Sigh. At least this one isn't so long. Well, as short as it gets. Still painful to write.


Scene I. Friar Simon Petrikov's cell.

Enter Friar Simon and Brocko

Friar Simon: So, you wanted this wedding on what, Thursday?

Brocko: Flame King wanted it so, and I will not refuse.

Friar Simon: Kissup. So what does the lady want?

Brocko: Alas, I know not of what is on Flame Princess’ mind, as immoderately she weeps for Furnius’ death, and therefore have I little talked of love.

Friar Simon: Boy, what a fool this guy is…oh look, sir, here comes the lady towards my cell.

Enter Flame Princess

Brocko: Happily met, my lady and my wife!

Flame Princess: Shut up, I’ll never be your wife.

Brocko: That never you speak of will become false, love, on Thursday next.

Flame Princess: You’re wasting my time with this, Brocko.

Brocko: Hm. Come you to make confession to this father?

Flame Princess: I didn’t come to have some dude kissing my butt to me.

Friar Simon: Ooh, burn.

Brocko: Why must you act like this?

Flame Princess: If you are a man, why must you not act like one?

Brocko: Give me time, and you will see you can fall in love with me.

Flame Princess: I’m sorry, am I the bride here, or are you?

Brocko: Well, that’s a bit harsh—

Flame Princess: I’m not even going to be your bride in the first place, so you can just marry yourself!

Brocko: Poor soul, you’ve been crying.

Flame Princess: You probably cry when you get a paper cut. Shut up.

Brocko: Oh, so sorry to hear about your cousin.

Flame Princess: It’s not him. It’s someone else.

Brocko: Well, remember that you’ll always have me.

Flame Princess: GO AWAY!

Friar Simon: She plays difficult to get.

Brocko: Fine, fine. I’ll go now. Adieu, my love.


Flame Princess: I hate him. Grod, I wish Finn could be here!

Friar Simon: We all wish Finn were here.

Flame Princess: Friar, I came here to ask: do you have any way Finn and I can see each other again?

Friar Simon: Well, I do have this thing you can take, if you seriously don’t want to marry Brocko—

Flame Princess: Yes! I’d rather do whatever you have in mind rather than marry Brocko!

Friar Simon: Alright, let me get my calendar out first. Wednesday is tomorrow. Tomorrow night, make sure you’re alone in your chamber. Take this vial I had made. It will cut off all pulses and circulations in your body, making you look dead. Your veins will grow cold, your body temperature lowered, and your family will think you have been put out. No warmth, no breath, shall testify you live. The roses in thy lips and cheeks shall fade to paly ashes, your eyes' windows fall, like death, when he shuts up the day of life. You shall be unconscious for two days, then awake as from a pleasant sleep. Your parents will send your supposedly dead body to the Fire Tomb, where you will no longer be bothered. In the mean time, I’ll send Finn a letter. I got lonely quickly, so we became pen pals. I’ll tell him about our plan, and he’ll come here to rescue you when you wake up. Then, with both of you gone, you’ll be able to live your lives freely together.

Flame Princess: And…you had this conveniently made for just now?

Friar Simon: Um, yeah. I have lots of spare time on my hands, you know.

Flame Princess: Give me, give me! Give me that miracle potion!

Friar Simon: Hold up, let me get you some.

Flame Princess: Let’s hope this works. It won’t kill me though, right?

Friar Simon: Uhh…

Flame Princess: Good enough for me!


Scene II. Hall in Fire Palace.

Enter Flame King, Flame Queen, Marceline, and two Servingmen

Flame King: Servant, get out of here and do stuff.

Exit First Servant

Et tu, go hire me twenty cunning cooks.

Second Servant: Twenty?!

Flame King: You’re right. There will be tons of people. Forty-five!

Second Servant: You can’t be serious.

Flame King: Go, be gone. Shoo. Out of my sight. Hasta la vista.

Exit Second Servant

Where is my daughter?

Marceline: Ice Friar Simon Petrikov’s cell.

Flame King: When you say it that way, it sounds like a restaurant.

Marceline: Well, she’s here now.

Enter Flame Princess

Flame King: How now, my headstrong! Where have you been gadding?

Flame Princess: I’m sorry for being a disobedient brat and I beg your pardon. Henceforward I am ever ruled by you.

Flame King: Now that’s more like it. What about marrying Brocko?

Flame Princess: I met him in Simon’s cell and treated him…nicely.

Flame King: Well, isn’t this merry! Speaking of marry, I’ve decided to move the wedding a day earlier! It’s on Wednesday now.

Flame Princess: Wednesday?!

Flame King: Go, nurse, go with her. We'll to church tomorrow.

Exeunt Flame Princess and Marceline

Flame Queen: We shall be short in our provision. 'Tis now near night.

Flame King: Don’t worry I’ll do the preparations myself. Just go and wash the dishes or something.


Scene III. Flame Princess’ chamber.

Enter Flame Princess and Marceline

Flame Princess: Nurse, let me get some rest tonight so I can rise early in the morning.

Marceline: Why? You trying to keep secrets away from me?

Flame Princess: Um…no.

Enter Flame Queen

Flame Queen: You busy? Anyone need my help?

Flame Princess: No mom. We’re good. Get out.

Flame Queen: Fine. Good night. Get thee to bed, and rest, for thou hast need.

Exeunt Flame Queen and Marceline

Flame Princess: Gob, this house is so annoying. What if this potion doesn’t work? What if it fails and I do die? You know what, I’m gonna stop being hysterical and drink it, because I’m sure if I keep blabbering, I’ll probably wake up too late.

Flame Princess drinks the liquid mixture

She falls upon her bed, within the curtains

Scene IV. Hall in Fire Palace.

Enter Flame Queen and Marceline

Flame Queen: Hold, take these keys, and fetch more spices, nurse.

Marceline: Whatevs.

Enter Flame King

Flame King: Wow, is it 3 am already?

Marceline: Yeah, why don’t you get to bed?

Flame King: I have better things to do! Make yourselves useful and go do things too!

Flame Queen: Fine.

Exeunt Flame Queen and Marceline

Flame King: A jealous hood, a jealous hood they are!

Enter three or four Servingmen, with spits, logs, and baskets

Now, fellow, what's there?

First Servant: Things for the cook, sir, but I know not what.

Flame King: Make haste, make haste.

Exit First Servant

Sirrah, fetch drier logs. Call Peppermint Butler, he will show thee where they are.

Second Servant: I have a head, sir, that has an ache at the moment, and never trouble Peppermint Butler for the matter.


Flame King: Sheesh, what’s wrong with my help today?

Music within

Marcy! Wife! What, ho! What, nurse, I say!

Re-enter Marceline

Go waken Flame Princess, go and trim her up. I'll go and chat with Brocko. Make haste; the bridegroom he is come already. Make haste, I say.


Scene V. Flame Princess’ chamber.

Enter Marceline

Marceline: Flame Princess! Oh, Flame Princeeeeeess!!! Your daddy wants you! Hmm, silence. Flame Princess! Get over here! What, not a word? Are you still alive there, FP?

Undraws the curtains

What the heck? Flame Princess! Wake up! You seem cold, and your fire’s not burning. Flame Queen, come here!

Enter Flame Queen

Flame Queen: What noise is here?

Marceline: Look at your daughter!

Flame Queen: What is the matter?

Marceline: Are you blind, woman?!

Flame Queen: Oh no, she’s not well! Call help, call help!

Marceline: YO F-KING!

Enter Flame King

Flame King: For shame, where’s Flame Princess?

Marceline: Um…dead.

Flame Queen: Alack the day, she's dead, she's dead, she's dead!

Flame King: I heard you the first time. Let me see if what you say is true. Alas! She's cold. Her blood is settled, and her joints are stiff. Life and these lips have long been separated. Death lies on her like an untimely frost upon the sweetest flower of all the field.

Marceline: Yeah, sucks, don’t it?

Flame Queen: O woeful time!

Flame King: Bad timing, too.

Enter Friar Simon and Brocko, with Musicians

Friar Simon: Come, is the bride ready to go to church?

Flame King: Ready to go, but never to return. She died.

Brocko: Oh no! This is such terrible news!

Flame Queen: My only daughter, dead!

Marceline: It’s too bad, because I thought Brocko would be a great addition to the family. Not.

Brocko: I am most miserable on this day!

Flame King: Alright guys, we can lament later. Friar, what say you?

Friar Simon: Don’t look at me! I didn’t do it! Oh wait, you’re not accusing me, are you? Well, I say we ought to have the proper funeral for her.

Flame King: Yes, we must turn from wedding cheers to mournful sorrows. Tell everyone, they must be informed of my tragic daughter’s death.

Exeunt Flame King, Flame Queen, Brocko, and Friar Simon

First Musician: Faith, we may put up our pipes, and be gone.

Marceline: Sure, you do that. Not a good time to be here and…you know.


First Musician: Dang, what’s everyone’s problem today?

Enter Peppermint Butler

Peppermint Butler: Ah, we meet again, music demons.

First Musician: Peppermint Butler, quite the fancy seeing you here.

Peppermint Butler: I work here. So, do you bring music?

First Musician: We do of course, that’s why we are musicians.

Peppermint Butler: Good, then play us a tune to exit us out.

First Musician: No.

Peppermint Butler: Do as I say or I’ll call Death upon you as well.

First Musician: What will you give us?

Peppermint Butler: No money, as we just need something to finish this.

First Musician: Ok, then.

Musicians play as Peppermint Butler sends them all back to the Underworld

Peppermint Butler: Your services are no longer needed!