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So liek, this is what the entire Romeo and Juliet play would be like, only with Adventure Time characters. Pointless, but whatevers. I blame boredom. Don't read if you don't want.
First, you should know this is all on the land of Ooo, but waaaaaay back then, in like, 14th century. Everyone wears funny clothes and whatnot. The entire cast consists of:
Romeo – Finn
Juliet – Flame Princess
Benvolio – Jake
Mercutio – Lumpy Space Princess
Paris – Brocko
Tybalt – Furnius
Nurse – Marceline
Friar Laurence – Ice King
Montague – Joshua
Lady Montague – Margaret
Capulet – Flame King
Lady Capulet – Flame Queen
Balthasar – Beemo
Prince Escalus – Lemongrab
Peter – Peppermint Butler
Friar John – Gunter
Rosaline – Princess Bubblegum
Sampson – Scorcher
Gregory – Torcho
Abram – Tree Trunks
Servant – Flambo
Apothecary – Lady Rainicorn
Narrator – Choose Goose
It takes place on two kingdoms, Fire Kingdom and Ice Kingdom, but rather than have Ice King be in charge of it, Jake/Finn's parents are the rulers. Ice King is just the lonely old friar in his ice cell, so he's known as Friar Simon. Then Marceline, who was proven to be able to visit the Fire Kingdom, will be Flame Princess' nurse, since she sorta dressed like one in that episode with Ash. So there ya have it. Nurse Marceline.
Now for Choose Goose to start this.
Choose Goose: (ahem) Here’s a spoiler: They die in the end.
Now to the story of Flame Princess and Finn.
Scene I. Land of Ooo. A public place.
Enter Scorcher and Torcho
Torcho: Scorcher, o' my word, we'll not carry coals. No, for then we should be colliers. I mean, and we be in choler, we'll draw. Whatever that means. I just hate working. I strike quickly, being moved. But thou art not quickly moved to strike. Sorry, I’m just talking to myself right now.
Torcho: I see you’re still giving me that silent treatment. No matter. I wonder, why is there a feud again? You know, between our Fire Kingdom and the neighboring Ice Kingdom?
Torcho: You’re right, I do suppose it’s just nature’s way. Glob, I just can’t stand those people either. They are not quite strong much like us. Sometimes I just wish I could battle them all. In fact, I may want to do that today. You know, just for laughs.
Torcho: Well, when you put it that way, I will! I’ll show that Ice Kingdom who it’s daddy is! Here comes an inhabitant! I shall bite my thumb towards them, which at this time of age, is a sign of disrespect.
Enter Tree Trunks and Beemo
Beemo: Doopity doopity bop. I don’t know where I am going.
Tree Trunks notices Torcho biting his thumb at her
Tree Trunks: Oh my, what a rude gesture. Do you bite your thumb at us, sir?
Torcho: I do bite my thumb, ma’am.
Tree Trunks: …Do you bite your thumb at US, sir?
Torcho: [Aside to Scorcher] Is the law of our side, if I say ay?
Torcho: No, ma’am, I do not bite my thumb at you, ma’am, but I bite my thumb, ma’am. Do you quarrel, ma’am?
Tree Trunks: Quarrel sir! No, I do not fight, sir. I just make some homemade apple pies.
Torcho: Well, I still challenge you to a du-el!
Tree Trunks: I decline your offer, because you know, I’m old.
Torcho: Well, madam, I just want to say…en garde!
Torcho draws out a sword and begins slashing it to Tree Trunks’ direction
Tree Trunks: Oh my, I do not have the time for this.
Jake: Part, fools! Put up your sword; you know not what you do. For the irony of it, I shall take out my own sword so you know what you are messing with.
Beats down the sword with his own sword
Furnius: Well well well, if it isn’t the Ice Kingdom inhabitants starting yet another fight in our very own town square. How typical. Turn thee, Jake, look upon thy death.
Jake: I didn’t start this, your men did! I do but keep the peace: put up thy sword, or manage it to part these men with me.
Furnius: What, drawn, and talk of peace! I hate the word, as I hate the Nightosphere, all Ice Kingdom inhabitants, and thee. Have at thee, coward!
Enter, several of both kingdoms, who join the fray; then enter citizens, with clubs, and the entire crowd of people begin fighting each other
Cinnamon Bun: Clubs, bills, and partisans! Strike! Beat them down! Down with the Fire Kingdom! Down with the Ice Kingdom! I don’t know whose side I’m on!!!
Enter Flame King and Flame Queen
Flame King: What noise is this? Give me my long sword, ho!
Flame Queen: A crutch, a crutch! Why call you for a sword?
Flame King: My sword, I say! Old Joshua is to come, and flourishes his blade in spite of me. Or I just want to fight him too.
Enter King Joshua and Lady Margaret
Joshua: Oh great, you guys again…
Margaret: Thou shalt not stir a foot to seek a foe.
Ice Kingdom Citizen: Guys look! It’s the Earl!
Enter Earl of Lemongrab
Lemongrab: I AM…THE EARL! OF LEMONGRAB!!! WHAT IS THE COMMOTION HERE?!!! YOU TWO! THE KINGDOMS…FIGHTING AGAIN?! THAT IS UNACCEPTABLE!!! YOU! FIRE KINGDOM ROYALTY! SEE ME! ICE KINGDOM ROYALTY, JOSHUA AND MARGARET! YOU SHALL SEE ME LATER! IF I SEE YOU GUYS STARTING FIGHTS AGAIN, I’LL KICK YOUR BUTTS OUT OF HERE! ARRRGH!!!!!
Exeunt all but King Joshua, Lady Margaret, and Jake
Joshua: Urgh, this is the third time this happened. Yo Jake, what caused it this time?
Jake: Oh you know, the usual. Furnius starting junk.
Margaret: O, where is Finn? I believe he skipped breakfast. Good thing he did not witness these malevolent actions.
Jake: I didn’t see him, but I think he’s…er, somewhere.
Jake: Oh, there he is.
Joshua: I’ll leave y’all to talk. Come, madam, let's away.
Exeunt Joshua and Margaret
Jake: Sup Finn.
Finn: Is the day so young?
Jake: It’s just 9 am.
Finn: Well, the morning went by fast. Was that dad you were talking to?
Jake: It was. Why so sad?
Finn: You know, I just feel lonely.
Jake: In love?
Jake: Of love?
Finn: Out of her favor, where I am in love. Or was. Hmm, I don’t even know.
Jake: It was Bubblegum, wasn’t it?
Finn: Yes, twas Bubblegum.
Jake: Oh well, I’m sure there are better girls.
Finn: Perhaps, but one like Princess Bubblegum, there won’t be one to repla-
Jake: Good Glob man, there’s much better ones than her. She’s pretty boring if you ask me.
Finn: I know, but the grief causes me to feel depressed, never have I felt as emotionless as when she pierced me into rejection. She'll not be hit with Cupid's arrow; she hath Dian's wit. O, she is rich in beauty, only poor, that when she dies with beauty dies her store. For beauty starved with her severity cuts beauty off from all posterity. She is too fair, too wise, wisely too fair to merit bliss by making me despair. She hath forsworn to love, and in that vow. Do I live dead that live to tell it now.
Jake: Sheesh, you don’t have to be so melodramatic about it. Listen, to get you out of your strange lovesickness, how about we go find someone’s party to crash? Because you know, carpe diem.
Finn: Tut, I have lost myself; I am not here. This is not Finn, he's some other where.
Jake: Bro, stop acting like this.
Finn: Alright, I’ll accompany you, hopefully trying not to remember of my once lived love interest with Bubblegum.
Jake: Be ruled by me, forget to think of her.
Finn: O, teach me how I should forget to think.
Jake: I’ll just tell you about this really cool fight that happened just this morning.
Finn: There was a fight?
Finn looks around at the ruins of the town square
I can’t believe I just now noticed all the destruction that surrounded me.
Scene II. A street.
Enter Flame King, Brocko, and Flambo
Flame King: So! Mr.…Brocko. You say you want to marry my daughter, now do you?
Brocko: O, yes, your highness! But now, my lord, what say you to my suit?
Flame King: Eh, looks good from what I see. My child is yet a stranger in the world; she hath not seen the change of fourteen years. Let two more summers wither in their pride, ere we may think her ripe to be a bride.
Brocko: Yeah, ‘cause you know, she’s hot.
Flame King: She gets that often. Now come! I must check the list of invited guests for our cotillion on this night.
To Flambo, giving a paper
Ayo Flambo, round up these people! Tell them there’s a party at my castle! This evening! We’re gonna go talk about important business stuff that does not concern you now. Excuse us.
Exeunt Flame King and Brocko
Flambo: I need to find a better job…
Enter Finn and Jake
Jake: And that’s where babies come from.
Jake: You still in the mood to crash parties now?
Finn: Nah, I wish I could have been in that fight though.
Jake: Why, Finn, art thou mad, brother?
Finn: Not mad, but bound more than a mad-man is. Oh, hello, good servant.
Flambo: Glob gi' god-den. I pray, sir, can you read?
Finn: Ay, mine own fortune in my misery.
Flambo: Perhaps you have learned it without book, but, I pray, can you read anything you see?
Finn: Ay, if I know the letters and the language.
Flambo: You must be kidding me.
Finn: Just kidding bro, I can read.
Reads invitation list
Let’s see here:
'Signior Burrito and his wife and daughters
Duke of Nuts and family
Wildberry Princess and her lovely nieces
My fair niece Bubblegum
Torcho and his cousin Furnius
Stan and the lively Doctor Lollipop.'
A fair assembly: whither should they come?
Flambo: I mean to our house.
Finn: Whose house?
Flambo: My master's.
Finn: Indeed, I should have asked you that before.
Flambo: Now I'll tell you without asking: my master is the great rich Flame King, and if you be not of the citizens of the Ice Kingdom, I pray, come and crush a cup of punch.
Jake: We do come from the Ice Kingdom, but we would still like to come to the party.
Flambo: Hmm, I could cast that Flame Shield spell on you…meh, what the heck, it’s partying.
Flambo casts Flame Shield on Finn and Jake
Flambo: Rest you merry!
Jake: Aw, it’s a Fire Kingdom party. Well, at least he made us blue and fireproof. And I heard Bubblegum’s gonna be there.
Finn: I don’t care about her anymore. I’ll just go to the party to check it out.
Jake: I can tell you’re lying.
Finn: You know me too well.
Scene III. A room in Capulet's house.
Enter Flame Queen and Nurse Marceline
Flame Queen: Marceline, where's my daughter? Call her forth to me.
Marceline: Huh? Oh, sure. HEY FLAME PRINCESS!
Enter Flame Princess
Flame Princess: What?
Marceline: Your mother.
Flame Princess: I am here, madam. What is your will?
Flame Queen: I want to talk about something with you. Nurse Marcy, give leave awhile. We must talk in secret. Nurse, come back again. I have remembered me, thou’s hear our consel, and I can’t make up my mind today. Now, you know’st my daughter’s of a pretty age.
Marceline: Yeah I know.
Flame Queen: She's not fourteen.
Marceline: But she’s…almost fourteen. How much longer again?
Flame Queen: A fortnight and odd days.
Marceline: Oh yeah, I still remember when you were that young. And when your mother was that young. And her mother. And her mother. And her maternal parent. And so on.
Flame Queen: We get it, you’re old.
Marceline: It’s just over 1000 years.
Flame Princess: So what did you call me in here for?
Marceline: No idea, your mom just wanted me in here, supposedly because I’ve worked in this house for so many centuries. And of all the people I had to nurse and babysit, you were the best so far. Or perhaps, the least terrible. And prettiest too. I’m sure one day, I’ll see you get married.
Flame Queen: Marry, that 'marry' is the very theme I came to talk of. Marriage, if you get what I mean. Tell me, daughter. How stands your disposition to be married?
Flame Princess: I don’t wanna.
Marceline: Really? Well, I suppose it has to do with you being so young, and you still have life to live.
Flame Princess: Nah, it’s just that I don’t see any guys that satisfy me.
Flame Queen: Well, think of marriage now. The valiant suitor Brocko seeks you for his love.
Marceline: I think it’s more of her decision though.
Flame Queen: But I am saying when the time comes, I think the best choice would be this Brocko gentleman, who is perfect and he’s been waiting to court her for his entire life.
Marceline: Again, deciding on the dude is also what she does.
Flame Queen: What say you? Can you love the gentleman? He’s gonna be here tonight, and look oh so very handsome. He’s a great guy, daughter, and I’m sure you’ll find delight writ there with beauty's pen; examine every married lineament, and see how one another lends content and what obscured in this fair volume lies. Find written in the margent of his eyes. This precious book of love, this unbound lover, to beautify him, only lack-
Marceline: Hey, Queen, you’re so going overboard with this. Like, totes exaggerating.
Flame Queen: Speak briefly, can you like of Brocko's love?
Flame Princess: I'll look to like, if looking liking move. That’s not a 100% yes, it just means partial. I’m not desperate.
Flambo: Oh Flaaaaaaaaame Queeeeeeeeen! The party is ready and the guests should be arriiiiiiiiiiviiiiiiiiiiing!
Flame Queen: We follow thee.
Flame Princess, the county stays.
Marceline: WOO LET’S PART-AY!
Scene IV. A street.
Enter Finn, Lumpy Space Princess, Jake, and Beemo with about five other dudes, torch-bearers, and others
Finn: I left my other sock at home. I always forget my other sock.
Jake: Oh, Finn. Whatever, let’s just get to the Fire Palace for this part-ay.
Finn: Give me a torch. I can’t see, and we’re at the not-very-bright part of the Fire Kingdom. I hear some real idiots live here.
Lumpy Space Princess: Go faster Finn, we must dance tonight.
Finn: Not I, believe me: you have dancing shoes with nimble soles. I have a soul of lead, so stakes me to the ground I cannot move.
Lumpy Space Princess: Pfft, drama queen. I can’t even wear shoes if I don’t have feet, can’t I? I could like, maybe put them on my hands or something, but that’s it.
Jake: Actually, I think the Drama Queen’s gonna be at this party too.
Finn: I'm depressed. I keep getting turned down by chicks before I even get a chance.
Lumpy Space Princess: You just need to find a girl who’s your type. Should I call one of my friends? I think some of my bff’s always talked about wanting to go out with you.
Finn: No, your friends are usually…strange.
Lumpy Space Princess: Fine, be that way, Finn.
Jake: So, uh, how about this party?
Lumpy Space Princess: Ugh, we’re wasting time not being at this party by not being at this lumping party!
Finn: I’m just saying, I feel we shouldn’t go to this festivity.
Lumpy Space Princess: Why, may one ask?
Finn: I dreamed a dream to-night.
Lumpy Space Princess: And so did I.
Finn: Well, what was yours?
Lumpy Space Princess: That dreamers often lie.
Finn: In bed asleep, while they do dream things true.
Lumpy Space Princess: Finn! Will you stop stalling us?!!! I’ve been wanting to get to this freaking party, but you lumptards are all like, ‘Oh, I feel lovesick and I’ve got strange dreams’ and ‘Why can’t you bring both of your socks to the party next time?’ and ‘BEEP BOOP BOP BLOOP BLEEP!’
Beemo: Haha, she imitated me perfectly.
Finn: LSP, chill out for a sec! You don’t have to worry so much!
Lumpy Space Princess: Well prove it to me! Let’s get on to the lumping Fire Palace so I can lumping crash their party, and the lumping boys can lumping watch me lumping boogying!
Jake: This wind, you talk of, blows us from ourselves. Supper is done, and we shall come too late.
Finn: That made no sense, but yeah. Let’s go to their celebration thingy now. Hopefully it can go well, though I fear, too early: for my mind misgives that some consequence yet hanging in the stars shall bitterly begin his fearful date with this night's revels and expire the term of a despised life closed in my breast by some vile forfeit of untimely death. But oh great and wise Cosmic Owl, that hath the steerage of my course, direct my sail! On, lusty gentlemen.
Beemo: Does anyone else notice how our four shadows are bigger than us?
Jake: Strike, drum.
Scene V. A hall in the Fire Palace.
Musicians waiting. Enter Fire Servingmen with napkins
First Servant: Where's Potpan, that he helps not to take away? He shift a trencher? He scrape a trencher!
Second Servant: Sure, whatever floats your boat, man.
First Servant: Away with the joint-stools, remove the court-cupboard, look to the plate. Good thou, save me a piece of marchpane; and, as thou lovest me, let the porter let in Susan Grindstone and Nell. Antony, and Potpan!
Second Servant: Yeah, if we can cut the chitchat and get on with our labors, that’d be great.
First Servant: You are looked for and called for, asked for and sought for, in the great chamber.
Second Servant: I’m sure you’ll be fired within the week.
Enter Flame King, with Flame Princess and others of his house, meeting the Guests and Maskers
Flame King: Welcome, gentlemen! And ladies. Anyone care to shake their booty on the dance floor?
Music plays, and they dance
More light, you knaves; and turn the tables up, and strengthen the fire, the room is grown too cool.
Fire Kingdom Citizen: Of course, your Highness.
Flame King: Ah, just look at all these guests! Some of them are so festive they’re wearing masks. Oh well, not that their identity is my biggest concern for this here evening. Aren’t you just enjoying yourself, daughter?
Flame Princess: Sure dad, whatever you say…
Flame King: [Talking to crowd] So as I was saying before, just last week I wrestled a this homeless guy who took my burger…
Finn: [To Flambo] What lady is that, the one next to the Flame King?
Flambo: Oh her? That’s his daughter, the Flame Princess. Soon to be ruler of the land. Yep, she sure knows how to melt the men in this room, hoo-hoo!
Finn: O, she doth teach the torches to burn bright! It seems she hangs upon the cheek of night like a rich jewel in an Ethiope's ear; beauty too rich for use, for earth too dear! I don’t understand how I can find the time to just randomly rhyme. Did my heart love till now? Forswear it, sight! For I ne'er saw true beauty till this night.
Furnius: Hmm, you sounded pretty corny to me.
Finn: What can I say? I have fallen in love once again. Adieu, fair gent.
Furnius: Hmm, that voice…should be from the Ice Kingdom! A trespasser from our enemy neighbor! He thinks he can mask his face and crash this party? To fleer and scorn at our solemnity? Nay! Now, by the stock and honour of my kin, to strike him dead, I hold it not a sin.
Flame King: Whoa there, Furnius! Wherefore storm you so?
Furnius: Uncle, this is an Ice Citizen, our foe. A villain that is hither come in spite to scorn at our solemnity this night.
Flame King: Young Finn is it?
Furnius: 'Tis he, that villain Finn.
Flame King: Now now, content thee, gentle coz, let him alone; he bears him like a portly gentleman, and, to say truth, he’s a pretty cool guy. Sorry, bad pun. I would not for the wealth of the entire town here in my house do him disparagement. Therefore be patient, take no note of him.
Furnius: But Uncle Flame King, he’s the villain here! I'll not endure him.
Flame King: He shall be endured. If you don’t like it, too bad. You’re not the king here. This isn’t your party. I don’t see you wearing a crown. Am I the master here, or you?
Furnius: Why, uncle, 'tis a shame.
Flame King: Go to, go to! You are a saucy boy. You perhaps need some anger management classes. Now get out of here!
Furnius: I’ll get rid of you, Finn…
Finn: [To Flame Princess] If I profane with my unworthiest hand, this holy shrine, the gentle fine is this: my lips, two blushing pillows, ready stand to smooth that rough touch with a tender kiss.
Flame Princess: How nice. Who are you?
Finn: I am a hero, but not just any hero, for I am your hero.
Flame Princess: Well for each hero, there is a princess, and that is what I am.
Finn: And a princess above all, you are. There may not be a princess in Ooo more beautiful than you are. I wish to kiss you.
Flame Princess: We just met. I’m not gonna kiss you if we just met.
Finn: Maybe if the time passes. Even though we’ve known each other for a few minutes, I have lost all feeling for any other girl in the land and have it all for you.
Flame Princess: You make me blush.
Finn: Have you ever eaten chocolate pudding? I have some if you want.
Flame Princess: I would like to try some, but perhaps for later eating.
Marceline: Flame Princess, your mom wants you.
Flame Princess: Excuse me, my nurse tells me I have to go.
Finn: What is her mother?
Marceline: Her mother is a mother. Duh. If you mean who she is, she’s the Flame Queen, ruler of the Fire Kingdom. If you’re still curious, her father is the Flame King, host of the party and ruler of previously said kingdom. And because you are so nosy, I’ll have you know tomorrow we are having enchiladas for brunch. Do you have any more questions?
Finn: Is she Fire Kingdom royalty? Wait, sorry, that’s a dumb question. O dear account! My life is my foe's debt.
Jake: Away, Finn. Let’s get out of here. Show’s over.
Finn: I will defy nature to be with Flame Princess.
Jake: Did you say something?
Finn: I did.
Jake: Oh. Well stop talking to yourself.
Flame King: By everyone, see you all next festivity!
Exeunt all but Flame Princess and Marceline
Flame Princess: Come hither, nurse. Who’s the guy over there?
Marceline: The son and heir of old Mr. Creampuff.
Flame Princess: No, I mean the guy that now is going out of door?
Marceline: I think that be young Bon-Bon.
Flame Princess: I MEAN WHO’S THE GUY I WAS TALKING TO?!
Marceline: I’ve no idea.
Flame Princess: Go ask his name.
Marceline: Oh sure.
Marceline leaves and comes back
His name is Finn, and an inhabitant of the Ice Kingdom; the only son of your great enemy.
Flame Princess: My only love sprung from my only hate! Dang it! Stupid luck. I did not see it coming that I must love a loathed enemy.
Marceline: What's this? What do you mean?
Flame Princess: I, uh, may have…*cough* falleninlovewithhim *cough*. Oh, look at the time. Bye!
Marceline: Everyone’s gone. Well, time for bed!