This article is a transcript of the Adventure Time episode "Who Would Win" from season 4, which aired on September 3, 2012.

This transcript is complete.


[The episode opens with Finn and Jake standing at the edge of a large canyon.]
Jake: What'cha think?
Finn: I can make that driz, no problem.
Jake: It's crazy far, man.
Finn: Naw, that's just a perspectal illusion. It looks far 'cause the cliff's lower.
Jake: Eh, go for it.
[Finn backs up, runs, and jumps into the canyon, making it about halfway across.]
Finn: Whoo! Shoot!
[Jake stretches arms to catch him and pulls him back up]
Finn: Almost.
Jake: Not really.
Finn: What? Watch me, fool! [jumps again] Hup. WAAAAAAH!
[Jake jumps down after him, grabs onto Finn's back, and shapeshifts like a flying squirrel. They fly out of the canyon and continue gliding.]
Finn: I did it! Psych. [smacks lips] Hey, you know what? This is cool, just having bro time for once.
Jake: What, like, no ladies?
Finn: Or dudes, or whatevs. It's just a chore sometimes.
Jake: Yeah, two people is mad efficient.
[They fly towards a lake with a barn half-submerged in the middle. Dozens of Marauders are climbing on it and yelling.]
Finn: Whoa.
Jake: It's a beach brawl!
Finn: Looks like they're trying to drown a barn.
Jake: That's not a barn. That's a dude!
[The Farm lifts his head and punches the water, sending Marauders washing up on the shore. Finn and Jake land nearby.]
Finn: Holy fizzle! [to a Marauder] What's goin' on here, tough boy? [sits on the Marauder's arm] What is that huge dude?
Marauder: He's the Farm, the legendary fighter of the Shiney Isles. I came here to participate in his open challenge, but this mother can't be beat!
The Farm: Give up, worms! My fight power is supreme! [punches water] I'm too freaking legendary for you! [drops Farm animals and punches a Marauder.]
Marauders: [chanting] Train, Train, Train, Train!
Finn: Whoa!
[The Train is shown on a nearby cliff.]
Marauder #1: I love you, the Train!
Marauder #2: You're almost as legendary as the Farm, the Train!
The Train: The Train is gonna smack you down on his tracks! Whoop! [jumps down from cliff into lake] Your caboose is mine! [runs toward the Farm] Choo-choo. Choo-choo!
Finn: Oh, my Glob.
The Train: [now under the Farm] Choooo!
[The Farm sits down on the Train and stands back up.]
The Train: Ow. My legs are backwards! Oh! [the Train kicks him ashore] Oh, you're mean! [farts]
Finn: Did you just die?
The Train: No... the Train will chug on. My friend makes bionic legs. I'll be better than before.
Finn: [gasps] I want bionic legs! Who's your friend?
The Train: Yeah, right. It's secret! [begins dragging himself away] Ah! Don't follow me. [continues] Oh! The Train can do this. [continues moaning]
Jake: You don't want bionic legs. It ain't natchy.
Finn: I don't care about natchy.
Jake: Let's discuss this later.
[Various beaten-up Marauders groan.]
The Farm: You guys wanna fight me?
Finn: [to Jake] You think we can beat him?
Jake: Yeah way, we can't! He's the ultimate!
Finn: But if we beat him, we'll be crazy legends.
Jake: Man, I already am a legend in other aspects of life. Third highest score in Kompy's Kastle, bro. [holds up three fingers] Third... in the Candy Kingdom.
Finn: Jake, that's your legend. This could be our legend. Brogend!
Jake: Okay. How are we gonna beat him, then?
Finn: Train!
Jake: He can't even walk.
Finn: No, man, train up, like, get ripped!
Jake: Yeah, I was just kiddin'. Let's destroy that guy! [points to the Farm]
Finn: We're comin' back for you, the Farm! After we train!
The Farm: [coughs] Yeah, that's cool.
Finn: We're gonna annihilate you, the Farm!
The Farm: Mm'kay.
Finn: I'm gonna do a finishing move on you! Alright! Yeah! [laughs] [runs off] C'mon, Jake!
Jake: [follows Finn] Whoof. [coughs]
[Montage begins with Finn doing the splits. Jake does them easily and continues stretching. Next, Finn does double dutch with Jake's stretched arm as Jake picks his nose. Then, Finn punches the air as Jake does a somersault.]
Finn: Hyah! Hyah!
Jake: Let's see your Chokey Brokey Style!
[Finn performs the move on Jake.]
Jake: [strangled] Nice one.
Finn: Yes!
Jake: Now watch my... Something Style. [closes his eyes and punches Finn]
[Jake's punches become weaker until they do not even connect.]
Finn: Huh?
[Video game music plays as Jake continues weakly punching in Finn's direction. Finn looks behind Jake and sees that Jake stretched his eyes to the back of his head and is playing a game.]
Finn: Jake, you're playing Kompy's Kastle?
Jake: Huh? Whoo! Uh... yes.
Finn: Winning this battle could take our reputation to a whole new level!
Jake: Look, I'm a full-grown dog of my own, and I need to play Kompy's Kastle every day so I can maintain my rank.
Finn: So, you don't care about fighting the Farm?
Jake: I never really take anything seriously... 'cept Kompy's Kastle.
Finn: Hi-yah! [karate chops Jake's game out of his hands]
[Kompy appears behind the cracked screen alongside the words "Jake I've always had a crush on you." Then the screen goes black, and it starts to rain.]
Jake: I'm gonna break every bone in your body, then heal you later with that magical goo we got from the Cyclops' eye! [grows huge fists] AAAH! [smashes Finn]
Finn: Ouch.
Jake: [now giant-sized] [picks up Finn] Apologize!
Finn: [trying to escape Jake's grip] Never! [punches and grabs Jake's finger flesh]
Jake: I'm gonna turn up the juice!
Finn: [shaped Jake's flesh to look like Jake's face] And I'm gonna drink it! [punches the face]
Jake: [gasps] My little face!
[Finn climbs up Jake's arm, grabs onto Jake's eyeball, and starts smacking it. Jake brings his hand in, but Finn climbs on top of Jake's head, causing Jake to squish his own eye.]
Jake: Ouch! [punches his head where Finn is, but Finn climbs onto his nose] Ow. [punches his nose, but Finn jumps off] Oh! [starts spanking himself] Where are ya? Huh?
Finn: [laughs]
Jake: Huh? [sees Finn]
Finn: Apologize for not taking training seriously!
[Jake punches Finn, knocking him down. Jake tries to kick him, but misses. Finn runs into a fallen hollow tree.]
Jake: Come out, you chicken nug! [stretches into tree]
Finn: [turns around and punches Jake] Huh!
Jake: Ow.
[Finn keeps running as Jake tries to punch him. Finn falls into a hole in the tree and gets stuck. The tree is revealed to be bridging the canyon as Finn struggles to get out. Jake stretches past him and forms a row of dozens of feet on the bottom of his body. He then begins stretching backwards over Finn, as each foot kicks him in the face.]
Finn: [groans]
Jake: Apologize to Kompy's Kastle!
Finn: [weakly] No. You apologize for not taking training seriously.
[Jake grows huge, breaking the fallen tree and causing the two to fall. In midair, Finn hawks a loogie and spits in Jake's face.]
Jake: Ehh, gross!
[Finn kicks Jake, who hits the ground first. Finn then falls on top of Jake and rolls away. The tree then falls on Jake.]
Finn: [laughs]
Jake: [groans]
[Jake stretches out from underneath the tree, walks toward Finn, and tries to punch him. Finn grabs Jake's wrist and twists it repeatedly, turning it red.]
Jake: Ow! [pushes Finn down and slaps his head]
[Finn throws mud in Jake's eyes.]
Jake: AAH! My eyes! [wiping mud away] Cheap move, you butt rag!
Finn: You! You're the cheap move!
[Jake pulls down Finn's pants.]
Finn: Huh? Pants! [kicks Jake away] Huh!
Jake: Oh!
Finn: I'm really gonna wipe you now.
Jake: [growing his buttocks] Bring it on, bro! [squishes Finn underneath his buttocks]
Finn: [chomps]
Jake: OUCH! Ow! O-o-o-ow! No bities! [stretches to normal size] Grrrrr! [barks]
Finn: [pulling up his pants while walking away] I'm gonna down the Farm without you.
Jake: I'm gonna knock down the Farm just so you'll never know the taste of downing the Farm!
[Scene changes to the lake, where the Farm is sleeping.]
Finn: Yo, guess what? Guess what, homey? I put in the time. I'ma make you mine.
[The Farm wakes up and walks toward them.]
Finn: Yeah, that's right. Come and get this.
The Farm: [yawns] [smacks lips] So, what? Both at the same time? I'm cool. You gonna fight this, the Farm? [laughs] Okay.
Finn: Just me. I don't need this [points to Jake] clown-town.
Jake: The only way you're gonna win is if you use your cheap moves.
Finn: [yawns, falls asleep, and starts snoring]
Jake: Hey. [touching Finn's hair] Come on! You gotta fight the dude!
[The Farm punches Finn into the ground.]
Finn: Ah! I can't see! Walk me to the light!
Jake: Yeah, that's what you get.
[The Farm punches Jake into the ground, stands over them, and drops some farm animals on them. A wave washes them further away. Finn sees a cloud that looks like a car.]
Finn: [sleepily] Cloud looks like a car. [closes eyes]
[Finn and Jake wake up in a dream world surrounded by cars and a blue man.]
Dream Warrior: Awaken to your dream, Finn and Jake.
Finn: Whoa. Who are you?
Dream Warrior: I am the Dream Warrior. I've summoned you to hang with me in your together dream.
Finn: Are you gonna show us a move to beat the Farm?
Dream Warrior: First, listen. Then, wake up.
Finn: Alright.
Dream Warrior: I have cheap cars. My cars are che-e-eap.
Finn & Jake: [trance-like, with closed eyes] My cars are cheap.
Dream Warrior: But they drive bad when I turn out the lights! [punches a headlight]
Finn & Jake: Turn out the lights.
Dream Warrior: [now wearing green pants] These sweatpants have another name.
Finn & Jake: Another name.
Finn: Yeah. Don't you always call sweatpants "give-up-on-life pants," Jake?
Jake: I do, because peeps need to respect themselves when they leave the house... even if it's just for ice cream, or TP, or whatev.
Dream Warrior: [holding two gold apples] Two shiny golden apples, ripe enough to bite.
Finn & Jake: Bite.
Dream Warrior: [bites the apples] That's all I gotta say for now. Get lost.
Jake: What is going on here, Dream Warrior?
Finn: Yeah, what's this all about?
Dream Warrior: [sprays a hose at them] Nap's over, sorry.
Finn & Jake: Ow!
[Scene changes back to lake. Finn and Jake wake up.]
Finn: Whoa. That... was a good nap.
Jake: Hey, did you dream about Dream Warrior?
Finn: Yeah. What was he trying to tell us, exactly?
Jake: I don't know; I didn't get it. But listen, man. I'm sorry I got mad at you. Who cares about my high score at Kompy? It ain't important.
Finn: No, man. It is important. Being the third best at something is math and deserves respect. Not like I did to Kompy. Anyway, I think we both got cranky after all that training.
Jake: Well, good thing we're rested, 'cause now we can beat this beast.
Finn: Yeah. Oh, hey! Look!
[The beaten up Marauders return, cheering from the cliff.]
Jake: Dudes came back to watch us fight!
Finn: A'ight. This is it. Let's use what we learned in training.
Jake: Uh, all we did was fight dirty with cheap—wait.
Dream Warrior [flashback]: My cars are che-e—che-e-eap
Jake: Dream Warrior was telling us what cheap moves to use on the Farm! Headlights mean eyes!
Finn: Mud in the eyes!
Jake: Give-up-on-life pants!
Finn: [pants down] Pull down his pants like you did to moi!
Jake: Two golden apples!
Finn: Hm. I think I know what that means.
Jake: Well, sure. I can make a wild guess.
Finn: You ready, man?
Jake: Yeah, dude!
[They bump fists.]
Jake: [whispering] Put your pants on.
Finn: [deep voice] Okay.
[Finn piles mud onto Jake, who is shaped like a catapult. Jake flings the mud into the Farm's eyes. Finn then jumps onto Jake, who stretches up and pushes the barn up the Farm's body, exposing the Farm's buttocks. Finn and Jake then bite the buttocks, and the Farm falls down.]
Marauders: [cheering]
[Finn and Jake, each wearing a Medallion of Brogends, are lifted up by the Marauders. They high-five and clink their medals together.]

Episode ends