This article is a transcript of the Adventure Time episode "Wizard" from season 1, which aired on May 10, 2010.

Wizard Village
Grand Hall of Wizardry
Grass Lands
This transcript is complete.

Transcript Edit

[The episode begins with Finn and Jake walking through the Grass Lands.]
Finn: Hey, Jake.
Jake: Yeah?
Finn: You ever wonder what a demon's heart looks like?
Jake: Of course, dude.
Finn: You ever wonder what a demon's heart tastes like?
Reaper: Hey, kid... You want some magic powers...? Magic powers for absolutely free...
Finn: Heck yeah!
Jake: [To Finn] Wait! Let's not be too rash! Just look at this guy! [The reaper chuckles menacingly.] Check out the sunken, lifeless eyes... The foul stench of decay... You know what that means?
Finn: Means he's evil, I guess.
Jake: Well, evil, sure... but mostly, he's unattractive, and unattractive people are desperate. You should haggle with him!
Finn: [To Reaper] Hey! I want more than just free powers! What else ya got?!
Reaper: Alright... Free magical powers and... [Pulling left arm off] Eh! And this keychain.
Finn: [Jumping excitedly] OH! OH! OH!
Jake: [Whispering] Play it cool, Finn.
Finn: Right. [To Reaper, faking] I begrudgingly accept your offer.
[Storm clouds begin to cluster above the reaper.]
Reaper: [Menacingly] Yes... Then the deal is struck! [Lightning flashes] WAHAHAHAHAHA! [Storm clouds abruptly go away.] You can pick up your powers right through that door. [A mystical, dangerous-looking portal suddenly appears next to him.] [Holding up a sign that says "FREE MAGICK"] This way...
[The Adventure Time logo spins onto the screen. The sword goes through the logo. The scene shifts to a realm in which there is a wizard training facility. Finn and Jake fall from the portal and land here.]
Finn: This place looks magical. You think this is where we get the powers?
[Door opens.]
Host: Yes, I do. [Emerging from door] Free powers for all. Want some?
Finn: Yeah! Are you the guy handing 'em out?
Host: You seek Bufo, the wizard!
Finn: So, where's that guy?
Host: [Indicating his person] He is here, of course.
Finn: Uh...
Jake: He's here... but he's not you.
Host: That's right.
Jake: [Making his fist bigger] We should beat 'im up until he starts makin' sense!
[The host shrinks in fear and expands his neck. Tadpoles emerge.]
Bufo: [All speaking simultaneously] We are Bufo!
Finn: Ohhhh...
Bufo: [One tadpole is lagging behind this time] So... you wish to be inducted into the ancient order of—[Only one tadpole speaking] Dang it, Leonard!! If we don't talk at the same time, nobody can understand us!
Tadpole: Sorry... geez...
Bufo: [All speaking simultaneously] Ahem... So... You want free wizard powers... Powers like... [Creating mystical energy blasts from the host's hands] these!
Finn & Jake: [Excitedly] Hahaha! Yeah! We want 'em! Give us the stuff!
Jake: Oh, boy!
Finn: Yes, we do! Can't wait!
Bufo: [Slowly retreating to the building] [Mysteriously] Then follow....
[Finn and Jake enthusiastically follow.]
Finn: Whoo-hoo!
Jake: Whoo!
Bufo: Behold the Grand Hall of Wizardry! [Camera pans to show wizard students training.] This is where young potentials train to become Ultimate Wizards! Most are not ready for the responsibility that comes with it.
Finn: [Cheerfully] I'm responsible, dude!
Jake: Yeah! So am I!
Finn: [Still cheerfully] That's a lie!
Jake: It is a lie... and I take full responsibility for it!
Bufo: Yes, yes... very responsible. Now I bestow upon you these wizard cloaks!
Finn & Jake: Whoa!
[They don the cloaks.]
Finn: Hey! This is a dress!
Jake: Yeah! And I am into it! It's, like, gossamer!
Finn: [He stuffs the bottom of the cloak into his shorts and unhoods.] This way I won't be embarrassed!
Bufo: Fine, fine. Now for every power that you accrue, [Creating star badges on cloak] you shall receive a star badge like these. [Pointing to big star on cloak] This final star betokens the rank of Ultimate Wizard!
[Finn and Jake gasp in awe.]
Finn: Mark me, Jake. I shall have that final star! [To Bufo] Where do we start?!
Bufo: Level 1—Dustomancy.
Finn: Yeah! Dustomancy! Whatever that is! Gimme gimme gimme gimme gimme!
Bufo: To receive this power, you must first... [Making two brooms appear] eat these brooms.
[He gives the brooms to Finn and Jake.]
Finn: Alright. [He and Jake begin.] Ah, wait! [Spits out splinters and sticks tongue out, showing splinters on tongue] This is gross!! Man, I can't eat this!
Jake: Yeah, you can! Do what I do! RAAAAWR!! [Increases size then eats broom with ease. He shrinks back to his normal size, but the broom remains the same size.] Oops. [Slightly increases size] Ah, there we go.
[A star forms on Jake's cloak. Finn and Jake make amazed noises.]
Finn: Whoooaaa! You got a star!
Jake: Haha! Observe my magics!
Finn: Wait, Jake! Don't use 'em until I finish my broom! [Gnaws furiously on broom. Scene transition; Finn and Jake are sitting on the floor. Finn's broom is almost completely eaten.] [Weakly] Last... bite... [Eats it]
[A star appears on Finn's cloak.]
Jake: [Rising up] Dude, you got your star, too!
Finn: [Rising up] WE'RE DUSTOMANCERS! [Strains trying to use powers] Nothing happened! This is a total ripoff!! Bufo! You tricked us! Stupid power doesn't even work!!
Bufo: Calm yourself, boy. [Strikes Finn] You are acting hysterical. Do you not see that you are using Dustomancy? Behold...
[A dust mote appears.]
Finn: I'm doing this? So... I have—
Bufo: Yes. Mastery over all dust motes. You can also read their emotions. For instance, this mote is very unhappy in his marriage.
Jake: Well, that's... sorta cool.
Finn: "Sorta" cool?!? THIS IS RADICAL!
Jake: Whoo, yeah! Force that enthusiasm!
Bufo: Are you ready for more magic?
Finn: We get more?!
Bufo: So much more... like Level 2... the power of... Shadowcery! [Makes blindfolds appear over Finn and Jake's eyes] You can't see through those, right?
Finn: Nope... Not at all.
Bufo: To gain provenance over the shadows, place your hands into [Making bowl of peeled grapes appear] this bowl!
Jake: [Slightly removing blindfold] What bowl?
Bufo: No! Cover your eyes!
Jake: [Annoyed] Mmmm, fine...
Bufo: Thrust your hands into this bowl... of eyeballs.
Finn: Eyeballs?!
Jake: Dude, it's okay. They're just peeled grapes.
Bufo: No! They're eyeballs... [Giggles mischievously. Finn and Jake feel the grapes and make disgusted noises.] Well done. You have groped the eyeballs fearlessly.
[Finn and Jake each get a new star on their cloaks.]
Finn: Another star! Yeah! Shadowcery... [He morphs his shadow into a three-dimensional form of a horse. The horse neighs.] Onward, my shadow steed! [Tries to jump on horse but phases through it] Huh?
Shadow Horse: No touchies. [Disappears]
Finn: Wizard powers are so cool... I want ALL THE STAR BADGES!!!
[A montage begins. On Level 3, Finn and Jake must balance pencils on their lips.]
Bufo: Excellent.
[Finn and Jake are rewarded with their third stars and the power of hair creation. Jake chuckles and makes himself a mustache. On Level 8, Finn and Jake spin coins by flicking them. Stars are rewarded.]
Bufo: Well done.
[Finn and Jake are rewarded with the power of mayonnaise creation. They feed themselves with mayonnaise. On the next challenge, Finn flips a hammer and is rewarded with a star; on the succeeding challenge, Jake puts an orange slice in his mouth to create a fake smile and is rewarded with a star. On the next challenge, Finn and Jake both balance themselves on tilted chairs. On Level 15, Jake is rewarded with Beauteous Wings. On Level 27, Finn is rewarded with the Vorpal Hand. On Level 31, Finn and Jake are granted the power of firework creation. They laugh and cheer as they blast fireworks into the night sky. The montage ends.]
Finn: All we're missing now is the big star! You ready to complete the set, man?
Jake: Nah, I'm good.
Finn: [In disbelief] WHAT?! How can you stop now??
Jake: Eh... I've got everything I need. A limitless supply of mayonnaise, this captivating new hairstyle... and I just learned the best spell of all!
Finn: What's that?
Jake: Sleep.
[Jake makes himself fall asleep by shooting himself with the spell.]
Finn: Aw... What a lame-o. [Walking up to Bufo] Bufo! I'm ready to get that big star!
Bufo: To tell true, the last power is not free.
Finn: Wha?? You can't do this to me, man! I've got no money!
Bufo: No, no cash. For the final star, you must take the pledge of ultimate responsibility.
Finn: [Nonchalantly] Okay. I'll take that pledge.
Bufo: Are you sure? Perhaps you are not sufficiently familiar with—
Finn: I'm ready!
Bufo: Well, there may be ramifications that you cannot—
Finn: [Impatiently] Just let me take that pledge, man!
Bufo: My word, I've never met someone so irresponsibly responsible. Very well, then. You must... grasp my hand.
Finn: That's it? [Does it] Easy! [He shines with a glorious light and screams. A big star glows on his cloak. Finn is now being pulled up by cables.] Huh? [Gasps] My big star!! Yes!! Wha-hoo! Yeah!! Wait, where am I?
Bufo: Direct your attention to the scale-model orb.
Finn: Huh? [Looks at viewing globe] Is that an asteroid heading for this very temple?
Bufo: Yes. It's been heading for this temple for 847 years. Only the magic of the ultimate wizards keeps it from getting any closer. Quickly, add your power to that of the orb.
Finn: Oh, okay. [Does it; the force of the blast pushes Finn backwards.] Whoa! I got it! Now what?
Bufo: Now I release the elder Jeremy from his pledge. Razzamafoo!
Jeremy: It's about time... [Gets teleported out of his station into the host's hand]
Bufo: And you take his place... for the rest of your natural life.
Finn: Awesome. ... Wait, what?!
Bufo: This is what you signed up for when you took the pledge of ultimate responsibility.
Finn: This is what all the wizard training was about?! [Stops supplying power to the orb] You tricked me!
Old Wizard: Young wizard! The asteroid approaches!
Finn: Oh, yeah. Sorry. [Supplies orb with power; the asteroid recedes.]
Bufo: I tricked you, of course... but would anyone really volunteer to do this? [Leaving] I'm out. [Shuts door]
Finn: Aw, man, this sucks. [Frustrated noise] Old people! There's gotta be a better way!
Old Wizard: Nope... This is how the ancient ones wanted it.
Finn: Yeah? I've got a younger idea! [Removes himself from station]
Old Wizard: You fool! Your newfangled thinking will get us all killed!
Finn: Youth culture forever! [Runs outside; spots the asteroid.] Whoa.
[Bufo seems to be putting Jeremy in a coffin while he is still alive.]
Bufo: Hey! Have you gone crazy?! Get back in the bouncy harness!
Finn: Sleep! [Fires spell]
Bufo: You are—! Uhh... [Falls asleep]
[Finn runs up and readies himself.]
Finn: Ultimate Wizardry, activate! [Nothing happens] ...Uh... Hm. Maybe my footing's off? [Adjusts footing; his fist begins glowing] There you go! [Finn begins his transformation.] I cast... Dragon Eyes! Tiger Claw! Vorpal Hand! Blazing Feet! Beauteous Wings! And finally... every other power I didn't mention by naaaame! With all my magics combined, I'm powerful enough to move the entire village out of the asteroid's path! [Finn uses his Ultimate Magical Hands to lift the village and strains himself. Jake (who is still sleeping) is tilted out of the main temple. Finn retracts his hand. The asteroid is approaching.] [Gasp] I need some help! Jake!! Awaken!! [Fires spell]
Jake: [Still sleeping] Reflect. [Reflects spell.]
[The spell hits a rock, and it becomes animate.]
Rock: Hey, I'm alive! What's that up there? [Noticing asteroid] AH! OH, NO!
Finn: Hah... My stupid young idea will be responsible for hundreds of deaths!
Old Wizard: [Unsympathetically] It sure will!
[Finn turns at his voice.]
Finn: Huh? Old wizards! You ditched your responsibilities to help me!
Old Wizard: What? No! We left so we wouldn't be killed by that asteroid!
Finn: [Slightly annoyed] Oh, okay, um, since you're here already, could you lend me a hand??
[The Old Wizards and Finn all use their Ultimate Magical Hands to move the village out of the meteor's path. When the meteor lands, a giant explosion occurs, destroying the clothes of the Old Wizards, Finn, and Jake. Jake wakes up.]
Jake: Huh??
[The village falls back down, as do Finn and the Old Wizards.]
Finn: Whoo-hoo! Nice job! Thanks to us, the village is saved. And we reclaimed a few of your twilight years!
Bufo: Don't forget to thank me. For this was my plan for all of these 847 years.
Finn: No way! Your plan was to dupe a succession of rubes into keeping the asteroid at bay!
Bufo: [Guilty] Perhaps you're right. No more giving out free powers. I hereby renounce all magic. [Bufo and the host cry. The host sits on the ground.] My life is oveeeeeer!
Finn: Chill, man. You don't have to quit your job.
Bufo: I don't?
Finn: Nah. Just don't take credit for ideas that aren't yours.
Bufo: Oh... okay... [Finn and Jake start leaving.] Good idea... [To himself] Glad I thought of it...
[Finn and Jake are walking.]
Reaper: Hey, naked kid. you want some free... Demon heart?!
Finn: Aw, ha ha ha haw, yeah!
Jake: Full circle!!
[The episode ends.]