(The episode begins with Finn and Fionna waving around swords, cutting apples, and wearing apples on their heads)
Finn and Fionna: Swords! Yeah, swords! Whoo!
Tree Trunks: Oh, kids and their swords... You kids, stop horsing around with my apples!
Both: Aw, Tree Trunks!
Tree Trunks: Now, come on over! I baked y'all an apple pie.
Finn: Yeah, apple pie!
Finn: I'm gonna eat it all before you even GET there! (runs away laughing)
(Tree Trunks sets the pie down on a table)
Finn: Apple pie!
Fionna: (blocking Finn) Don't let him eat it all!
Tree Trunks: (chuckles) Now, you kids sit down and behave yourselves. Oh!
(A fly sits on her pie and flies away)
Tree Trunks: Shoo, fly! Get off my apple pie! Huh! (dramatically) A fly landed on my pie. That's no good. (She throws it away.) Bye-bye.
Finn: Why are you throwing the pie away?
(A bunch of flies fly in and fly around the pie; Finn and Fionna groan in disgust)
Tree Trunks: Flies wanted it, they can have it.
Tree Trunks: Anyways, don't y'all worry 'cause the new pie is coming in the wag of a lamb's tail.
Finn and Fionna: New pie?
Finn: Woohoo! Pie, yeah!
Fionna: Yeah! Wowowowowo!
Tree Trunks: Here you are.
Tree Trunks : Come on, go ahead.
(Finn and Fionna eat pie)
Tree Trunks: What you think?
Fionna: Best apple pie ever! Oh my Glob, it's so juicy!
Tree Trunks: Oh, Fionna, thank you, but that ain't the best apple pie.
Finn: What are you talking 'bout, Tree Trunks? What can be better than your apple pie?
Fionna: You ate all the pie...
Tree Trunks: Finn, what would you do if you could do anything?
Finn: Anything? Well, I'd...kiss...Princess Bubblegum. (Blushes)
Fionna: Nothing to be ashamed of Finn.
Finn: What would you do, Tree Trunks?
Tree Trunks: I would go pick an apple.
(Fionna flashes a confused look at Finn)
Finn: I'm sorry. I mean, it's just you pick apples every day.
Tree Trunks: This apple ain't like the apples that I pick. They say it's the apple of apples; rarest kind of all. Legends call it the crystal gem apple.
(Fionna spits tea at Finn)
Fionna: That sounds awesome! Oh, oh dear! I am so sorry Finn!
Finn: It's fine. I could never be angry at you, sis. Where is it?
Tree Trunks: I've Heard that it grows at the deepest end of the Evil Dark Forest.
Finn: Whoo! Tree Trunks you gotta go pick that apple!
Tree Trunks: What? Me? Oh, no I'm just a cute little elephant. I'm not cut out for adventuring.
Finn: Tree Trunks! This is your dream! Think about eating that apple with your own mouth.
Fionna: Or your trunk.
Finn: Imagine the flavor.
Fionna: And your satisfied face.
Tree Trunks: Really? You think I can handle the Scary Dark Forest?
Finn: Yeah, and we'll help you.
Fionna: We love you, Tree Trunks.
Tree Trunks: Okay. I'll do it. Call me... Adventurer Tree Trunks.
(Adventure Time Screen comes with Tree Trunks as the sword)
Finn & Fionna: Yeah, Tree Trunks!
Tree Trunks: I love being so high up from the ground!
(They step into flesh)
Finn: Ewww, why is this ground all squishy?
Fionna: Whatever it is, I'm liking it. Oh, yeah!
Tree Trunks: I wanna try!
Finn: Okay. I'm cool with you letting you do whatever you want.
Tree Trunks: Heeheehee! It's like some cookie dough!
(An eye comes up and stares at Tree Trunks)
Tree Trunks: Oh, hello there.
Finn: Uhh, Tree Trunks, stay away from that.
(The Wall of Flesh attacks Finn and Fionna)
Finn: Ugh, you're gonna get it, wall of flesh.
Fionna: Where did this thing come from, anyway? Is-is it a bunch of human flesh that got blasted off by the nuclear blasts during the war?
(Finn and Fionna attack the monster)
Tree Trunks: An eye and a mouth. Well, I think I got the perfect thing for him or her: stickers.
Finn: Careful, Tree Trunks, this thing is evil.
Tree Trunks: Here's a rainbow sticker, and here's a scratch-and-sniff sticker. Smells just like a pickle. Oh, and this one is a holographic unicorn, but it doesn't have a horn.
(The monster grabs Tree Trunks)
Tree Trunks: Oh, now, whatcha doing?
Finn: Huh? Tree Trunks!
(Finn cuts off the wall's arm before it could eat Tree Trunks)
(The wall returns to hide in the tree)
Finn: You better stay in that tree, baby. Um, Tree Trunks were you putting stickers on that evil monster?
Tree Trunks: Yes, I thought it needed some tender love and affection. Oh, what a pretty butterfly!
(Tree Trunks follows the butterfly)
Finn: Tree Trunks? Ugh. Fionna, I just realized that Tree Trunks is old and bonkers. We can't take her through this Evil Dark Forest.
Fionna: I agree Finn. But what choice do we have? She REALLY wants that Crystal Apple!
Finn: Yeah, I guess you're right. Just keep close tabs on her, OK?
Finn: Tree Trunks?
Fionna: Where'd she go?
Finn: Tree Trunks!
Finn: We gotta find her, Fionna! Tree Trunks!
Fionna: Where are you, Tree Trunks?
(Tree Trunks sets up a picnic with the butterfly)
Tree Trunks: And here's your teacup, and here's my teacup.
(Evil sign posts follow Tree Trunks)
Finn & Fionna: Tree Trunks! (Gasp)
Fionna: How is that even possible? I mean, they're sign posts! And they're alive!
Finn: Fionna, in this era, there's no such thing as logic.
Tree Trunks: And here's your sandwich. Oops, you dropped it.
Finn: Tree Trunks, run!
Tree Trunks: Oh, hey, Finn.
Finn: Time to call your mamas, evil sign posts.
(Finn & Fionna fight the sign posts)
Tree Trunks: Patience, kids. There's enough tea for everyone.
(Evil sign posts Grabs Tree Trunks)
(Finn grabs and protects Tree Trunks)
Tree Trunks: Oh, Finn. What a nice hug.
(Finn gets jacked up)
Finn: I'm not hugging you! I'm trying to save your life! There's too many!!
(Fionna slices and dices all of the sign posts)
Tree Trunks: Oh, Finn. That tea party was crummier than a big old biscuit.
Finn: Errrr. Tree Trunks, I'm all jacked up because of you. Look at my jacked up face!
Tree Trunks: Are you mad at me?
Finn: No, I'm not mad. You're too super-cute for me to be mad at you, and you're a top notch adventurer. Now, let's go find and eat the heck out of that crystal gem apple together.
(A snaked-armed ruby brain beast appears)
Finn: Dang it!
Fionna: You go fight--I'll keep Tree Trunks out of trouble.
Tree Trunks: F-Fionna I think Finn is getting jacked up again.
Fionna: Yeah, Finn can handle it. He's 12. So am I. We're twins, ya know.
Tree Trunks: I think I know a way to help him out.
Fionna: Uhh, you should stay here, Tree Trunks.
Tree Trunks: But I thought Finn told me that I was a top notch adventurer. And my adventurer instincts tell me to seduce that tentacle critter with my womanly charms and elephant prowess.
Fionna: Uhh, no way.
(Off-screen Tree Trunks kissed Fionna on her face many times)
Fionna: QUIT IT! There's a reason I'm called a tomboy! I'm not girly like you!
(Tree Trunks tries to seduce the Brain Beast)
Finn: Uh, what are you doing here, Tree Trunks?
Tree Trunks: I'm helping you by tempting this guy with my body.
Finn: It's not a guy, Tree Trunks! It's a snaked-armed ruby brain beast!
Tree Trunks: Even brain beasts get lonely, Finn!
Finn: Fionna! You were supposed to watch her!
Fionna: She got passed me, bro. I tried to stop her, but she overpowered me. And now I'm TOTALLY disturbed by her lesbian actions just now!
Finn: GET her out of here!
(Fionna grabs the snake arms)
Fionna: Finn, kill it!
Finn: I can't find it's magic gem weak spot!
(The Brain Beast turns to his back)
Finn: Oh, there it is.
Tree Trunks: I did it! I helped! I'm the sexiest adventurer in the world!
Finn: Tree Trunks!! You're not an adventurer! You nearly got yourself killed again! Do you wanna die, Tree Trunks?! Is that what you think adventurers do?! Die and make all their friends feel terrible 'cause they couldn't save them?!
(Tree Trunks cries)
Fionna: Whoa, bro.
Tree Trunks: I'm going home now.
Finn: Ugh... Tree Trunks. Tree Trunks!
Tree Trunks: Don't follow me. Oh, Finn... You shouldn't yell at cuties that just wanna help you. OH!
Finn: Man, I feel horrible. I was only yelling because I care about her safety.
Fionna: That's what happens when you care too much, bro.
Finn: But I care a ton about you, and this never happens.
Tree Trunks: OH!
(Finn and Fionna run after Tree Trunks)
Finn and Fionna: Tree Trunks! Huh!
Tree Trunks: Finn, I found the crystal gem apple.
Fionna: You're the man, Tree Trunks! Or, wait, woman.
Finn: Tree Trunks, I'm a huge butt guy for getting mad at you. I'm a huge fart. I was only upset because... I love you and I don't wanna see you get hurt.
Tree Trunks: That's precious, Finn, and I'll accept your apology if you let me kiss your cheek.
Finn: Uhhhh, I don't know, I--
Fionna: Don't do it, Finn. What about PB?
Crystal Guardian (Fionna) Don't do it, Finn. What about PB?
Crystal Guardian (Finn): Uhhhh, I don't know...
Finn: A crystal guardian! Tree Trunks, stay out of the monster battle this time. I don't want you getting hurt.
Tree Trunks: Alright, I promise I will.
Finn: Radical! Back off you!
Crystal Guardian (Finn): Back off you!
Finn: Stop copying me! Grrah!
Crystal Guardian (Finn): Stop copying me! Grrah!
(After the collision of their fists, Finn pulls his back in pain)
Finn: Ahhhh! A-a-oww..
Fionna: Finn! Graw!
Crystal Guardian (Fionna): Graw!
(After the collision of their kicks, FIonna gets hurt)
Fionna: Ow! Ow.
Finn: He's copying everything we do.
Tree Trunks: Hey! It's my butterfly-friend. That's precious.
Fionna: Whoo! Shake it, Tree Trunks!
Crystal Guardian (Fionna): Whoo! Shake it, Tree Trunks!
Finn: Gem-clam! Let's beat it up while it's copying Tree Trunks! Yaah!
Fionna: Crud, this is barf bro.
Finn: Oh, man, I'm a total moron! We gotta fight this one Tree Trunks style.
Fionna: I'll get the make up, but I won't like it.
(Later, after putting on make up)
Finn: Hey! Crystal Guardian, are you okay with Tree Trunks taking a bite of that apple?
Fionna: I'm okay with it.
Crystal Guardian (Fionna): I'm okay with it.
Jake: And I'm a doo-doo dunderhead.
Crystal Guardian (Jake): And I'm a doo-doo dunderhead.
Fionna: Heh-heh, you heard the guardian, TT. Bite that thing.
Tree Trunks: Okay!
Finn: Whoo! How's it taste, Tree Trunks?
Fionna: Yeah! How is it?
(Then Tree Trunks suddenly explodes, leaving Finn, Jake, and the Crystal Guardian shocked and not so happy. Later, Finn and Fionna arrive back at Tree Trunks' house and hold a small funeral for their fallen friends, and hug tearfully. Meanwhile, after the shocking disappearance, Tree Trunks enters the Crystal Dimension laughing happily. The episode ends.)