Scene I. A public place.
Enter Lumpy Space Princess, Jake, and others
Jake: LSP, let’s retire. The day is hot, the Flames abroad, and the hotter it is, the more powerful they feel. If we meet, we shall not scape a brawl; for now, these hot days, is the mad blood stirring.
Lumpy Space Princess: I get it Jake. You’re trying to wuss out. If those hotheads try fighting with me, I won’t turn down. They asked for it.
Jake: Come on LSP, we should get to our daily chores.
Lumpy Space Princess: Pfft, you think I like chores? Your mood is as moody as a moody Italian guy whose mood is a result of his doom, which, by the way, is mood backwards.
Jake: I’m just saying.
Lumpy Space Princess: I don’t care if Lemongrab exiles me for fighting these turds, it’ll be worth it.
Jake: By my head, here come the Fire Kingdom citizens.
Lumpy Space Princess: You think I give a lump?
Enter Furnius and others
Furnius: Ugh, the Ice Kingdom people. Gentlemen, good den: a word with one of you.
Lumpy Space Princess: Well if it isn’t the Prince of Cats himself. What’s up Furnius?
Furnius: I need to talk to your friend, Finn—
Lumpy Space Princess: You want to mess with Finn? You’ll have to get through me!
Jake: Shh! Guys, we’re still in a public place. Go somewhere private if you don’t want to get in trouble, or else depart; here all eyes gaze on us.
Lumpy Space Princess: Men's eyes were made to look, and let them gaze; they’re probably just staring at my sexy body.
Furnius: Well, peace be with you, as the one I was looking for is here now.
Lumpy Space Princess: Lump off, you sucker.
Furnius: Finn, the hate I bear thee can afford no better term than this—thou art a villain.
Finn: Furnius, the reason that I have to love thee doth much excuse the appertaining rage to such a greeting: villain am I none; therefore farewell; I see you don’t know me.
Furnius: Boy, you’ve got no idea with what you’re messing with here. This shall not excuse the injuries that thou hast done me; therefore turn and draw.
Finn: I do protest, I never injured thee, but love thee better than thou canst devise, except you don’t know the reason of my love. So, good Fire Citizen—whose name I tender as dearly as mine own—be satisfied.
Lumpy Space Princess: If you’re not gonna fight this jerk, I will!
Furnius, you rat-catcher, will you walk?
Furnius: Will I walk? Sure. What wouldst thou have with me?
Lumpy Space Princess: Good king of pussycats, nothing but one of your nine lives that I mean to make bold withal. You will fight me unless you desire to be poultry!
Furnius: I am for you.
Finn: Please LSP, put your sword up.
Lumpy Space Princess: Advance towards me, brethren!
Finn: Lumpy Space Princess, stop fighting Furnius! Oh Glob, what would the Earl say about this?
Furnius under Finn’s arm stabs LSP
Furnius: Oh firetruck…
Furnius and the other Fire Kingdom citizens flee
Lumpy Space Princess: Oh, I am hurt! A plague o' both your houses! I am sped. Did I win?
Jake: What, art thou hurt?
Lumpy Space Princess: A scratch, a scratch. Need not to worry. I may be fine, I think.
Finn: Courage, man; the hurt cannot be much. Plus, at these times, a cut is sort of like a death sentence, you know.
Lumpy Space Princess: No, the cut isn’t that deep. Ask for me tomorrow, and you shall find me a grave man…that’s a pun. I am peppered, I warrant, for this world. A plague o' both your houses! This bumps, man. Why came you between us? I was hurt under your arm.
Finn: I thought all for the best.
Lumpy Space Princess: Help me into some house, Jake. I need rest or I shall faint. A plague o' both your houses! They have made worms' meat of me: I have it, and soundly too…your houses!
Exeunt Lumpy Space Princess and Jake
Finn: And to think I’ve been part of Furnius’ family in this past hour…
Jake: O Finn, Finn, Lumpy Space Princess is dead!
Finn: That wretch will have to pay for what he had done…
Jake: Here comes the furious Furnius back again.
Finn: Alive, in triumph! And LSP slain! Oh heck naw!
You must have courage to show your face back here again, Furnius. You had killed LSP, and I challenge thee. Her soul rests a little way above our heads. Now one of us must go as well to keep her company.
Furnius: Hmph, just proves all you Ice People are the same: a bunch of wild animals. I accept.
Finn: This shall determine who the real wild animal is.
Finn draws out his sword
They fight; after a few minutes of fighting, Finn loses his sword and faces Furnius, who is about to stab him; Finn grabs a nearby bucket of water, throws it at him, and Furnius falls as he is put out
Jake: Finn, away, be gone! The citizens are up, and Furnius dead. Stand not amazed: the prince will doom thee death. If thou art taken: hence, be gone, away!
Finn: O, I am fortune's fool!
First Citizen: Which way ran he that killed Lumpy Space Princess? Furnius, that murderer, which way ran he?
Jake: There lies that Furnius.
First Citizen: Here come the royal families.
Enter Lemongrab, attended; King Joshua, Lady Margaret, Flame King, Flame Queen, and others
Lemongrab: WHAT??? ANOTHER FIGHT?!!! WHO STARTED IT?
Jake: O noble Earl, I can discover all. The unlucky manage of this fatal brawl: there lies the man, slain by young Finn that slew brave Lumpy Space Princess.
Flame Queen: Furnius, my nephew! O my husband’s brother's child! Those good-for-nothing Ice Citizens killed you!
Lemongrab: Dog! Who began this? Whose fault? Someone will be punished!
Jake: Alright, so like, LSP and I were just chilling, right? Heh, chilling. Then Furnius just comes up with his crew and he’s like, ‘I need to talk to Finn about something,’ and LSP was all like, ‘Oh no you ain’t!’ and then Finn comes in and Furnius be hating on Finn for nothing. So LSP got mad at that fool and they were fighting. Finn did try to break them up from it, but they wouldn’t do it. Furnius sort of just stabs LSP and she dies. She was being all dramatic at first, being like, ‘A plague on both your houses!’ and ‘Ask for me tomorrow and you shall find me a grave man.’ Oh, ha. I see what she did there. Now Finn got angered and challenged Furnius out of frustration, and then Furny died. Now Finn is guilty about what happened from this, so he stepped out.
Flame Queen: He’s being biased just because he is part of the Ice Kingdom family. He’s just trying to make Finn look good and Furnius bad. I beg for justice, which thou, Earl, must give. Finn slew Furnius, Finn must not live.
Lemongrab: Finn slew him, he slew LSP; who now the price of his dear blood doth owe? Gah, I am confused!!!
Joshua: Not Finn, Lemongrab, he was LSP's friend. His fault concludes but what the law should end the life of Furnius.
Lemongrab: AND FOR THAT OFFENSE, IMMEDIATELY DO WE EXILE HIM HENCE! ELSE, WHEN HE IS FOUND, THAT HOUR IS HIS LAST! DO YOU HEAR ME?! THAT HOUR IS HIS LAST! FINN IS BANISHED!!!!!
Scene II. Fire Palace orchard.
Enter Flame Princess
Flame Princess: Lalalalala. O, how I do wish to see my husband. We are just now married and I do wish to see him. I wish the time of getting to be with him could go by faster. Come, night; come, Finn; come, thou day in night. Give me my Finn, and, when he shall die, take him and cut him out in little stars, and he will make the face of heaven so fine that the world will be in love with night and pay no worship to the garish sun. The sun which burns so brightly as the Fire Kingdom cannot compare to the current night, for the night shines bright and causes the sun to appear as a simple campfire.
Marceline: Knock knock knock knock. Did somebody say vampire?
Flame Princess: Haha, no nurse. I said campfire. Now, what news?
Marceline: Ooh, how can I say this…?
Flame Princess: What’s wrong?
Marceline: Well, there’s bad news and…bad news. I’m sorry to tell you this, but…he’s dead. He’s just dead.
Flame Princess: Who is? Gasp, don’t tell me…!
Marceline: No, no, not your husband.
Flame Princess: That’s a relief, but if not him, then who?
Marceline: Furnius, your cousin, had been put out by Finn during a fight.
Flame Princess: Oh no, this is terrible! What happened after that?
Marceline: Furnius is gone, and Finn banished; Finn that killed him, he is banished.
Flame Princess: O Glob! Did Finn's hand shed water on Furnius?
Marceline: It did, unfortunately.
Flame Princess: Oh, this is terrible! If Finn is banished, we won’t be able to see each other again!
Marceline: Well, sucks for you.
Flame Princess: Mayhaps my father can try convincing the Earl to unbanish him? No, most likely not, for Furnius’ death only adds to the hate he has for the Ice Kingdom family. If I can only see that hero Finn once more.
Marceline: Will you speak well of him that killed your cousin?
Flame Princess: Shall I speak ill of him that is my husband? How can he do this to me after we’ve been married for three hours? But, wherefore, villain, didst thou kill my cousin? That villain cousin would have killed my husband. I realize I do not weep for Furnius any longer. My husband lives, that Furnius would have slain, and Furnius is dead, that would have slain my husband. All this is comfort; wherefore weep I then? But, it presses to my memory, 'Furnius is dead, and Finn—banished.' That 'banished,' that one word 'banished,' hath slain ten thousand Furniuses. His death was woe enough. There is no end, no limit, measure, bound in that word's death; no words can that woe sound. Where is my father, and my mother, nurse?
Marceline: Weeping and wailing over Furnius’ corpse. Will you go to them? I will bring you thither.
Flame Princess: The only thing saddening me more than my cousin’s death is the banishment of my husband.
Marceline: Fine. If you want, I’ll find Finn for you to comfort you. He is probably hidden at the Ice Friar's cell.
Flame Princess: O, find him! Bid him come to take his last farewell.
Scene III. Friar Simon Petrikov's cell.
Enter Friar Simon
Friar Simon: Finn, get over here. You’re being a coward, and that’s something I usually am.
Finn: Ice Friar, what news? What is the Earl's doom? I fear whatever the punishment, I would be separated from my Flame Princess.
Friar Simon: Oh, you’re just getting banished from this town. No death
Finn: Ha, banishment! Be merciful, say 'death,' for exile hath more terror in his look, much more than death. Do not say 'banishment.'
Friar Simon: You’re banished Finn, and that’s final.
Finn: There is no world outside these walls, but purgatory, torturous, Underworld itself. Hence-banished is banished from the world, as I could never be with my lady again.
Friar Simon: Finn, calm your beans. The Earl sentenced you to banishment and spared you death.
Finn: 'Tis torture, and not mercy: heaven is here, where Flame Princess lives. If I am banished from this place, I may no longer have the will to live.
Friar Simon: You are not going to freaking die. Be grateful.
Finn: Being banished is about as worse.
Friar Simon: FINN! GET. AHOLD. OF YOUR FREAKING. SELF.
Finn: Oh, I’ll have to accept the fact that I can no longer be with Flame Princess. My life will become a hollow shell from there on.
Friar Simon: Man, a lot has happened in just 2 days, am I right? Marriage, death, banishment…
Friar Simon: Arise; one knocks. Oh no, it may be the police! Finn, hide yourself.
Finn: They can do whatever they want to me, I’ve lost all care in this world.
Friar Simon: Hark, how they knock! Who's there? Finn, arise. You will be taken. Stay awhile!
Run to my study. By and by! Glob's will, what simpleness is this! I come, I come!
Oh breadballs. Who knocks so hard? Uh, no one is home! Housekeeping!
Marceline: [Within] It’s just me! I come from Lady Flame Princess.
Friar Simon: Oh, come in then.
Marceline: Sup Simon. Where’s Finn?
Friar Simon: There on the ground, with his own tears made drunk.
Marceline: Wow, he looks worse than I thought. Yo Finn, get up!
Marceline: Well, I heard you were banished.
Finn: Why must you remind me? How’s Flame Princess?
Marceline: O, she says nothing, sir, but weeps and weeps, and now falls on her bed, and then starts up, and Furnius calls; and then on Finn cries, and then down falls again.
Finn: All this is caused by me, and it never should have been. Oh, the terribleness of my greatest day of my life suddenly becoming my worst. I should just end it all here.
Drawing his sword
Friar Simon: Whoa there, Finn! Hold your desperate hand. Are you a man? Your tears are womanish, like mine sometimes are, but your wild acts denote the unreasonable fury of a beast: unseemly woman in a seeming man! Did you kill Furnius? Would you slay yourself? Do you think your wife would like of how you put hate upon yourself? What, rouse thee, man! Flame Princess is alive, for whose dear sake you were but lately dead; there art thou happy: Furnius would kill thee, but you slew'st Furnius; there are thou happy too. The law that threatened death becomes your friend and turns it to exile; there art thou happy. You need to accept what life had given you, man! Nurse Marceline, tell Flame Princess her husband is coming. This may be the last time they see each other. Also, find Flambo so he can give Finn some Flame Shield.
Marceline: Sure, I’ll tell her, and then get Flambo.
Friar Simon: I’ll find some reservations in Hotel Kingdom, where you can stay during your exile.
Finn: I feel a bit better now. Thanks, Friar Simon. Farewell.
Scene IV. A room in the Fire Castle.
Enter Flame King, Flame Queen, and Brocko
Flame King: Too bad about what happened to Furnius. Well, we were born to die.We didn’t have time to talk to our daughter about our arrangements with you. 'Tis very late, she'll not come down to-night. I promise you, but for your company, I would have been in bed an hour ago.
Brocko: Yes, what’s been going on has been very sad indeed. These times of woe afford no time to woo. Madam, good night: commend me to your daughter.
Flame Queen: I will, and know her mind early tomorrow. Tonight she is, well, sleeping.
Flame King: Sir Brocko, I will make a desperate tender of my child's love. I think she will be ruled in all respects by me. Acquaint her here of my son Paris' love, and bid her, mark you me, on Wednesday next—but, soft! What day is this?
Brocko: Monday, my lord.
Flame King: Monday! Ha, ha! Well, Wednesday is too soon. Thursday let it be. Thursday, tell her she shall be married to this noble prince. If only Furnius were here to enjoy this with us, but oh well. But what say you to Thursday?
Brocko: My lord, I would that Thursday were tomorrow.
Flame King: Well get you gone. Tomorrow we’ll tell her our plans about her marriage. Good night.
Scene V. Fire Palace orchard.
Enter Finn and Flame Princess above, at the window
Flame Princess: Do you have to go so soon? The night is hardly over.
Finn: It’s almost daytime, which means morning. I must be gone and live, or stay and die.
Flame Princess: If you could only stay. My life will be so empty if you were to go.
Finn: It’s either exile or death, and both are going to kill me anyhow.
Flame Princess: It gets closer to morning. I can already see the sunlight.
Finn: More light and light; more dark and dark our woes!
Enter Marceline, to the chamber
Flame Princess: Nurse?
Marceline: Your mom wants you. Again.
Flame Princess: Hate my life. Goodbye Finn! I shall miss you and everything about you, except maybe when you farted a bit last night. I’ll need to get out my scented candles for that.
Finn: Farewell, farewell! One kiss, and I’ll descend.
Flame Princess: No time! Hurry and just go down before my parents catch you!
He goes down
Finn: Wait, we’re married, but I don’t think we’ve ever kissed.
Flame Princess: Dang, you’re right. But this isn’t the time for that. If this were a different situation, probably, but no, you’ve got to go now!
Finn: Farewell! I will omit no opportunity that may convey my greetings, love, to thee.
Flame Princess: Maybe while you’re at that, you can speak a bit more normally. Do you we shall ever meet again?
Finn: Perhaps only in dreams. Until then, I leave you with the thought of me. Adieu, adieu!
Flame Princess: Wait, dang it! I let him borrow my Heat Signature DVD and now he can’t return it!
Flame Queen: [Within] Ho, daughter! Are you up?
Flame Princess: Yeah, what do you want?
Enter Flame Queen
Flame Queen: Why, how now, Flame Princess!
Flame Princess: Mom, I am not well.
Flame Queen: Oh, because Furnius died, right?
Flame Princess: Yeah, let me weep for such a feeling loss.
Flame Queen: But I’ve news to share with you.
Flame Princess: Oh, what is it?
Flame Queen: Well, there’s good news and…good news. I’m happy to tell you this, but…he’s banished. The villain is just banished.
Flame Princess: What villain madam?
Flame Queen: That same villain, Finn.
Flame Princess: Um, Finn? Oh come on, mom. Finn can’t be THAT bad for you to call him a villain if he’s a hero.
Flame Queen: He’s not a hero, to us at least. It could be that all of the Fire Kingdom is evil, but he had taken the life of one of our own I remind you. And now the traitor murderer lives.
Flame Princess: Yeah, he’s, uh…pretty bad. If I would see him, I would like totes burn him up.
Flame Queen: We will have vengeance for it, fear not. Then weep no more. I’ll send a hitman or someone like Scorcher to get rid of him for us. Perhaps one from the Guild of Assassins could do it too. Then he shall soon keep Furnius company, and then, I hope, you will be satisfied.
Flame Princess: Indeed, I never shall be satisfied with Finn until I see him dead. I completely think my cousin was innocent and do mourn for our loss of him. And I’m not just saying or acting this because it’s what you want to hear.
Flame Queen: That’s a good girl. Now I have more good news!
Flame Princess: What are they?
Flame Queen: Well, well, your father found a good suitor for you, and he’d like to marry you!
Flame Princess: Oh! Um, uh, do you…really think I should be married at this time?
Flame Queen: Of course! Marry, my child, early next Thursday morn, the gallant, young and noble gentleman, Brocko, shall happily make you a joyful bride.
Flame Princess: Now hold up now! He shall not make me there a joyful bride. I don’t want my marriage to be fixed with some dude I just heard about! I will not marry yet, and, when I do, I swear, it shall be Finn, whom you know I hate, rather than Brocko, and it’s not like I’m actually married to Finn or anything, I’m just saying.
Flame Queen: Here comes your father. Tell him yourself, and see how he will take it at your hands.
Enter Flame King and Marceline
Flame King: How’s everybody doing this morning?
Flame Queen: Your daughter declines her prepared marriage with Sir Brocko.
Flame King: Say what?! Really? Well, you just disappointed me, daughter.
Flame Princess: You can’t force me to get married, dad.
Flame King: Now, wait a second! Who’s in charge here again? I give you a gentleman of true class and you spat him out in front of our faces? What madness is this?
Flame Princess: Dad, let me speak. You suck.
Flame King: Alright, that’s the last straw! You think everything in your life is bound to happen in your way, the way you think it should? I care not for your opinion any longer, for you are getting married to Brocko, and that’s final! If you won’t, you may never look my in the eye again, and I will no longer call you my daughter. If you weren’t our only child, I’d burn you senseless on the spot.
Marceline: Whoa! Dude, you’re being harsh.
Flame King: Am I? Do I care for the thoughts of the daughter’s nurse if I don’t even care for the daughter’s?
Flame King: Exactly.
Marceline: May not one speak?
Flame King: Peace, you mumbling fool! My decision stays, and no one will change it. Ever!
Flame Queen: You are too hot. Actually, that is an understatement, since you’re made out of fire.
Flame King: Glob's bread! It makes me mad. Everyone think they can do whatever the flame they want and forget I am their king! This is an outrage. If you need me, I’m going to go take a lava bath.
Flame Princess: Mom, please! You can’t make me marry him!
Flame Queen: Talk not to me, for I'll not speak a word. Do as thou wilt, for I have done with thee.
Flame Princess: Why does everyone in this house speak all old-fashioned to me?! O Glob! O Marceline, how shall this be prevented? My husband is Finn, not that poser Brocko!
Marceline: Well. Let’s see. Finn’s not coming back. He’s not allowed to. Brocko is a far better gentleman than Finn. Your parents like Brocko. They hate Finn. Brocko being married to you is actually approved by your parents. If they knew you were married to Finn, they’d do something terrible like disown you, exile you as well, or maybe even just abandon you. Now you are asking me for the logical solution out of this mess.
Flame Princess: You really mean I should forget Finn and marry Brocko?
Marceline: Do the math I just told you and you’ll see that was the answer.
Flame Princess: There can be another way out.
Flame Princess: Well, thou hast comforted me marvelous much. I’m beat for today. Goodnight Marcy.
Flame Princess: Looks like I have to visit the Ice Friar.