(The episode starts in the Wizard Battle stadium, Finn is walking through almost empty stands, singing "Wizard Battle")
(Jake is asleep on a seat; Finn crawls towards him)
Finn: (Whispering) Wizard Battle is starting soon!
Fionna: (Pushes Finn away, groans): I know! We got here six hours early, you dork! Just wake me up when they start selling hot dogs. (Sees that she is laying on a hot dog) Whoa! What do you know! (Eats it)
(A horn is blasted and Finn and Fionna gasp)
Finn: The wizards are arriving!
(The crowd cheers as the wizard walk in and kneel)
Finn: Whoo-hoo! Yeah!!!
Grand Master Wizard: (Offscreen) Ladies and gentlemen...
Finn: (Gasps repeatedly)
Grand Master Wizard: I am the Grand Master Wizard of Ceremonies. And now, the rules. Contestants will fight each other with spells from the eight schools of magic. (Science Whyzard enters) No science, Doctor Princess! (Science Whyzard leaves, Weapon Head enters) No weapons, Weapon Head! (Weapon Head pouts and takes of his weapon head and throws it into a pile of wizard stuff) To enter Wizard Battle, you must be a wizard!
Finn: (Looking through binoculars) Whoo, wizard only allowed! Whoo. Whoo. Wh-...(Sees Ice King) Oh, what? Ice King!
Finn: You're a constestant?!
Ice King: Mm-hmm. You guys come here to watch me win?
Finn: Phshoo, you're gonna lose, man.
Fionna: You're a loser, loser.
Ice King: Ha! I'm not gonna lose! I've got a fool proof plan for winning. (Whispers) I'm gonna cheat. (Laughs)
(The three are shadowed by a pink blimp)
Grand Monster Wizard: And now L's and G's, witness the unveiling of this tournaments grand prize, (A curtain rises over the blimps cockpit revealing Princess Bubblegum) A kiss from Princess Bubblegum! (Princess Bubblegum starts posing with her lips as the crowds cheer) On the mouth!
(Finn hides his face)
(A small group of three Lady Wizards look displeased, obviously not wanting to look like lesbians)
Lady Wizard #1: Boooo. Boo.
Brain Wiz: Hmm. Is it an open mouth kiss?
Grand Master Wizard: No!
Brain Wiz: Then I choose to exit the battle.
(Brain Wiz begins to leave, the Lady Wizards go "Yeah")
Grand Master Wizard: No one is allowed to exit Wizard Battle! (Turns the four wizards into cats; the door closes) The doors are shut. (A barrier covers the stadium) The sky barrier is in place. All of you will kiss the princess or die in battle.
Ice King: Ooh, I just can't wait to taste that sweet Bubblegum. (Flies off happy)
Fionna: Finn, are you alright?
Fionna: Is this about the whole Earl of Lemongrab thing?
Finn: Yes. (Sniffs sadly, as if on the verge of tears.)
Fionna: Finn, don't worry about it. I'm here for you. And I know, one day, you'll find a girl.
Finn: Thanks. But we gotta stop Ice King from cheating.
Fionna: But we're not wizards. What about the sanctity and honor of Wizard Battle?
Finn: Aw, you're right. But we gotta do something! Ice King can't get close to PB!
Fionna: It's either the sanctity of Wizard Battle, or the safety of PB. What's it gonna be?
Finn: ...The safety of PB!
(They hop into the pile of wizard stuff and come out in disguise, Fionna is cover by a red cloak and has her hands out where the arms and legs should be and Finn has his head poking out of the head hole with a green hood and a blue eye mask)
Finn: Psst, how are we gonna do this?
Fionna: You know we've been practicing telepathy alot lately, right?
Fionna: So, we'll use that.
Finn: Awesome. They'll never suspect. Now, where's the Ice King.
(The wizards are warming up, Ice King is standing in a corner)
Fionna: Over there!
Ice King: (Checking his breath) Oh, yeah.
Finn: We need a plan, sis.
Fionna: Okay. When the wizards start to battle, let's go hide behind that rock.
(It is sunset, Princess Bubblegum is reflecting on her choice to become 18 again, and a tear comes to her eye)
Grand Master Wizard: By the rays of the setting sun, the battle of wizards has begun!
(Grand Master Wizard shoots a magic blast into the arena and the battle floor becomes covered in dust and magic spells, Finn and Fionna dodge the spells and hide behind a rock, when the dust clears the wizards are gone as the light come on in the night)
Fionna: Looks like everyone had the same plan.
(The wizards are hiding behind various objects)
Finn: What are they waiting for?
Abracadaniel: The opposites.
(A small wizard crawls out from behind rock behind Finn)
Abracadaniel: The wizards with opposite powers will take each other on first.
Finn: And are you a wizard?
Abracadaniel: Yes. My name is Abracadaniel. (Tries to make a rainbow appear but can only keep it up for a few seconds)
Finn: Hi, Abracadaniel. My name is, uh, Magic...Fist.
Fionna: (Pops his head out of the head hole) Whoa. This kid looks like a wimp.
Abracadaniel: Who's that?
Finn: She's my, uh, magic second head.
Abracadaniel: Well, she's right. (Sighs) I only entered this contest 'cause I thought the prize would be money. But it's just a kiss!
Finn: You mean, you don't care about kissing PB?
Abracadaniel: Blegh, no way. If I was the winner, I would turn my face so our lips (gasps) wouldn't touch and I would push Princess away. Turn and push, turn and push, turn and push...
Finn: (To Fionna): This guy is great!
Abracadaniel: ...turn and push, turn and push. Well, I'm going back to my cave to wait for someone to kill me. Goodbye.
Finn: Wait! Abracadanny, don't you worry about a thing. I'm gonna protect you.
Abracadaniel: You will?
Finn: Yeah, man. Also, I have an idea for how you can help me save PB's lips from Ice King.
Abracadaniel: Oh, okay. I know that the Ice King is the most hated person in Ooo.
(The sounds of a magic battle is heard, Ice King is fighting Flame Lord) Oh look, opposites are going to battle.
(In a private box, Flame King and Flame Princess (Fire Form) are watching Flame Lord battle)
Ice King: Yeaah!
(In the battle Ice King brings out nunchucks and hits Flame Lord)
Finn: (Gasps) Cheating!
(Ice King hits Flame Lord unconscious)
Finn: He's using a weapon!
Fionna: Why isn't the Grand Master Wizard seeing this?
(The Grand Master Wizard is playing with cats)
Ice King: Nun-chucks vanish! (The nun-chucks retract into his sleeve) Boo yah!
Flame King: CHEATER! That's what Flame Lord was supposed to do!
Flame Princess: No, daddy. Flame Lord did good. He fought a fair fight.
Finn: Now's my chance to stop him.
(The rock he is hiding behind opens its eyes and rises up)
Abracadaniel: Rock Wizard!
Rock Wizard: Arrgghh! Come to me, meteor shower! Rock Wizard compels you!
(The sky opens up and meteors fall)
(Abracadaniel shoots a rainbow over Rock Wizard)
Rock Wizard: Huh?
(The rainbow disappears and the meteors fall; one lands on Abracadaniel)
Finn: (Gasp) No! (Finn dodges the meteors) Fi, two o' clock!
(Fionna's telekinetic blast smashes an incoming meteor, Abracadaniel appears behind them)
Finn: Okay, now to stop the (Sees Abracadaniel) Ice Kiiing...?
Abracadaniel: My body is squishy. That's how I survived.
Finn: Whoa! That's turbo amazing!
(Ice King is screaming fighting sound, shooting magic and twirling his nun-chucks, Huntress Wizard jumps behind him, blast at him, misses and jumps away as Ice King swings his nun-chucks at her)
Finn: Stay close to me, Abracadaniel.
(They run into the crowd of battling wizards and run into Cyclo. Abracadaniel shoots a rainbow at him and turns him pink)
Cyclo: What?! You turned me pink, bro!
(Fionna blasts Cyclo and knocks him out and he lands on top of another knocked out wizard)
(Grand Master Wizard is playing with a cat and looks at the arena again)
Grand Master Wizard: Three wizards remain. Time to get real. I wanna see some crazy wizbiz!
(The crowd starts chanting "wizbiz!")
Ice King: Wizbiz! Wizbiz! Oh, I can almost taste those sweet lips. (Makes a make-out face; Abracadaniel cringes)
Finn: (Whispering) Quick, listen! Now's the time for you to help me. (Whispers in Abracadaniel's ear)
Ice King: Hey, guys. Guys? What are you whispering? Come on! I gotta a surprise for yous fools.
(They circle the Ice King)
Ice King: Yeah. That's right. Just a little closer. (Reaches into his sleeve) Ooh, what's in here? In my little sleevey hole? (Pulls out his nun-chucks)
Finn: (To Abracadaniel) Watch out, man.
Ice King: Whoo!
(Ice King swings his nun-chuck and Abracadaniel and he dodges)
Finn: You got this, Danny boy!
(Abracadaniel shoots a rainbow at the nun-chucks and turns them into a butterfly)
Ice King: My nun-chucks! Nooo!!
Abracadaniel: Yes! (Breathes hard) I did it! I really did it. I'm a true wizard.
(Fionna gives him a thumbs up; the butterfly flies overhead)
Ice King: I have powers too, you butts! Yahh! Ice sword! (Creates an ice sword) Ice Shield! (Creates an ice shield)
(Ice King heads towards them)
Fionna: We have powers, too, actually! Bound Sword! (Creates a sword of pure psychic energy) Bound Shield! (Creates a shield of pure psychic energy.)
Abracadaniel: Abracadaniel! (Shoots another rainbow at the butterfly and it turns back into the nunchucks)
Ice King: Wha? What you say? (Nunchucks fall on his head) B'oh! (Falls unconcious)
(The crowd cheers)
Finn: Good job, Danny. You're not a wimp anymore. You should feel pretty good.
Abracadaniel: I do. I feel real good.
Finn: I'm gonna forfeit now. I only wanted to stop the Ice King.
Fionna: (Pops out of the shirt) Uh-uh.
Finn: I forfeit! I forfeit, everyone!
(Grand Master Wizard turns him and Fionna into a cat; the crowd cheers)
Fionna: (Looks and sounds like Cake) Whoa. I could get use to this!
Grand Master Wizard: Abracadaniel wins! You are the greatest wizard in Ooo!
Abracadaniel: Oh, w-w-well thank you, Grand Master Wizard. I guess through this trial I have become a great wizard. I, I came here with no self esteem and no chances, a will o wisp of a boy, but I walk out this arena a man. A confident man! Who deserves a kiss from a princess!
(Finn gasps and his Finn arms bursts out of the cat's front paws and he tears his way out of the cat, as does Fionna, and Finn grabs Abracadaniel)
(Finn covers his mouth; Abracadaniel gets knocked out by Finn's scream)
Grand Master Wizard: It appears you have knocked out Abracadaniel using the most shameful of all magic, a power shriek. (The crowd grumbles in discontent) But since you are the last wizard, you are the winner of Wizard Battle. (The crowd cheers) Go get ready for your kiss, champ.
(In the locker room, Finn looks depressed)
Fionna: (Comes out from under the cloak) Finn, what was that about?
Finn: I don't know, sis. I, I, I don't want to kiss PB. Not after...
Fionna: Oh, Finn, I totally understand. You wanna just leave without the kiss?
Finn: I don't even want to see her...
(Footsteps are heard, Finn jumps back on top of Fionna, Grand Master Wizard opens the locker room door)
Grand Master Wizard: You ready in there?
Finn: Yeah, I'm coming. Coming to face oblivion.
(Finn walks back out into the stadium where some of the wizards are watching, Ice King is still unconscious, and Princess Bubblegum stands in front of her blimp with Banana Guards by her side; Peppermint Butler is singing "Ultimate Prize". Fionna starts turning to leave, when she trips on Rock Wizard, who pops his head out of the ground)
Finn: Ooh, whoa!
("Magic Fist" is revealed to everyone; everyone gasps and mumbles in surprise)
Finn: Oh, dag.
Princess Bubblegum: What's going on here?
Finn: Uh, Ice King was cheating his way through Wizard Battle using nun-chucks, so Fionna and I faked being wizards to save you from having to kiss him and and we uh, (Sighs) we dishonored Wizard Battle.
Princess Bubblegum: Oh, Finn. You didn't have to do that. The Banana Guard here would have stopped Ice King. And besides, you guys were using telekinesis.
Grand Master Wizard: I concur. It's a valid form of magic. You didn't dishonor Wizard Battle at all. If anything, you made this year's battle one for the record books! No one has ever won Wizard Battle using telekinesis! Usually the winner uses some boring old elemental spells or spam abjuration spells to outlast the others using attrition. Even I haven't mastered telekinesis yet, but you two have mastered it! Okay, which one of you wants to kiss the princess first?
Fionna: Woahohohoho! Slow down, cowboy! I don't swing that way!
Finn: I didn't even want the kiss, after what happened...
Princess Bubblegum: I understand, Finn. I'm still trying to getting over it, too. I'm so sorry. Alright, that's a wrap everyone. Let's go home and begin preparations for next year's Wizard Battle.
Fionna: It's alright, Finn.
Finn: Thanks, sis.
(Fionna puts Finn's eye mask back on Finn's face)
Fionna: Don't worry, 'cause you look totally cool right now.
Finn: Thanks, sis. (Puts the mask on Fionna) Here, you try 'em.
Fionna: Okay, am I cool now?
Finn: So fly.
Ice King: (Out of nowhere, wearing purple sunglasses) How 'bout me? Put me on the grid, scale of one to ten. One is "totally gross", ten is like, "Hey, Ice King. You look crazy sick."
(Meanwhile, in the Fire Kingdom's private box, FP has a look on her face that catches her father's attention)
Flame King: Something wrong, daughter?
Flame Princess: No, nothing's wrong. (To herself) You done did good, Finn.