This article is a transcript of the Adventure Time episode "Vamps About" from season 7, which aired on November 17, 2015.

Gumbald's Cabin
This transcript is incomplete.


[In a forest, a group of vampires are playing instruments.]
Fool: Hey, this is nuts, right? [floats over to Vampire King] Look, I've got both my teeth. [points] Look! I lost one in a box turtle once. Also, I used to be dead.
[The Vampire King grabs him and sucks his tooth out of his mouth.]
Vampire King: Mwah! [spits out tooth, which hits Fool in the eye] Fool, this is life. Get a hot dog if you can't take the bun.
Empress: Pah! It tastes different here. Where are we? It's like we fell asleep on a raft and woke up in strange seas.
Hierophant: Hmph! "Fell asleep"? We died. The demon Marceline staked us all. Why are we back? How did it happen? Listen—I dunno and I don't care. We're alive and I'm going to get eating.
Empress: Ugh.
Fool: [tries to put tooth back] Ahhh... Does anyone have any milk for this? [to cow] Do you, like, carry milk?
Cow: Moo!
[Vampire King places his hand on the cow's head.]
Cow: Moo?
Empress: This is well and good for you, Hierophant, all you ever needed was a forest and something hot to chew on.
[The Hierophant gnaws on his balalaika.]
Empress: Where are the comforts of the old hive? The minions... the blood... the good blood with the gold leaf flaked into it.
Vampire King: The gold leaf was stupid. It didn't taste like anything.
Empress: We had standards! It doesn't matter when we are or where we are, because... we are. We must start rebuilding our realm. There's life here, and I bet it's pathetic.
[The Vampire King starts dancing with the cow and humming.]
Empress: We march in, we take control, and we rebuild the hive! My king, are you listening?
Fool: I dunno. Like... [yawns] What if we just got a loft downtown?
[The Empress shoots a beam from the gem on her forehead at The Fool.]
Fool: Whoops, I'm hypnotized. [slaps himself] Whoa-oh-oh-oh-oh!
[He falls on The Moon headfirst, his hat damaging her head. She shakes him off, and her head regenerates.]
Fool: [laughs] Good old backwards egg!
Cow: Ugh. Ugh! I don't like to dance. I'm a wallflower.
[Vampire King bites the cow.]
Cow: Oh! Ugh.
Hierophant: My king, surely you agree that this is our chance to go back to our old ways. Surely diverging from the old ways is what made us vulnerable the first time. Surely—[groans]
[Vampire King telepathically constricts The Hierophant and levitates him.]
Vampire King: "Surely"?! Surely? Shirley J. Temple! [releases Hierophant]
Hierophant: Oh! [lands with a thud]
Vampire King: I am your king, and I say it's a new era! Old-fashioned ideas have no place here.
[The Hierophant transforms into a boar.]
Hierophant: [growls] Do what you like! I know what's right. [runs off]
Empress: If you're going to caterwaul like this, then I may as well start building my army. Hasta luego, turds. [walks off and disappears]
[The Moon backs away into the forest, leaving a trail of bubbles. The Vampire King is still dancing with the cow, and The Fool is playing a drum.]
Cow: Oh... gettin' dizzy...
[A tiny Jake emerges from underneath a leaf, terrified and gasping for breath. He runs off.]