn looks at the ant and raises his fist]
Finn: [Slamming his fist down next to the ant] No! If it's not evil, it lives! When has womanizing been evil, anyway?
Dark Magician: If you want the heroes' Enchiridion, then slay this unaligned, sexually deviant ant!
Finn: Never. Never. Never!
Dark Magician: [Back in the real world] Uh oh. This is gonna smart like the dickens!
[Finn kicks the Dark Magician in the crotch and the cloak falls to the ground, red mist pouring out]
Key-per: [Dressed like a devil] Congratulations, Finn and Fionna! Now you have truly reached...
Finn: Never!
[Finn runs up and punches Key-per in the stomach]
Key-per: Ooh!
Finn: Oh, no! Mr. Key-per! I-I'm sorry. Why are you wearing that little devil costume?
Key-per: These are my pajamas. I was getting ready for bed.
Fionna: Who would sell those? They're so misleading.
Mannish Man: [Running in] Finn... Fionna... You made it!
Finn: Are you another trial? Another Anti-Human League agent?!
Mannish Man: Trial? Oh, no! [Laughing] I'm Mannish Man, the minotaur. And I'm 100% pro-human, mark my words!
Finn: [Gasp] The manly minotaur from Princess Bubblegum's story!
[Mannish Man laughs and flexes his muscles at Finn]
Finn: So, can I check out the Enchiridion? Can I? Can I? Can I?
Mannish Man: Yeah. Come on. Let's go check it out. [Running off] Woohoo!
[Finn, Fionna, Mannish Man and Key-per are walking up to a picnic table]
Mannish Man: We've been watching you guys on our magical viewing globe. Take a seat guys, have some juice. There's grape and apple and the gatekeeper made spaghetti. And... Alright, Finn. Are you ready for this?
[Mannish Man pulls out the Enchiridion and makes a small explosion noise with his mouth]
Finn: The Enchiridion!
Mannish Man: [Handing the book to Finn] You deserve it, Finn.
Finn: Really?
Mannish Man: Yeah, Finn. You're the goodest of heart and most righteous hero I've seen here. Tenderness, ingenuity, bravery, nard-kicking ability, and when you took that giant ogre's dollar... [Laughing] Oh, man! The Key-per nearly fainted!
Key-per: It's true!
Fionna: [Shuddering] I don't want to think about my near death experience. So anyway, Finn, crack open that book and read something for fun's sake, alright?
Finn: Oh, yeah. [Opens book] Whoa. Look at all this stuff! Sword Forging 101. Archery for Beginners. A Guide to the Schools of Magic. Professional-Grade Armor Repair. How to Kiss Princesses? [Giggles]
Fionna: Whoa. What'd you just read?
Princess Bubblegum: [Appearing on the magical viewing globe] Yeah. What does it say, Finn? Mannish Man won't tell me.
Mannish Man: [Whispering to Finn] Hey. Don't tell her, Finn. She'd think you're a pervert.
Finn: It...says "Talos the Unerring! Talos the Unassailable!" What is this gobbity-gack? Who's Talos?!
Princess Bubblegum: [Annoyed] Mannish man!
[Mannish Man shrugs at Princess Bubblegum]
Finn: [Leaping into the air] Awwww... Yeah! Time to forge me a sword that isn't made from gold!
Fionna: Might wanna put a rain-check on that, Finn. There are no forges in Ooo. Not since the war between the Fire and Magma Kingdom War when slag embargoes were put into place. And now the Fire Kingdom, following the conquest of the Magma Kingdom, is continuing the slag embargoes so no other kingdoms get any ideas.
Finn: So THAT'S why all of the kingdoms we visit are woefully lacking arms.
[The episode ends]