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I got bored.
Summary for the literally-impaired
Finn, Jake, Flame Princess, and Lumpy Space Princess steal a missing artifact for the Candy Kingdom.
This is my (second) fanfic, in which it is non-canon, and all events have not happened. It is yet unknown how LSP’s relationship with Flame Princess is as far as the show goes now (though in All The Little People, their mini-versions were playing cards). The Snooty people are also fictional. Imagine them as humanoid creatures of different colors, wearing the kinds of clothes punk kids in an alley might wear, and the royal part of the Snooty Kingdom would have on some fancy British clothes that make them look uptight and whatnot.
It was a typical day here at the Snooty Kingdom. And by that, I mean that it was pretty disastrous. No one ever really went to sleep. The streets of the city were pitch black with a few dim lights on the side. You could look outside the windows to see group of thugs playing loud music on their boom box. “Hey, you crazy kids!” yelled an old man. “Turn down the music!”
“Make us, grandpa!” yelled one of the teens. “Why you-! I’m callin the cops on ya!” he retorted. Of course, the police of the kingdom would also become brats and usually not take their calls at all. Especially not this late at night. The fat officers would usually be taking their 6-hour coffee and donut break at this time. Some snooty residents would still be awake, partying so hard that their neighbors haven’t gotten any sleep in ages.
It was usually filled with chaos, but believe it or not, it used to be worse. There was more crime, and the kingdom was in a state of depression. It would occasionally be hit by some sort of natural disaster, or its government would be in debt, leading to an unstable economy.
It was only until the king of the snooty people decided to take action and thought of a plan. He went over to a neighboring kingdom, and pleaded with their leader to let them borrow one of their items. It was a good luck charm that would bring luck to the residing kingdom. After much consideration, the ruler handed it over, warning him to return it within a few months.
Snooty King returned to his land, keeping the ancient object well-kept in a room. Of course, being the leader of a group of selfish brats, he had kept the artifact for over a year now. Ever since then, the Snooty Kingdom grew out of their crisis, its only problem being that its inhabitants are complete wads. As for the kingdom that had once had it, they slowly began to weaken their residence itself. The leader knew the charm was rightfully theirs, and needed to do something about it. And that is just what would happen that night. At the far edge of the boundaries of the Snooty Kingdom was a dark figure. In the darkness, you wouldn’t notice its presence because it was wearing all black. The mission would be simple: break into the castle, steal the item, and escape without getting noticed. The burglar had already leaped into the shadows, making it to the entrance of Snooty Kingdom’s fortress.
Taking the front door was too risky, so it threw a grappling hook at the first window, broke in, and continued its search for the missing object.
Royal guards were everywhere. The mysterious person prayed to Glob to not be discovered. Running swiftly down the corridor, the figure passed to the right, escaping all of the guards. A flashlight was held in the burglar’s hand, lighting up the hallway that stood in front.
Walking down door after door, the intruder finally came to a stop at the end of the hallway, which led to a room with a giant vault door on the other side.
This must be where it’s kept, thought the thief. Not even bothering to try to guess the combination, the bandit decided to take measurements on the safe door. It was solid metal, but very flammable. A sudden thought occurred, How would this even be opened? After being prepared, I should have been smart enough to have brought some tools over! This is quite a facepalm moment.
An alarm went off behind the person, realizing that they were caught in the act. Some guards ran up to the door as the culprit began to make a run for it, but was soon grabbed by the arms. “Ey, boss!” said one of them. “We got the suspect!”
An obese figure began to make his way down the path. He was quite big, wore a royal cape and crown, and had a gold scepter on his right hand. He stood in front of the snatcher. His hand grabbed the black mask that she wore, revealing her pink hair and face.
“Princess Bubblegum,” he began to talk in his booming voice. “How nice of you to visit the castle they day before our little party.”
“Shut up, Snooty King,” said the princess. “You know what I’m here for.” “Ah,” said the king. “You were hoping to take our little good luck charm back to your candy castle and get away with it?” he asked sarcastically.
“You’ve had it for long enough now!” barked Princess Bubblegum. “The golden chocolate bar is an ancient artifact, and it belongs to Candy Kingdom! I should have never let you borrow it.”
“Relax, little girl. Tomorrow is quite the special day, as you know. It’s our annual festivity. I’ll just hand the chocolate over to you after that party.” Bubblegum was steaming at his stubbornness. “You’ll give it back the next day? That’s what you said last month, and the one before that, the one before that one, and so on. You are 8 months overdue.”
“Please, Bubblegum. Have some patience. If you continue acting like this, you may not receive your invite.” Princess Bubblegum scoffed. “Like I would actually go to your lame party for your obnoxious daughter. That’s a good one, Steven.” Snooty King sneered. “You are to address me by my royal name! Not Steven Rose, I am the King of the Snooty People! And you have just ruined your chances of coming to the royal ball! I do not want to see your face back in my realm again! Guards, take a picture.”
A guard holding a camera came up to take a picture of the surprised Bubblegum, who was still being held by the 2 thugs. “Say cheese,” he said. He took the photo and glued it to a paper that said ‘Do not allow on premises’. “Now, I’ll be kind enough to escort you back to your own kingdom in quite a quick amount of time,” said Snooty King. He went out the room, followed by his 2 minions who were dragging PB along the floor. Finally, he made it to an empty room that contained nothing but a catapult. It was facing out the window. Bubblegum was placed inside.
“Have a safe trip home!” exclaimed the king as the princess was flung back to Candy Kingdom.
“Uh, boss,” said a guard. “Do we just have to make sure she doesn’t show up here again?” Snooty King smiled. “Oh, I think she won’t try again after tomorrow night,” he responded. “I have a plan.”
He opened a door at the wall. It contained a large bomb, almost the size as he was. “This bomb,” he began. “With enough force, it will create an explosion large enough to affect an entire kingdom. At midnight of the next day, I will hurl it at that Candy Kingdom so that we never have to deal with them again.” He exited the catapult room. “Now, help me with the decorations for tomorrow night.”
Meanwhile, Princess Bubblegum was screaming as she flew in the sky, finally landing in a bush of flowers. The fall hurt, but she could still get up. “Ugh,” she said. “Now how can I steal the gold chocolate back?” As she entered the castle, she observed all that she knew. She had made a map of where she had found the door which led to the vault holding the golden chocolate bar. She had to retrieve it.
The kingdom was not doing so well, and the candy bar came from a long line of descendants. If she didn’t get it back soon, the Candy Kingdom wouldn’t endure much longer and may collapse. She couldn’t do anything about the lock, though.
All she could remember after that was how they would not let her return to Snooty Kingdom, an invite was needed to enter the party tomorrow, and that the vault was made from a strong, yet highly flammable material. Hmm, she thought about this for a moment. A highly flammable material.
That was a stupid move on Steven. She knew how to get her chocolate bar back. It would have to be a team effort, though. She began devising her plan, and decided to call her helpers once she was finished.
The next day came. “So,” PB began talking. “It’s a simple plan and if it goes well, we get our gold chocolate back. If you are somehow caught, just crash the palace building to the ground or something, as long as you can escape.”
Finn and Jake were sitting on chairs to her left, while the two princesses, Lumpy Space Princess and Flame Princess, were sitting on the right. “Now, before I explain in detail, who would like some refreshments?” asked Bubblegum. “I want some like, diet soda, because I’m on a diet,” LSP said. “I would like hot chocolate,” said Flame Princess. “I don’t want anything,” Finn exclaimed. Jake thought for a while. “I’ll have some steak,” he said. “Ooh, we’re all outta steak,” said Peppermint Butler. “I’ll be back with your drinks, your highnesses.”
“Now,” Princess Bubblegum said, “you’ll be split into two groups. One group will retrieve the missing candy bar. That will be Jake, who can stretch with his powers, and Flame Princess, who can burn a path through the locked vault. You can easily sneak into the party. The other 2, Finn and LSP, will attend the party to make sure the guests don’t become suspicious, especially the royal family. Since I became banned and did not get an invite, Lumpy Space Princess will use her invitation to get into the party. As for Finn, the flyer specified that an uninvited guest could enter if they chaperone the king’s daughter. Unfortunately, you will have to spend most of the time with her.”
Flame Princess spit out her drink. “Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. This is tea! It’s not hot cocoa.” “Sorry, your majesty,” said Peppermint Butler. He grabbed her drink and ran back out. “And what is this about Finn being on a date with some other girl?” “Don’t worry, Flame Princess,” said Peebles. “Snooty Princess is known for being an unusually snotty brat.” “That’s even worse!” she exclaimed. “Or is it? I don’t know. But Finn shouldn’t be with some other girl in a fancy party.”
“It’s just for a while,” PB told her. LSP interrupted. “I know I like got my invitation and all, but their parties are the most boring ever. And I can’t stand those people. They’re annoying, selfish, immature snobs.” Everyone stared at her, even Peppermint Butler who came in carrying Flame Princess’s hot cocoa. “My point is, I don’t wanna go to that party.”
“But you have to. Finn can’t monitor by himself.” “You’d have to pay me to go,” Lumpy Space Princess said. “Or get me some cool clothing or something like that.” Princess Bubblegum looked around and found something. She grabbed it and gave it to Lumpy Space Princess. “How about these?” she asked, handing her the sunglasses. She put them on. “Aww, yeah,” she said. “Imma look so good in that party. I’ll be the hottest girl in there!” Flame Princess gave LSP that dirty look.
“Now, as for the rest of the plan,” PB continued, “once everyone enters inside, you grab the chocolate, and escape without getting caught. See, told ya it was simple.” They nodded their heads in agreement. “WELL, IT’S NOT,” Bubblegum said, smashing her fist onto the table. “It’s heavily guarded in any area that isn’t associated with the festivity. So be careful with any guards you see in there,” said PB in her serious life-or-death voice. “Other than that, have fun,” she said in a cheerful voice as they were escorted to the kingdom.
As they were arriving, many cars began to pull into the driveway. Jake shrunk down as Flame Princess turned to a snake of fire, and easily passed the guards. LSP and Finn came out later.
“Ermagherd, this is gonna be such a boring party,” Lumpy Space Princess said. “I’ll probably eat all the food this whole time.” Finn needed to find Snooty Princess to gain access to the party. “Hm, where can I find her?” He began asking a bunch of girls. “Hey are any of you the Snooty Princess?” “Ew!” one of them responded. “How could you offend us by asking that question?!” She slapped Finn and they walked away.
These girls are crazy, Finn thought. He tried another girl. When he asked the same question, she smacked him with her purse. “What’s up with these people?” thought Finn out loud. He remembered what Princess Bubblegum had told him. Snooty Princess is known for being an unusually snotty brat, her words echoed in his mind.
“Get out of my head, Peebles,” said Finn. “Perhaps I could try calling her by her name? LSP, what’s SP’s name?” Lumpy Space Princess whispered it to him, and Finn went to a girl asked her “Are you Florencia?” She, like the other girls, slapped Finn. “You do not call me by my name! Everyone is to address me by the Snooty Princess. If you’re the chaperone, here’s a list of things I need you to do.” She pulled out a small sheet that unfolded to a 6 foot scroll. “UGH,” Finn groaned. Long list, long night.
Inside the party, Flame Princess had sneaked to the corridor and into the hallways. Jake was behind her, sneaking his way across the guards. “How can we find the room at this point?” Jake asked. “I dunno, do you want to go check the directory?” asked Flame Princess. “Let’s just check every room in this stupid castle. The faster we leave the better.” They tried about 20 rooms and still couldn’t find it.
Jake was getting tired and sleepy. “Is it ok if I take a nap?” he asked. “No, now pass me that walkie-talkie,” she commanded. She turned it on and called the other one. “Finn, where are you?” Finn felt his walkie-talkie and said “I’m inside. Have you found the thing? Over.” “You know you don’t have to say over,” she responded. “You don’t have to say what? Over.” “Never mind, and stay away from that Snooty Princess. She probably smells like cow turd or something.” “No, it’s more like goat poo.” He replied.
“WHO ARE YOU TALKING TO?” Snooty Princess questioned Finn. “Uh, no one,” he said. LSP grabbed his walkie-talkie and started talking. “Flame Princess! Hey girl, you should see how freaking lame this party is. Yeah, it just blows. I think I’ll just eat some chips and dip,” she said as she floated away.
“Uh, Flame Princess,” started Jake. “We’re on a mission.” “Oh right. Talk to you later,” she said hanging up on the walkie-talkie. They continued their search down the next row of doors when they heard 2 guards.
They were walking down towards them. “Hide!” Flame Princess whispered. Jake stretched to open a door that they both entered. It was a small dark room. “I think I heard something,” said a guard. “Probably nothing,” said the other. “But we should check just to be sure.” “It could be monsters!” said the first snooty guard in a shrill voice. “Or more intruders,” said the second one.
Flame Princess’s fire still lit the room, and it could expose them. “What do we do?” she asked. “Uh…” thought Jake. He stretched over and around her until he covered the light, leaving the room dark again. The guards opened the door, seeing nothing but a pitch black room. “Nothing here,” he said. He still flipped on the light switch.
“Dang it,” he said. “Darn light’s broken. We’re gonna have to replace it later.” The two of them left. Meanwhile, Jake and Flame Princess returned to their search for the gold chocolate.
“Stay quiet. We need to be covert and unseen,” the princess told Jake. They quickly passed through another opening, then down some more doors.
Back at the party, Finn was at the punch bowl with Lumpy Space Princess and Snooty Princess. Finn was being bored to death listening to Snooty Princess’s girl problems, but he pretended to care. LSP was eating all the food at the snack table. “This is so lumping good,” she exclaimed. “How much longer will they take?” Finn asked her. “Possibly hours,” she responded. “I wanna get out of this lame party too, but this food is keeping me busy.”
“Leave some for others, Princess of Lumpy Space,” said someone behind her. Twas the Snooty King. He turned to Finn. “And you must be my daughter’s date?” “Chaperone,” he corrected almost immediately. “Not that…I’m not interested in your daughter…which I’m not…”
He raised an eyebrow. “Get out of here, Dad!” said Florencia the Snooty Princess. “You don’t talk to him that way!” said a large woman close to them. She must obviously be the Snooty Queen. “Only I can. Don’t you have other things to do, Steven?” “I most certainly do not!” he declared. One of his royal buffoons whispered to him. “It seems I now have some things to be doing!” he said. “The guards appear to be hearing some strange noises, which could possibly be a burglary for our prized possession.”
Finn panicked and went back to discussing with LSP. “They’re getting suspicious. How much time do they need?” “How the lump should I know?” was LSP’s response.
“Hey!” yelled Snooty King. “What’s with the suspicious whispering back there?” he called to Lumpy Space Princess and Finn.
“Oh, nothing,” Finn replied. “We’re just talking about how fun your party is and that we’re having a great time,” he said shakingly while LSP rolled her eyes. “Ah, well continue having fun as I investigate.” And he left Snooty Queen complaining about some decoration and Snooty Princess thinking and eyeing Finn in a suspicious manner.
Finn went back to talk to his walkie-talkie. “Guys, how long do you need?!”
“Oh, we found the door,” Jake said to him calmly. “We did?” asked Flame Princess. “Yeah, this is the only room we haven’t searched, so it must be here,” he said. “Oh, but it’s guarded.” Two more guards were standing on either side of the door. “Well, this must mean it’s inside.” His hand turned into a small shape, and Flame Princess identified it as a rodent. Jake’s mouse hand began to scatter towards the door.
“Eek, a rat!” said one guard. “We’ve gotta kill it!” said his partner. “We can’t let vermin around this castle. Snooty King would kill us!” They chased it to the opposite side from which Jake and Flame Princess were. Jake quickly returned his arm back to position as the guards left.
They proceeded to the empty hall and in front of the doorway. Jake opened the door. “And inside is…”
Another door. Only this one was a vault door. Jake groaned. “Ugh, it’s just more doors. I quit for tonight. Goodbye.” “Wait,” said Flame Princess quickly. She observed the safe door. “This must be why they needed me here,” and she began lighting a fire in front of the door. Her fire began glowing brighter and stronger in power, and soon she lit it up strong enough to began melting away layers of the vault.
“It’s working,” she said, and soon there was a hole big enough for them to enter. When they went inside, they realized they were at the top of a platform. At the bottom was a glass jar with a shiny object in it, obviously it was what they came for. The only problem: it was surrounded by lasers.
“Hmm, you’d need to stretch me down there…” said Flame Princess. “It’s too hard for me to see anything up here.” Jake turned his arm to a long rope, grabbed Flame Princess, and threw her down.
She slowly kept moving down closer and closer to the chocolate. Then, their communication device rang. “Jake, do you have it yet?” Finn asked on the walkie-talkie.”Bloopity-blop,” Jake responded. “Yeah, we’re getting it, Flame Princess just needs to get past some lasers.” “Good, because Snooty Princess is getting so annoying right now.”
“What?!” Flame Princess yelled. “Tell Finn to go ahead and get out of the party. We need to find an escape route once I get the chocolate bar.” “Ok,” Jake said above her. “Finn go ahead and get out of that lame party.”
“Word,” Finn said. “Ok, so Snooty Princess…” “Hmm?” she looked up at Finn. She was in a conversation over who was cheating on who at her school. Not even LSP could have been interested in that. “So I’ll just be leaving now…”
Finn tried backing away slowly. LSP noticed him and took off her sunglasses. “Oh, uh, I gotta use the royal girl’s room.” They ran quickly, trying to find where the other two were. “Where are you guys?” he asked the walkie-talkie. “Well, let’s see,” Jake answered while scratching his head. He looked around. “There’s some lamps, and a bear carpet, not to mention some ugly paintings, and a table…ooh, with cookies!”
Finn and Lumpy Space Princess searched all around until they met up with them. “Ok, now that we’re all here,” Finn said. “Let’s try to find a way out. Do you remember the way out?” “Nnnnope,” replied the Flame Princess. “Let’s just bail,” Jake suggested. Before they could make any movement, they were spotted by a figure on the other side of the hallway.
“What are you doing?!” asked Snooty Princess in a loud voice. She noticed the chocolate bar in their hands. “You really think you’re gonna get away with that?” she asked. “Um, I can explain-” Finn began.
Snooty Princess stopped him. “That’s not even the real good luck golden chocolate bar from the Candy Kingdom,” she said. She held up a shiny object. “THIS is real good luck golden chocolate bar from the Candy Kingdom.” It looked just like the one they had.
“I figured someone would try to steal it on this special night, so I made a replica and switched them. But now, I’m gonna turn you in and you can’t have this one!” Jake stretched his arm over to her and grabbed it. “Oh,” she said. “Well, I’ll still turn you in!”
“Shut up, you snooty brat,” said Flame Princess calmly. Snooty Princess locked eyes with her. “What. Did. You. Just. Tell. Me. To. DO?!!!” “Stop being a wad, Florencia,” was Flame Princess’s response. “Or should I say…Slowrencia?” “You do NOT call me names!” she screamed. “Watcha gonna do, Slow Flo?” Flame Princess teased her.
Snooty Princess was steaming mad now. She ran towards the group as if to lunge at them. “Run!” yelled LSP. Everyone went to try to find an exit, but Florencia was on their trail.
“You’re not gonna leave with that!” she yelled behind them. They went around a corner and into a dead end. All they could find was a chute that went somewhere. Jake stretched his head inside it.
“It reeks in here,” he said. He came back up. “It leads outside, but to a dumpster. It’s also a long way down.” Snooty Princess was in front of them again. “You are not leaving this castle!” Flame Princess grabbed the chocolate. “Come get it, Slowrencia!”
Snooty Princess charged at Flame Princess, who was in front of the garbage chute. She quickly opened the hatch and stepped out of the way, letting the Snooty Princess fall into it. “Aaaaaahhhh!” she screamed. She closed it. “So long, smelly brat,” Flame Princess finally said.
“We have to get out of here. Now,” said Finn. But more steps were heard in the hall.
“I think I heard it somewhere here,” came the voice of Snooty King. Before anyone could move, the king had seen them, along with their chocolate bar. “Get them!” yelled the Snooty King to his 2 guards. They charged at them, but Jake quickly grabbed both of them and tossed them away. He sighed. “Why is my security so useless?”
They ran behind the king and tried to make their escape, but Steven Rose the Snooty King was also hot on their trail. Finn spotted a small window.
“In here!” he led them to the small room. They were about to leap out when they noticed the large lake full of piranhas, eels, sharks, and other deadly sea creatures that waited below them had they jumped into them.
Then came the breath behind them. Snooty King was at the doorway, breathing heavily. “Let me…catch my breath…” he gasped. He was clearly in unfit shape. LSP noticed the weapon to her side. A giant cannon was fully loaded, and it was in the same room as them.
“So…” started the king, regaining breath. “You have found my plan to get rid of the wretched Candy Kingdom. I was going to launch this missile straight at it and keep that gold chocolate all to myself, but you’ve discovered me.” He grabbed an ax from the wall and took a step forward. “And now, I’ll rid myself of you.” Jake’s arm looped around the missile in the launcher. As King Steven Rose ran at them, Jake put the cannon in front of him and trapped him inside. The helpless king tried to break free, but the gang put the cannon back towards the window and launched it. “Happy trails,” Finn said as the fat king was shot far away from his kingdom. “Now we have to get out of here,” said Finn to his group. “I think the guards have discovered us by now. Let’s just blow this place up,” Jake suggested.
“Good idea.” So they went outside of the small room and made sure to have enough room to throw the missile in Jake’s hand. He tossed it at the floor, making a huge gaping hole at it. It led to the first floor, where the party was still going. It immediately stopped when the citizens of Snooty Kingdom heard that explosion. Nearly all of them started screaming in terror. The four of them jumped down to the first floor, where there was commotion everywhere now. “Wow,” Jake said, looking up. “We left a mess upstairs.” The disaster from the explosion left most of the ceiling destroyed.
“We’re still going to have to smash the whole building so that no one here can target the Candy Kingdom again,” Finn planned. “HEY!” yelled someone. A guard had spotted them. “They’ve been sabotaging this party! Let’s get them!” he yelled to his fellow guards.
They had no weapons, so all they could do was throw random food that was left at the snack table. Finn took out his sword, slashing any food coming his way. Flame Princess burned all the food near her. Lumpy Space Princess ate hers. Jake grabbed most of the food, put it in a funnel, and ate it as well.
When they started to run out, Finn knocked some of them unconscious. “Let’s run out now,” Finn told the others. They began to go as Snooty Queen came out. “What is going here?!” she asked in her uptight accent. “Nothing!” yelled Finn as he passed by. Jake grabbed her and tossed her into the soda fountain, drenching her expensive dress in cola.
Guards were still chasing behind them, whichever ones weren’t knocked out. Flame Princess flamed some columns as they passed by them. They fell and crushed some guards. She did that with most of the ones in the way. The whole building was about to fall down. “What are you doing?” asked Finn. “We need to destroy the building anyways, don’t we?”
Flame Princess threw one more fireball at the last column, causing the entire building to collapse.
“Looks like Flame Princess is…” began LSP, putting on her sunglasses. “On fire today.”
“YEEEEEAAAAAHHHH!” yelled Finn as he and the others jumped out the window of the blazing castle. Jake quickly reached the bottom, turning into a trampoline and letting everyone else land safely.
“The chocolate,” said Jake. “Is it safe?” Finn pulled out the golden candy bar from his backpack.
“Alright!” he said. “High-five!” Jake’s arm turned into 3 different hands, high-fiving Finn, Flame Princess, and Lumpy Space Princess. “Now let’s get it back to Candy Kingdom.” As the four of them walked away, a rumble sound was heard on the side of the remains of the castle. Snooty Princess came out of the garbage chute, landing into the dumpster. They all turned back to face her.
“I guess she’s where she belongs,” commented Flame Princess. “ARGGGH!” yelled the Snooty Princess. “I’ll pay you all back for this! You’ll see!!!”
Lumpy Space Princess floated over to the dumpster and closed the lid, shutting it tight with the padlock on it.