Finn: The Goblins have suffered long enough, Xergiok!
Fionna: Leave now and we may let you keep your eyes!
Xergiok: Shush! You guys can't live without me, right? (Smacks feet into Goblins)
Goblin: (say "Ow" Multiple Times)
Xergiok: (Pounds their heads, they say "Ow" again several times)
Fionna: You got serious issues, man. OK, here. I know a good therapist and--
Xergiok: Blah!(He hurls a fireball at them and destroys the table; Finn and Fionna evade the fireball)
(Finn attempts to grab Xergiok, but he jumps to avoid arms and fires fireballs)
Finn: (Deflects a fireball with his sword) Wands are for wimps! (punches Xergiok outside)
(Finn and Fionna chase Xergiok across the Goblin Kingdom)
Xergiok: You may have beaten me this time, but—(Finn throws a rock at Xergiok) Ogh!
Finn & Fionna: Haha! Yeah!
Xergiok: (Uses spell to disappear)
Finn: And stay out, Muffin Top!
Fionna: Or you WILL come face-to-face with Death!
(Goblins show up and carry Finn and Fionna to the Throne Room)
Goblins: Finn and Fionna! Finn and Fionna!
Gummy: Nyaaar! Great job, warriors! You've freed us. I am Gummy, royal goblin chief of staff.
Finn: Nice to meet you (Rubs Gummy's Head)
Gummy: Nyaan! I'm sorry, I have not known a friendly touch in some time. You see, Xergiok loved to be a jerk to us...
Xergiok: It's spanking time!!! Hiyahhh! Yeah! (Spanks 3 Goblins)
Xergiok: (Enjoying Sunset) Sigh. (Spanks Goblin) Yahhh!
Goblin: Ow! Ow!
Goblin: Ah, heck, Maria, I need to ask you something, (Pulls ring out) Do you want to do this marriage thing with me?
Goblins: Awwww! (Goblin in the background:) Isn't that sweet?
Maria: Oh, my love, the answer is yes.
Xergiok: (Kicks ring, spanks the Goblin repeatedly) Boom! Hahaha! (To Maria) Congratulations.
Xergiok: HA HA HA!
(End of Flashback)
Gummy: We need a good king to rule us, like you mayhaps?
Goblins: Yeah, yeah! (Background: "You should do it!")
Fionna: I wouldn't go for it, Finn. If anything Prince Gumball told me is true, it's that being a ruler will run you ragged. He would know. He's seen Princess Bubblegum suffer from exhaustion.
Finn: No, Fionna's right, I'm an adventurer for life.
Goblin with Cane: If there isn't a king to not tell me to not start a riot, I could start a riot, then!
Goblin: No rules, baby! Start that riot!
Goblins: Wooh! Yeah! (Starts riot )
Goblin: Flip this table!
Goblin with Hammer: No one can tell me no! (Hammers own hand) Ah!
Goblin: If there's no law, then that means...I'M JOINING THE ANTI-HUMAN LEAGUE!
Gummy: Please, Finn, (puppy eyes) we need a king.
Finn: Stop the riot!
Finn: I'll become your king! To save y'all, from yourselves. And you! Don't join the Anti-Human League or else!
Gummy: (Stands up) We have a new king!
Goblins: Woohoo! Yeah!
Goblin: (Puts crown on Finn's Head)
Fionna: Finn's gonna need a queen... I'll do it.
Finn: Woah! Slow down there, cowgirl!
Fionna: What's wrong?
Finn: Fionna, you're my sister.
Fionna: Yeah, and?
Finn: A king and queen are married.
Fionna: What are you...oh. OOOOHHHHHH. Yeah, I see your point. I'll be Princess, then!
Goblins: (continuing wooing)
Outside the Throne Room
Gummy: Allow me to show you the grounds, Your Majesties.
Fionna: Show me what we got, Gummy. Show it to me!
Finn: Hahaha, yeah!
Gummy: The Goblin Birthing Pits, Your Majesties.
Goblin in the Pit: I'm being... born.
Finn: That's pretty neat.
Gummy: Indeed. This way, in case another kingdom wipes out a good portion of our population, we can quickly repopulate using these pits.
Fionna: But how does it work--
Gummy: (covers Fionna's mouth) Ssshhhhh. Some things are best left unsaid.
Gummy: The Garden of Living Fountains.
Fountain #1: Yes, the universe is expanding.
Fountain #2: But what is it expanding into?
Other Fountains: Oooooooohhhhhh.
Finn: My mind just got blown.
Gummy: The Royal Game Archive, complete with controller hats.
Finn & Fionna: (Wearing controller hats) Ooooh.
Fionna: (excited) Finn! They have it!
Fionna: Team Fortress 2!
French Narrator: Two hours later...
Finn: Aw, come on! That Sniper has aimbot!
Fionna: I got him! (beat) Yes! No one can stop the Cow Mangler 5000!
Finn: Except situations where you're confronted with a Sentry.
Gummy: The Royal Dragon Stables.
Finn: (thinks about riding a dragon and saying, Ohhhhh! Hahaha!) Whoa!
Gummy: And finally, the royal bedroom, with king-sized bed for the royal couple.
Fionna: Can you make that a bunk bed? I mean, yes, me and Finn have slept in the same bed before, but that was on cold nights when we were nomads!
Gummy: Yes, m'lady. Whisper Dan. (Claps)
Whisper Dan: (Turns a wheel handle and cuts the bed in half with a giant knife from the lever then 2 hands that came out of the ground put the back side of the bed over the top and some other hands holding the bottom part of the bed above the top part of the bed and the ones on the ground went back in.)
Fionna: I call top. (jumps on top)
Finn: And I call...
Gummy: Wait! For you, great king, the Book of Royal Rules. (holding a book with lots of pages.)
Finn: Rules?! Oh, come on!
Gummy: Oh, no worries, my Liege. I'll read it to you.
Finn: Hey, Fionna, want to stay awake and hear some rules?
Fionna: (Immediately goes to sleep where a lion and a goose sleep too; on her is a sign that says "Do Not Disturb. THIS MEANS YOU, ICE KING!)
Finn: Alright, lay it on me, Gummy.
Gummy: Introduction, colon, the 623 royal rules were established in moon year 16, in response to Elder Gorflox's repeated requests for an organized... (Finn falls asleep and two black and white tigers cover him as blankets) Awaken, your highness!
Fionna: No way, dude. Royalty shouldn't be bound by normal social norms! Oh, wait, that sounded wrong.
Gummy: Your Excellency! Let's go. We have much to do!
Gummy: (Leads Finn to another room) This is where you may perform your daily processes, my king (opens the door)
Finn: Wooooo!!!! Look at that huge mirror... and it's painted baby blue—boy style.
Gummy: Come, sire, it is time to brush your teeth in the front of the boy style mirror. (clapping)
Finn: Wooo!!! Awesome! (takes the toothbrush)
Goblins around the sink: Huuuuu, no, no, no, Your Majesty! Let us brush your teeth!
Finn: (Does a back flip) Yaaaah!! Woo ease up, dudes, Finn access only.
One goblin around the sink: Ahhhh he's a rule breaker don't spank us to hard (bend down so Finn can smack their butts)
Gummy: Spare them, Your Majesty! Spank me instead! (bends down) Set my buttocks ablaze!
Finn: What are you guys talking about?
Gummy: Rule 1: He king shall not brush his own teeth. In the book of royal rules were read to you last night. Remember?
Finn: Oh oh guys, put your hams away. And, no, actually, I fell asleep as soon as you started reading.
All three goblins: Whaa??
Finn: I'm not gonna spank your hams, I'm not that kind of king!
Gummy: So then we may brush your teeth my lord?
Finn: You can brush my teeth I guess...
All 3 goblins: Yaayyyy!!!!!! (Put 3 toothbrushes in his mouth and cuts to another scene)
Finn: This brunch looks great! Can't wait to dig in. (about to cut it)
Gummy: Uhhhhhh, I will cut that your highness.
Finn: Gummy, as king I order you to let me cut it.
Gummy: I'm sorry sire, the royal rules don't allow it.
Finn: I'm cutting it, Gummy (about to cut it)
Finn: I order you to let go!
Gummy: Never! You're breaking the rules!
(takes them away and cuts it)
Finn: Thank you, Gummy.
Gummy: Uhhhhh, a thousand pardons my lord, you're not going to chew that are you?
Gummy: I'm sorry sire the royal rules don't allow it.
Finn: Gummy, just let me do this. No one will know.
Gummy: I would know (takes it off his fork chewed it got up on the table swiped all the other stuff off of Finn's plate and spit it out)
Finn: Uhhhhhh, sis, this is nuts.
Fionna: Maybe, but rules are rules (a goblin spit stuff out on Fionna's plate; Fionna winces in disgust) I take that back. That's just disgusting!
Gummy: Master, eat your food. I chewed thoroughly and heated it to goblin body temperature.
Finn: I've lost my appetite. Because of you!
Gummy: You look a little bit down. Would you like me to weep for you?
Finn: No, Gummy just..... (the door burst open a goblin came in)
Goblin: Sire, sire!!!! There's trouble in town square. A thief!!
Finn: A thief!!! Hahaha, yes! I'll handle it! (takes out his sword)
Gummy: No sire the king's not allowed to fight he must give a speech to the thief that is the royal rule my league (Finn gave gummy a frown and they went outside) There's the thief! (a guy trying to take a basket from an old lady goblin)
Thief: Give me the hot buns, lady.
Finn: Hey, thief!
A goblin: It's the new king he's here it's him (everyone looks at him)
Finn: I got a speech for you—
Gummy| Nooooooo, (covers Finns mouth) the Royal Speech Maker must give the speech!
Gummy: Ya, see? (the royal speaker came out a window above them)
Royal Speaker: (Clears throat) Since the dawn of time, the balance of what is right and what is wrong has...
Finn: That's not gonna work! You gotta take action! Where's the police...
Gummy: The royal rules don't allow for law enforcement in the kingdom.
Finn: Do you even have a military?!
Gummy: I'm sorry, sire. We don't have a standing army, either. The royal rules don't allow it.
Finn: Then how do you defend against enemies?!
Gummy: We don't. We get on our knees and beg for mercy.
(Finn starts getting angry)
Finn: You know what? I'm gonna get that thief.
Gummy: But sire, didn't you hear me? The royal rules--
(Finn grabs Gummy and pulls him up to his level)
Finn: I AM ABOVE YOUR MEANINGLESS RULES!!! I AM KING, AND I SHOULD NOT BE BOUND BY RULES! WHAT PURPOSE DO THEY EVEN SERVE?!
Gummy: Uh, well, they ensure the king has his every need tended to and to make sure he does not do anything that makes him look imperfect. Up to and including making important decisions and diplomacy.
Finn: (Beat) YOU MEAN I HAVE NO POWER?!
Gummy: Well...yes. The King of Goblins has no real power. He is merely a figurehead. The one with the real power around here is the Council.
Finn: Well, I don't care. The Council shouldn't have jurasdiction over the reigning monarch. As of now, the Royal Rules are officially abolished!
Gummy: I'm sorry, sire. But that's against the law!
Finn: I AM ABOVE THE LAW!!!!
(Finn tightens the grip he has on Gummy's throat until he stops struggling and goes limp.)
Goblin: Is he...
Finn: Yes. He is. (Turns to address crowd) You see what happens when you try to limit the ruler of your kingdom? THIS! (Holds up Gummy's body) Now do me a favor and FOLLOW MY RULE!!!
Goblin: The princess will never agree with you!
Fionna: Actually, I do. This kingdom isn't a kingdom! It's easy pickings for warmongering kingdoms and barbarian hordes!
Finn: I'm gonna whip this kingdom into shape! And KILL anyone who speaks out against me!
French Narrator: Two months later...
(The Goblin Kingdom has become militarized and industrialized; the walls are now lined by Howitzers; jet fighters dominate the skies, and tanks roam the streets; American flags are seen, and goblins wearing armor and armed with M4 carbines march in formation around the parade grounds; Finn is sitting in his throne room, wearing Steel Armor; above his throne are the heads of Gummy and other dissenters)
Goblin: My liege?
Goblin: We just took stock of our reserves, and it appears we have more oil than we thought. These are the updated figures. (hands Finn a piece of paper)
Finn: Excellent. That shale formation we found on near Cube Village are working wonders. How goes the fracking operation there, by the way?
Goblin: We've found a way to stop chemicals from seeping into the groundwater.
Finn: Good work, and good day.
(Goblin leaves; Fionna enters throne room)
Fionna: Finn, I was thinking. I mean, it's great that we drove off that Barbarian Horde last week, but don't you think we're taking this too far?
Finn: What do you mean?
Fionna: I mean, our military and economic power is so great, we're a tempting target for a kingdom of equal military power.
(Finn sighs and buries his face in his hands)
Finn: Good glob, you're right! We're too big a target! One bombing could destroy our ability to retaliate and result in economic ruin! What do we do?
Fionna: I say we downsize the military and focus the economy towards the internet.
Finn: But we thrive on oil and coal exports! And we need the military to be the size it is in order to defend against other military powers!
Fionna: But who would be foolhardy enough to invade us?
(A goblin runs into the throne room)
Goblin: My-my-my liege! I bring word from the-the Western Watchtower!
Finn: Well, spit it out, man!
Goblin: The Fire Kingdom is coming with a massive invasion force! 50,000 men or more! And the Flame King himself is leading it!
Finn: What? I'm sorry, can you tell me that again?
Goblin: We're being invaded by the Fire Kingdom!
Finn: No one invades this kingdom! Get to the command center! Tell them to go to DEFCON 3.
Goblin: Yes, my liege!
Finn: (picks up phone) Attention! Attention! All citizens, attention! This is your king! We are under attack by a hostile military force! They have violated our borders and in doing so, have declared war on us! All military forces, mobilize at once! All civilians, get to the designated bomb shelters!
(Goblins begin screaming in panic and running to the shelters; military forces mobilize and deploy in a spectacular display of military strength)
Finn: Come on, Fionna. To the armory!
(Batman transition with Finn's face)
(The Fire Kingdom military, comprised of swordsmen, longbowmen, cavalry, and trebuchets, stops half a mile from the Goblin Kingdom)
Flame King (voice of Rob Paulsen, using his deep accented voice): Ohh, this will be the most glorious military victory Ooo has ever seen! Their technology's got nothing on me! TREBUCHETS! FIRE!
(Trebuchets fling flaming rocks at the walls and gate; damage is minimal, but a Howitzer takes heavy damage)
Goblin: Return fire! Return fire!
(The Howitzers fire back, decimating the trebuchets and sending Fire Soldiers flying everywhere)
Flame King: Concentrate all artillery fire on the cannons! Cavalry, forward!
(The trebuchets manage to put the Howitzers out of commission, while the cavalry, using pyromancy, destroy the gate and a section of the wall)
Flame King: Into the breach! Leave no one alive!
(Epic battle occurs; both sides suffer heavy losses; not even tanks or fighters are any good, as they fall to fire magic; Finn and Fionna fight their way through Fire Soldiers, and reach the command group)
Finn: Alright, Fire King--
Flame King: Uh, it's Flame King. Don't worry, common mistake. Now, you were saying?
Finn: Leave or we launch our secret weapon.
Flame King: You're bluffing.
Finn: I don't bluff.
Flame King: So be it. Human.
(Flame King hurls fireballs at Finn and Fionna, who easily block it)
Finn: Flame King, you disappoint me. The other kingdoms hold you in high esteem.
Flame King: Do they really?
Flame King: D'aw! How DARE you get my hopes up like that!
(The fight between the twins and Flame King continues; Flame King eventually slips up and is kicked to the ground)
Finn: Any last words?
Flame King: Look behind you.
(Finn and Fionna turn around to see the castle up in flame)
Finn: (beat) You've sealed your people's fate. DEPLOY THE SECRET WEAPON!
(Seconds later, missiles fly off)
Flame King: What are those?!
Finn: Ballistic missiles.
Flame King: YOU'VE LAUNCHED NUCLEAR WEAPONS?!
Finn: Woah, woah, woah, woah, stop right there. Alright? I said BALLISTIC missiles, not NUCLEAR missiles. Nukes killed my species. No, those missiles have the next best thing: the Mother Of All Bombs.
Flame King: You've launched MOABs at my kingdom?!
Finn: Hey, they're destructive, but they don't throw up enough dust to blot out the sun, or release radiation. Now you die!
(Flame King gets out of the way, and does a backflip to get back to his feet)
Flame King; All forces, retreat!
Fire Soldier: Back home?
Flame King: No! It's good as dead! We'll just have to settle a new Fire Kingdom! I'm thinking...border of the Ice Kingdom. That way, we can put pressure on Ice King.
(The Fire Army retreats; as they leave, a lone figure doesn't move; Finn sees the figure, who unbeknownst to him, is Flame Princess (Fire Form); she gives him a friendly head gesture, and leaves without saying a word)
Finn: That girl...looked familiar...
Fionna: Yeah, I know. She looks like the Flame Person we saw shortly before we found the Tree Fort...
Goblin: There they are!
(An angry mob of Goblins appears, all carrying pitchforks, torches, Molotov cocktails, and pistols)
Goblin: These are the rulers who brought this upon our kingdom! We're ruined! Our economy, our military, all gone! And it's all your faults! Our businesses are all destroyed, and now we're all gonna go broke! We'll be living on the streets, in refugee camps, and in ditches, slowly starving and/or freezing to death! You know, things were better under Xergiok's rule. At least HE was sane enough not to militarize and industrialize us! Our living conditions have become worse than being spanked on a daily basis! AND IT'S ALL YOUR FAULT!!!!! THIS IS WHY THE ROYAL RULES EXIST! THIS! IS! WHYYYYY!!!!!!
Goblin #2: Kill them! Kill these savages! KILL THIS SCUM!
Goblins: DEATH TO ALL HUMANS!
(Finn and Fionna flee, forced to kill any Goblin who gets in their way; eventually, they escape the kingdom, but the Goblin mob pursues; soon, they are back in the Grasslands, and make it to the Tree Fort; the Goblin mob arrives, and tries the door)
Goblin #1: Hey, the door is locked!
Goblin #2: Let's bust it down!
Goblin #3: Oh, no way! All those splinters, man!
Goblin #1: Is anyone here a locksmith?
Goblin #4: I'm a lockpick!
Banana Guard: Aha! A confession! You're all under arrest!
Goblin #1: But...but those humans! They brought the Goblin Kingdom to ruin!
Banana Guard: Not our problem.
Goblin #5: Dude, let it go. We're only a small portion of the population. They'll get the Goblin Kingdom back on its feet.
Goblin #1: If Xergiok doesn't return first.
Banana Guard: Let's go!
(The mob is led away to the Candy Kingdom; Fionna sees them and smiles)
Fionna: We're safe, Finn! The Banana Guard arrested them! Finn?
(Fionna hears crying sounds, and finds Finn crying in his bed)
Fionna: Finn, what's wrong?
Finn: I failed...I failed at leadership. I thought I could be a fair and just ruler, but I ended up being no better than all of history's dictators. I destroyed two whole kingdoms all because I refused to follow rules that would have prevented this! I destroyed lives! I sent people with families and dreams to their deaths! I'm no leader. Not even a righteous hero. I'm...I'm...I'M NOTHING BUT A VILLAIN!!!
Finn: No! I don't deserve your love! I'm a monster! I'm no better than Xergiok! NO! I'M WORSE THAN XERGIOK! Why did I make those decisions?! WHY, GLOB, WHY?!?!?!
(Finn sobs uncontrollably; tears well up in Fionna's eyes, unable to watch Finn slink into depression; all of a sudden, Finn stops crying, sits up, and starts singing)
What have I done?
What have I done?
How could I be so blind?
All is lost, where was I?
Spoiled all, spoiled all
Everything's gone all wrong
What have I done?
What have I done?
Find a deep cave to hide in
In a million years they'll find me
Only dust and a plaque
That reads, "Here Lies Poor Old Finn"
But I never intended all this madness, never
And nobody really understood—
[spoken] Well, how could they?
—That all I ever wanted was to bring them something great
Why does nothing ever turn out like it should?
Well, what the heck
I went and did my best
And, by Glob, I really tasted something swell
And for a moment, why
I even touched the sky
And at least I left some stories they can tell
[spoken] I did!
And for the first time since I don't remember when
I felt just like my old righteous self again
And I, Finn, the Human Boy
[spoken] That's right! I am the Hero of Ooo! Ha, ha, ha, ha!
And I just can't wait until tomorrow
'Cause I've got some new ideas that will really make evil flee
And, by Glob I'm really gonna give it all my might!
Fionna: Good to see you've got your swagger back all of a sudden, Finn!
Finn: I can't explain why, but I thought while I was heading for depression, there's one person who would never think ill of me.
Finn: You. You saved me.
Fionna: Just like that? Seems a bit unrealistic.
Finn: It confuses me just as much as it does you.
Fionna: So, what now?
Finn: Let's go play BMO.
Fionna: Sounds good.