This article is a transcript of the Adventure Time episode "Wizards Only, Fools" from season 5, which aired on July 1, 2013.

This transcript is complete.


[Episode starts in the Candy Hospital. Princess Bubblegum is trying to inject Starchie with a serum.]
Starchie: Noooooo! Get away from me, you butchers!
Princess Bubblegum: Starchie, you have a cold. The cure is right here. Just let me-
Starchie: Starchie only takes magic!
Princess Bubblegum: Oh, come on.
Starchie: [Sneezes] Find me a wizard!
Princess Bubblegum: Nurse Pound Cake, hold Starchie while I administer the serum.
Nurse Pound Cake: [inhales sharply]
Princess Bubblegum: What?
Nurse Pound Cake: Look, I'm a nurse and all, but my uncle is a magic worker and he cured my sadness about my marriage.
Princess Bubblegum: [sighs] Listen, all magic is scientific principles presented like mystical hoo-doo, which is fun but it's sort of irresponsible. I got your magic right here, okay? And razzle dazzle! Flooby-doo! Zamabamafoo!
Starchie: Is that a real spell?
Princess Bubblegum: No, I'm making fun of spells.
Starchie: [tears in eyes] Princess, you're being really disrespectful of my beliefs!
Nurse Pound Cake: [tears in eyes] That was very close-minded!
[Both begin to cry]
Princess Bubblegum: Starchie, I just want to help.
[Sobbing continues]
Princess Bubblegum: All right! You want me to go to Wizard City and get you a cold spell?
[Starchie nods]
Princess Bubblegum: You still think I'm a jerk? [Starchie nods again] All right, sit tight.
[Princess Bubblegum walks out to where Finn and Jake are seated and waiting.]
Finn: How is he?
Princess Bubblegum: He's still sick.
[Finn and Jake groan]
Jake: Yo, that stinks! Tonight's part 3 of his graveyard secrets workshop.
Finn: Yeah, prubs, give him the mediçon.
Princess Bubblegum: He won't take it. He wants me to get him a cold spell from Wizard City.
Finn and Jake: Oh, okay.
Jake: That makes sense.
Princess Bubblegum: [Scoffs] dude, you guys! Really?
Jake: Yeah, I mean, magic's probably more natchy for your body in the long run.
Princess Bubblegum: [sighs] Have you two been to Wizard City?
Finn: Nope. "Wizards only."
Jake: Wizards don't play.
Finn: Trespassers get killed mad quick, like zap-zap.
Princess Bubblegum: Well, then what?
Finn: Let's stay home. Just kidding.
Princess Bubblegum: All right, meet me outside of Wizard City in your freshest wizard johns.
Starchie: [sneezes] H-hurry, princess.
[Scene changes to outside of Wizard City, which is a wall of rock. Finn and Jake are waiting for Princess Bubblegum to meet them.]
Finn: This is it?
Jake: Yeah, man, this is it.
Finn: Well, what's with the wall?
Jake: Wo-o-o-o-o-o-o-op! [Jake stretches over the wall to see what lies beyond.]
Finn: What's over there?
Jake: Nothing. Just more mountains. I think the wall knows we're not wizards.
Finn: But we can trick it, right?
Jake: How do you trick a wall?
Finn: Don't know, man. I give up.
Jake: For reals?
Finn: Yeah, I'm no good at this! [Finn walks away from wall. He suddenly turns around and runs head first into the wall.] Unh! Oof!
Jake: That was a nice try, man.
[Princess Bubblegum walks over.]
Princess Bubblegum: Guys, hold up! I got the password from the Ice King. Apparently, the barrier only responds to the voice of real wizards. [Princess Bubblegum brings out a tape recorder and plays it.]
Ice King: [on tape recorder:] No way! I'm no rat! I am bound by the sacred trust of esoteric knowledge!
Princess Bubblegum: Say the password, Ice King!
Ice King: You think I'll just hand you the keys to the city? I'd rather die.
Princess Bubblegum: Say the password.
Ice King: Ow! My pinky! [Princess bubblegum smiles nervously and shrugs] Ow. [sniffles] Thank you. [Finn blushes in embarrassment and Jake facepalms and shakes his head in disapproval] You know, no one has touched me in months. Could you touch me again?
Princess Bubblegum: Password! Now!!'
Ice King: Ow! Ohh! Ohh! "Wizards Rule!" THE PASSWORD IS WIZARDS RULE!" AAH--
[Princess Bubblegum stops the tape.]
Finn: Whoa. [The wall of rock fades away and reveals Wizard City behind it.] Powerful magicks.
Princess Bubblegum: Pshh! It's a vocal registry rigged to a vibration modulator. The wall's still there. It's just the density's all wobbled.
Jake: Boo.
[Finn, Jake, and Princess Bubblegum start walking inside Wizard City.]
Princess Bubblegum: Um...That's what it is, Jake.
Jake: All right, what am I, then? [Jake stretches so his stomach has a butterfly form.] This don't look like magic to you?
Princess Bubblegum: It looks like a mutation.
Jake: Boring.
Princess Bubblegum: Yeah, right. Just 'cause I know my shnoz. [looking around at the wizards in Wizard City] Look at these dopes. Half of these spells are all working on entanglement principles.
Finn: "Entanglement" is a spell where you get trapped in tree roots, and sometimes they spike out and hook your flesh, and you got to be like, "My body is clay, my spirit feels no pain." Then you chop your way out and kill the wizard!
Princess Bubblegum: That's not what I meant, but whatevs. Where's this magic shop?
Finn: These signs are weird. Let's ask somebody. Hey, dudes. [Finn walks over to talk to a group of wizard policemen he's spotted.] Yo, where's the--
Wizard Policeman: Stand back, citizen.
Finn: Yeesh. Okay. Who are these guys?
Princess Bubblegum: They're like the city po-po or something.
Wizard Policeman: [talking to a blue man] Stranson Doughblow, you are guilty of impersonating a wizard, as well as purchasing magic items from Ron James' Spell Palace.
Princess Bubblegum: Bingo.
Stranson Doughblow: Wait! I know some coin tricks!
Wizard Policeman: The sentence is... [Wizard Policeman lifts his bandanna over his eyes onto his forehead and shoots a laser from his eye. The laser turns Stranson into a wooden cane.]
Stranson Doughblow: Woaah!
[The Wizard Policeman bends down to pick up the cane.]
Finn: Oh, my shrah!
Princess Bubblegum: Come on.
Finn: You saw that, right?
[Finn, Jake, and Princess Bubblegum walk into the Spell Palace]
Ron James: Welcome, brothers! Sorry about that biz outside.
Princess Bubblegum: Ha ha ha! Oh, what a silly non-magic user, right?
[Ron James stares in silence for a second.]
Ron James: All right, bros. Ronny James got mad spells for wizards of all exps. No need for memorization, incantation, or hard-to-find bularoo. Just rip one of these babies open, and you'll be like, "ta-da!" We got a bottle-returns program and all that shwazaa. So, wha-za?
Jake: We need a spell for the cold.
Ron James: Heck, yeah, brah. I got something. [Ron James lifts a crystal bottle from under the counter] Oof! This baby right here — right here? — This is what you want, brothers.
Princess Bubblegum: How's it work?
Ron James: [with aggression] It works by magic. It's a spell.
Jake: Dude...
Princess Bubblegum: What? I'm curious. So, what's in it?
Ron James: It's my secret brew, dawg.
Princess Bubblegum: So you want to sell me a product with no information?
Ron James: [scowling at Princess Bubblegum] It's a cold spell.
Princess Bubblegum: Made from what?
Ron James: MAGIC.
Princess Bubblegum: What's the magic made out of, ding-dong?
Ron James: Y'all is fakes!
Finn: No, wait!
Ron James: [Ron James hits a button under his desk, which turns on an alarm, notifying the police of criminals.] Bam!
Wizard Policeman: You're busted!
Princess Bubblegum: Yoink! [Princess Bubblegum grabs the cold spell and dashes out of the window with Finn and Jake, hoping to get away from the police. They dash across ceilings of buildings in Wizard City and drop to the ground running. When the hit the ground, the policemen are still close behind them.] Dang. [They start running]
Finn: [while running:] Hey, Jake?
Jake: What?
Finn: Is PB straight-up naked right now?
Jake: Dude, don't make me feel any more awkward than I already do!
Princess Bubblegum: Dang! It's a dead end!
[A secret door in the wall opens up and Abracadaniel walks out, taking out the trash.]
Abracadaniel: [Whistling]
Finn and Jake: Abracadaniel!
Abracadaniel: Huh? Do I know you?
Finn: Dude, it's me, Finn! Quick, let us in!
Abracadaniel: Oh, guys, I don't know, that's not my place. I just work here and I-
Princess Bubblegum: Please!
Finn: Come on, man!
Jake: Shush!
Finn: [while pushing Abracadaniel, Princess Bubblegum and Jake inside the secret door] Come on, come on, come on, come on.
[The door closes behind them as the Wizard Police walk towards it.]
[Scene changes to inside the door. Bufo, the Laser Wizard, and the Forest Wizard are making plans to sacrifice Abracadaniel.]
Bufo: Yeah, when the lamb comes back, Laser Wizard puts him on the altar.
Forest Wizard: And then I extract his forehead, right, Bufo?
Ice King: [as a hologram on a bookshelf] Ooh!
Bufo: Right, yeah, that's the plan.
[An elevator clanks as the wizards hide their plans.]
Forest Wizard: What the blutt, Abracadaniel?!
Bufo: [grabbing his wand from his sleeve] What part of "secret society" don't you understand?
Jake: Whoa, whoa, whoa! We don't want trouble!
Finn: Just let us rest for a bit.
Laser Wizard: Oh, we gonna put you to rest. For good!
[Building rumbles. The Wizard Police drop from the ceiling and shoots a laser at the wizards.]
Wizard Policeman: You are guilty of harboring non-magic users!
Bufo: Barrier! [Bufo puts a force field around the three wizards.]
Forest Wizard: We need an exit!
Ice King [inhales sharply] Oh, boy.
Jake: [while hiding behind a bookshelf with Princess Bubblegum and Finn] That's what you get for asking a magician about his tricks, PB!
Bufo, the Forest Wizard, and the Laser Wizard: Ghosts of the warp-plane, grant us passage into your realm. [The three wizards vanish, leaving their clothes only. The policemen stop shooting their lasers.]
Abracadaniel: [hiding under a table] Hey, guys, wait for me!
Finn: Shush!
[A wizard policemen drops from the ceiling onto the table Abracadaniel was hiding under, crushing it and Abracadaniel. The other wizard policemen take the bookshelf Ice King was projected on and where Finn, Jake, and Princess Bubblegum were hiding and throw it.]
Ice King: Whoa!
Wizard Policeman: Receive your just punishment!
Princess Bubblegum: No! As ruler of the Candy Kingdom, I demand parley with the Grand Master Wizard!
[Scene changes to the Grand Master Wizard's palace. Inside, Finn, Jake, Princess Bubblegum, and Abracadaniel face the Grand Master Wizard. The Grand Master Wizard is sitting on a hovering bubble with a red watering can and a wizard staff with flies around it.]
Grand Master Wizard: Princess Bubblegum! For shame. And I'm very disappointed in you, [points at Abracadaniel with his water kettle and water pours from it.] Abracadaniel! However, Princess, since you have always been a dear friend to the wizard community, just say "Wizards Rule" and you're all free to go.
Abracadaniel: Wha-? Really?
Grand Master Wizard: [flicking his hair back and showing his ear, to show that he's listening.] Mmm?
Jake: Psst! Wizards rule!
Princess Bubblegum: No!
Grand Master Wizard: [coughs out a cat] Oh! [The Grand Master Wizard slips off his bubble, but catches it before he falls to the ground.]
Princess Bubblegum: [Finn puts her into a lock to keep her from harming the Grand Master Wizard] All magic is science! You just don't know what you're doing, so you call it magic! And, well.., it's.. ridiculous.
Grand Master Wizard: Wizard prison! All of you! Wizard prison!
Abracadaniel: Nooooooo!
[Princess Bubblegum seems adamant as the others share worried looks.]
[Scene changes to outside Wizard. It is dark outside with foreboding clouds. The prison is a dark brown color with windows emitting red light. Spotlights circle the entire building. Finn, Jake, Princess Bubblegum, and Abracadaniel are escorted in by some Wizard Police.]
Jake: Ridiculous, huh?
Abracadaniel: This isn't happening!
Wizrd Policeman: Ho! [hits Abracadaniel with his cane]
Abracadaniel: Ouch!
Criminal 1: Would you look at that?
Criminal 2: Somebody better start crying into my hand!
[A third criminal throws underwear at Finn's head.]
Finn: Ugh! That's sick!
Criminal 3: [sarcastic] You're right. I'm so ashamed. [throws another pair of underwear at Finn.]
Finn: Ugh!
Jake: [Jake stretches his arms into the cell to fight the criminal. The criminal stabs him with a fork.] Ouch! [The criminal starts laughing.]
Wizard Policeman: Come on! Move it! [He opens a cell door and points in it with his cane. He ushers Finn and Jake into it.] You two, in here! I got cells upstairs for Princess and Milkface.
Finn: [screaming into pillow] I got traumatized by those underpanties. [sighs] This sucks.
Jake: Hey, let's count the days. [Jake stretches his hands into a hammer and nail. He scratches in a tick mark.] One.
Finn: [Finn puts his head out of the cell door in between the bars.] Hey, PB, are you okay?
Princess Bubblegum: Yeah, I'm okay.
Jake: Sleep tight, Princess!
Princess Bubblegum: Good night. [mutters to self] Stupid wizards...
[Abracadaniel lowers his mirror so he can glance menacingly at PB, even though she is asleep.]
[Scene changes to the next day. We can hear Jake scratching in another tick mark and saying Two! We see Princess Bubblegum getting food from the prison's cafeteria.]
Finn: PB! Over here! [Finn motions Princess Bubblegum over to his and Jake's table. Princess Bubblegum smiles at them as Abracadaniel puts his leg out to trip her. She falls over and grunts.]
Finn: Whoa! [The prisoners scream in shock. Finn and Jake get up and Finn slams his food down.]
Abracadaniel: Bubblegum, I hereby challenge you to an honorable prison stabbing to the death!
Princess Bubblegum: BRING IT ON. [Princess Bubblegum grabs a claw that was in her soup and shoves it in the air menacingly.]
Finn: What?! Are you two crazy?!
Princess Bubblegum: I've had it with you silly wizards!
[A crowd gathers around the two. They start repeatedly chanting 'Fight!'. A criminal takes off his eyepatch and ties one of Abracadaniel's and Princess Bubblegum's hands to each other. They stare at each other menacingly.]
Finn: Jake, we have to do something!
[Princess Bubblegum and Abracadaniel start circling around each other. They both swat at each other with their weapons. Abracadaniel swipes at Princess Bubblegum, but she blocks it. She takes the force of the block and swats at Abracadaniel's hair. She cuts his hairband which makes his hair fall into his face. He swats at Princess Bubblegum and rips off a tiny piece of her hair. She kicks him to the ground, which rips the knot bonding them together.]
Finn: We need to get out of this.
Jake: Yeah, we still got to heal the snuffins out of Starchie with this little baby here. [Jake opens a compartment on himself and takes the cold spell out from earlier. He hands it to Finn.]
Finn: [looking at the bottle] All this for a cold spell. [He opens the bottle, which releases a blue, icy vapor.] What the-? Ice? [He closes the bottle.] Hmm.
Eyepatched Criminal: Hey, Milkface isn't dead! [Abracadaniel gets up and holds his hair out of his face.]
Abracadaniel: Strike me down and restore my honor.
Princess Bubblegum: No!!
Eyepatched Criminal: Sorry, but you have to kill him. Otherwise, we'll kill all of yous two both.
Finn: Peebs! Incoming! [Finn throws the cold spell at Princess Bubblegum.]
Princess Bubblegum: What?
Finn: It's a cold spell, not a cold spell.
Wizard Policeman: Prisoner, drop that contraband magic!
Princess Bubblegum: [Princess Bubblegum opens the cold spell to shoot icy winds at the policemen.] Whoa! [Icy winds and snow cover everything in the prison cafeteria as Princess Bubblegum stares in awe.]
Finn: Get down! [Scene changes to after the entire cafeteria is completely covered in ice. Jake has protected Finn and Princess Bubblegum by turning into an igloo. He morphs back into a dog form.]
Finn: Your magicks are powerful, PB.
Princess Bubblegum: Okay. Let's get out of here.
[Jake busts through the ice with a giant fist. He has a frozen Abracadaniel in his other hand as the three walk out of the prison.]
Finn: Poor Starchie. All that trouble and we couldn't get any magic for him.
Princess Bubblegum: Hmm. I've got an idea.
[Scene changes to Starchie's hospital room.]
Starchie: [moaning]
[Abracadaniel rises from one side of Starchie's bed. He uses his wand to create a rainbow over his head.]
Abracadaniel: Oooooo!
Starchie: Eh? Finally! Healing magic. Oh, I can feel it!
[From the other side of the bed, Finn grabs Starchie from behind.]
Starchie: No!
Princess Bubblegum: [lifting the serum] Rubeldubel dingeldongel-[Princess Bubblegum injects Starchie with the serum.] Pffrt!
Episode ends